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Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner,
my name is Max 'cause the hospital
wouldn't le my mother name oops.
I've been out of town on summer,
anything new?
Anything new? Let's see, well
Facebook went public and Edward Snowden private.
Kim and Kanye had a baby,
so now there's another Kardashian
to not keep up with.
Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in,
and a teacher in California's out
for letting her students get it in.
Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run,
Chris Brown got a hit-and-run,
Rihanna got a hot and still didn't run.
Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, ***
gave Michael Douglas throat cancer,
and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere
another excuse not to do that.
Eygept went crazy,
*** went crazeyer,
and the NSA checks our phone
like a creazy ex-girlfriend.
Oh, and Texs hates women,
*** hates blak,
And everybody hates everything
with the exception
of Angelina Jolie,
who is totally awesome.
I meant on the menu.
Anything new on the menu?
I have no idea.
Let me check.
Hey, Caroline, anything new
I should know about?
The royal baby
smiled at the queen.
I meant at the diner.
Oh.
I think we're maybe
washing the forks now?
Let me check.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh
See, Max, one quick change,
and we went from polyester and
pitiful to powerful and proud.
Just like superman.
Except that superman changed
in a phone booth,
not a stall that says,
"for a good time, call Max.
"
Well, if you have a problem
with it, why did you write it?
'Cause I didn't have
enough eyeliner to write,
"for an interesting time,
call Caroline.
"
Look.
Look, Earl, we're wearing
our "Max's homemade cupcakes"
t-shirts again.
See the logo?
Well, actually, I try never
to look you ladies
in the "chestal" area.
It keeps things
on the up and up.
Oh, Earl, you are
one in a million, literally,
'cause 999,999 men have only
looked me in that area.
Well, I got to go home.
Oh, I missed so much
growing up in Korea.
What, like puberty?
Max, in my count
I'm average height.
And in my mind,
I'm still rich,
and my health care plan
isn't Flintstones chewables.
So who wants to go in the back
and see how amazing
our brand-new cupcake shop is?
Bring down the enthusiasm,
Rachael Ray.
Right,
we're not supposed to get
all excited
out this opening tonight.
Last time, we made a big deal,
and the shop didn't do so well.
Ha!
That's like saying the people
near the nuclear explosion
didn't do so well.
Girls,
I am so proud of you two,
getting back up on that horse.
After my first jazz record
didn't sell,
I turned to a life of drinks,
drugs, and loose women.
Funny how sometimes
things just work out right.
But how can you be opening
your cupcake window right now?
- It's 2:00 A.
M.
!
- Our hours are 2:00 to 4:00.
We're targeting
the "post bars" demographic.
Drunk Williamsburg guys.
That's my target
when I'm by myself
and now my target
at the new shop.
Funny how sometimes
things just work out right.
We have no big expectations
about the opening tonight.
It's a soft opening.
What's the difference
between a soft one
and a hard one?
You want me to show him?
Thanks, but we're cool.
Seriously,
it won't take me a minute.
It's fine, Oleg.
Just so you know,
I'm already there.
Get ready, this room's had
an amazing transformation.
- Rachael Ray?
- I mean, it's fine, whatever.
Han, before we go in,
close your eyes.
I want you to get
the full effect.
Yeah, and I want to trip you.
- She's kidding.
- No, she's not.
Yeah, I'm not.
Han, I promise,
I won't let her trip you.
Now, close your eyes.
- What?
- Now, I thought
she was going to hit me.
- She was not.
- Yeah, I was.
Okay, no more blind eye
bull crap.
Just show me
the damn smelly back room.
Let me turn off the lights
for a more dramatic impact.
What? I didn't do anything.
It was me.
He now knows what hard is.
I cannot believe my eyes.
I felt the same way
when I first saw you.
Original tan, original tile,
original too.
What do you think, Oleg?
Nice.
"Nice"? All you got is "nice?"
This place was like
Great Adventure for rats!
They were waiting in line
to bite us.
Caroline, show them
your bite marks.
- I'd rather not.
- Nice?
It used to smell like the place
poop comes to die.
Or death comes to poop.
And look what we did!
We created
the greatest, coolest, chic-est
cupcake shop, and I love it!
But you know, no enthusiasm.
Just soft opening.
And, Han,
this was all possible
because you gave us
the space rent-free.
Rent-free?
Now, refresh my memory.
When exactly did I say
"rent-free?"
On the 27th, 4:15 P.
M.
,
you said,
"I don't care about that dump,
you can have it for free.
Burn it to the ground,
for all I care.
"
I knew learning English would
come back to bite me in the ***.
Someone's already knocking?
That's a really great sign, Max.
Time to open.
Look, girls, I'm blowing
this party horn for you.
Thanks, Sofie, but we didn't
want o make a big deal,
it's a soft opening.
Oh, I love a soft opening.
- Hello, Sophie.
- Oh, hello, Oleg.
Sorry, Sofie, about this
uncomfortable meeting.
If we had known
you were going to surprise us,
- we wouldn't have invited Oleg.
- Yeah, I was there
when you two broke up and
I'm still suffering from PTSD.
"Post-traumatic Sophie drama.
"
There's no drama.
And the ard
for the best drama goes to.
Not us.
Right, Oleg?
Yes, we're friends now.
See, girls, I cheated on her,
so she smashed in
my car windows.
And my apartment windows.
And your stereo
and your flat screen.
And my brother's flat screen
and his daughter's computer.
Yeah, she surprised me.
She wasn't supposed to be home.
We got it out of our systems.
Good night, friend.
Good night, friend
and, Oleg?
Wow.
That is one lucky horn.
Honey, look.
Look, some customers.
Hey, cool guys!
Come over here and eat something
from the girls' soft opening!
That is so not
the way I would've gone,
but I'll take it.
Hello, hello.
What have we got here?
Welcome to Max
homemade cupcakes.
In England we call 'em
"fairy cakes.
"
Fairy cakes? Damn it.
Why are the hot ones
always gay?
Oh, give us the whole lot.
Oh, my God!
A black American Express card?
I haven't held a black one
in my hands in years.
I would've guessed you hadn't
held a black one ever.
Sorry, it's our first nigh,
cash only.
Oh, wow.
He is really out of it.
- What is he on?
- Besides me later?
Do not know, but am jealous.
Annow I'really jeaus.
Re he'll be fine.
Oh, I'd say
he's more than fine.
I'd say he's
my next boyfriend.
Rond, mate.
Wake up.
He's not breathing.
I can't wake him, call 911!
Call 911!
Let's all just calm down.
I
have seen this happen a lot.
One summer I had a part-time job,
I was a life guars at a crack hous.
***
he's dead.
Called that wrong.
Max, the guy who died
in front of our shop last night
was a rock star.
He used to date Kate moss.
No offense,
but dating Kate moss
is like a law in england.
Everyone has to do it
when they turn 21.
His name was Roland Glass,
and he has two gold records.
I can't believe
I've never heard of him.
I can.
Your go-to jam
ishe soundtrack from newsies.
Yesterday a rock star,
antoday he's gone.
You never know.
From the fancy breakfast place
on the corner.
You ordered
fromagna *** latte?
One, I wish I had a gun.
And, two, someday I'm gonna
order breakfasto be delivered
with one
of their fancy-a croissants.
Who knows, tonight
I could too much ***
and e an unexpected ath.
But at least then I'd e
doing something my motr loved.
You're right, Max.
You ly live once.
Yolo.
And you only live till
the next timyou say "yolo.
"
Oh, no.
More bad news.
According to my Google alert
for Max's homede cupcakes-
you have a Google alert
for our business?
I only have a Google alert
for "Oprah goes topless.
"
I'm not saying
it's gonna happen,
but I'm saying, if it does, I'm
gonna be the first oneo know.
Look, it's online that roland
glass died in front of our shop.
And now my phone just died.
It's an epidemic.
Oleg, what are you still doing
with the aow from our sh?
Ght you said that was hung.
, I said I was hung.
And I can't put it up now
wi that crowd of people
in front of your window.
There are people
in front of our window?
Dude, is this
where my manoland died?
Yeahright ov there
then I'm gonna put thihere
nexto Paddington bear.
I caught this at h last coert.
And I also caught this.
So, like, whatdude?
Just dropped to the ground?
Actually, he h right here
first, smiled, then fell.
He sled? Dude.
Max, c I see you over he?
Soy for your I and dope hat.
Thanks.
I found it in a dumper.
Max, what are you ing?
N't tell them
he hit our cnter.
We neeto distance ouelves
om the entire event.
This spes disaster
for our new business.
Dude, can I t
three dozen cupcakes?
T spells succe.
I have beaucoup friends cong
here for the midnight vigi
how mu a your cupcakes?
$7.
That's a lot.
Dude.
Roland would've
wantedat way.
Knock, knock,
knocking on heaven's door
And he hit right here
before he fell.
And as he fell,
he looked up at me and smiled.
Content.
Peaceful.
That'll be $7, cash only.
Mira, can you break a 50?
Max!
Yeah, what do you need?
Change for a 50.
Got it.
I mean, why, God, why?
knock, knock,
knocking on heaven's door
Ten, ten, ten, ten.
Heaven's door
Max, we're almost
sold out in here.
I need more cupcakes
from the kitchen.
Got it.
I'll come right in.
Earl?
Yo!
Same split as before.
What a waste.
You know how much money
we could make if we sold pot?
Oh, you want in on that too?
Same split.
Oh, man,
that hippie patchouli smell
is worse than the poop was.
Han, shh.
These people are
in mourning.
Show some respect.
Me? Me show some respect?
What will you two do next,
sell cupcakes
at the diabetes wing
at the children's hospital?
How dare
you doubt my sincerity?
I personally have shooed
a homeless man
away from peeing
on that shrine twice.
I don't care what
I may or may not have said
on the 27th at 4:15 P.
M.
Your business is booming,
and now I want rent.
No way, han.
That man
could've overdosed anywhere.
But God made him overdose in
front of our window as a gift.
And, yes, we are accepting that
gift because you only live once.
Yolo.
This isn't "yolo""
it's "hodo""
he only died once.
I'm surprised you aren't
selling "hodo" t-shirts.
How dare you again?
We are simply providing
some comfort food
to people who need comfort.
And, I might add, we are doing
it with the utmost respect.
Knock, knock, knocking
on the apple store's door
That's it,
your business is booming,
I want rent.
200.
A year?
A month, and it's a bargain
for my beautiful space.
This space is only beautiful
because we made it beautiful.
Yeah, show 'em
your bite marks!
Max, I'd rather not.
You will pay me $200 a month,
and there is nothing
you can do to change my mind!
Show him your bite marks!
Fine!
A rat bit her ***?
Okay, 195.
No rent, han.
That wasn't
the deal you made us.
This is not personal,
it's business.
I want a slice of grief pie!
Show him your front bites!
No! That's too personal.
Sorry you had to do that.
So am I.
It's healing nicely.
Don't lie to me.
I think it's nice of uto add
our owers to the others.
Shows respect.
You're acting
like you didn't steal them.
X, it's the thought
that counts.
And I thought it'd be chper
to pull them out
of someone's garn.
Wait, where's the shri?
Look, han ved it
over to the dineor.
That insolent charlatan!
Whatever that means.
knock, knock,
knking on heaven's door
Can you believe this, girls?
He's casng in a death.
Without us.
And in his honor
tonight we a serving
chicken LA roland!
At a mrner's discount
of just $8.
95.
Looks like jiminy icket
turned to the rk side.
I Al have rock stapudding.
Nope.
No way, Max.
Th is our shrine.
Grab aandful of bears.
We'rmoving
the dead g sine back?
Wa, let me just
light a candle for my digny.
It died here t.
Max, o you wa
to be ccessful or not?
Because if youo,
grab o of these poems
that doesn't follow
any of the rules of poetry,
and move it back
to the ccake window.
Because this is our death.
Think e
you're being a little rsh.
"Rock out in heaven.
Love, Kevin.
"
That'sold.
Oops, knocked over a cdle.
Ooh, ll fire.
Fire on shoe.
If I don't get this out, it's
gonna be my memorial service.
Look, look.
Those girls e disrting
the shrine oa dead m!
Lo, look, a roach got out
of the diner! Quick, step on it!
Look, hippies, look!
Put down those bongs and look.
They're ving the place
where a man died
fothr own financial gain!
Hey, that's so not ol, man.
Yeah, me on.
Yeahboo!
He's the not cool one.
Yeahlook at him!
Roland glass died hrible death
in front
of our adorable cupcake window.
See? "Horrible, adorable"?
That rhyme just me
right off the top of my head.
Hey! Hi.
Hi.
He knows!
I told him to op
peeing on the shrine
when it was still overhere!
Isn't that right?
P.
That's e bih.
Yes! Yes! I'm the ***!
So n cool, dude.
Let's gehim out of her
(Han no! Stop!
That's my wa!
Ooh, stop!
That's not my wallet
op!
Stop
st of rock of ages, stop!
Puhim wn.
He's cool.
Even with thothes
and that head.
I mean, really.
E we
that desperate f success?
We'det hane torn apart?
I'thinking.
Caroline-
Max, I'm thinking.
Well, no one's knock, knock,
ocking on our door now.
'S more deadut tre
than when ere was
a dead guy out the.
I'm having second thoughts
about how behav today.
I mean, how could we
have let hanive?
Hello.
I brought you some rock star
pudding to sayhankou.
Oh, rock star pudding.
What's in it, pills?
Oken dreams?
Tear-stained ***?
Caroline?
I'm Noas easy as Max.
Said every gir
my seventh grade class.
Look, I was wrong.
No, han, I was.
We should pay rent.
I wasn't talking
about the rent.
Rent?
O said anything about rent?
I was wrong when I said
it wast personal,
it was business.
After Max stopped me
from being torn
limb from limb
by the smelly hippies,
I realized, with us,
it is mostly personal.
And a little business.
A little business?
What other kind
could you have?
Max, let's not be *** han.
He's giving us
this space rent-free.
No one said "rent-free.
"
I came up with a number
I think is fair.
$250,000.
Yeah, sounds fair.
I remembered that was
your original cupcake shop goal.
So when you hit that amount,
we can talk rent.
Han, that is so sweet.
And I'm not gonna ruin it
by bringing up the fact
that she just said
"*** han.
"
Really, han,
it's so, so generous.
But don't know
if we're comfortable with it
what if we offered y
a small piece of theusiness?
I'll wait for thrent.
You two are good fends.
A woman finally
offers han a piece,
and he turns it down.
Max.
Google alert.
Oprah's topless?
Max, let that go.
That's never gonna happen.
Not with that attitude.
No, the autopsy
says roland glass
choked
on a Max's homemade cupcake.
This is a disaster.
Hey, where's your enthusiasm
now, miss rachael ray?
This place is the balls!
And it's just a matter of time
till those sicko hipsters
are lining up
for "one of those cupcakes
that killed that dude""
open the window!
We're back, baby!
But we can't count
on a guy dying every week.
I mean, I have
a positive attitude,
but that's too pollyanna.
We don't have to.
That's what's so great
about this window.
Who knows what'll happen?
Right, and we won't
have to chase business down
because we'll be
right here on the street
waiting for it to come to us.
Max, I feel so good
about the possibilities.
One night it could be
a black American express card,
and the
Max, is it
Other nights,
it's a friendly little visit
from our homeless guy.