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(Car horn honking)
Hey-ey-ey buddy, you ready to do this?
You look like ***.
You did shower right?
Aw come on man, I’ve been looking forward to this for months,
don’t crap out on me now.
So you messed up.
Some people aren’t cut out for “med school.”
The way I see it, you fall down,
you get back up on the ***... -se.
Okay, here we go.
Hey man, this is for you.
I could’ve had a date tonight
with a fine little cashier from the quick mart.
But I told her “Honey, no means no,
“I got plans with my bud.”
Okay, that’s more like it.
You got your tools?
Good.
Now don’t get all Hemingway on me. Let me lead.
Hey, this is a classy joint.
You have to look your best.
The Wingman, at your service.
Welcome to...
Ladies Night.
I don’t get it. This place is usually rocking.
Hang on...
I’m still thirsty.
Hi guys, I’m Lisa. Can I get you–
(Interrupting) Are you new here? I haven’t see you before.
I just started last week.
Can I get you guys something?
Where is everybody?
Well if they’re smart, they’re at home...
with all those murders.
Oh that’s right... tragic.
What is it ten people so far? (Lisa) Twelve.
All with their throats slashed.
They think it’s that escaped convict.
(Whispering) Wouldn’t surprise me. I hear he’s a sick S.O.B.
A real nutjob.
So you think it’s him? The Butcher right?
The Barber.
Kinda silly if you ask me.
Yeah I get it, It’s because of the weapon
a straight-blade right?
All I know is I don’t want to become a statistic.
Oh look at me I’m shaking. I’m sorry, can I get you guys something?
It’s okay hun.
I’ll have a beer
My friend here will have a water.
You got it.
I said follow my lead, don’t play dead.
So what do you think?
Okay, but you’re lucky I’m a risk-taker.
Now help me out a little, will ya?
Here ya go.
Thanks doll.
Can I get you guys anything else?
I think we’re good.
I’m Don.
And this bundle of joy is my buddy Matt.
Hi Matt.
He’s not real sociable.
“Nice to meet you...”
He’s kind of a mute.
“Matty the Mute.”
See that scar on his neck?
Ouch, what happened?
Happened last year.
His old man had just died, and we put away too many beers.
All right, I put away too many beers.
Anyway I wanted to cheer Matty up, so I decided to re-enact a scene from
Reservoir Dogs; have you seen it?
Great film.
Tarantino can’t act for ***, but what a visionary!
Anyway I was doing this scene where Mr. Yellow cuts off that cop’s ear...
“Mr. Blonde.”
Blonde, yellow, whatever. Nerd.
I picked up, I think it was a steak knife, I don’t really remember...
and I move in. Obviously Matty was the cop.
“Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.”
I moved in like this...
came around him like this...
and then I tripped.
I got him right in the ol’ voicebox.
He hasn’t been able to talk since.
(Lisa) You poor thing. (Don chuckles)
Thanks, but I’m okay now.
I mean I felt bad at first but...
but after twelve–
...fifteen beers, one tends to forget, right buddy?
I can’t even imagine.
Oh I almost forgot.
We’re closing at ten. (Don) Ten?
Ha ah, well then. You’d better keep ’em comin’.
Sure you got it Lisa?
I’ll be fine Jerry, I promise.
Hey, I’m gonna be a little late tomorrow,
something came up rather last-minute that I’ve got to deal with.
Anything for my rising star.
Whenever you can make it, that would be great.
Alright, you two guys, good night.
I can’t believe it, this just got too easy.
One more my lady!
Ms. Eye Candy isn’t very good at her job.
(Lisa) Sorry about the mess. (Don) It’s okay.
I see you uh lost your friend.
Yeah, his wife and daughter are home alone,
I told him I’d lock up.
Well, since now that you’re in charge, how ’bout another?
Sorry, last call was two beers ago.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to get going. I’ve got a long walk home.
I imagine it would be pretty scary with that convict on the loose.
Convict? Oh I’m not worried about the convict.
(Don) No? (Lisa) He’s an amateur.
It’s The Barber I’d be afraid of.
So, you don’t think they’re the same person?
There’s no way.
Know why? (Don chuckles)
Pay attention Matty, Nancy Drew here has a theory.
I am all ears Detective.
The convicts already got caught once,
right down the road from here if I remember right.
The guy got out, you have to admit that’s pretty impressive.
Escaping does take skill...
Score one for the convict!
But it’s mostly who you know on the outside, plus a lot of luck.
Oh.
Besides, you never go back to where you were caught.
It’s the first place the cops would look.
You... you are one smart lady. I admire that.
Matty, let’*** the road.
That was strange.
You want to walk me home, no that’s alright.
Okay, let me get my purse.
Where did he go?
Thanks for walking me home.
So, you want to come in?
I could’ve sworn I locked this.
(Screen door slams)
(Phone ringing)
You’ve reached Don’s phone. I’m either doing a chick
or she’s doing me.
Leave a message and I’ll be sure to do you later,
unless you do me first!
Where the hell are you man?
She was willing, I didn’t even need the stuff.
I’m gonna get her ready, you’d better get here quick.
(Plastic crinkles)
Now that’s a scar!
Matty? Matty, is she ready?
(Distant struggle)
Matt! I want a shot at the ***.
(Lisa) He’s at a loss for words.
Welcome home, convict.
(Heart beating)
Now that I have your attention,
there are a few points I’d like to make.
One, the Internet is a fascinating tool.
You can find anything on there, anything!
Like, say a recipe for a new vegan dish,
or a story about an escaped convict and failed med student
who *** and *** innocent women.
The story I find the most fascinating,
is about a vigilante killer named “The Barber,” silly name.
SHE takes care of scumbags who have no compassion for human life.
Mr. Pez Dispenser over there was number thirteen.
(Don protests) (Lisa) Two...
I’m not crazy about the number thirteen.
(Don) You... (Lisa) And three...
You should have stayed in jail.
♪ I’m gonna fly But not alone ♪
♪ I’m not gonna cry Oh no ♪
♪ Cuz I’m a wingman And I got your back ♪
♪ I’m a wingman You ain’t goin’ solo ♪
♪ I’m your wingman And we ain’t goin’ home alone ♪
Hey how ya doin’. I saw you standin’ at the other end of the bar, and I,
I just couldn’t help but notice your beautiful hair and the,
the way your fingernails match your purse, uh,
hey let me introduce you to my friend Don here.
♪ I’m a wingman oh I’m your wingman ♪