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TO THE RACE TRACK AND A
PICKPOCKET. A GUY, A
PICKPOCKET. I FEEL HIS HAND
GOING INTO MY POCKET.
(AUDIENCE
LAUGHTER)
[RED]>>I REACHED
THROUGH AND SHOOK HANDS WITH
HIM.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER &
APPLAUSE)
[RED]>>TRUE STORY.
TRUE STORY.
[DINI]>>WE ONLY HAVE
A COUPLE OF MINUTES LEFT. WE
HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS.
[WOMAN]>>IS IT TRUE THAT YOU
DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE
TELEPHONE AND THAT YOU HAVE A
FEAR OF FIRES?
[RED]>>YEAH NOW I
DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE
TELEPHONE. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. A
MAN SAW ME IN A THEATRE AND HE
SAYS COME INTO TE OFFICE, I
THINK I CAN BOOK YOU. SO THE
PHONE RANG. AND HE SAID OH HELLO
CHARLIE. I'LL GET RID OF THIS
BUM IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES. HOW
YA DOIN' CHARLIE? HOW'S YOUR
WIFE? WHAT A *** SHE IS YOU
KNOW.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
[RED]>>SO I THOUGHT IF HE TALKS
LIKE THAT AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE
HIS FRIEND WHAT IS HE GOING TO
SAY ABOUT ME WHEN HE'S GONE SO
I'VE NEVER TALKED ON THE PHONE
SINCE. SO NOW I'VE WORKED OUT
THE HABIT OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME
NEVER SAY CAN I TALK TO RED
CAUSE THEY KNOW I WON'T ANSWER
THE PHONE, YOU KNOW. YEAH.■■
[DINI]>>DO YOU HAVE A FEAR OF
FIRE?
[RED]>>FEAR OF FIRE?
[DINI]>>YEAH.
[RED]>>WELL WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE BOY AFTER MY FATHER
DIED. HE DIED BEFORE I WAS
BORN. HE DIED IN MAY. I WAS BORN
IN JULY. HE COULDN'T FACE IT,
SEE. (LAUGHS) BUT THEN HIS HALF
BROTHER BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE
AND THE STORE WHICH WAS
CONNECTED TOGETHER THAT MY
MOTHER HAD WILLED TO HER. AND
HE BURNED DOWN THE STORE AND I
WAS ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD AND I
REMEMBER EVEN TO THIS DAY
TAKING ME THROUGH THE FIRE. I
CAN CLOSE MY EYES AND SEE IT
YOU KNOW. AND ANOTHER THING TOO
I CAN'T GET IN A TUB OF WATER.
OR I CAN'T GET INTO A SWIMMING
POOL.
[DINI]>>WHY?
[RED]>>BECAUSE WHEN I WAS
LITTLE THEY TRIED TO DROWN ME IN
A GRAVEL PIT. THEY THREW ME IN
THIS THING AND I COULD SEE THAT
MUCKY WATER AND STUFF AND I WAS
COLD YOU KNOW.
[DINI]>>WHO
TRIED TO DROWN YOU?
[RED]>>THE
KIDS I WAS PLAYING WITH. MY
BROTHERS AND ALL OF THEM, THEY
WERE THROWING ME IN THERE. THEY
WERE PLAYING RELIGION, SEE.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
[RED]>>YEAH
IT STARTED OFF. THEY'D DUNK ME
DOWN AND PULL ME UP AND SAY DO
YOU BELIEVE? AND BEFORE I COULD
SAY ANYTHING THEY'D DUNK ME
DOWN AGAIN, SEE. DO YOU BELIEVE
NOW? I SAYS... (GLUG GLUG) DOWN
I WENT AGAIN, SEE. DO YOU
BELIEVE? I SAYS YEAH I BELIEVE
YOU'RE TRYING TO DROWN ME.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
[RED]>>AND
HE THREW ME DOWN AND WALKED
AWAY AND I STAYED AT THE BOTTOM
AND FINALLY MY OTHER BROTHER
JUMPED IN AND RESCUED ME,
BROUGHT ME UP. SO TO THIS DAY
WHENEVER I GET... I CARRY A
MEDAL WITH ME. I'LL SHOW IT TO
YOU LATER. I USUALLY WEAR IT
AROUND MY NECK ESPECIALLY WHEN
I'M ON THE PLANE OR ANYTHING IN
CASE I FAINT, DO NOT THROW COLD
WATER ON ME CAUSE I GO OUT
FURTHER AND FURTHER AND
FURTHER. I'VE BEEN GIVEN UP 3
TIMES FOR DEAD YOU KNOW.
[DINI]>>REALLY, THREE TIMES?
[RED]>>YEAH THREE TIMES THEY
SAID THIS GUY'S DEAD. I'D SAY
NO I'M NOT. BUT THEY COULDN'T
HEAR ME.
[DINI]>>(LAUGHS) YEAH.
[RED]>>CAUSE I'D KEEP GOING OUT
FURTHER AND FURTHER AND FURTHER
WHEN THAT COLD WATER HITS ME.
I'M A WEIRDO.
[DINI]>>WE'VE COME
TO THE END. WE'VE ONLY ABOUT A
MINUTE LEFT, THIRTY SECONDS
LEFT. I JUST WANTED TO THANK
YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISE
AND TELL YOU THAT... I TOLD
YOU, I COULD RETIRE NOW. YOU'RE
ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE
I'VE EVER MET.
[RED]>>NO.
[DINI]>>THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF
THE BEST SHOWS I'VE EVER DONE
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE
YOU. I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
[RED]>>THANK YOU SWEETHEART.
THANK YOU. YOU'RE VERY DEAR.
THANK YOU.
[DINI]>>LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, MR RED SKELTON.
BRAVO. BRAVO.