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( music playing )
MY NAME IS WARWICK DAVIS.
I'M THE U.K.'S "GO TO" DWARF.
I'M AN ACTOR.
YOU WILL HAVE SEEN ME IN THE HARRY POTTER FILMS,
"HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY,"
"RETURN OF THE JEDI." YUB YUB.
( laughs ) THAT'S WICKET THE EWOK THERE.
THAT WAS MY FIRST-EVER CHARACTER.
I'M STILL VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH GEORGE LUCAS,
WHO CREATED THE STAR WARS FILMS.
ALTHOUGH, IF I'VE GOT ONE CRITICISM OF GEORGE,
IT'S THAT HE MISSED A TRICK.
WHY DID HE DISGUISE MY FACE?
IF YOU'RE PAYING GOOD MONEY FOR THE ACTOR WARWICK DAVIS,
THEN LET THE PEOPLE SEE THE ACTOR WARWICK DAVIS.
GEORGE REALIZED THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS
BECAUSE HE THEN WENT ON TO CAST ME IN "WILLOW" THERE.
THAT FILM COST, I THINK IT WAS $40 MILLION
AND HAS MADE A LOT OF THAT BACK SINCE.
( phone rings )
HELLO. DWARVES FOR HIRE, WARWICK DAVIS SPEAKING.
Warwick: I AM NOT ONLY AN ACTOR.
YEAH, I'LL JUST GET A BOOKING FORM.
I'M ALSO AN AGENT, AND I REPRESENT OTHER DWARVES.
I'VE HAD HUGE SUCCESS,
AND THIS IS MY CHANCE TO PAY THAT FORWARD
AND HELP THEM GET WORK.
THE DIRECTOR'S FURIOUS. HE WANTS TO FIRE YOU.
- IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I DON'T KNOW THE SONG. - YOU'RE A DWARF.
- HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW "HEIGH HO, HEIGH HO"? - AND SOMETHING ABOUT WHISTLING.
- YOU DON'T KNOW "WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK"? - I'VE NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE.
- HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? - I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S ONE OF MY CLIENTS THERE.
SO, IF YOU NEED ANYBODY, I'VE GOT ALL SORTS.
GOT THAT SORT OF LOOK.
THAT ONE, ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT.
ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT-- YOU KNOW, WITH A HAT ON.
SOME WITH LONG HAIR-- ALL SORTS OF DIFFERENT ONES.
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL ABOUT THAT HIGH,
BUT THEY'VE SORT OF GOT DIFFERENT-- FAT, THIN.
YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT I CAN PROVIDE.
( alarm chirps )
Warwick: WHY AM I DOING THIS DOCUMENTARY?
BECAUSE NORMALLY YOU SEE A DWARF ON TV
AND HE'S DANCING AROUND, HE'S MAKING A FOOL OF HIMSELF.
I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE A SOPHISTICATED DWARF ABOUT TOWN
WHO CARRIES HIMSELF WITH DIGNITY.
I'M A ROLE MODEL.
I'M A BIT LIKE MARTIN LUTHER KING.
BECAUSE I, TOO, HAVE A DREAM
THAT ONE DAY DWARVES WILL BE TREATED EQUALLY
AND THEY WILL WALK PROUD,
HAND IN HAND WITH THE REST OF MANKIND.
YOU'RE SAYING, "OH, NO, WARWICK, IT'S NOT THE SAME."
THE DWARF WASN'T TAKEN FORCIBLY FROM HIS HOMELAND
AND ENSLAVED AND WHIPPED AND FORCED TO CHANGE HIS NAME.
NO, MAYBE NOT.
BUT THEN I'VE NEVER SEEN A BLACK MAN FIRED FROM A CANNON.
EVERY DAY FOR A WHOLE SEASON AND TWICE ON SATURDAYS.
THERE WE GO. COME IN.
THE OLD HOMESTEAD.
DON'T WORRY, THEY'RE NOT MINE.
WHO'S THIS HANDSOME DEVIL?
THAT'S A NICE SUIT THERE.
THAT'S ME AND MY WIFE SUE ON OUR WEDDING DAY.
SUE'S LOOKING LOVELY THERE.
THE DRESS SHE'S WEARING ACTUALLY BELONGED TO HER MOTHER.
HER MOTHER HAD SADLY PASSED OVER,
SO IT WAS OUR WAY OF HAVING HER
AT THE WEDDING, WHICH WAS NICE.
SUE HAD TO LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT TO GET IT ON.
NOT AS MUCH AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED, BUT...
ENOUGH TO SQUEEZE INTO HER DEAD MOM'S DRESS.
THIS IS MY KITCHEN. COOKER, SINK, USUAL.
I WAS GONNA GET ALL THIS LOWERED,
BUT SUE ENJOYS DOING THE COOKING,
SO I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE IT.
- GOOD. - ( clacks )
HERE WE ARE, LOOK. THIS IS CHEWBACCA.
HEY, CHEWY. GOOD BOY.
A BIT CAMERA-SHY.
OH, HERE SHE IS-- SUE DAVIS, MRS. SUE DAVIS.
THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN.
- HIYA. - HELLO.
- YOU ALL RIGHT? - I'M FINE, THANK YOU.
- NICE TO SEE YOU. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, WARWICK?
I JUST POPPED ROUND TO SAY HI, REALLY.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MOVED OUT. WE'RE SEPARATED.
- NOT REALLY. TEMPORARILY. - OH, WE ARE.
YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING THAT ROUND, WARWICK.
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WALKED OUT.
- NO, NOT REALLY. NOT REALLY. - YOU DID.
I DIDN'T WALK OUT. NO, I WAS BACK AND FORTH TO HOLLYWOOD SO MUCH.
IT JUST WASN'T FAIR ON YOU, WAS IT?
YOU WEREN'T BACK AND FORTH TO HOLLYWOOD.
NO, YOU WEREN'T, WARWICK. THE PHONE HASN'T RUNG FOR YEARS.
YEAH, BUT IF IT HAD STARTED RINGING,
IF GEORGE LUCAS HAD CALLED UP
AND SAID WE'RE DOING ANOTHER STAR WARS,
THEN I'D HAVE TO BE READY TO GO ON A PLANE.
( whooshes ) ♪ HOLLYWOOD, HERE I COME. ♪
IF THAT HAD HAVE HAPPENED, I COULD HAVE COME WITH YOU.
NO, NOT REALLY, 'CAUSE GEORGE LUCAS, HE'S NOT STUPID.
HE DOESN'T THROW HIS MONEY AROUND.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TWO TICKETS FOR?
YOU'RE ONLY 3'6".
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE THOUGHT--
OH, HERE WE GO. WHAT DID I THINK? MYSTIC MEG HERE.
WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS, HE THOUGHT HE COULD DO BETTER THAN ME.
HE THOUGHT HE COULD TRADE ME IN
FOR A MAYBE MORE TALLER, MORE BEAUTIFUL MODEL.
BUT HE COULDN'T. SO NOW HE'S BACK.
- I DIDN'T WANT TO. - NO, YOU COULDN'T.
I COULD. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO 'CAUSE I'M FAITHFUL.
NOW HE'S BACK WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS, BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
- NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. - IT'S OVER, YOU KNOW? I MOVED ON.
YOU HAVEN'T BLOODY MOVED ON, HAVE YOU?
YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOUSE THAT I OWN,
SO I MIGHT AS WELL MOVE BACK IN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO?
YOU NEED TO GET YOUR STUFF AND MOVE OUT--
THAT'S THE THING-- BECAUSE WE'RE SEPARATED.
WE ARE GETTING DIVORCED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PART OF THAT YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.
- SHOWING OFF. - SO...
Warwick: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
"WARWICK, WHY DID YOU MARRY BENEATH YOURSELF?"
WHY WOULD A FILM STAR MARRY HER WHEN HE COULD HAVE HAD THE LEGGY BLONDES
OR THE PAGE 3 GIRLS? I DIDN'T WANT TO.
IF I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET
WITH A STUNNER ON MY ARM AND EVERYONE'S GOING,
"OH, YEAH, HE'S GOT THE SEXY BIRD 'CAUSE HE'S A FILM STAR," RIGHT?
SO I WENT FOR A CHICK WHO HASN'T GOT IT ALL OUT ON SHOW.
YEAH, SHE'S NOT GONNA BE IN F.H.M. MAGAZINE.
SHE'S NOT GONNA WIN ANY REAR OF THE YEAR AWARDS
OR TURN HEADS AT AN AWARDS DO OR A SHOWBIZ PARTY
OR IN THE SUPERMARKET, BUT SHE'S RELIABLE.
SHE'S NOT GONNA BE RUNNING OFF TO THE PAPERS,
"OH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WARWICK LIKES SEXUALLY? HE LIKES..."
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WARWICK LIKES SEXUALLY,
BUT-- AND WHATEVER IT IS,
SHE'S NOT GONNA WRITE ABOUT IT IN HER MEMOIRS.
NOT THAT ANYONE WOULD ASK HER FOR HER MEMOIRS,
'CAUSE SHE'S A NOBODY, AS I SAID BEFORE.
( straining )
I CAN'T REACH.
OH, EXCUSE ME. SORRY, SIR. EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU JUST PRESS THAT TOP BUZZER FOR ME, PLEASE?
IT'S THE TOP ONE THERE.
- YEAH. THANKS. - ( buzzer rings )
- Man: Hello? - IT'S WARWICK.
- Hello? - IT'S WARWICK.
There's no one there.
CAN'T HEAR ME.
EXCUSE ME. HI.
COULD YOU JUST SAY INTO THAT INTERCOM IT'S WARWICK DAVIS?
- WHY? - BECAUSE IT IS.
- NO, IT'S NOT. - NO, YOU'RE NOT, I AM.
THEN WHY AM I SAYING IT?
'CAUSE WHEN THEY ANSWER, THEY CAN'T HEAR ME.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHOUT IT?
CAN'T STAND HERE IN THE STREET
AND START SHOUTING, "IT'S WARWICK DAVIS."
- WHY NOT? - I'M A FAMOUS ACTOR.
- I'VE BEEN IN FILMS. - I NEVER HEARD OF YOU.
- HAVEN'T YOU? - NO.
IF I HEARD SOMEONE SHOUTING, "IT'S WARWICK DAVIS,"
I'D GO LIKE, "WHO'S WARWICK DAVIS?"
- I AM. - YEAH, I KNOW THAT NOW.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT. LET ME TELL YOU THIS--
IF I START SHOUTING, "IT'S WARWICK DAVIS,"
- IT'LL CAUSE QUITE A STIR, OKAY? - OH, MY GOD.
THERE'LL BE PEOPLE WANTING AUTOGRAPHS--
BRUV, I'M GONNA DO A REAL, REAL TALK.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU, YEAH? NO ONE KNOWS YOU.
IF YOU WERE TO SAY LIKE, YOUR NAME WAS LIKE, VERNE TROYER,
I'D GO LIKE, BOOM! MINI-ME, "AUSTIN POWERS," SEX TAPE.
THAT GUY'S BIG IN THE GAME, YOU KNOW?
- OH, YEAH. - YOU'VE DONE NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU, BRUV. WHAT FILMS YOU BEEN IN?
- HAVE YOU SEEN "RETURN OF THE JEDI?" - WHO WAS YOU IN THAT?
- I WAS AN EWOK. - THOSE LITTLE BEARS?
- THEY'RE NOT LITTLE BEARS. - BRUV, THEY'RE LITTLE BEARS.
- HAVE YOU SEEN "WILLOW"? - NO.
LOOK, JUST PRESS THE BUZZER, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
- THE TOP ONE THERE. - ( buzzer rings )
- Man: Hello? - YEAH. WARREN DAVIS.
- WARWICK DAVIS. - WARWICK DAVIS.
- OH. OKAY, COME UP. - IS THAT RICKY GERVAIS?
- ( door buzzes ) - OH, YOU RECOGNIZE HIM.
THE GUY'S GOT ISSUES. YOU'RE WELCOME, BRUV.
CHIEF.
HERE WE ARE. LOOK AT THAT.
COMEDY LEGENDS THERE--
RICKY GERVAIS, STEPHEN MERCHANT.
WE'RE ALL MATES, AREN'T WE?
ALWAYS POPPIN' ROUND FOR A CHAT.
YOU ARE ALWAYS POPPIN' ROUND, YEAH.
I THOUGHT WE MADE THE BUZZER HIGH ENOUGH, BUT CLEARLY--
NO, I GOT A PASSER-BY TO PRESS IT.
PASSER-BY, DAMN.
WE DIDN'T THINK OF EVERYTHING.
- MMM. - ( Warwick chuckles )
ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, NO, IT IS. IT'S GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU NEED, THOUGH? 'CAUSE WE'RE JUST A BIT CRUNCHED.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. JUST A CHAT, REALLY.
- OH, OKAY. - OH, YOU KNOW, I WAS...
Warwick: YOU'VE GOT TO BE RESILIENT IN THIS BUSINESS.
WHEN THE PHONE DOESN'T STOP RINGING, GREAT. YOU CAN BE CHOOSY.
BUT WHEN THE PHONE'S NOT RINGING,
THEN IT'S AT TIMES LIKE THIS
WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE
AND YOU CALL IN A FEW FAVORS.
NOW, I'M GOOD FRIENDS WITH RICKY GERVAIS AND STEPHEN MERCHANT.
AND WHEN YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH WRITERS, DIRECTORS,
PRODUCERS LIKE THEY ARE, THEN WHAT'S WRONG WITH SAYING,
"ALL RIGHT, CHAPS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
HAVE YOU GOT ANY WORK FOR ME?"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
THERE'S NO WORK COMING IN EITHER AT THE MINUTE.
ARE YOU DOING ANY MORE "EXTRAS," PERHAPS?
- MAYBE WE COULD-- - NO.
NO? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU WORKING ON, THEN?
JUST OTHER TV AND FILM AND, YOU KNOW--
ANY ACTORS REQUIRED, PERHAPS?
ACTORS? DO YOU NEED ACTORS?
WE WILL NEED ACTORS FOR THE-- SOME POINT.
- BUT NOT NECESSARILY-- - NOT--
- NO. - IF WE DO, THOUGH, I MEAN--
- WE WOULD LIKE-- - YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU WERE BRILLIANT IN "THE OFFICE."
- "EXTRAS." - "EXTRAS." YEAH, WHATEVER.
WE DID HAVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT IN "THE OFFICE," THOUGH.
- WHEELCHAIR. - WE HAD A WHEELCHAIR ONE.
- SAME BALLPARK. YEAH, BUT NO. - OH, YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, WELL, REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU'RE WRITING.
- DEFINITELY. OH, YEAH. - OKAY.
YOU KNOW I MENTIONED THAT THINGS WEREN'T SO GOOD
BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE WIFE?
RECENTLY IT'S TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE, I'M AFRAID.
SHE'S LOOKING TO GO THROUGH WITH A DIVORCE NOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.
ALWAYS DELIVERED IN THE BEDROOM DEPARTMENT, I THINK.
YOU KNOW?
- NO, IT'S-- - YOU KNOW, I--
SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, WHICH IS UNUSUAL, I THINK,
YOU KNOW, THIS FAR INTO MARRIAGE.
WHAT WAS IT? 10 YEARS ALMOST, YEAH.
BUT ALWAYS HAD A GOOD GO.
OH, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE MAIN THING, ISN'T IT?
I WANT TO TELL YOU THIS, RICKY.
I ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF HER NEEDS FIRST
- BEFORE WE MOVED ON TO MINE. - ( clears throat )
I COULD TELL YOU SOME OF THE THINGS WE DID.
NO, NO POINT. IT'S JUST SAD.
IT'S-- NO, I COULD TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
ALL A BIT SAD, REALLY.
- YEAH. - RIGHT.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU CHAPS. - CHEERS. ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU.
- CHEERS. - THANKS FOR COMING.
SEE YOU SOON. OKAY.
- JUST ONE MORE THING. - GO ON.
JUST GETTING BACK TO THE DIVORCE SITUATION.
JUST WONDERED IF YOU'VE GOT ANY ADVICE.
WELL, MY ADVICE WOULD BE ASK STEVE,
'CAUSE HE'S GREAT AT THAT SORT OF... THING.
- ABOUT WHAT? - JUST THE DIVORCE. THE DIVORCE THING.
IT'S ALL NEW TO ME, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO--
MY ADVICE WOULD PROBABLY BE JUST TO...
DO WHATEVER YOU THINK IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN THIS SITUATION.
WHAT GOOD ADVICE THAT IS.
- Warwick: DO WHATEVER? - YEAH.
YOU AGREE WITH THAT?
IF HE SAYS SO, YEAH.
DO WHATEVER. OKAY, YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT, CHAPS. CHEERS. - Ricky: YOU DEFINITELY OFF?
- SEE YOU LATER. - BYE.
- "DO WHATEVER." - WHAT DO I KNOW?
- I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE HE WAS MARRIED. - OH, GOD.
WELL, THAT WENT WELL.
IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO GET THEIR PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS.
AND NOW I'M IN THEIR MINDS FOR ANY FUTURE-- SHAUN.
- SHAUN WILLIAMSON FROM "EXTRAS." - HELLO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, THEN?
OH, JUST SEEING THE BOYS ABOUT A FEW THINGS.
OH, SO THEY ARE DOING MORE "EXTRAS," THEN, ARE THEY?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST RETURNING THEIR DRY CLEANING.
- OH. - DOING A FEW ERRANDS FOR THEM, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH. - IT'S ALL CASH.
IT'S, YOU KNOW-- JUST KEEPS ME BUSY.
GETS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WORK'S DRIED UP A BIT SINCE "EXTRAS."
YEAH, SAME HERE.
- WHAT IS THIS, THEN? - A DOCUMENTARY.
- WHAT, ABOUT--? - ABOUT ME, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD EXPOSURE. - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
- SEE YOU LATER. - YEAH, SEE YOU LATER. YEAH, YEAH.
- ( buzzer rings ) - Ricky: HELLO?
- IT'S SHAUN. - SO WHAT WAS I SAYING?
NOW I'M IN THEIR MINDS FOR ANY FUTURE WORK AND STUFF,
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS WRITING AND PRODUCING STUFF.
SO THEY'RE THE PEOPLE TO KNOW.
CHERYL WILKINS. I SEE.
BIT OF BACKGROUND ON ME BEFORE WE START.
I'M AN ENTREPRENEUR
AND HOPING TO EXPAND MY OPERATION HERE.
THAT'S PARTLY WHY I NEED NEW STAFF.
ALSO, MY WIFE USED TO WORK HERE,
BUT SHE'S CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH
A DIVORCE SITUATION WITH ME,
SO-- SO I NEED A NEW SECRETARY, WHICH COULD BE YOU.
I'M LOOKING AT YOUR C.V.,
- AND I SEE NOT A LOT OF EXPERIENCE. - NO.
THAT WILL MEAN I CAN'T PAY YOU A LOT INITIALLY.
THAT'S FINE. MY MOM JUST WANTS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
SHE SAID I CAN LIVE RENT-FREE
AS LONG AS I DON'T COME HOME TILL 6:00 EVERY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?
TELL ME A BIT ABOUT CHERYL. DO YOU HAVE A PET?
I'VE GOT TWO PETS THAT ARE RELATED TO EACH OTHER.
- THEY'RE DOGS. - AH.
BUT WE SORT OF CALL THEM DIFFERENT THINGS.
SO, LIKE, THEY'VE GOT NAMES.
YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
I MEAN, THEY'RE DOGS... AND YOU'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES,
WHICH IS NOT UNUSUAL, I THINK YOU'LL FIND.
IT'S JUST--
OKAY, WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES FOR THE FUTURE?
SALES AND MARKETING.
AND THAT'S IT? THAT'S YOUR DREAM?
NO, MY DREAM IS TO SORT OF ESTABLISH
THAT PEOPLE THAT GO TO THE MOON
ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO THE MOON
AND THEY'RE NOT JUST PRETENDING.
I'VE GOT A FEW MORE PEOPLE TO SEE.
ACTUALLY, THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO SEE. YOU'RE HIRED.
YEAH, WE DO HAVE PEOPLE WHO CAN DO LEPRECHAUNS, YEAH.
HOW MANY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
Warwick: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RESTRICTED IN HEIGHT
DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE RESTRICTED IN TALENT.
I WOULDN'T GO FOR SEVEN, 'CAUSE SEVEN TENDS TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK DWARVES.
IF THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LEPRECHAUNS, I'D GO WITH EITHER SIX OR EIGHT.
THERE'S LOADS OF LITTLE PEOPLE WITH IMMENSE TALENT,
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SHOW THE WORLD.
( piano playing )
♪ EBONY AND IVORY ♪
♪ LIVE TOGETHER IN PERFECT HARMONY-- ♪
CAN I BE HONEST?
AWFUL, OBVIOUSLY.
THAT'S THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES.
A LOT OF BOXES BEING TICKED HERE.
WE'VE GOT DWARVES, BLACKING UP.
AND I MAY BE WRONG, BUT I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT ANYMORE-- MAYBE IN THE NORTH.
SO WE'VE GOT DWARVES, BLACKING UP,
SINGING "EBONY AND IVORY."
- A VERY MIXED MESSAGE. - AND I'M A LESBIAN.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ONE OF YOU WAS A GIRL.
SO HERE WE ARE AT THE OFFICES OF MY ACCOUNTANT.
- YEP. - ERIC BIDDLE.
MR. BIDDLE.
HE'S NOT ONLY MY ACCOUNTANT, HE'S A FRIEND AS WELL.
YEAH, WE GO WAY BACK, DON'T WE?
- A LONG WAY. - YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, ISN'T IT?
SMELLS A BIT IFFY IN HERE TODAY.
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING ROTTING. YOU KNOW THAT SORT OF SMELL OF--
- IS IT THAT? - ( groans ) WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S CHICKEN I'D HAD FOR LUNCH. - WHEN?
- ABOUT A WEEK AGO. - THEN EMPTY THE BLOODY BIN.
IT'S NOT MY JOB TO EMPTY THE BINS.
I'M AN ACCOUNTANT, NOT A BLOODY CLEANER. ( laughs )
RIGHT. HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO THE INLAND REVENUE?
- WHAT'S THE LATEST SITUATION? - YES.
THEY ARE NOT PRESSING CHARGES.
THEY DON'T THINK IT'S FRAUDULENT.
I'VE CONVINCED THEM THAT YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
IT'S YOU WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
YOU'RE MY ACCOUNTANT, RIGHT?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO TELL ME IF I OWE TAX.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT--
THE ORIGINAL FIGURE THEY WERE SAYING I OWED WAS 250,000.
- WHERE ARE WE AT NOW? - WELL, I WAS CHEEKY.
I SAID, "HE WON'T DO IT AGAIN."
THERE WAS A BIT OF BACK AND FORTH.
AND THE FIGURE I ARRIVED AT WAS 50,000 POUNDS.
50,000 POUNDS? THAT'S GREAT!
WAIT, NO. THEY SAID NO TO THAT.
A VERY DEFINITE NO.
SO WHAT WAS THE FIGURE YOU AGREED ON?
250,000 POUNDS.
BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED TO START WITH!
THAT'S NOT NEGOTIATING, ERIC. YOU JUST AGREED WITH THEM.
YES, ALL RIGHT, BUT THEY ARE THE TAX PEOPLE.
THEY DO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THEY UNDERSTAND YOUR ACCOUNTS BETTER THAN ME, TO BE HONEST,
AND I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH THEM.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ARGUE WITH THEM--
I DON'T WANNA *** OFF THE INLAND REVENUE.
I'VE GOT OTHER CLIENTS TO THINK ABOUT, BETTER CLIENTS.
I DON'T WANT THEM TARRED BY YOUR BLOODY MISTAKES.
- THAT YOU MADE. - YEAH, EXACTLY.
Warwick: I'VE KNOWN ERIC FOR ABOUT 25 YEARS NOW.
HE WANTED TO BE A TOP ACCOUNTANT,
I WANTED TO BE A HOLLYWOOD STAR.
I HAVE TO EARN 250,000 POUNDS BY JANUARY?
MORE, ACTUALLY,
'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO PAY 40% TAX ON WHAT YOU EARN.
I NEVER REALIZED BACK THEN, THOUGH,
WHAT A POOR ACCOUNTANT HE WOULD BECOME.
HANG ON, I'M CONFUSED. SORRY.
- AM I BEING THICK? - NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT IS CONFUSING-- TAX AND PERCENTAGES AND EVERYTHING.
I'M ALWAYS GETTING STUFF WRONG. I GET LETTERS.
AND THE SMELL IN HERE MAKES IT HARD TO CONCENTRATE, TO BE HONEST.
HE REALLY IS *** AT IT.
- HOW MUCH DO I NEED TO EARN? - LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
- 250,000 TIMES-- OOPS. - ( machine clacking )
TIMES-- DOES THIS DO PERCENTAGES?
IT SHOULD DO. WHERE IS IT?
AH, THERE. NOW DO I PRESS TIMES PERCENTAGE?
Warwick: IF HE WASN'T A MATE, I'D HAVE FIRED HIM 24 YEARS AGO,
BUT HE IS A MATE, AND I CAN'T FIRE HIM.
( clacking )
IS NOT 0.4 THE SAME-- ISN'T THAT LIKE SAYING 40% OF SOMETHING?
Warwick: IN FACT, HE'S MORE LIKE A STRAY DOG THAN A MATE,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN FEEDING HIM FOR SO LONG,
I CAN'T STOP NOW.
'CAUSE IF I DO, I KNOW HE'D JUST SIT OUTSIDE WAITING
AND STARVE TO DEATH.
POUNDS, AND PAY THE TAX ON THAT.
PAY OFF THE CHILDREN 50 GRAND,
AND YOU'LL BE LEFT WITH 20,000 POUNDS.
I'D HAVE 20 GRAND?
I COULD LIVE ON THAT. IT'S NOT SO BAD. HANG ON.
DIDN'T THE HIGHER RATE TAX
GO UP FROM 40% TO 50% IN THE U.K. RECENTLY?
GEE-- ( groaning )
Ricky: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, WARWICK?
- YEAH. - HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING INTO THIS OFFICE?
Warwick: THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING FRIENDS
WITH INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE IS THAT THROUGH THEM
YOU GET TO MEET OTHER INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE.
IF EITHER OF YOU OR BOTH COULD COME ALONG, IT'D REALLY HELP ME.
I CAN'T. I JUST--
Warwick: THAT'S HOW THIS BUSINESS OPERATES.
IT'S ALL ABOUT NETWORKING.
- YOU'D REALLY ENJOY IT. - I WOULDN'T, WARWICK, TRUST ME.
- ( buzzer rings ) - YOU'VE GOTTA GO. SORRY.
- HELLO? - It's Liam Neeson.
- COME IN. - I'VE WORKED WITH HIM.
OKAY, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA GO, THOUGH. SORRY, GUYS.
Warwick: I'D JUST--
- Ricky: THERE HE IS. - Stephen: HELLO.
- HI. - Ricky: HI. THAT'S WARWICK. HE'S JUST GOING, THEN.
HIYA. WE ACTUALLY WORKED TOGETHER ON "STAR WARS: PHANTOM MENACE."
- OH, YEAH? - WE HAD A SCENE TOGETHER. IT WAS CUT, THOUGH.
- DO YOU REMEMBER? - OKAY.
THANKS FOR SEEING ME.
I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M THINKING OF--
I'M THINKING OF DOING SOME COMEDY.
OH, WHAT, LIKE A COMEDY MOVIE?
NO, ON-STAGE, STAND-UP COMEDY, LIVE COMEDY OF SOME KIND.
WOW.
I'M A FUNNY GUY, AREN'T I?
I'M FUNNY, RIGHT?
YEAH... DEFINITELY.
HERE'S SOME OF THE STUFF I'D LIKE TO WORK ON.
IMPROV, STAND-UP COMEDY,
FUNNY MONOLOGUES, CRAZY CHARACTERS,
SKETCHES, SLAPSTICK,
ANECDOTES, PARODY.
- YEAH? - YEP.
YOU NOTICED THIS LIST, HUH? I'M ALWAYS MAKING LISTS.
OH, RIGHT.
IN FACT, THAT'S PROBABLY WHY STEVEN SPIELBERG
CAST ME AS OSKAR SCHINDLER IN "SCHINDLER'S LIST."
I SAID, "STEVEN, I MAKE LISTS ALL THE TIME."
AND HE SAID, "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR."
WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?
SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING
ABOUT GETTING THE PART OF OSKAR SCHINDLER BECAUSE YOU MADE LISTS.
NO. AS AN ACTOR, YOU NEED STUFF TO DRAW ON.
AND I DREW ON THAT.
OKAY. WOW.
OKAY, LET'S DO SOME IMPROVISATIONAL COMEDY.
- I CAN'T NOW, LIAM. - IT'S A BAD TIME, ACTUALLY.
LET'S DO SOME IMPROVISATIONAL COMEDY NOW.
- O-OKAY. - GIVE US A SCENARIO, WARWICK.
RIGHT, OKAY.
YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC AND RICKY'S A DOCTOR.
( clicking tongue ) EXCELLENT. OKAY.
( exhales )
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - COME IN.
- HELLO. - OH, NO, NOT YOU AGAIN.
I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.
SORRY, I THOUGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC
- YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR'S BEFORE. - DON'T PRESUME.
THAT'S A BACK-STORY WE DIDN'T AGREE ON BEFOREHAND.
NO, I KNOW.
BUT THAT'S IMPROV, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
- YOU SORT OF GO WITH THE FLOW. - I DON'T TAKE NOTES.
OKAY.
- CAN WE GO AGAIN BECAUSE YOU RUINED THAT? - YEAH. SORRY.
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - COME IN.
- HEY. - HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I'VE CONTRACTED AIDS.
- HOW WOULD YOU GET THAT? - FROM AN AFRICAN ***.
I'M-- I'M RIDDLED WITH IT.
THE ***'S FROM AN AFRICAN COUNTRY
THAT'S RAVAGED BY STARVATION, SO...
SELLING HER BODY WAS THE ONLY FINANCIAL RECOURSE SHE HAD LEFT.
- DO YOU MIND IF I INTERJECT FOR A SECOND? - GO ON.
SORRY, I JUST THINK IT'S GETTING QUITE HEAVY, THIS SKETCH,
AND I JUST WONDER IF PERHAPS, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF COMEDY,
YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO HAVE CONTRACTED AIDS FROM AN AFRICAN ***.
MM-HMM.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - COME IN.
- HI. - HI. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
- AS I SAID BEFORE, I'VE GOT FULL-BLOWN AIDS. - RIGHT.
- DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT IT? - SURE.
FROM A WELL-KNOWN HOMOSEXUAL ACTOR.
WOW. OKAY.
IT WAS ( bleep ).
I WOULDN'T SAY THE NAME JUST 'CAUSE OF THE--
I GOT IT FROM AN UNSPECIFIC ACTOR.
- DOES HE KNOW HE HAS AIDS? - WHO? ( Bleep )?
AGAIN, I JUST WOULDN'T NAME THEM.
AND ALSO, I JUST THINK AIDS, AS I SAID BEFORE,
IS JUST A REALLY HEAVY SUBJECT FOR COMEDY.
OH, OKAY.
MM-HMM. UH, I COULD HAVE BOWEL CANCER.
YEAH. CANCER, THOUGH, AND AIDS AND FAMINE
ARE JUST NOT REALLY SUBJECTS FOR COMEDY.
WELL, WHY DOES HE GET AWAY WITH IT, THEN?
WE DON'T KNOW.
WELL, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE A DOCTOR IN THE SKETCH IF I CAN'T TALK ABOUT AIDS.
- OKAY. - OKAY.
- ANY SUGGESTION? - OH, UM...
YOU'RE A GREENGROCER AND RICKY COMES IN TO COMPLAIN.
I'VE PLAYED ROB ROY MACGREGOR,
MICHAEL COLLINS, OSKAR SCHINDLER,
ZEUS, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
NO ONE'S GONNA BELIEVE ME AS A GREENGROCER.
YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR ACCENT. LOTS OF ACTORS DO THAT.
WELL, HE DOESN'T. HOW DOES HE GET AWAY WITH IT?
AGAIN, WE DON'T KNOW.
LET'S JUST DO OUR OWN ACCENTS AND GET THIS DONE, SHALL WE?
OKAY, GREENGROCER.
- TRING. - WE'RE CLOSED.
I THINK THE SHOP HAS TO BE OPEN FOR US TO DO THE SKETCH.
- Liam: OKAY, OKAY. - OKAY, SORRY.
- TRING. - YES.
I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
- OH? - YEAH, I BOUGHT SOME FRUIT HERE YESTERDAY,
AND WHEN I GOT HOME, SOME OF IT WAS ROTTEN.
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR SHOP
AND IT WAS SOLD ON YOUR PREMISES, SO--
UH-UH. I WASN'T HERE.
- DOESN'T MATTER-- - I WAS AT THE DOCTOR'S.
- OKAY. - I'VE GOT AIDS.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE.
YEP, THAT'S IT. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THAT'S GONNA-- YOU'RE GONNA STORM IT, BOY.
OKAY, BRILLIANT. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
DON'T FORGET YOUR LITTLE LIST.
YOU'RE OFF AS WELL, AREN'T YOU, WARWICK?
- OH, YEAH. - Ricky: OKAY, SEE YOU GUYS.
- ALL GOOD. - Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
CHEERS.
Warwick: EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
SOME THINGS ARE SENT TO TEST YOU.
I'M NOT THE SORT OF BLOKE WHO LIVES IN THE PAST,
WHO GOES, "OH, I WISH IT WAS STILL THE 1980s.
THOSE WERE THE GLORY DAYS.
I WAS DOING 'WILLOW,' 'RETURN OF THE JEDI.'
WORK WAS ROLLING IN."
I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
I'M GOING TO LIST ALL THE POSITIVES.
I'M NOT DESTITUTE.
I'M NOT A DRUG ADDICT.
I'M NOT RIDDLED WITH AIDS.
AND THERE WAS A CHANCE OF CATCHING THAT IN THE '80s.
FROM A WOMAN.
IF I HAD CAUGHT IT FROM ANYONE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WOMAN.
BUT TO BE HONEST, I WASN'T REALLY *** IN THE '80s.
IN THE '90s, I DIPPED MY WICK A FEW TIMES.
SO WATCH THIS SPACE.
THERE'LL BE PLENTY MORE WICK-DIPPING TO COME.
IN WOMEN.
JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT TOTALLY CLEAR.
I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU STAYING?
PROBABLY A GUEST HOUSE.
- YOU GOT EVERYTHING? - YEAH.
- YOU GOT YOUR SPECIAL SHAMPOO? - YES.
DON'T WORRY, IT'S ALMOST CLEARED UP ANYWAYS.
OKAY, WELL, BYE.
- SEE YA. - SEE YA.
LOVELY DAY. ( clears throat )
DO YOU WANT TO GO INTO THE TOILET WITH ME?
- YOU GETTING ALL THIS? - *** OFF!
WOULD YOU BE GUEST OF HONOR AT OUR WEDDING?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?
BE GRATEFUL THE PHONE ISN'T RINGING 'CAUSE IT MIGHT BE STING.
HIS REAL NAME'S GORDON!
YOU'RE A DISGUSTING LITTLE CREATURE
AND I WANT TO SQUASH YOU.
HE CAN'T AFFORD A SOLICITOR. I'M HIS ACCOUNTANT!
( laughing )
- GIVE ME A KISS. - UM...
( scoffs ) SHE CHANGED THE LOCKS.
SHE CHANGED THE BACK DOOR, TOO.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
I WAS THINKING...
THAT I PUT OVER 400,000 POUNDS INTO THIS HOUSE,
AND THE DOG, BLESS IT,
HAS CONTRIBUTED VERY LITTLE TO THE MORTGAGE, YET...
IT CAN COME AND GO AS IT PLEASES.
AND I THOUGHT, I'LL HAVE A BIT OF THAT.