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- You having much pain?
- Not much.
- But I'm a little groggy.
- I'm a little groggy myself.
- Wanna lie down?
- You better save your strength.
- Major.
- Oh, Able, I'm glad you're here.
I need some rest.
Yeah, you really look beat.
Good, but beat.
- Thanks.
- Good night.
It's nearly morning.
Halt! Who goes there?
Klinger, you're a disgrace
to the army.
Thank you, ma'am.
I'm doing my best.
I'll escort you to your tent.
- Over my dead body.
- That's possible, Major.
Some North Korean prisoners
have been released in the area.
An attractive person
like yourself might be in danger.
Of course,
the same is true for me.
I can take care of myself,
Cinderella.
I understand this is a good neighborhood
to pick up sailors.
- Oh, can it.
- Halt! Who goes there?
She's either surrendering
or signaling for a touchdown.
- [Speaking Korean]
- What the hell is she saying?
Her mother's giving birth
and needs help.
[Korean]
I'll get my bag.
This is what happens to you
when you don't eat your vegetables.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- But, ma'am, that's dangerous!
- I'll be fine.
[Korean]
If anything happens to you,
can I have your clothes?
## [Singing]
- Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.
- Good.
Undo my bra.
I usually don't let guys
do this on the first date.
## [Humming]
Ooh.
Looks like you're gonna be wearing
a bigger hat for a while, soldier.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I can't make this out.
When did he last have morphine?
I can't read it either.
It's Major Houlihan's writing.
- Gee, she writes bad enough
to be a doctor.
- Get her here on the double.
- What if she's not dressed?
- Bring her in her birthday suit.
My pleasure.
I'll get her.
We took enough shrapnel
out of you to build a jeep.
Two seconds to go.
Celtics down by one.
Pierce with a 50-foot hook shot.
He makes it!
The crowd goes wild!
They spill onto the court.
He's smothered with cheerleaders.
[Giggles] Girls, please,
there's enough to go around.
- Girls! Whoo!
- Are you okay, sir?
Never better.
Have you ever been attacked
by a squadron of cheerleaders
- shaking their pom-poms in your face?
- No, we never had cheerleaders.
- My condolences to your libido.
- Right.
Uh, sir, I'm looking
for Major Houlihan.
Oh, Radar, you little devil.
It's not for me, sir.
It's for Colonel Potter.
- That's even worse.
He's a married man.
- Come on.
I gotta find her.
- Have you looked in her tent?
- Yeah.
So have I,
but she keeps catching me.
[B.
J.
]
Two points!
[Hawkeye]
Let's ask the average G.
I.
Excuse me,
sir.
I have a question for you.
That must be the one
I ordered last week.
Where is it?
- It's in my mouth.
- Spit it out.
The corporal here and I are
looking for a Major Houlihan.
Sorry, but I know a geisha house in Tokyo
where you can get a minor Houlihan.
Come on, guys.
This is important.
I've just been in the shower,
and I didn't see anyone in there
with clusters like Margaret's.
Will you guys pipe down!
There's a doctor trying to sleep here!
- Then shut up, Frank.
You might wake him.
- And nuts to you.
- Master of the half-witticism.
- What are you doing here, grunthead?
- I'm trying to locate Major Houlihan.
- You mean Major Houlihan, sir.
I don't know what to call her anymore.
She says "ma'am.
" You say "sir.
"
## [Hawkeye Singing]
Any mindless baboon can see
she's not here, including me.
- Now get out!
- Okay!
But I'm telling you.
It's really spooky.
It's like she disappeared.
- Check Houdini's tent.
- People just don't disappear.
- Tell that to Amelia Earhart.
- I hope Margaret's all right.
Trust me.
She's great.
How can you make jokes
when she could be lying out
there in a ditch somewhere
with two broken legs, with rats and bugs
crawling all over her?
- Frank, stop it.
You're getting me excited!
- Suppose the Chinese got her.
- Suppose King Kong got her.
- Could be.
She's always been
a little bananas.
- We can't just sit around.
We gotta do something.
- You're right.
I'll shave.
- I'll take a shower.
- Where's my shirt?
- Here.
- You used my shirt as a basketball?
Had to.
Your underwear
wouldn't bounce.
- Hey, Klinger?
- [Grunts]
- Uh, Klinger?
- Mom, I don't wanna go to school today.
- I've got a headache.
- It's Radar.
Radar, I don't wanna go
to school today.
- Have you seen Major Houlihan?
- She's having a baby.
Klinger, you're dreaming.
Honey, let's get back in the front seat.
Here come the cops.
[Sighs]
An officer shouldn't
go out looking like this.
You're right, Frank.
And that
wrinkled shirt doesn't help either.
- Where I'm going,
nobody cares how I look.
- That could be anywhere.
- I'm going out into the jungle
to hunt for Margaret.
- I understand she's game.
Don't be a smarty-pants.
She's probably been abducted
by Chinese heathens.
They have her hanging upside down
by her feet from a bamboo tree
doing unspeakable things to her.
Speak a few.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away,
I'm gonna find a new holster for it.
## [Singing]
## [Humming]
[Gunshot]
You moron!
You could have killed me!
It was an accident!
It ricocheted off the footlocker.
- I'll ricochet your nose
off the footlocker.
- What happened?
- Hopalong Ferret Face
just shot me in the leg.
- I'm sorry.
- Let me take a look at it.
- Will you respect me in the morning?
He just grazed it.
You're gonna have to have
a couple of stitches though.
- Help me get him into O.
R.
- Frank, you're a credit to the enemy.
I said I'm sorry.
What more can I do?
[B.
J.
] Put an apple in your mouth.
We'll play William Tell.
[Frank] Say, Beej, you're not gonna
report me or anything, are you?
- [Hawkeye] Frank, stop acting
like a sniveling idiot.
- I'm not acting!
- [B.
J.
] Get away from me!
- Just promise you won't tell
on me and get me in trouble.
Huh? Please? Pretty please?
- [Hawkeye] We promise, Frank.
- [Potter] What happened here?
- Frank shot B.
J.
- Tattletale! Stool pigeon!
Fink! Indian giver!
- [Potter] How bad is it?
- Superficial.
Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman
as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir?
When I was a kid, my daddy used
to take me to the pony rides
- How did it happen, Burns?
- You mean
- Right.
- I was cleaning my weapon,
and it discharged prematurely.
Sir, I think the Chinese
have captured Major Houlihan.
I see.
So naturally,
you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
- Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
- Sorry, sir.
Don't blame the boy, Burns.
He knows a goodjoke when he sees one.
- Colonel, permission to go out
and find the major?
- Permission denied.
- But
- No.
I'll be in my tent.
- [Chuckles]
- A mental pygmy.
- Now, what's the story on Houlihan?
- Nobody's seen her.
- Strange.
- I've checked with everyone from
Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.
- "A" to "Z.
" Very methodical.
- I try to use the alphabet
whenever I can, sir.
- You must have missed someplace.
- I've looked everywhere
except the nurses' showers.
Oh, no, sir.
I couldn't look in there.
There might be naked female personnel
showering with their clothes off.
- What's the big deal?
- Oh, well, "nudidity"
makes me breathe funny.
Affects me the same way.
Do it.
But, sir, couldn't we find somebody
else, like maybe Captain Pierce?
No, we'd never get him out of there.
You're the man.
I Yes, sir.
[Knocking]
- Hello?
- [Screams] Radar, get out of here!
- Don't be scared.
My eyes are closed.
- What do you want?
- I'm just looking for
Major Houlihan.
Is she in here?
- No, she's not!
- Oh.
Well, then, I'll just go then.
- Good.
- Good.
- Radar!
- [Grunting]
- No, remember, breathe.
[Korean]
[Breathing Deeply]
- [Man Speaking Korean]
- She's gonna be fine.
[Korean]
Hold it, no!
Don't push.
Don't push.
Ah.
Uh
[Korean]
[Panting]
Got a little problem here.
[Korean] She'll be fine.
The cord's around the baby's neck.
I just have to move it.
It's okay now.
Major Houlihan
is here to help you.
Just promise me you won't
grow up to be a North Korean.
Medically speaking,
Frank Burns is a beanbag.
- Put it in layman's terms.
- He belongs in a rubber room.
He's nuts!
- I agree he's a pain in the neck.
- Try three feet lower.
But you gotta give him an "A"
for resourcefulness.
How many doctors do you know
provide their own patients?
Excuse me, sirs.
I was just
looking in the nurses' showers.
I told you you wouldn't go blind.
- Any luck?
- No, sir.
Nurse Baker
was the only one in there.
If that's not luck,
I'll eat my socks.
Radar, call the M.
P.
s.
Ask 'em if they've seen Major Houlihan.
- Yes, sir.
- And then ask them if
they've seen Gone With the Wind.
Pumpkinhead! Now my lip's
going to swell up!
- Might even get to normal size.
- Go twaddle in your tent.
- What is it, Burns?
- Well, Colonel, I'm still
worried about Margaret.
- We're all worried, Major.
- But I'm more worried
than anybody else.
- It's not a contest.
- Sir, I just don't feel
like I'm doing enough.
You're doing fine.
It's only 10:00,
and you've already shot a doctor.
Sir, I called the M.
P.
s.
Nobody's seen Major Houlihan.
- Well, I better turn
this over to Intelligence.
- That lets you out, Frank.
- I'll call "l" Corps
- Ring up "l" Corps
Tell the M.
P.
S
to search all native vehicles.
Alert the M.
P.
S
to check all native vehicles.
Sir, I'm willing to help in any way
I can.
I know I'm a real asset.
You're only off by two letters.
I'm telling you, Sparky.
It's weird.
If a full-size person like
Major Houlihan can just disappear
think what could happen
to my rabbit.
He could be kidnapped
by some Chinese magician.
- [Chuckles]
- [Door Opening]
Uh, Spark, I gotta go.
Colonel Flagg just come in.
Okay, pip-squeak,
what tipped you off?
Uh, well, you don't
look anything like you, sir.
And since you're a master of disguises,
I figured you're the only one
who couldn't look
like you that much.
I'll buy that for now.
But if you ever cross me up,
you're gonna get a number eight.
What's that?
Have you ever heard of the Malaysian
chest implosion torture?
- No, sir.
- Good, 'cause there's no such thing.
- Yet.
- Right.
I'll get Colonel Potter for you.
- Hold it!
- All right.
Nobody tells anybody I'm anywhere.
- Right.
- Including me.
With you in a minute, Flagg.
Nice suit.
Your clown outfit
in the cleaners?
Don't try to be funny
with me, Colonel.
I've trained myself
not to laugh or smile.
- Really?
- Watched a hundred hours
of The Three Stooges.
Every time I felt like smiling
I jabbed myself in the stomach
with a cattle prod.
- That ought to do it.
- Let's can the small talk.
Fill me in on the Houlihan case.
Well, she's been missing since
last night.
We've looked everywhere.
Everywhere? [Chuckles]
There's no such thing
as "everywhere.
"
I'm gonna change
and poke around a bit.
Pardon me for asking, Colonel, but why
are you dressed like an Italian usher?
- Can you keep a secret?
- I think so.
I'm disguised as Ling Chow,
Chinese double agent.
Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Neither would Ling Chow
if he were dressed like this.
- Follow me?
- As far as I'd like to.
- Well, I'm off.
- I couldn't have said it better myself.
- How's the leg?
- Not too bad.
When I blow on my big toe,
my thigh whistles.
Don't be such a namby-pamby.
It's just a little hole.
- Like the one in Frank's head.
- Pound it out your porthole.
- Come in.
- I'm already in.
- He's so light on his feet.
- Shut up.
- If you have anything to say,
keep your mouth closed.
- [Mumbling]
Can it.
What happened to your leg?
- Cut myself shaving.
- Another comedian.
- Where's Houlihan?
- I think it's near Dublin.
That's insubordination.
You do that to me one more time
and I'm entitled to
bite off your left ear.
- Just food for thought.
- He's not bluffing.
He got van Gogh.
Let me tell you something.
I have a complete record on you.
I know every move you make.
Everything there is to know about you,
so watch your step, Hunnicutt.
- I'm Pierce.
- Fine.
You wanna call yourself Pierce,
I can play that game too.
[Nervous Giggle]
- This won't look good on your record.
- It's only Reader's Digest.
Not when you eliminate the third,
fifth and sixth letters.
Then it's Red's Digest, Comrade.
- But, Colonel
- Listen, ***! You're my prime suspect.
- Isn't it true you had a torrid
relationship with Houlihan?
- No, sir.
- You wanna see the films?
- Films?
- I'll get the popcorn.
- You were insanely jealous
of her engagement.
You were furious at being rejected.
You were capable of ***.
That's right.
So you hit her over
the head with a blunt instrument.
- The saxophone.
- Then you hypnotized her and
told her she was Johnny Ray.
Then you performed plastic surgery.
Made her look like Johnny.
[Pierce] The rest is obvious.
You stuck her in a trunk.
You mailed her to Las Vegas.
And now she's doing two shows
a night at the Sands.
- Three on Saturday.
- There's only one flaw in that theory.
- Only one?
- They don't do three shows
Saturday night at the Sands.
- How do you know?
- I was a showgirl for six weeks.
- Colonel Potter, sir.
- Radar, you can call me
either Colonel or sir.
- You don't have to call me both.
- Yes, sir, Colonel.
That's better.
Now, what is it?
The Korean ladies are here
for their baby birthing lesson.
And Major Houlihan and I usually
do that, so I was wondering
[Simultaneously]
If I could help out and give
the lecture to the Korean ladies.
- Sure.
- Thank you, sir.
Sometimes
that stuff makes me gag.
- I'll be gentle.
- Good morning, my colonel.
- Klinger, you look lovely in yellow.
- Always a gentleman.
- Now the contractions
are getting really strong.
- [Korean]
When you feel one, you take
a deep breath and push.
Radar.
- Between them, you relax
and breathe normally.
- [Korean]
Now we're getting
near the finish line.
Another contraction and you
can see the baby's head appear.
So you take a deep breath and push.
Take it easy, Radar.
You don't
wanna shoot him across the room.
Now as you gently rotate
the baby's head
the shoulder will appear.
And once the shoulders are delivered,
the rest of the body slips
through easily.
- Swoosh!
- [Korean] Swish!
But it doesn't sound like that.
Congratulations, Mrs.
O'Reilly.
It's a bear.
A C.
I.
A.
, F.
B.
I.
,
Intelligence man drinking?
I'm not drinking.
It just looks like I'm drinking.
- You had me fooled.
- Two years ago in Morocco
I had a device surgically implanted
in my throat that neutralizes alcohol.
That way the enemy
can never get me drunk.
- I find that hard to swallow.
- I heard they do that
to get the truth out of you.
Nobody can get the truth out of me
because even I don't know what it is.
I keep myself in a constant
state of utter confusion.
That's the best way
to keep things organized.
Making yourself at home, Flagg?
I have no home.
I'm the wind.
- I told you he was the wind.
You said he was the stars.
- No, I said he was the moon.
Listen, Colonel Wind, would
you mind blowing your butt off
my chair so I can sit down?
Very well, Colonel.
Time for me to get up anyway.
- I only sit two minutes a day.
- It's bad to put pressure
on your brains.
Glad you're here, Potter.
I want you all to hear my plan.
If it's your plan, sir,
I'll bet it's a good one.
Burns, you interrupt me one more time,
I'm gonna drop a grenade
down your shorts.
Got it.
Now, I have searched
the entire camp
and Major Houlihan is not here.
I think the Chinese got her.
I have been
in this business 20 years
and I'm not interested
in the speculations of an amateur.
- What's your theory?
- The Chinese got her.
That's what I said, sir.
What?
Oh, nothing.
No, it's Nothing.
Now, I want a platoon of rangers
to parachute into North Korea
to search and destroy
anything that moves.
- But, Colonel, Margaret moves!
- Who would know better than Frank?
Colonel, let's not cause
any unnecessary casualties.
- What's war without casualties?
- Peace.
If it wasn't for war,
you wouldn't know what peace was!
- He's got a point there.
- Yeah, it's under his hat.
All we're interested in
is getting Major Houlihan back.
- I'll get her back.
- Dead or alive?
Right.
Alert the navy
for offshore artillery.
I want a squadron of copters
for air-to-ground search
and, uh, round up
a box of scorpions.
About a dozen.
- You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
- Big ones.
- What the hell are you gonna do
with a box of scorpions?
- It's personal.
Gift for a friend.
That's it.
Get moving.
Corporal!
If you can't find scorpions
get two snakes and a rat.
And a rat.
Right, right.
[Baby Cooing]
- Afternoon, Major.
- Corporal.
- I see everything came out all right.
- Isn't he beautiful?
He sure is.
In my family,
every baby had a nose like a hawk.
Here.
Take him and his mother
over to post-op.
I'll be there in a minute.
How do you breathe
through that little thing?
- Anything happen while I was gone?
- I ripped my pink pedal pushers.
Other than that, it's been very quiet.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
[Margaret]
Stop that.
You wanna call out
the entire 315th Air Division?
That's gonna make a lot of noise.
Why don't we just drop
an atomic bomb?
Hey, don't try
to make friends with me.
I've been sitting here quietly
for a long time, and there's
something I'd like to say now.
- What is it?
- Good-bye.
- [Hawkeye] I'll join you.
- Go on ahead, you two bleeding hearts.
Colonel Flagg and I don't need you.
My father touched me
like that once.
To this day, he still has
to wear orthopedic shirts.
- Margaret!
- [All Shouting Indistinctly]
- [Flagg] Hold it!
- Colonel Flagg.
Don't anybody touch her.
She may be ***-trapped.
Wait a minute, Flagg.
Where have you been, Margaret?
I went down the road to deliver a baby.
Didn't Klinger tell you?
- Klinger!
- He probably forgot.
His mind isn't what it used to be.
- Maybe he's going through menopause.
- We were worried sick!
Well, Flagg, it was fun
while it lasted.
Count on me.
I can find anything.
Can you find my virginity? I lost it 20
years ago.
I haven't seen it since.
Radar!
- Get on the horn.
Call off the whole shebang.
- I just did.
Sir, what about your scorpions?
That's all right.
I'll get some from home.
Well, I guess you've got better things
to do, Flagg, like torturing sheep.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Now, everybody close your eyes.
- I beg your pardon?
- Close our eyes?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- When I finish a job,
nobody sees me leave.
- I forgot.
You're the wind.
- I'm either swallowed up by night
or disappear in the mist.
It's my trademark.
Now, close your eyes.
- I'd rather close my ears.
- If you don't close your eyes,
I'm not leaving.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Okay.
- [Screams]
- [Glass Shattering]
The wind just broke its leg.
I've got it.
Third one from the left.
- She was wearing a big hat
and carrying a parasol.
- What are you talking about?
I saw Colonel Flagg in Vegas
when he was a showgirl.
I knew there was
something wrong with her.
- What tipped you off, the beard?
- No, she was the only one
carrying a machine gun.
## [Singing]
[Imitating Machine Gun Fire]
- Checkmate.
- What? Again? What is it with you?