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Hello, and welcome to Totally Biased Mixtape.
I am Guy Branum, your host for a delightful adventure
through the world of extended cable
late-night politically aware comedy.
It's mostly just jokes about racism and poop,
but you'll have fun.
There's a lot going on today.
Let's start with day two of the shutdown,
which apparently is affecting even the ***.
Oh, I feel so bad for 'em!
See, a *** rally
at the Gettysburg National Military Park
was canceled due to the government shutdown.
A sad day for racists everywhere.
Yeah, they're flying their Confederate flags at half-mast.
Mmm.
Can we all just be done with the ***?
At this point, it's just a bunch of grown men
in lame Halloween costumes.
You know what I mean? It's like cracker Comic-Con.
You know what I'm saying?
(applause)
So, Republicans, stop trying to bully us with the idea
of a government shutdown.
This is all just your attempt
to grandstand against Obamacare.
But guess what. You voted against Obamacare
over 40 times, and you lost each and every time.
Exa... You know what I'm saying?
That is the worst
losing streak since shirts versus Matthew McConaughey.
So, most people are blaming the shutdown on John Boehner
and all the *** Republicans.
But as it turns out, it's really only the fault
of some *** Republicans.
MAN: By most accounts, House Speaker John Boehner
didn't want it to get this far.
But according to a recent report,
a small core of Republican representatives
were the catalyst for the current showdown,
and forced Boehner's hand.
Look, I don't want to know
what they did with his hand, all right?
But, yes, it all turns out
that all of this is the fault of 80 congressmen.
And they only represent 18% of the American population,
people who live in rural areas,
who are less likely to have college degrees.
Look, I don't want to insult these people,
but let's just say that if America was the Jackson 5,
these congress members would represent Tito, all right?
That's all I'm trying to say.
Look, and not even all of Tito.
Just most of Tito, you know what I'm saying?
(audience groaning)
Look, I'm not saying Tito's not great--
don't turn on me, black people-- but nobody
back in the day would be happy with a Jackson 5 concert
that was just Tito.
Nobody wants to see...
♪ C ♪
♪ Three ♪
♪ Me. ♪
You didn't even want to see that now, all right?
After a day of computer glitches and crashes...
It was nothing but glitches, especially in the early hours...
Obamacare plagued by computer glitches and delays...
Look, Fox News,
the reason why the site had so many glitches
is because it's extremely popular.
It got 4.7 million unique visitors...
(laughter)
That is distractingly funny. I have to admit, that's...
Let's all soak that in. Let's, uh...
But, yeah, the site got 4.7 million unique visitors
in the first day alone.
This will be the most Internet traffic a site gets
until cats learn how to send *** pics, all right?
And did you guys see Chris Brown's
on the cover of Jet magazine?
In the interview, Chris Brown decided to see
if he could start some beef with Jay Z.
He said-- and I quote--
"No disrespect, because I'm a fan,
"but nobody brings up the fact that he stabbed somebody
and sold drugs. He gets a pass."
Yeah, sure, Chris, nobody brings up the fact
that Jay Z comes from a criminal past.
Nobody but Jay Z.
And, hey, Chris, while you're on the cover of Jet,
Jay Z is on the cover of Vanity Fair.
And just to be clear, Chris Brown, here's a direct quote
from Jay Z's Vanity Fair interview,
"I was a drug dealer."
And here's what Jay Z had to say about Chris Brown,
nothing!
Because he's too busy not giving a ***!
I think I pulled something on that last one. Uh...
And, by the way, for those of you
who don't know what Vanity Fair is,
it's a much better magazine than Jet.
I'm sorry, black people. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
There goes my Jet cover.
But not my Vanity Fair cover.
Earlier this year, Arpaio and his police force stood trial
for racially profiling Latinos.
But finally it looks like somebody's
gonna be profiling Sheriff Joe.
REPORTER: Someone will soon be watching nearly every move
Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio makes.
(applause)
Yes.
You know,
usually in this situation, I thank Black Jesus,
but here in this case... Gracias, Latino Jesús!
Yes.
This sounds pretty good, but I'm curious.
Who's gonna be watching Sheriff Joe?
A federal judge ordering an independent monitor.
Independent monitor? Please let it be Machete.
Please let it be Machete.
Please.
Dumb psychologists at the University of Toronto
did some dumb experiment,
and they claim that babies raised by people
of their own race couldn't understand
the facial expressions of people of other races,
and they said that led to the babies being racist.
Here to help babies learn what black people look like
is the blackest black guy on our staff, Dwayne Kennedy.
Give it up for Dwayne Kennedy, everybody.
(cheering and applause)
You ready, Dwayne?
I brought a face.
All right, so non-black parents at home,
point your baby at the screen and let the healing begin.
All right, Dwayne, show us happiness.
Why?
All right, I guess we're starting
with uncooperative then.
There we go. That's right.
Uncooperative? Who the hell you think you talking to?
This is you manipulating me into doing
whatever the hell you want me to do...
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, Dwayne, wait, Dwayne.
You want some pizza?
Pizza?
Easily distracted, everybody!
What? Easily...
What?! You-you better really have a *** pizza out there
All right,
cut his sound, cut his sound.
There's rage.
Outrage.
And murderous rage, all right.
All you babies watching at home,
just feel lucky that Obamacare covers therapy.
Recently, the online dating site OkCupid
introduced a new premium feature that allows users to filter out
"less attractive people."
Now, over the last couple years,
I've been doing a lot of dating.
Or, as I like to call it, "buying *** for strangers."
And in that time, not only did I use OkCupid's services,
but I was also a victim of the discriminatory
anti-fugly policies.
If your profile gets a lot of views
and other users respond often to your messages,
the site deems you hot and you get an e-mail telling you so.
As if a mirror and a lifetime of free drinks wasn't enough.
Now, if the algorithm determines that you're not so hot--
which is what happened to me--
you don't get an e-mail.
But the site lets you know exactly what it thinks of you
by matching you up with people who are more and more busted.
Now, I'll admit, I'm somewhat to blame for this.
I did make some poor choices when I designed my profile.
Maybe I could've used another photo
instead of the selfie of me sitting on the edge of the sink
to make my *** look bigger.
(laughter)
And yeah, maybe I could have picked a better user name
than UpInYourGutz3000.
What? Hey, at least I spelled it with a "Z," you know.
I didn't have much of a choice-- someone had already taken
ClitoriSaurusRex.
(laughter)
(applause)
I'm also guilty, by my own admission,
of sending messages to several women
who were clearly out of my league.
I want to be judged not by the bustedness of my face,
but by the content of my personal messages.
At least give me a chance to woo these girls, OkCupid?
'Cause you never know when some hot, six-foot model
might have a fetish for short, balding, nearsighted guys
with tiny yet masculine hands.
(laughter)
And if any of those models are watching,
'sup?
BELL: Louis Katz, everybody! Louis Katz!
(cheering, whooping)
Louis Katz!
Mmm.
Mmm, that's some good coffee,
and this is the Totally Biased Mixtape.
This week we featured correspondent Kevin Kataoka
and his take on the lack of Asian leading men in the media.
I'd like to get some more Asian men on this media.
You know what I mean.
I mean my ***.
You know, if there were a Hollywood movie
about how annoyed I am right now,
it would be called This Asian Is Annoyed Right Now.
And it would star Philip Seymour Hoffman as me.
(laughter)
Why do we keep having movies about Asian topics
starring people who aren't Asian?
Now, I know what you're saying.
"Kevin, what about martial arts films?"
Yeah, it's great to see Asian stars kicking ***,
but that can't be the only genre.
That would be like all movies starring white people
were just movies about farmers markets.
(laughter)
(laughs)
Nobody wants to see Jason Statham
in The Transporter of Produce.
(laughter)
Just like nobody would want to make a TV show
with Bruce Lee as the co-star.
Oh, wait. That happened.
That's right. The Green Hornet co-starred Bruce Lee
and starred... that guy.
His name is Van Williams.
Van Williams is so forgettable, before I finish this sentence,
I have to remind you, his name is Van Williams.
There are Hollywood movies about samurai, Chinese sorcery,
Bangkok criminals, internment camps,
and even a giant monster that attacks Tokyo--
all starring white guys.
Even the biggest movie ever made about ninjas
didn't star Asians.
It starred turtles!
(laughter)
Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo,
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Italian Turtles.
(laughter)
But the most ridiculous example I've heard
is the proposed remake of the Japanese anime classic Akira.
Yeah, the plan is to change the setting from Neo-Tokyo
to New Manhattan,
and then make it a live action movie
without starring live-action Japanese.
Hey, while you're at it,
change the title of the movie from Akira to Randy.
(laughter)
I mean, when is this gonna end?
At this point, they might as well make a movie
about Hiroshima starring Denver.
(laughter)
Correspondent Louis Katz decided
to ask the people of New York, if they had the option
of banning anyone in the world, who would it be.
Personally, I would ban Louis Katz.
Miley Cyrus.
Miley Cyrus. Team Twerk, Team Ratchet.
It has to stop. It has to go.
Are you against all twerking or just flat-*** twerking?
If you're gonna twerk, bring *** to it.
The new Miley Cyrus.
I like who she used to be.
She used to be 12.
Oh, yeah. (laughing)
We can ban Kanye.
I don't like anything about him.
Really?
I don't even want him to be black.
Would it make you feel better if Kanye was white?
It would.
'Cause then he wouldn't be shaming my race.
We will ban him and also make him white,
so that he is no longer a shame to the black race.
Uh... the talking part.
Yes.
get a gag, and then you're good to go, right?
No, not a gag. It's just the fact
that we're in the bedroom, I think we're supposed
to go straight to it.
Generally, we're saying you want
to ban romance altogether.
Yeah. I don't like the romance
unless I'm dealing with somebody I'm dealing with.
No dinner.
No flowers.
Yes, eye contact.
Of course, of course.
I don't know, I'm just saying, depends if...
Do not lick or touch my nipples.
That is it.
You cannot do that.
It feels...
No.
It's slithery and it's sloppy. I don't like it.
Girls shouldn't breast-feed on the bus. Obviously, no.
I mean, how would you like to sit
next to someone breast-feeding?
So, you're... concerned
about people exposing their *** in public?
Yeah. I'm not breastfeeding.
***. Ah-ha.
I do wonder how the government shutdown has affected you.
White-on-white crime.
This is awesome.
It's gonna continue to proliferate.
This *** is fun.
It's great to see the move
back to the Jimi Hendrix look.
With microwaves beaming at you.
That was a crazy summer.
I actually did Aristophanes...
Now tell me why.
He always has a twinkle
in his eye of causing trouble.
It was just a bunch of dudes in a limo.
Yes.
They shaved my head, and it never came back.
These are mentally ill people.
***!
Control this.
This isn't going on TV, is it?
It has no point. We have no angle.
That's what it is. That's what it is.
Hey. Yeah, it's still the fat gay guy.
This past week, Kamau sat down
with former governor Jesse Ventura,
comedian Hannibal Buress,
and moderated a debate about gun control.
Kamau is recovering from his wounds,
and we hope he'll be out of the hospital shortly.
Well, I do wonder about the Second Amendment,
'cause I feel like, you know,
obviously, I'm biased on one side of this debate,
but I feel like, why are we still letting
old, dead slave owners tell us what to do?
ATON EDWARDS: Well, you know, but the...
They couldn't have pictured the future we have of guns.
Like, they couldn't have pictured the Internet
and us talking, you know what I mean?
But you know what? I'll tell you something.
That's true. They wouldn't have pictured us talking.
They certainly wouldn't have
pictured the three of us sitting here like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But at the same time...
Certainly not getting paid to be here.
There you go. Exactly.
The poet laureate Ice Cube once said,
"And so what if they ban the AK?
My, you know, stuff wasn't registered any ... way."
At the end of the day,
people that are gonna get guns are gonna get guns.
EDWARD: That's a... I think that's
a Republican argument that's basically used
to promote a nihilistic view that there's nothing we can do.
No, not Republican, not Republican.
Well, at least try to do something.
Yeah.
But at the same time...
It's a metanarrative that even you've bought into.
You're repeating the same garbage
that they're selling to the American people.
BELL: No, I have to admit.
I think he, uh...
I think he won with the word "metanarrative," quite frankly.
A *** saying
Narratives...
...always wins an argument. I feel like...
You know what fellas?
This is the kind of conversations
that have to happen.
Three black men talking about guns on television.
Yeah.
And nobody was shot.
I love my country.
If I were to run for president,
here's what I would run on, and it would be this simple.
Okay.
I would give the people of America the opportunity
to vote for their first president
who belongs to no political party since George Washington.
(applause)
He is the only president
of the United States that belonged to no political party.
I feel like
Well...
Believe it or not, if I run,
I want Howard Stern as my running mate.
(applause and cheering)
Now, tell me why.
There's always a method to my madness.
Well, first of all,
he always has a twinkle in his eye of causing trouble.
Yes.
And believe me, if he and I run,
we will cause mountains of trouble.
All right, all right.
Mountains of it.
And, as they say, the only thing to fear
Yes.
Well, the only thing I would fear is that we'd win.
No.
But I do wonder
how the government shutdown has affected you.
Well, like, the FCC-- is that shut down, too?
Yes, they...
That mean I could just curse
on the show?
I mean, they're closed. I guess so, yeah.
All right. *** and...
*** muncher. ***.
***!
***!
Sh...
I thought that'd be more fun.
It's not fun to break the rules
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you can upset somebody, so you can do it
and then look in their faces afterwards.
"Yeah, I did it."
And that was when you were in the Oddball Comedy Tour.
Yeah, we were just...
It was just a bunch of dudes in a limo
with no drinks, but...
When you eight dudes in a limo with no drinks,
no girls, you just start rapping.
That's how rap was invented in the early eighties.
A limo in the Bronx.
Yeah.
It was, like, "What do we do in this limo?"
We just a hip, hop.
(laughter)
It was a crazy tour.
It was, like, these...
the biggest venues I've ever done in my career.
Which is, like, have, like, 15,000 seats,
18,000 seats and 20,000 seats.
So, it was these big venues.
And so, it made... my comedy style change.
And so, I was doing these big venues.
Now I come back to the comedy clubs,
and people are, like, "Why is he yelling?
"He's yelling so much.
He's gesturing a lot."
Why were you yelling so much?
I was just yelling. I felt the need to yell
at those shows even though there was a microphone
and a great sound system.
(applause)
This week, Totally Biased correspondent
and Source Award winner, Aparna Nancherla,
gave her review of Michelle Obama's new rap album.
I disagree with almost everything she says.
Okay, so I listened to Michelle Obama's rap album,
and I am little bit confused.
Where are the drugs
and guns and butts?
That's what I listen to rap for.
I mean, this was the hardest clip I could find
from the music video of everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Doug E. Fresh,
and I want to know how many of y'all feel healthy!
Who cares about being healthy?
Whatever happened to Notorious B.I.G.
having a T-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch's grape?
Yeah. It sounds gross together,
but that's what's so gangster about it!
Or when Eminem said, "I'd rather be a (bleep)-whipped ***,
"eat (bleep) and have (bleep) lips glued to my face
with a (bleep) ring in my nose."
(light whooping, applause)
Isn't that what music is about?
Then one of my boys told me this album is for children.
And I thought, "Oh...
snap."
Sure, kids could use some nutritional advice from hip-hop.
Maybe if Lil Wayne had gotten a "lil" more calcium as a kid
by now he'd be Big Wayne.
(applause)
I mean, that is the kind of information I could have used!
I am three feet tall!
I am standing on a box right now!
I sleep on a Fig Newton!
And, hey, maybe there have been some subtle health tips
in hip-hop all along.
Like, maybe the Roc-A-Fella sign
is actually just the food pyramid.
Sugars and fats at the top, son!
We also featured correspondent Frank Conniff
and his frustration with those damn kids.
Seriously, you guys, just get off his lawn!
What is it with the kids these days
with the crazy music and the hula hoops?
With the twerking and the Miley and the Kesha?
And the Rihanna and the Kanye?
And the rappers and the beatboxers and the hip-hop?
And the doo-*** and the hoo-ha?
And the what-the and the doodads?
And the downloads?
And-and the crazy cuisine with the quinoa?
And the organic whatnots?
And the gluten-free whose-its?
And the lactose incontinent?
And the Greek yogurt with the pooping?
And the cake pops and the Crock-Pots?
And the dairy-free Milk Duds?
And the crazy clothes with the buckle...
flat-buckle Botox?
And the Jimmy Choos with the Underoos?
And what about the Google spectacles
with the fakakta texting and the ePhone?
And the IMail?
And the A-E-I-O YouTube?
And the... and the broadband with the mobile app things
with the clouds and the... and the skyboxes
with the titanium?
And the... and them Mumblecore movies?
With the robots and the zombies
and the zombies' butlers?
And the binge watching with the TiVo and the Netflix?
And with the Game of ***?
And the Breaking Thrones?
And the... I don't what the...
Aah!
(applause and cheering)
Frank Conniff, everybody! Frank Conniff!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org