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(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
(all scream)
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY,
and brought to you by FORD. Drive One.
Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day.
I love how they made the river green.
Actually, my nuclear plant did that.
And now that you know, your life is in danger.
(hums tune)
Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen.
I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell
the Edge Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's
first ***-free St. Patrick's Day!
(booing)
Oh, come on, people.
Your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year.
And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits.
The Irish gave the world the paddy wagon,
the shamrock shake
and folk dancing where you don't move your arms.
(Irish folk music playing)
(groans): Oh.
Where's the IRA when you need 'em?
We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.
(passengers cheering)
(sighs)
In the old days, we would have been all over that.
(bagpipes playing)
(crowd chattering)
(children clamoring)
(lively march playing)
Oh, no.
The Northern Irish are also having a parade.
Two kinds of Irish people?
What are they fighting over,
who gets to sleep in the bathtub?
Actually, those Prots and Cathies
have hated each other for centuries.
(sighs)
It always comes down to
transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.
(growling, muttering)
Stop it! Both of you!
You have a common land, a literature
and the sweetest songs on Earth.
Toora loora loora
Toora loora lie
Hush, my little baby
Hush, now don't you cry
Toora loora loora
Toora loora lie
ALL: Toora loora loora
It's an Irish
Lullaby
(all chattering)
(grunts)
(clamoring)
Oh, no! Without the ***,
these guys all remember how much they hate each other!
(growling)
Oh!
This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day
till the Irish people showed up.
(children chattering)
Urchins!
They took my cupcakes!
All right, you unwanted miracles,
give back the lady's cupcakes.
You don't have the teeth for it.
Aye, but we could gum the frosting.
If it's good gummin' you're after,
wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?
(children oohing)
(children chattering excitedly)
Cabbage!
Here you go, ma'am.
Not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew.
Thank you so much, Mister...
Patrick Farrelly at your service.
Marge Simpson.
Well, Mr. Farrelly,
the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.
Marge, I own a small bakery.
Will you bake for me?
Me? A professional baker's employee?
Imagine how different my life would be.
Here we are at school, kids.
Hey, what are those boxes in the back?
Cakes! See ya. See ya.
I'll do it!
Bless your heart.
You won't regret it.
I already don't.
Homer, I've got great news!
I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it!
Mulk request change of venue.
Green monster cannot get fair trial
in downtown Springfield.
Granted.
Homer Simpson?
You are a repeat offender.
Three-peat.
Bail is set at $25,000.
(scoffs) I make that in a year.
I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
Okay, Simpson,
all your information checks out.
I called your boss to verify your employment,
and he says you're fired for getting arrested.
(laughs)
You'd be amazed how often that happens.
(groans): Oh!
We'll put up your bail money.
Just pay us ten percent and show up for your court date.
And if I don't show up?
Then you got to deal with me.
The name's Wolf, and I'm a bounty hunter.
If someone skips bail,
I track 'em down and bring 'em back.
I also take a tooth, make a plaster cast,
put it on this necklace, then replace the tooth at my expense.
Well, time to go back to my world of *** bars,
tattoo parlors and greasy spoons.
What a great job.
And I could use a job right now.
Whoa, not just anyone can be a bounty hunter.
You have to pass an online exam.
No, wait, they got rid of that.
There is a $10 filing fee, but you can get around it.
Congratulations! You're now a bounty hunter!
Mmm!
Okay, I've set my trap.
Now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come.
Condos!
Affordable condos!
Bail-jumpers welcome!
"Bail-jumpers welcome."
That's refreshing, after the cold shoulder we got
at the Townhomes at Sterling Pointe.
(tires screeching)
Let's not get too excited
till we find out if it's in a good school district.
Oh, so wait. Are we telling people now?
Stop in the name of a private citizen
with no connection to the law!
Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to...
(screams) Now, let's think about this.
If you shoot me, I won't be able to stop you,
and you'll be free to go.
(*** gun) But...
someone may come after you.
Probably not, given your reputation
for shooting people who come after you.
What I'm trying to say is
not shooting me now
would be the biggest mistake of your life.
(screams)
(screaming)
Oh!
Huh?
Bullet-proof glass. Flanders?!
Yup, I'm just replacing the front window of my store,
which was broken in the riot.
(moans)
Young man, what would your mother say
if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain?
She'd say that year off from Princeton
was the worst decision I ever made.
Well, son, if you take responsibility for your actions,
this could be the start of a better life for you.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just...
(muffled groaning)
This case is in the bag.
Homer, you could have killed him!
I sure could have, thanks to you.
(squeaking)
Now I can clearly see potential customers
walk right past my store.
Enjoy your shopping elsewhere!
Hey, Ned, I brought you something.
(Homer chuckles)
Aw.
What the...?
It's your share of the money
for bringing in that bail-jumper.
Ned, I never thought I'd say this,
but we make a great team.
Us, a team?
As the salad said to the soup, "I'm all mixed up."
We should be bounty hunters together.
You're kind and smart.
I'm cruel and strong.
Together, we're nothing.
But together, we're the perfect bounty hunter.
Well, I could use money,
but you have to promise me something, Homer.
Sure. What is it?
We have to do everything by the book.
Andyouhave to promise no diddilies or doodilies.
My friend, you have a deal-arooney!
D'oh!
Mmm.
Mmm! Mm-hmm!
Mmm, mm-hmm!
Oh, Marge,
your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.
Well, um, thanks, but I've been wondering.
Why do you only have me make spheres, rods,
and half-moon shapes?
Uh, well, Marge, I'll tell you, um...
(door bells ***)
...right after I talk to these customers.
We're going to a bachelorette party
for a really naughty girl.
(chuckles) Yeah.
We need something tastyandtasteless.
I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker:
freshly-frosted
*** cake. Oh! Boy!
Oh, my God!
This is an *** bakery!
Mmm! Mmm!
Delicious!
Now, what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli?
Oh, we have quite a selection. Hmm.
Oh, yes! (chuckling): Oh!
Oh. Oh, boy!
I'll leave you with the book.
How could you not tell me this is an *** bakery?!
Marge, calm down.
For as long as there's been baking,
there's been *** baking.
It fills a need and harms no one.
Harms no one?
(scoffs) Explain that to...
Well, what about...
I think you forgot about...
Hmm.
My #1 customers are married couples,
your friends and neighbors.
I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
It's an exact replica of the good doctor's...
I don't want to know!
It's not what you think it is.
Good.
It's his ***.
That's exactly what I was thinking!
Marge, this is a valuable public service.
Without your baking,
people like me will be forced into back alleys,
repurposing Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.
You have a great gift.
Don't let it go to waste!
Well, okay.
(crackling)
This Taser is awesome.
Finally, a practical use for electricity.
Dear Lord, thank you for creating so many evil criminals
for us to bring in.
And also, thank you for my partner Homer, who...
(crackling) Did you just Taser my coffee?
Just warming it up.
Now to melt the cheese in this croissant.
(crackling)
And get rid of a little excess earwax.
(crackling) (groaning)
And smoke a relaxing cigar.
(crackling)
Homer, can we take it easy on the Taser?
No problem.
(whirring)
(gasps) Our first bail-jumper!
Let's roll.
(crackling)
(groaning)
Homer, take the Taser out of your pants.
No. It looks cool! D'oh!
Boy
Boy
(gun chambers clicking)
Now in the street there is violence
And, and a lots of work to be done
MAN: Who's there? Bible salesman!
(yelling)
No place to hang out our washin'
And, and I can't blame all on the sun
Oh, no, we gonna rock down to
Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh, we gonna rock down to
Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Workin' so hard like a soldier...
(tires squealing)
Daddy's home!
I brought you kids some stuff from work!
Here you go, son.
Shell casings!
Whoa! There's still bullets in some of these!
Point them away from your sisters when you hammer them.
Yes, sir!
What'd you get for me?
Something for the sweetest little scientist in the world.
A new chemistry set!
Dad, is this from a *** lab?
The biggest one in town.
This is evidence.
Evidence that I love my little girl.
Marge, I brought you some flowers!
A full dozen this time.
No tricks.
Oh, Homie.
I got you something, too.
A sterling silver picture frame
with pictures of our kids in it.
Yes, for now.
I guess things are working out pretty good
at your bakery job.
Maybe we could order one of your cakes
for Lisa's birthday.
How dare you?!
What'd you do that for?
Sorry, sorry. Muscle spasm.
(laughs)
I'm not convinced.
Still on the fence.
Now I believe you.
He'll be here sooner or later.
(crickets chirping)
(Homer humming)
So, how about a little stakeout music?
Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
Well, I like AC/DC.
I like their Christian cover band: AD/BC.
Kindly deeds done for free
Kindly deeds
Done for free
Kindly deeds done for free
Kindly deeds, and they're done for free
Kindly deeds, and they're done for free.
(crickets chirping)
(bird singing)
Hmm, I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that.
Oh, you've gotta try it.
This way, the pepperonis stay intact
till they reach your stomach.
Then, bam!
(yelps)
Man, that's harder to swallow than evolution.
You've got to roll it from the point.
Here, let me show you.
Not bad.
Now let it unfurl in your stomach.
Oh! There he is.
(gasps)
(tires squealing)
Oh, kitten whiskers.
There's one thing he didn't count on:
my reckless indifference to human life.
(tires squealing)
Lord, in your mercy, could you give my friend a stroke?
Seymour, those string beans were cooked to perfection.
After 20 years,
I am finally starting to like you.
Just wait for dessert, sir.
I made it with you in mind.
Outstanding.
I'll just shut my eyes
and let you place it before me.
(screaming)
MRS. SKINNER: Seymour, what's going on?
I'm coming down there!
Quick, we'll have to eat from each end.
We'll know we're safe
when our lips meet in the middle.
(screaming)
Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway.
You need a special sticker just to bring a bike.
Have you no respect for the law?
Hey, it worked, didn't it?
Okay, smart guy, you're going in the bag.
(gasping)
Wait, I left a sandwich in there.
(gasps)
(gagging)
Homer, no, you promised.
Everything was supposed to be by the book.
You know what your problem is?
You haven't become as bad as the people we chase.
This partnership is over.
I'll tell you what's over.
This partnership!
You know, if you
take your foot off the accelerator
going downhill, you wouldn't use so much gas.
(sighs) I can't take another word out of you.
(gasping)
I can't believe Flanders dumped me.
Marge, do we have any more
of your extra-long Twinkies?
Oh, no!
Those were for Mr. Smithers' commitment ceremony.
Marge, what's going on?
(sighs)
Homie, I've got a confession to make.
I'm an *** baker.
(gasps) I hid it all in the one place
you'd never look.
Marge, I can see you withholding sex
or withholding cake,
but withholding sexy cake?
I know we have to move past this,
but I don't see how.
Homie, what do you say we go to bed?
You, me and the cake.
First, why don't you and I and the cake take a shower?
Ooh.
(moans sadly)
(electrical buzzing)
Lucky Jim, I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
Not so fast, Ned.
I got one more bail-jumper for you to pick up.
Forget it. I am turning in my...
well, I don't really have anything to turn in.
So that's that.
I suggest you call Homer Simpson.
This is one jumper that Homer can't catch.
(gasps) Homer?
Seems he never showed up in court
on his Saint Patrick's Day arrest.
Not interested.
All right, if you don't want the job,
I'll just give it to one of these guys.
(chainsaw roaring)
I'm sure they're all competent professionals,
but, uh, you'd best leave it to me.
Hello.
Hello, anybody home?
You jumped bail, Homer.
I got to bring you in.
What have you done to my family?
I figured a good time to pick you up
was when they were at Lisa's recital.
And how did you know I wouldn't be there?
Lucky guess.
Well, you'll never take me alive.
Forgot my keys.
(horns honking)
HOMER: Woo-hoo!
(whinnying)
(horns honking)
(panting)
Huh?
(moans nervously)
(panting, grunting)
I loved you, man.
For the last few weeks,
but most of the time I've known you,
you've treated me like dirt.
You hang onto resentment like a Confederate widow.
I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Yeah, but you hold on to the big things.
The point is, the more I got to know you,
the more I got to like you.
I like you, too, but you broke the law.
So, I've got to bring you in.
So, it's gonna be like that, eh?
(grunting)
("Batman Theme" playing)
I've got you, my friend.
Thanks, but... what are you holding on to?
Well, I'm... (screaming)
(sighs in relief)
Now all we have to do is get out
before the concrete hardens.
(both grunting)
Aw, damn it.
(crickets chirping)
"...lest I come and strike the Earth with a curse."
Thus ends the book of Malachi.
I guess I did know
the whole Old Testament by heart.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Testament, that is.
Matthew 1.
"The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ,
"the son of David, the son of Abraham.
"Abraham became the father of Isaac.
"Isaac became the father of Jacob.
"Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers.
"Judah became the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar.
"Perez..." Simpson, we're gonna put you away
for a long, long time.
Make it life, and you've got a deal.
MARGE: Don't feel too bad, Homie.
You'll be free tomorrow.
And I used all my new baking skills
to make a special cake to remind you of me.
(moaning excitedly)
Oh, baby.
Thanks, Marge.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org