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Welcome to the Care module of the Healthy Relationship and Marriage Education Training.
This training module highlights the importance of showing affection and respect in your relationship
to keep them strong.
For more information about Care, review Fact Sheet 1 listed on the website below, as well
as the original chapter, “Care: Showing Affection and Respect to Strengthen Relationships,”
authored by Wally Goddard, Sean Brotherson, Dave Schramm,and Andrew Behnke and published
in the National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model.
As we review what Care looks like in relationships, several tools and fact sheets have been developed
to help you teach these concepts with your clients. Some of these tools will be referenced
later on. If you haven’t already printed these materials, you can access them on the
web site using the links below. Note that page 1 of each tool provides instructions
for you to follow as you use the tools with clients. Page 2 can be copied and shared with
clients as you see fit. Pause the video to review the fact sheets and tools. When you
are ready, press play to continue.
Care reflects the “Golden Rule” of relationships. It includes all behaviors and expressions
that help relationships move in a positive direction. Later, in the Share module we will
talk about things partners do together to maintain their relationship. Care is distinct
from Share in that it focuses on what each individual can do independent of his or her
partner. It is important to note that the Care principles also apply to those who are
not romantically involved but who share a child and want to have cooperative co-parenting
relationship.
The opposite of a caring action may be a crabby reaction, which is often a cutting remark
or a sarcastic response. Although a crabby reaction might be our natural response to
criticism or a comment made when we are stressed, these types of reactions are not helpful.
Even in good relationships, we all get crabby at times. But it’s more helpful to try to
come up with a caring action.
Similar to what was reinforced in the Choose module, caring actions sometimes require a
lot of effort. A caring action requires one to stop and think about the situation and
their partner before saying or doing anything. For example, after a long day at work a mother
may be preparing dinner while trying to help one child with homework and calming a crying
baby. When the father arrives home, also stressed by a hard day at work, he can react to the
situation in one of two ways. He can offer a crabby reaction and say, “Why isn’t
dinner ready?” or “Could you quiet the baby, I need some quiet time.” Or, he can
share a caring action such as “Seems like I got home just in time to help, let me take
care of the baby and handle the homework.” His actions will set the tone for how she
responds and how they get along that evening.
Now, take a look at the three additional examples given on the slide. Can you think of a possible
crabby reaction and caring action for each one? Teaching this skill to couples takes
time and can be challenging. To help your couples find ways they can express caring
actions, consider using Care tool number 5, “Caring Actions, Not Crabby Reactions”
provided below. You can pause the video now to review this tool and think about the examples
on the slide. When you are ready, press play to continue.
Relationship researcher John Gottman found that it was not the kind of relationship a
couple has – such as volatile, avoidant, or validating – but rather the ratio of
positive to negative moments together that best predicted the course of a relationship.
In many relationships there are approximately two positives for each negative, but couples
in the healthiest relationships share at least five times as many positive moments together
as negative moments. This may be one of the most important discoveries in decades of research
on couple relationships: positivity matters most! The happiest couples express five times
as much positivity to each other compared to negativity. This concept applies across
relationships – parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren, colleagues, and so on.
Building positivity in the relationship also involves accepting and appreciating each other.
Some people think that the key to a healthy relationship is to change their partner in
a way that fits their expectations or needs. Let’s consider three parts of a relationship:
First, there are the things in my partner I like. They do not need to change. This is
really what brought two people together in the first place. Next, there are the things
I do not like about my partner that will never change. Finally, there are the things I do
not like about my partner that can change.
Let’s take a moment to think of a relationship as a pie graph. For reasonably good relationships
on reasonably good days, people tend to like about 80% of their partner’s actions. That
would leave 20% that they don’t like or wish would change.
What happens if we focus on and think and talk about the 20% that we DON’T like about
our partners? If we only think and talk about the things we DON’T like, we let those things
fill our minds until it seems like there is nothing good about our partners – no qualities
or characteristics that we like. The 20% may actually FEEL like 80%!
But what happens if we think and talk a lot about the things we DO like about our partners
– that 80%? As we think and talk about the good, we appreciate our partners even more.
We feel more loving and build positivity, and this helps our relationship grow.
Now let’s take a closer look at the 20% we DON’T like. Research shows that about
70% of what we don’t like is NEVER going to change. We can be mad about that. We can
gripe about it. But every relationship has stuff that isn’t perfect and isn’t ever
going to change. After we take away this 70%, that leaves 30% of the things we don’t like
that CAN change. This may seem like the opportunity for improving the partner or the relationship.
But there is a trick – research suggests that the best way to get your partner to change
is by appreciating the good things that are already a part of your relationship – to
love them the way they are.
To help your couples share ways they appreciate each other and build positivity, consider
using Care tool number 1, “Appreciating the Positive” provided below. Feel free
to pause the video now to review this tool and consider ways you could use it to teach
this skill. When you are ready, press play to continue.
Another way to build positivity in the relationship is to help couples show care in a way each
partner wants to be loved. The way a person likes to be loved is sometimes called their
love language. Many times we give love in the way we like to receive love. Partners
may be able to strengthen their relationship by learning each other’s preferences and
making a conscious effort, or choosing to show love in a way that is preferred by the
partner.
Gary Chapman has described five different love languages. These are: Words of affirmation
– Or kind words and compliments, Quality time – meaning a partner gives full attention,
or really enjoys spending alone time together .
Receiving gifts – Not only on special days, but also occasional surprises
Acts of service – Like doing laundry, cooking, taking care of the car, or other ways of showing
they care, and Physical touch – Which may include holding hands, hugs, and even sex.
As you think about each of these love languages, there are probably some that stand out more
for you than others. Can you think of some ways you could talk about love languages with
clients? Helping clients understand these differences can help them say and do things
that will be interpreted by the partner as a loving behavior.
To assist you in teaching this skill, take a moment to review Care tool number 3, “Love
Languages,” provided below. You can pause this video to take a moment to review this
tool. When you are ready to continue, press play to advance to the next slide.
We have talked about two different ways of promoting positivity and strengthening relationships.
We can notice and appreciate good things in our partners and we can show our partners
love in ways they would appreciate it. There is still another way of strengthening relationships,
and that is making time for togetherness, which is actually one of the five love languages.
Having happy time together sometimes gets crowded out by the demands of life. But we
can help couples identify ways to enjoy togetherness that fits their lives and daily demands. We
can help them create daily rituals that provide at least a few minutes to talk and connect
each day. We can help them identify shared interests, hobbies, and projects. Enjoyable
time together strengthens relationships. Making time for togetherness is an individual commitment
to be intentional, and it requires both partners to make that commitment. We will come back
to this point in the Share module where tools can be found to promote togetherness.
In addition to the tools referenced earlier, there are several other tools and fact sheets
you can use to discuss Care in your work with families. If you haven’t already taken a
look at the other tools and fact sheets in this module, take some time now to do so.
To view the tools, pause the video now and click the links on the web site below. After
you have reviewed the other tools, press play to continue.
In closing, strong relationships are the result of consistent effort to appreciate each other,
to focus on the positives, and to make time for each other. Even at those times when our
partners are crabby, we can choose to show we still care. To summarize, Care includes:
Expressing caring actions, not crabby reactions, Being open and listening to one’s partner,
Focusing on the good in one’s partner, rather than the things that bother us
Accepting and valuing differences, Giving love in the way the partner likes to
be loved, in their own love language Showing appreciation for the little things,
and Making regular time for togetherness.
CARE 4