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Welcome home, sir.
Get rid of it. I never want to see it again.
What are you talking about, sir?
The plane, Alfred!
But Master Wayne, you love this plane.
No. I hate that plane.
It's a slow plane, just destroy it!
It's not just your plane.
It's your father's plane!
And it's all that's left of him.
Don't destroy it.
Fine!
Then... get rid of it, I... I don't know.
Send it to Spiderman! Who cares? Just get it out of my sight.
Now, there's an idea. Spiderman could use a good plane.
This world.
It's rotten, Alfred. Rotten to the core.
It's just full of people who
kill your parents and
fly faster than your plane!
You know, the one thing that made me happy,
the one thing that I liked
was being more powerful than everyone else.
Soaring godlike in the sky
blasting laser guided precision missiles
crippling misguided youngsters that I never met.
Made me feel like I was worth a damn.
But if I can't even fly faster than Superman...
I might as well die!
Come on then, sir! Cheer up!
You know there's more to life than senseless violence and extravagant peacocking.
Like what?
Well, like family. And friends.
Think, sir: Who do you like spending time with?
The Joker.
But he's in heaven now.
With Mom and Paps.
Making them laugh, I just know it!
The closest thing that I have to a friend is - you.
But I pay you.
Apples and pears.
But, er, surely there's somebody else.
What about your work friends?
I've never worked a *** day in my life.
You know that, Alfred.
Plus, the only person I ever see over at Wayne Enterprises is -
Lucius Fox!
Yeah! He's always making me planes and tanks and guns and stuff.
That means he's my friend, right?
Well, there you go. One friend.
Things aren't as bad as they seem.
Yeah! Why, I haven't talked to him in a dog's age. I'll give him a call, right now.
Oh, right now! Well, perhaps I should leave the room first.
No, Alfred, you'll stick around, you can say hi too, he'll love it!
No, wait! Sir! Please!
I've a confession to make, sir.
You're not the only one with a secret identity.
Turn around!
The other way.
What?
That's right. Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth are the same person.
You see, when I was stationed in Burma with your father - this was before the war -
I made a promise.
I swore that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your butler.
So I, Lucius Fox, took up the guise of Alfred Pennyworth, so I could give you words of wisdom twenty-four-seven,
eight days a week,
at work and at home.
So,
all those times that you cleaned the entire mansion?
A ruse.
And my laundry?
I just throw them out at the end of the week, I buy you new clothes.
So, what you're saying is that...
I... I don't have one friend after all.
Alfred!
How could you do this to me? You got my hopes up so high, and then you mugged and shot them in an alleyway!
Turns out that I can't even trust you after all.
You're fired, you old fraud!
Get the hell out of the Batcave!
Well, if that's what you bloody want, then fine!
Fine!
Good!
Great!
You wouldn't last a day without me!
Oh, I will, too!
Wanna bet?
Yeah!
*** you!
***- *** you!
Yeah.
Good riddance.
I don't need any stupid
Alfred!
Wait...
Oh, what have I done?
Top of the morning, sir!
Who are you?
And how did you get into the Batcave?
Oh me? Well, the agency just send me over.
I'm er... I'm What's-His-Face's replacement.
My name is O'Malley. The Irish butler.
Good to meet you, O'Malley.
I'm Batman.
And I'm in a bad mood.
And...
the cave is a mess.
It's a nice cave.
You know, before the war your father used these tunnels to help build the underground railroad.
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to be alone?
I am alone.
This is what it means to be Batman.
Darkness.
Solitude.
This is the life that I have chosen.
Nay.
The life that has chosen me!
Poor Master Bruce.
He's such a dark, sad, lonely, melancholy knight.
Poor Master Bruce, poor Mr. Wayne Lonely caboose on a one car train
And it pains me to watch you amble along This track of loneliness is all I've done for you
I remember that horrible night, the night you were split in two And I swore I'd protect you
And I haven't!
So I built a wall all around you But the wall was too tall and it blocked out all
Of the birds and the sun
I tried to raise you right
I tried to raise you proper
I tried to be a mentor and a friend, and a mama and a papa, too
And insulate you from any outside source of fright
And make bloody certain
That you'll never see another dark, sad, lonely night
When I look at my life I see something's not right
Like a thousand percent
And I wonder what it is how it is that it's always just me here crying alone at the end of the night
A ten thousand percent
I put most of the blame on Alfred
How come he couldn't take that bullet intended
For Mama and Papa?
I never had a pony
I never had pets
Just a *** butler
Who builds *** jets
I'm falling apart
I need a friend
Somebody to hold on to
Somebody to confide in
Think of the children
Next time you gun down their mama and papa
Their only mama and papa
Because they probably
Don't have
Another mama and papa
I was seeing a girl for a while
A couple of days anyway and I told her I loved her
She said: 'You're such a good friend and that rash is bad
You should probably go see your doctor.'
Then she just disappeared, sent me some texts about bad timing and my love being selfish
Then my doctor called up and the blood came back and as it turns out I'm allergic to peanuts and shellfish
I loved peanuts and shellfish once
I'm falling apart
I'm lacking punch
I can barely eat
This morning I barely touched my brunch
Two spoons of oatmeal,
A couple of nuts and half a banana
And like my soul
The banana
Was bruised and black
I'm falling apart I need a friend
Somebody to hold on to
Somebody to confide in
Somebody to ride in the cockpit
Co-captain of the friendship ship
Or maybe just a friend ship
Well, if I had a buddy
with me to discuss just what we call friendship
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a dumb *** butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a dumb *** butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a bumbling butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a dumb *** butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a bumbling butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a dumb *** butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who could be my buddy back
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Anybody but a bumbling butler
I wanna be somebody's buddy
Somebody who can be my buddy back
I wanna be
Somebody's buddy
Master Bruce needs companionship. But where does a young handsome man gonna meet friends in the year 1997?
Duh, O'Malley! Get with the times!
The personal ads, of course!
Let's see here.
Single white female seeking old English butler for a good time.
Ooh! I just keep that one.
Put it in my pocket. Save it for a rainy day, I will.
Let's see... Dogs for sale. No.
Orphans for sale?
Even better. By the luck of the Irish O'Malley, you've done it again!