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THIS FAMILY MEETING WAS SUPPOSED TO START A HALF HOUR AGO.
ISN'T DADDY HERE YET?
YOUR DAD IS A LAWYER. IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
HE'S PROBABLY FORECLOSING ON SOMEBODY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SURPRISE!
IT'S ME--SASCHA!
[IMITATING HER] HI...SASCHA!
WHERE'S MY DAD?
HE HAD TO GO TO JAPAN.
JAPAN?
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
HE USED TO TELL ME HE LEFT THE LIGHTS ON AT WORK.
WELL, HE HAD A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING,
SO HE SENT ME AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE.
SO FROM NOW ON, JUST PRETEND I'M HIM.
FINE. SIT YOUR SHINY BALD HEAD DOWN
AND LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH.
UM...AHEM, O.K.,
MOM AND...
WHATEVER...
NOW,
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE THE DIVORCE,
AND WE'VE SPENT A CHRISTMAS WITH EACH OF YOU.
YEAH, AND IT BITES.
SO WE WERE THINKING THAT MAYBE THIS YEAR
WE COULD CELEBRATE TOGETHER.
EVERYONE.
EVERYONE EVERYONE?
PLEASE, MOM,
CAN'T WE ALL BE TOGETHER?
I FINALLY GOT MY CHRISTMAS WISH.
MY BOY MAD FROG GOT SOME CHEAP AIRLINE TICKETS.
DON'T WORRY. IT'S PERFECTLY LEGIT.
I JUST HAVE TO TRAVEL UNDER THE NAME TYRONE NAGASUKI.
I LEAVE FOR NEW YORK CHRISTMAS EVE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH US.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT, AUSTIN,
BUT CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR.
I LIKE TO BE WITH MY FAMILY. YOU UNDERSTAND, CHIEF.
YEAH.
SWEETHEART, I DON'T LIKE BEING SEPARATED
ANY MORE THAN YOU DO OVER CHRISTMAS.
IF YOUR FATHER'S WILLING TO SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER,
SO AM I.
HE'S WILLING.
THANK YOU, MOM.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO HUG YOUR FATHER.
AUSTIN.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NATIONAL BROADCASTING, NBC PRODUCTIONS,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
HEY, GUESS WHAT, MARION.
DADDY SENT ME A TICKET TO SPEND THE HOLIDAY
WITH THE FAMILY IN...
VEGAS.
HA HA HA!
WE'RE STAYING IN A CAMPER
IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE MIRAGE.
SO YOU'RE STAYING ON THE STRIP THIS YEAR.
YEAH!
SO, UH, COULD YOU DRIVE THE LIMO FOR ME ON CHRISTMAS DAY?
I ALWAYS SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY FAMILY.
IF I'M NOT THERE, WHO WILL STOP COUSIN LOUIE
FROM SELLING WATCHES AT THE CANDLELIGHT SERVICE?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OHH...
NANNA, IS THAT YOU?
NO, IT'S MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
SHE'S PULLING YOUR LEG, MARION.
THAT'S NANNA.
I KNOW WHO IT IS, CLAYTON.
JACKIE DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING FOR THE HOLIDAY.
WHY SHOULD SHE? YOU'RE THE HELP.
BESIDES, I DIDN'T TELL HER EITHER.
I GUESS I BETTER GO FIND SOMEONE TO DRIVE THAT LIMO.
I'D LET MY UNCLE MERLE DO IT,
BUT HE SPITS TOBACCO, AND SOMETIMES HE FORGETS TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HAPPY HOLIDAYS. THIS IS MARION. WHO'S THIS?
NANNA, IT'S SOMEONE NAMED BUSTER.
TELL HIM I'M NOT HERE,
AND EVEN IF I WERE, I WOULDN'T SPEAK TO HIM.
SHE'S NOT HERE.
HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU'RE HERE.
HE HEARD YOUR BIG MOUTH.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIG MOUTH, BUSTER?
YES, I KNOW WHERE YOUR HOUSE SHOES ARE,
AND I'M NOT TELLING.
NANNA!
OH, JACKIE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OHH! OHH!
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. WHERE'S GRAMPA BUSTER?
OH, HE'S HOME DROPPING SPOONS
SO THE DAY NURSE HAS TO BEND OVER.
HA HA HA HA!
BUT NEVER MIND HIM.
YOU'VE GOT ME FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON!
TALK ABOUT THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
SHOW ME THAT CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!
HA HA HA HA!
I'M GOING TO SMACK TIFFANY
IF SHE KEEPS MOVING MY ORNAMENTS.
[JACKIE] TIFFANY, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR BROTHER'S ORNAMENTS.
THEY'RE ALL ON THE SAME BRANCH. THE TREE'S TILTING.
MMM. LOOKS STRAIGHT TO ME.
ANOTHER GLASS OF THAT EGGNOG,
AND LITTLE RICHARD WILL LOOK STRAIGHT TO YOU.
IN TWO HOURS MY DAD WILL PICK ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT
AND I'LL BE INTRODUCING MY WHOLE FAMILY
TO THE STEWARDESS I MEET ON THE PLANE.
GOD, I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
KIDS, THESE ARE FOR YOU.
DON'T OPEN THEM UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
OR AT LEAST UNTIL I GET OUT OF THE DOOR.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MARION.
I'LL MISS YOU.
THANKS, MARION.
AND, JACKIE, I DIDN'T FORGET YOU.
OH, MARION, WHAT IS THIS?
AN ENVELOPE TO PUT THE RENT CHECK IN.
THANKS. I DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING EITHER.
HAPPY KWANZA, AND HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY.
BYE, MARION. BYE, MARION.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] HAPPY HOLIDAY!
HELLO.
DADDY! HI!
YOU'RE STILL IN JAPAN?
WELL, YOU SAID YOU'D BE HERE CHRISTMAS MORNING.
HI, IT'S ME, SASCHA.
BUT, SPANKY, YOU PROMISED.
WHO'S GOING TO JINGLE MY BELLS IF YOU'RE NOT HERE?
O.K., HONEY, I'LL TELL EVERYBODY.
DADDY'S NOT COMING FOR CHRISTMAS, IS HE?
OF COURSE HE IS.
HE JUST WON'T GET HERE UNTIL THE DAY AFTER.
FIRST MARION'S GONE, AND NOW DAD.
THIS CHRISTMAS STINKS.
OH, I'LL GO TALK TO HIM. AUSTIN!
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT DO YOU HAVE JUMPER CABLES?
MY CAR WON'T START.
IN THAT OUTFIT, ALL YOU SHOULD HAVE TO DO
IS SIT ON THE HOOD.
PLEASE. IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.
ALL RIGHT, BUT LET'S HURRY.
I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH.
HEY, SANTA.
LOOKING KIND OF BUFF THERE.
DID YOU PULL THE SLEIGH YOURSELF?
GIVE ME YOUR WALLET AND YOUR KEYS.
YOU GOT IT WRONG. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK WHAT I WANT.
O.K., WANT TO PUT UP YOUR HANDS,
OR WOULD YOU LIKE SANTA TO GIVE YOU A LUMP OF LEAD.
[NANNA] OH, BUSTER, YOU TRIMMED YOUR TOENAILS.
IT MUST BE CHRISTMAS.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, BUT IT'S NOT BUSTER.
AAH! AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU WENT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.
I GOT ROBBED BY SANTA CLAUS AND MISSED MY FLIGHT.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
AND IT'S CHRISTMAS, TOO.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP?
WELL, LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS WAS MY BED.
ALTHOUGH IT DIDN'T SMELL LIKE BEN-GAY.
WELL, EXCUSE ME!
I'VE GOT BAD KNEES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT CRUMBS I FEEL IN MY BED?
WELL, I WAS HUNGRY.
FEEL AROUND AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND THE CHEESE BALLS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT? [DOORBELL RINGS]
GRANDPA BUSTER!
GRANDPA BUSTER?
OH, HA HA!
GRANDPA BUSTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME BY TO WISH MY EX-GRANDDAUGHTER-IN-LAW A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HERE'S A FRUITCAKE.
SPEAKING OF FRUITCAKES, WHERE'S MY WIFE?
ISN'T THAT SWEET? YOU'VE COME TO APOLOGIZE.
I DIDN'T COME TO APOLOGIZE.
I CAME BECAUSE SHE TOOK MY HEART MEDICINE.
THAT WOMAN'S GOT A MEAN STREAK.
COME ON, GIVE ME THIS BAG.
IF NEITHER OF US WILL GIVE UP THE BED,
I SUGGEST WE GO TO SLEEP.
DON'T HOG THE COVERS,
I HOPE YOU DON'T SNORE,
AND NO MONKEY BUSINESS!
NANNA, THIS IS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, NOT DELIRIOUS.
NANNA!
LOOK WHAT SANTA CLAUS BROUGHT YOU. HA HA.
NOW WHAT?
OHH!
HUH!
LOOKS LIKE SANTA'S ALREADY BEEN DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, BUSTER.
THIS IS JACKIE'S NANNY.
MARION, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
I SHOULD'VE SUSPECTED SOMETHING
WHEN SHE STARTED WEARING HER GIRDLE TO BINGO.
LOOK, AS LOVELY AND DESIRABLE AS NANNA IS,
SHE'S ALL YOURS--
FROM THE TOP OF HER WIG
TO THE TIP OF HER CORN CUSHIONS.
THAT'S IT, MR. SOLOFLEX BODY!
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU UP IN HERE!
GRANDPA, IT'S THE SEASON TO DECK THE HALLS, NOT EACH OTHER.
NANNA, YOU COME TO MY ROOM.
GRANDPA, YOU STAY UP HERE WITH MARION, O.K.?
JACKIE, THIS IS MY BED,
NOT THE MEDICARE OFFICE.
IT'S CHRISTMAS!
PLEASE, DON'T DO ME LIKE THIS.
I'M SORRY, MARION, BUT THE INN IS FULL.
THINK OF HIM AS ONE OF THE WISE MEN.
INSTEAD OF FRANKINCENSE, HE'S GOT GAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO BOTH OF YOU
ON THIS, THE MOST HOLIEST OF DAYS.
I'M OFF TO VEGAS TO GAMBLE AND DRINK TILL I PUKE.
YEAH, WE BETTER GET GOING
BEFORE JACKIE'S FAMILY WAKES UP
AND STARTS CARRYING ON LIKE IKE AND TINA IN A COFFEE SHOP.
YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS, JACKIE.
I'LL BRING YOU BACK A CELEBRITY HUBCAP
FROM THE PARKING LOT.
THEY MAKE GREAT DIP BOWLS.
[SIGH]
MARION...
YOU WON'T BE HERE FOR CHRISTMAS?
I PROMISED CLAYTON I'D DRIVE HIS LIMO.
BESIDES, YOU'LL WANT TO BE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
THAT'S NOT MY FAMILY.
SOMEHOW, WHEN I DIVORCED MILTON,
I GOT CUSTODY OF THEM.
DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THEM.
OH, POOR YOU, JACKIE, SHARING YOUR HOUSE
WITH PEOPLE WHO DRIVE YOU NUTS.
GEE, I WONDER WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.
I'M SORRY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MRS. KLAUSE.
WHERE WE HEADED?
THAT'S CLAUS.
YOU MEAN LIKE IN SANTA CLAUS?
WELL, OF COURSE LIKE IN SANTA CLAUS.
HOW MANY CLAUSES DO YOU KNOW?
YOU MUST GET KIDDED A LOT THIS TIME OF YEAR.
ABOUT WHAT?
YOU KNOW. THE NAME.
PEOPLE PROBABLY ASK YOU IF YOU'RE MRS. SANTA CLAUS.
I AM MRS. SANTA CLAUS.
O.K. WELL, I HOPE WE'RE NOT HEADED TO THE NORTH POLE.
I DON'T THINK I HAVE ENOUGH GAS.
OH, NO, I'M NOT GOING BACK UP THERE TILL AFTER NEW YEAR'S.
I'M TIRED OF SITTING HOME
WHILE HE AND HIS REINDEER GO TRAIPSING ROUND THE WORLD.
IF HE THINKS IT'S COLD UP THERE NOW,
WAIT'LL HE COMES HOME AND FINDS ME GONE.
LET THE DAMN ELVES GET THE SOOT OUT OF HIS SUIT.
EVERY YEAR, I SAY,
"LET ME SCOTCH-GUARD THE SUIT!"
BUT HE SAYS, "NO, IT'LL MAKE IT SCRATCHY."
SO I SAY, "YOU WANT SCRATCHY?
TRY KISSING YOURSELF WITH THAT BEARD."
TALK ABOUT A MOOD KILLER.
WHY AREN'T WE MOVING?
Y-YOU HAVEN'T SAID WHERE WE'RE HEADED.
MY GUESS IS SOMEWHERE PADDED.
JACKIE, I HAVE SOMETHING OVER HERE FOR YOU.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
I MADE IT MYSELF!
NANNA!
HA HA.
OHH!
OOH, IT'S, UM...
IT'S...
HEAVY.
HA HA HA!
LUCKY US, SHE STARTED TAKING POTTERY CLASSES.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE WHAT I GOT TO DRINK MY COFFEE OUT OF.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
THAT'S WHAT WE WERE FIGHTING ABOUT.
HE THINKS I GO TO POTTERY CLASS JUST TO MEET MEN.
YOU SURE AIN'T LEARNING HOW TO MAKE POTTERY.
I SAW THAT MOVIE GHOST.
I KNOW WHAT THEY DO IN THEM POTTERY CLASSES.
IT'S A LOT MORE INTERESTING
THAN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM
WITH THE NEWSPAPER.
MILTON DOES THE SAME THING.
I LIKE TO WAIT BY THE DOOR WITH A NICE HOT CUP OF COFFEE.
WHO IS SHE AGAIN?
DAD'S NEW WIFE.
OH, YEAH! I KEEP THINKING
SHE'S ONE OF TIFFANY'S FRIENDS.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SUGAR PLUM?
I SOAK MINE IN MOGEN DAVID.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM DANCE IN YOUR HEAD.
JUST GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO YOUR SON'S HOUSE.
I MADE UP THAT PART ABOUT THE SON.
WE DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.
WE WERE AFRAID THE ELVES WOULD BE JEALOUS.
THEY'RE VERY HIGH-STRUNG, YOU KNOW.
PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S DARK UP THERE
SIX MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.
I'M KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY, AREN'T I?
NOT REALLY.
A GUY DRESSED LIKE YOUR HUSBAND
JACKED ME AT THE READY TELLER.
I MISSED MY FLIGHT HOME.
OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I'LL FIND OUT WHO IT IS.
I'M CHECKING MY LIST.
I'M CHECKING IT TWICE.
THANKS, BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
RIGHT NOW, MY WHOLE FAMILY'S TOGETHER.
MOM'S PUTTING DINNER ON THE TABLE.
PAPA'S WATCHING THREE DIFFERENT GAMES
ON THREE DIFFERENT TELEVISIONS.
COUSIN LOUIE'S GOING THROUGH ALL THE COATS ON THE BED.
SO YOU'RE ALL ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WISH.
I RENTED MY PLACE TO A CRAZY FAMILY.
A DIVORCED LADY AND HER TWO KIDS.
OH, CHILDREN! WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
WELL, THERE'S AUSTIN.
HE'S COOL. WE'RE BUDDIES.
AND TIFFANY, SHE KEEPS ME ON MY TOES.
AND WHAT ABOUT THEIR MOTHER?
WE DON'T ALWAYS SEE EYE TO EYE.
BUT I RESPECT HER.
SHE'D NEVER ADMIT IT,
BUT I THINK SHE RESPECTS ME, TOO.
WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU HAVE TWO FAMILIES.
YEAH, I SUPPOSE.
I NEVER LOOKED AT IT LIKE THAT.
WELL, SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE.
WE'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND ALL DAY.
WANT TO STOP FOR A BITE TO EAT?
WANT SOME REINDEER JERKY?
NOT ALL OF THEM MAKE THE TEAM.
MOMMY, AUSTIN KEEPS TAKING THE BATTERIES OUT OF MY DISCMAN
AND PUTTING THEM IN HIS REMOTE-CONTROL CAR.
I GOT ONE TOY AND MORE SWEATERS THAN BILL COSBY.
I'M JUST A KID.
STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY, THEN.
SHUT UP!
EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
THIS IS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT.
DID ANYBODY KNOCK OVER THE TREE YET?
I WANT YOU TO MEET-- AND DON'T LAUGH...
MRS. CLAUS.
THIS IS THE FAMILY I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MRS. CLAUS.
MRS. CLAUS...
IT'S SO NICE TO MEET ALL OF YOU.
OH, YOU MUST BE AUSTIN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HERE. THIS IS FOR YOU.
BATTERIES.
THANKS.
ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO ANSWER THE PHONE?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
THAT WOMAN'S BEEN HANGING WITH DIONNE WARWICK.
HELLO?
DADDY, HI. WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, REALLY?
HE'S IN HAWAII. HE'S CATCHING THE NEXT FLIGHT OUT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SPANKY.
I CAN'T SAY THAT. THERE'S KIDS HERE.
CHILDREN, IT'S TIME TO SET THE TABLE.
I CAN'T SAY THAT EITHER. THERE'S OLD PEOPLE HERE.
I THINK I'LL TAKE THIS IN THE OTHER ROOM.
SO, BUSTER,
I THINK IT'S TIME TO MAKE YOUR MOVE.
UH...
BUSTER, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
I GUESS SHE MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
FOR ME?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OHH, A NEW MEDIC-ALERT BRACELET!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
MM-HMM.
AND YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO GIVE ME THIS?
AFTER 50 YEARS, CHRISTMAS WOULDN'T BE THE SAME
WITHOUT YOU RUNNING YOUR MOUTH
WHILE I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO.
IT'S IN THE OTHER ROOM...
UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
HOLD IT. BEFORE YOU START SOMETHING I CAN'T FINISH,
YOU DO HAVE MY HEART MEDICINE, DON'T YOU?
RIGHT IN MY POCKET.
AW, SOOKIE, SOOKIE, NOW!
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN ONE MEMORABLE CHRISTMAS.
I KNOW I'LL HAVE A HARD TIME FORGETTING IT,
ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO TO START MY JEEP
AND IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.
THAT IS A SHAME.
AND YOU WERE VERY GOOD THIS YEAR...
COMPARED TO THE YEAR YOU HUNG OUT WITH CHARLES BARKLEY.
I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO.
MARION, SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE YOU.
OFFICER DAVIS.
I GOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.
WE RECOVERED YOUR VEHICLE WITH EVERYTHING INTACT,
EXCEPT YOUR STEREO AND YOUR AIR BAGS.
I'VE GOT IT OUT FRONT.
YOU BROUGHT IT TO ME?
WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
JACKIE,
DID SANTA BRING YOU WHAT YOU WANTED THIS CHRISTMAS?
UH, WELL, UH,
SASCHA GAVE ME A NEW PLAQUE REMOVAL KIT,
AND THE KIDS GAVE ME A NEW ICE CREAM SCOOP.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANTED?
IT'D BE NICE TO HAVE A DATE FOR NEW YEAR'S.
THEN I'D START THE YEAR WITH SOME HOPE OF HAVING A LIFE.
WELL, KEEP HOPE ALIVE.
[GASPS]
CAN I HELP YOU?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
ARE YOU FREE NEW YEAR'S EVE?
HUH?
NOD YOUR HEAD, DEAR.
¶ SILENT NIGHT
¶ OH OH OH
¶ HOLY NIGHT
¶ OH OH OH
¶ ALL IS CALM
¶ ALL IS BRIGHT
¶ 'ROUND
¶ YON ***
¶ OH, MOTHER AND CHILD
¶ HOLY INFANT SO
¶ TENDER AND MILD
¶ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
¶ SLEEP
¶ SLEEP IN
¶ IN HEAVEN
¶ HEAVEN
¶ HEAVENLY PEACE
WHERE'S MRS. CLAUS?
SHE WAS JUST IN HERE.
¶ OOH OOH OOH
¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH...
[BELLS JINGLING]
[MRS. CLAUS] JUST LOOK AT THAT SUIT!
[SANTA] HO HO HO!
[GALLOPING HOOVES]
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
ME EITHER.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY, NBC PRODUCTIONS,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH