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jbjb Hi. My name is Rebecca. Em forty-five years old. Em, I work in the East End of London,
em, in a pub called The Sun Inn, in Bethnal Green Road. Em a, ***, a male to female
***. Em, I transistioned round about seven years ago. In fact, I can remember the
day quite well, when I signed my, em, change of name documentation that was, er we re coming
up to that anniversary. That was the 3rd of October, two thousand and three Yeah, em,
I guess if we re going to do the whole childhood thing, em, I was born in, well, obviously
in the mid-sixties. Er, my father is a retired Methodist minister. My mother, em, was a teacher.
Em, she died when I was eighteen. Em life growing up in a Methodist Church, especially
if your father is a Methodist minister, is a succession of moves, and by the time I was
eleven, I think I had been to about six different schools. So, it was, you get used to moving.
You get used to change. Actually change being a fairly constant theme I guess. Em, I, I
suppose for that reason, I ve always been one to look on change as opportunity rather
than threat where I know so many people tend to get very suspicious a, about change and
what it represents to them. Em, to mentioned em, earlier, I did say I am ***. As
far as growing up is concerned, em, I think, that was something that I d always tried very
hard to suppress, subconsciously even, suppressed. I m not too sure which it was. I have very
few memories of childhood. All I m conscious of was the fact that I found it very difficult
to socialise, make friends. Wether that was the consequence of the fact that I was never
in the same place long enough to make friends, or whether it was more em, something a little
deeper, I, I don t know and three years of psychotherapy in later life still haven t,
you know, uncovered any answers for me. Em I guess, em I I did all the things that people
in my situation do when they re young. You know. Em, dressing up in private, em, that s you know, been there,
done that. Em, in fact, I remember a very painful in the embarrassing sense, conversation
with my parents when they found out, when they, when they told me, em, that if I didn
t stop, they d have to take me to see somebody. Now, I mean that, that wasn t helpful at the
time. I think I was about fourteen or fifteen at the time. There had been things, there
are things that resonated from round there. I mean remember in particular the tennis player,
Renee Richards and the, and, and her transition, and her challenge to the US professional tour
to be allowed to compete, er, with other women, something which, em I recall, she was unsuccessful
in achieving. Em I remember at the time thinking, I can only put it as Oh God, please don t
let me be like that. and, very strange thing for an eleven year old to think about, but
there, there was clearly something resonating even then. I, the fact that I was actually
identifying with her at that stage suggests I was all too conscious of what was actually
going on at the time. anyway, em I didn t do anything about it at the time. Er, my parents
didn t do anything about it at the time and in some ways. I regret the missed opportunity,
em, because I spent the next twenty, twenty plus years, em, trying to assimilate? To conform?
Em, suppressing something inside me that, you know, is clearly, was a very big part
of me. And being less than complete as a result of that. As I say, the inability to socialise.
To form relationships. That was, em that was a con (coughs) excuse me, that was a constant
feature. university was I suppose, the ice-breaker for me. Em, I went, I make the joke about
the only girl in an all boy s school because no one knew that at the time. Em and even
the, the youth organisations I belonged to were boy s only. You know, I went to the Scouts.
So em, opportunities to socialise with girls was very very limited. I mean, university,
em, was an ice-breaker to a certain extent and I did form a relationship when I was there,
for a couple of years, and, that, that didn t survive after I graduated. when I was I
returned back to London, read for the Bar, em didn t pass the finals em, but em, ended
up working in the legal profession, em, within the, em, for a firm of solicitors, local government
and ultimately the Crown Prosecution Service. Em, but, round about then, got drawn into,
em, a local church youth group, em, which was on the point of closure. Em, it was my
own church, Methodist church in Barkingside. And that that was where I met Wendy. Em, and,
it was love at first sight, as far as I m concerned. Em and, I spent the next year making
an absolute idiot of myself, er, until we actually went out on our first date. Em we
were married, em, two or three years later, in nineteen ninety-three and remained married
for about ten years. d like to say that everything in the garden was rosy, but it wasn t. Er,
I became ill with depression in about nineteen ninety-seven, and, shortly after I d transferred
from the Crown Prosecution Service to the Office of the Parliamentary Ombudsman in,
in Millbank. Em, that was I think, I didn t enjoy the commute for a start. There I was
living out in Grays in Essex at that time. Em I found the journey difficult. Em there
were very different environments to the one that I was used to, at the Crown Prosecution
Service. The pace at the Ombudsman s office was far slower. There were very few positive
stresses. And I m one of those people who thrive on challenge and, em, under the pressure
of short deadlines and em and quick turnover of work. There was there was none of that
there. I think that was one of the reasons why I found it so very difficult to settle.
But I became depressed although at the time it was identified as chronic fatigue syndrome
I think. That s another label people use quite a lot because of the stigma that, that s,
ga, is associated with mental health issues. Be that as it may, I spent much of the next
two years, em working from home on a relatively infrequent basis, but also, em spending a
lot of time unable to move really. Sort of veged out on the sofa, not doing anything.
Just staring blankly into space. Em, round about the same time, em, I bought a computer,
em, because I was working from home, and because the office officially didn t have a home working
policy, em, what I did was set myself up as a home worker, provided my own equipment so
that I could actually continue to function in the work place. And it was during one of
those days off work, that, for reasons, I still don t know, I still can t remember,
I actually logged on to a transgender website. Can t remember which one it was? Em, at the
time there were a huge number of them out there. And it clicked. Er, I mean, again,
em, it brought back a lot of associations, and, particularly with behaviour that I d
tried to suppress very hard when I was a teenager. Em things kind of developed from there, I
guess. unfortunately, and I, can hehe, I, I, you know, I, I can t attribute any blame
to Wendy for this. It was not something that she found it easy to accept. And, when it
became clear that, em that I was not just a cross dresser but someone who felt the need
to transition em,
and go through a process of gender reassignment, that was the end of our relationship. Em,
that hit me very very hard, er, and, the depression effectively deepened, at that point. I I found
it er, for a while, I was pretty much, completely dysfunctional, em, to the point of, em, suicidal?
But there again, that s not unusual. Em and, certainly when I have this conversation with
friends, it s like, we re all ticking the same boxes in some ways. Been there, done
that. A a after about two thousand and two, it was no longer enough just being me at home.
Em, I felt the need to be, out and about. To come out, and you know it s a clich .
I, I don t know how I feel about the expression but, in some ways, yes, em, I seemed to spend
my time hiding in closets of one kind or another hehehehe. But em, but it was em, about two
thousand and two, two thousand and three that I started socialising. Em and er I d, in in
the meantime, I d still been using the msn chat rooms to make a lot of friends. And it
was a great chance to meet a lot of them as well. So I ended up, em, frequenting, a club
in, em, in Stepney Green. Em, based in the pub called the Black Horse. No longer there
now. Em, closed down, em, two or three years ago. Em, but it hosted, I think, I could best
describe it as a tribute night to the late Ron Storm, whose associated, associations
with the East End of London em, dated back to the late Sixties and his club Travesty
Night em, which was, used to be hosted at The George, er, in Stepney on Commercial Road.
Em, I met a lot of people there. Em, mostly based around the drag queen and the, em em,
and the transvestite er scene. Em, and after a while, it it was clear to me that, we didn
t really have that much in common. But don t, met a lot of friends among the clientele
of the pub, not just those that that came dressed up. PAGE PAGE &`#$ ELOP 1 Office 2004
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