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WHATCHA DOIN', CARLTON?
PACKING AWAY MY CDs.
WILL AND I MADE A BET.
FOR ONE WEEK I CAN'T LISTEN TO TOM JONES,
AND HE CAN'T LISTEN TO THAT GOD-AWFUL BIGGY SMALLS.
THERE'S $50 RIDING ON IT, AND I'M GOING TO WIN.
WHO'S TOM JONES?
NICKY, NICKY...
TOM JONES IS THE KING OF SWING,
THE TOWER OF POWER, MR. VEGAS!
THIS GUY'S A LEGEND.
[SIGH]
CAN I HEAR ONE OF HIS SONGS?
I'D LOVE TO, BUT NO CAN DO.
PLEASE?
WELL...
I GUESS ONE SONG WOULDN'T HURT.
♪♪
♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE ♪
♪ WHEN I SEE YOU HANGING ABOUT WITH ANYONE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO SEE ME CRY ♪
♪ OH, I WANT TO DIE ♪
♪ IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO GO OUT AT ANYTIME-- ♪
JUST COULDN'T HANG ON THERE, LITTLE FELLA?
DARN.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE, LITTLE BROTHER.
THANKS A LOT.
5 BUCKS?
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?
COME ON, MAN.
YOU GOT TO BREAK ME OFF SOME.
♪ NOW, THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW ♪
♪ MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED ♪
♪ TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN ♪
♪ AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE ♪
♪ JUST SIT RIGHT THERE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE ♪
♪ OF A TOWN CALLED BEL-AIR ♪
♪ IN WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED ♪
♪ ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS ♪
♪ CHILLIN' OUT, MAXIN', RELAXIN' ALL COOL ♪
♪ AND ALL SHOOTIN' SOME B-BALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL ♪
♪ WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD ♪
♪ STARTED MAKIN' TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
♪ I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT ♪
♪ AND MY MOM GOT SCARED ♪
♪ AND SAID YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE ♪
♪ AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR ♪
♪ I WHISTLED FOR A CAB ♪
♪ AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR ♪
♪ THE LICENSE PLATE SAID FRESH ♪
♪ AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR ♪
♪ IF ANYTHING, I CAN SAY ♪
♪ THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE ♪
♪ BUT I THOUGHT, NAH, FORGET IT ♪
♪ YO, HOMES, TO BEL-AIR ♪
♪ I PULLED UP TO A HOUSE ABOUT 7 OR 8 ♪
♪ AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY ♪
♪ YO, HOMES, SMELL YOU LATER ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM, I WAS FINALLY THERE ♪
♪ TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR ♪
THAT MOVIE WAS PATHETIC.
PATHETIC!
NAKED WOMEN BUMPING AND GRINDING ON STRANGERS' LAPS?
AND THE WAY THEM GUYS JUST SAT THERE AND TOOK IT.
HOW CAN ANYONE FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE?
IS OUR CULTURE THAT DISEASED?
YOU KNOW, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT
IS MAKING ME FEEL DIRTY.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A SHOWER.
YOU WANT TO JOIN ME?
OH, WHAT AM I SAYING?
IT'S EVEN INFECTED ME.
HI.
WHAT DID YOU SEE?
SHOWGIRLS.
AGAIN?
WHAT'S THAT, EIGHT TIMES, WILL?
EIGHT TIMES?
I THOUGHT YOU HATED IT.
NO, BABY, I DID.
EVERY TIME I WANTED TO JUST WALK OUT OF THERE.
I KNOW THE FEELING, WILL.
BYE.
B-B-B-B-B-BUT, B-B-B-BABY...
BABY-- COME ON, GIRL...
BOY, DID YOU HANDLE THAT BADLY.
OH, GOOD. GEOFFREY, YOU'RE HERE.
NO.
BUT I NEVER ASK YOU FOR ANYTHING.
YOU NEVER STOPPED ASKING
FROM THE MOMENT I STARTED.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
AS I REMEMBER, MY FIRST SEVEN HOURS HERE
I SPENT INSTALLING WALL-TO-WALL CARPET
FOR BARBIE'S DREAM HOUSE,
CARPET WHICH HAD TO BE PROMPTLY REMOVED.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT
THAT WHEN KEN GOT HOME, HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT
THE DOLL HOUSE BURNT TO THE GROUND.
GEOFFREY, SKIPPER DIED IN THAT FIRE.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
LOOK, I NEED YOU TO HEM THIS DRESS.
HI, BABY.
CARLTON, HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTES
FOR MY SPEECH TOMORROW?
RIGHT HERE, BIG GUY.
I'VE CROSSED OUT WHAT DIDN'T WORK AND REWRITTEN THE REST.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
DADDY, CAN I USE YOUR CAR TONIGHT?
NO.
TALK TO HER.
MOM, DAD SAID I COULD USE YOUR CAR TONIGHT.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
THOSE WEREN'T YOUR EXACT WORDS,
BUT YOU DID IMPLY--
THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR ME TO JUMP IN, WAS THERE?
NONE WHATSOEVER.
I'M GONNA JUMP ON OUT OF HERE.
JUMP ON.
O.K., DARLING.
OH, THANK YOU.
ASHLEY'S GOING OUT TONIGHT.
I'VE GIVEN GEOFFREY THE NIGHT OFF,
AND NICKY'S GOING TO HIS FIRST SLEEP-OVER.
MM-HMM.
THE HOUSE WILL BE NICE AND QUIET.
HMM.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
I CAN FINALLY FINISH MY SPEECH.
PHILIP...
WHAT?
WHAT?
NEE-NEE-NEE...
NICKY'S FIRST SLEEP-OVER.
AH, I'LL NEVER FORGET MY FIRST OVERNIGHTER.
NED MORTON'S HOUSE.
RAISED ALL KINDS OF HECK.
DRANK HOT CHOCOLATE, HAD PILLOW FIGHTS,
WATCHED THE O.J. TRIAL...
WHAT A NIGHT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HI, CARLTON.
HI, MICHELLE.
HERE. I HAVE A SPECIAL DELIVERY LETTER FOR YOU.
ODD. NO RETURN ADDRESS.
"A SPECIAL INVITATION FROM ME TO YOU FOR TONIGHT.
PLEASE RSVP ASAP."
DARN. ANOTHER CHAIN LETTER.
CARLTON, IT'S FROM ME.
SWEET CHEEKS OF BUDDHA, YOU PACK A WALLOP.
SO YOU WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?
OH.
UH, NO CAN DO.
I HAVE TO STUDY.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
FOR SOME, IT'S BATH NIGHT.
FOR ME, IT'S MATH NIGHT.
BUT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME.
I'D PROBABLY JUST GET IN YOUR WAY.
YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
WELL, BYE.
BYE.
HMM.
SHE SEEMS A BIT OF A GLOOMY GUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MICHELLE HASN'T CALLED.
I'VE LEFT MESSAGES, I'VE PAGED HER...
OH, GOD.
I HOPE SHE'S NOT DISGRUNTLED.
YEAH, YOU BETTER BE WORRYING ABOUT ME BEING DISGRUNTLED
THE WAY YOU MESSED MY DATE UP TODAY.
WILL, I'VE COME TO THE REALIZATION
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN.
OR MEN, FOR THAT MATTER.
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO DAD.
HE UNDERSTANDS WOMEN.
SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.
GREAT TIME.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
I LOVE YOU.
DO YOU?
SWEETHEART, I JUST SAID I DID.
AND YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
OH, PHILIP...
AH, I'M SERIOUS.
FOR SOMEONE WHO'S HAD FOUR CHILDREN, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
SANDRA, I'M TELLING YOU,
I REALLY HATED THAT MOVIE.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS IN SOME SICK WAY,
I WAS JUST TRYING TO PUNISH MYSELF.
NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CAN BE SERIOUS.
LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.
SANDRA, I SERIOUSLY WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU TONIGHT.
YOUR COUSIN?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I CAN FIND SOMEBODY TO GO OUT WITH YOUR COUSIN, YEAH.
OH, NO. THAT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
I GOT THE PERFECT GUY FOR THE JOB.
ALL RIGHT, BABY.
YOU'RE THE BREAST-- BEST! BEST! I SAID BEST!
NO.
COME ON, YOU OWE ME.
YOU ALMOST WRECKED EVERYTHING WITH SANDRA.
I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT.
THAT'S FINE.
IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON ANYWAY.
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
THERE'S THIS CUTE LITTLE MAIL CARRIER THAT'S AVAILABLE.
YOU WOULDN'T.
RIGHT, BUT THAT WOULD BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU DESERVED.
WILL, I'M SORRY.
BUT I WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT
GOING OUT AND HAVING A GOOD TIME WITHOUT MICHELLE.
WHAT IF I PROMISE YOU A TERRIBLE TIME?
IF I COULD ONLY BE SURE.
I GUARANTEE YOU THE WORST TIME
YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE.
O.K.
OH, NOW, THAT THERE WAS SOME GOOD GRUB.
THAT GIRL CAN COOK!
WHAT ABOUT YOU, CARLTON?
DID YOU ENJOY YOUR DINNER?
IT WAS FINE.
YOU DON'T TALK MUCH, DO YOU?
AS A CHILD, HE WAS DROPPED ON HIS TONGUE.
I THINK HE'S THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE.
OOH...
YOU ARE STRONG.
WELL, I'M NO STRANGER TO THE GYM.
CARLTON, HOW ABOUT SOME DESSERT?
I'VE GOT ICE CREAM.
SWEET...CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM.
I'M A TUTTI-FRUTTI MAN MYSELF.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, CARLTON?
THAT GIRL JUST OFFERED YOU TWO SCOOPS.
I'M AFRAID I'M A ONE-GAL GUY.
WH-WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WE WERE JUST THINKING OF A LITTLE GAME.
TIFFANY...
COME ON, SANDRA, IT'LL BE FUN.
WHAT'LL BE FUN?
A WORD GAME.
OH, WELL, THAT AIN'T EXACTLY
THE KIND OF GAME I WAS THINKING ABOUT.
IT INVOLVES THE WORD "STRIP."
SET IT UP.
TELL ME THIS, DOOGIE...
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE'RE LOSING?
I CAN'T PULL A VOWEL TO SAVE MY LIFE.
AS SOON AS YOU GET WARM,
I WANT TO SEE SOME SKIN AGAIN.
YOU'RE A LITTLE DEMANDING, HUH?
HEY, JUST PLAY 'EM OR LOSE 'EM.
THIS THING IS NOT OVER YET.
FFF...
PHHFFF!
UGH...
AH! 4!
ALL RIGHT, FOUR-LETTER WORD.
UH, UH, HA HA...
EENY, MEENY, MINEY, MOE.
NOW SOME OF YOURS CLOTHES GOTS TO GO.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
TIFFANY!
W-W-WHO'S THAT?
HER BOYFRIEND.
YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND?
WELL, OF COURSE.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
ONE SECOND, MAD DOG.
MAD DOG?
MAD DOG.
QUICK, IN HERE.
QUIT PULLING ME, GIRL.
HEY, HEY...
DON'T BE PUSHIN'--
THIS IS JUST GREAT.
YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS.
I HATE YOU.
SHH!
THE DUDE IS GOING TO HEAR US.
HEAR US?
HE'S GOING TO KILL US.
IF YOUR BREATH DON'T KILL US FIRST.
DAMN. DON'T YOU BRING A MINT WHEN YOU DATE?
IN FACT, I DO.
THEY'RE IN MY PANTS.
YOU WANT TO GO GET THEM FOR ME?
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
MAD DOG?
I'M SURE HE'S NOTHING BUT A PUSSYCAT.
HE'S GOING TO EAT ME.
THEN HE'S GONNA FLOSS WITH ME.
I'M TIRED OF YOUR EXCUSES.
IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO EXPLAIN,
THEN I'M OUT OF HERE.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S COOL, YOU KNOW.
SOON AS THE BLACK NESS MONSTER EXPLAINS,
WE'LL BE HOME FREE.
[SCREAMING]
SHH, SHHH.
HE'S SLEEPING. GET OUT. COME ON.
I GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING WE'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR A VERY LOVELY EVENING.
WHERE'S OUR CLOTHES?
IT'S UNDER HIM.
WHY'D YOU PUT OUR CLOTHES...
BEL-AIR'S NOT THAT LONG OF A WALK.
LOOK, WE'LL GET OUR CLOTHES, THEN WE'LL GO.
FROM HIS LOOKS, HE'S A VERY HEAVY SLEEPER.
WE'RE ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
GO ON WITHOUT ME.
SAVE YOURSELF.
FORGET THE CLOTHES. LET'S SPLIT.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
UM...
THIS IS JUST A DREAM.
WE'RE NOT REALLY HERE.
STOP THAT.
I SAID...
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
UM...
SURPRISE!
HEY, MAN, WE'RE FROM L.A. STRIP-O-GRAM.
WE GOT A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY WISH FOR YOU
FROM TIFFANY.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, AND...
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY... ♪
♪ MAD DOG ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY... ♪
♪ MAD DOG-- ♪
IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
UM...
♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪
♪ YOUNG MAN ♪
♪ THERE ARE PLACES TO GO ♪
♪ I SAID, YOUNG MAN ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL OUT ON YOUR OWN ♪
♪ I SAY Y-M-C-A ♪
♪ Y-M-C-A-- ♪
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SOMEBODY'S TRYING TO PLAY ME FOR A FOOL.
NO, NO. ENOUGH OF THAT, MAN.
[DOOR SLAMS]
SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE.
EEEE...
NO, NO. WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD UP, HOLD UP,
WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME MAKES ME SICK!
NOW, IF WE GOT TO DO THIS,
JUST GIVE ME A DAMN MINUTE WITH MY COUSIN.
UM...
WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE.
BUT THE BEST DEFENSE
IS A STRONG OFFENSE, O.K.?
SO REMEMBER ME FOR THIS.
SEE YA ON THE OTHER SIDE.
YAAAH!
SORRY.
GRRRR!
AAH!
MY GOD! I JUST SAW THE STATE OF FLORIDA
PASS OVER MY HEAD.
HEY, MAD DOG, MAD DOG, BRO',
SHOULDN'T YOU BE CLIMBING UP
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?
WILL, THE WINDOW!
AAH!
AAH!
HA HA HA!
BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T GONE OFF THAT SLIMFAST, HUH?
YOU ARE LUCKY.
BUT EVENTUALLY YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK IN HERE.
AH, SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THERE.
YOU'RE STRETCHING THE BUILDING.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?
OH.
WELL, YOU KNOW. IT'S ALMOST WINTER.
EVENTUALLY HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO HIBERNATE.
WE'LL JUST HANG OUT UP HERE,
DON'T BRING NO ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.
[MAN] LOOK! THOSE GUYS ARE GOING TO JUMP!
UH, UH, NO, NO, MAN.
WE'RE JUST OUT GETTING SOME AIR, MAN.
[SIREN]
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
AIN'T THAT WHAT I PROMISED YOU?
DON'T PANIC.
I'M FROM THE CRISIS INTERVENTION UNIT.
YOU'RE YOUNG...
YOU'RE YOUNG...
"AND YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR."
JUST GET US DOWN.
THERE YOU GO PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
NOW, HAND ME THE BABY.
WHAT? WE AIN'T GOT NO BABY, MAN.
OH.
MY BAD.
GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR WAY, FOOL.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE CALLING NAMES.
STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK YOUR BONES,
BUT A 50-FOOT FALL WILL KILL Y'ALL.
I MADE THAT UP MYSELF.
THAT CIVIL SERVICE EXAM IS REALLY EASY, ISN'T IT?
I HAVE TO ADMIT,
THERE ARE TIMES I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN.
AND IT DOESN'T GET EASIER WHEN YOU GET OLDER.
HERE'S THE ONE RIGHT HERE.
CHECK THIS OUT.
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU.
YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW."
YOU'RE PULLIN' MY LEG, NOW, WOMAN--
NO. HERE'S MY FAVORITE.
"IF YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU SAY,
YOU'D KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING."
OH, MAN,
HOW WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW--
BOOM--
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
UH, SPORTS.
FOOTBALL.
SPORTS.
FUNNY--I'M OFF TO THE HAIRDRESSER
TO TALK SPORTS MYSELF.
HEY, HERE'S THE ONE RIGHT HERE.
"IF YOU WAS LISTENING TO ME,
WHAT'D I JUST SAY?"
SAME THING YOU ALWAYS SAY.
OH, OH...
UH, HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?
"YOU'RE MOVING TOO FAST.
WE HARDLY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER."
THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE TO GET UPSET.