Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Hey, Bobbie, I just got your message.
I can't believe they want me
on Inside the Actors Studio.
It's a real honor.
I'm so proud of you.
Why don't we talk about
what clips you're gonna use.
Actually, I had a cool idea.
I thought the aspiring actors in
the crowd
might like to see
some of my unsuccessful auditions.
It'll show them that even a great actor
doesn't get every part he's up for.
Joey Tribbiani, King Kong screen test.
Action.
Sir, sir, you know you're not reading
for the part of the ape.
That one wasn't as good
as I remembered.
Oh, here's a good one.
Joey Tribbiani, Capote screen test.
Action.
I'm Truman Capote.
I understand that you and your brother
were involved in a heinous crime.
Thank you.
Batman Begins screen test.
Action.
Who are you?
I'm the Batman.
I'm bringing Gotham dark justice.
Boy, I really locked into
that Capote voice.
I like it.
Hey, what should I say
when James Lipton asks me this question:
"If there is a God, what do you want him
to say when you get to heaven?"
How about, "Hi, Joey.
I'm God.
Can you teach me how to be awesome?"
That's not bad.
- Don't you get nervous in front of a group?
- No.
For the first time, I have to give
a closing argument and I'm freaking out.
Well, I'm an actor, and I actually have
a proven cure for stage fright.
Although, it is somewhat ***
in nature.
- What is it?
- Having sex.
- Joey
- I've helped
a number of actresses
get over their stage fright.
A night with me has also been known
to cure a fear of flying
and in one instance, appendicitis.
Well, I appreciate the offer,
but I told you, I need more time.
I'm not ready to be
more than friends right now.
***, huh?
Hey, just a second, I'm on the phone,
I just gotta
She'll call you back.
What's up with us?
- What?
- I like you.
- Do you like me?
- Well, yeah
Then why are we doing this?
Well, as I've told you,
I've been through a lot in this last year.
The women on my online
divorce message board
Too many words.
- What?
- Nothing that means anything
takes that many words to say.
Try it again.
Okay.
I've had a lot of complicated feelings
to process
And my emotions What are you doing?
Because of the passage of time,
I now have a long beard
that I'm stroking sarcastically.
You don't have the best track record.
What if it didn't work
and we end up hating each other?
- But we wanna be together.
It'd be crazy if we didn't at least try.
Now, come on,
just go on one date with me.
I'll take you to Inside the Actors Studio.
After that, we'll go out
and I'll show you how great
you and me could be.
- Okay.
But I just think
- No, don't think.
Just do it.
All right.
That's actually a pretty catchy slogan,
huh? "Don't think.
"
Sit down.
All right, I got something
I wanna talk about.
You know how much I love your sister,
your mother.
I mean, I love her so much
I wanna chop her head off
and jump off a cliff with it.
So what I'm saying is,
I've decided to ask her to marry me.
Wait, you know how much I hate this.
I'm gonna give you guys exactly
five seconds to be emotional.
- Oh, my God!
- Yes! I can't believe
You're not a *** child anymore!
Enough!
So do you have a ring?
Well, there's a ring in my family,
but my mom won't die.
So I might have to buy the thing
on my own.
I'm having a little trouble
scraping together the money.
You could sign up for these clinical trials
my friend at school runs.
Just trying new medications for heartburn
and allergies and stuff.
- You can make good money.
- Sign me up.
I'll call her.
God, I've always dreamt
about my parents getting married.
You know, I have my own
ring bearer pillow, hint, hint.
Call your friend!
Jimmy Costa? Come on in.
Is this your partner for the drug trial?
Partner? No, I'm just his ride.
We're only accepting applications in pairs
so you can check each other's reactions.
Really?
Is this gonna mess me up?
Is there anything I can't eat
on this medication?
No, you should eat as you have been.
Wow, that seems really unsafe.
So we're testing
a new antidepressant today
and we're offering $2000
for one week.
Now, if you'd like to participate, I need you
to consent to a quick psychological test
For 2 grand, you can drill a hole in my skull
and touch my brain with your finger.
Do it.
Why don't we start with you.
This is a simple Rorschach test.
I'm gonna show you a series of inkblots
and you tell me what they look like, okay?
Got it.
And don't censor yourself at all.
Whatever these shapes remind you of,
that's what I wanna hear.
Oh, yeah.
No filter.
Inkblot.
- Could you be more specific?
- Right, sorry.
Black inkblot.
Stain.
Blob.
Blob making a stain on an inkblot.
Man, I have got some stuff
going on up here.
The year was 1996.
Benjamin Netanyahu was elected
prime minister of Israel.
Scientist Dr.
Lan Wilmut successfully
cloned a sheep named Dolly.
And American television viewers were
paid a house call by Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
Is the good doctor in?
May we speak to him?
Hello.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Hello.
That's it.
That's how he talked.
Tell me something.
When the cameras are on
at the moment of creation,
what's going through your mind?
Nothing.
Because you're so in the moment.
Could you do it now?
Think of nothing for us.
Students
nothing.
I also have another trick that I use.
Once I've drawn you in with my intensity,
my eyes will never let you go.
Like Michael Caine, I never blink.
Watch.
See that? I'm holding you.
Feel it?
You feel the power.
Well, now it's time
for the Pivot questionnaire.
What is your favorite word?
Fun-sational.
It means awesome.
Then this evening is fun-sational.
- What turns you on?
- I'm turned on right now.
What would you like to hear God say
when you arrive at the pearly gates?
"Welcome to heaven,
here is your chocolate motorcycle.
"
There's magic in you, Joey.
Now, let's take some questions.
Hi, Joey.
I guess my question for you is
when we went out,
why didn't you ever call me back?
I've never seen this woman
before in my life.
So why don't you go back
to Pasadena, Jackie?
My question is kind of a follow-up
to the last one.
What kind of a guy sleeps with a girl
and then sneaks out
of her bathroom window?
Clearly, you have me confused
with someone else
because that never happened.
I have a question.
How many women here
have you slept with?
Just those two, I think.
Hands are raised.
I count 14.
You're three ahead of Gene Wilder
and 150 behind Johnny Depp.
So he just lied to you
and then he never called you again?
Oh, yeah, that's Joey.
He makes you feel like you're special,
then he's on to the next girl.
And is that what happened
with all of you?
No, no No questions between each other.
Lipton, stop them.
Somebody do something.
Can you explain how you managed
to overcome your handicap
of being so handsome?
Not now, Howard.
- Alex is pretty upset about last night, huh?
- It was awful.
I can't believe how many angry women
were there that I slept with.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Did you take your pill today?
- Yeah.
You?
Yeah, I feel like they're
really working on me, you know.
I feel so relaxed and contented,
a great cloud has lifted.
How you doing, buddy?
- These pills been ruining your sex drive?
- That's a side effect?
Yeah, Gina and I haven't done it
since I started taking the stuff.
But I can't tell her
because I want the ring to be a surprise.
Oh, is this where you're meeting
your ***? At my brother's house?
- I told you, there's nobody else.
- Then why won't you sleep with me?
I have tried everything that turns him on.
I have slapped him, I have insulted him.
Watch this.
Die! Die!
Gina, when you choke me
it hurts my feelings.
I give up.
That's about as sexy as I get.
So this sex-drive thing
hasn't affected you at all?
Come on, Jimmy.
They don't make a drug strong enough
to kill my sex drive.
If you'll excuse me
this month's Playboy has an interesting
q and a with Alan Greenspan.
Oh, my God!
I can't picture ***!
What do *** look like?
- He can't be having side effects.
- What do you mean?
My friend put him in the placebo group.
Like, this is all just the power
of suggestion.
- Hey, Joe.
- What?
- Says "side effects include dry mouth.
"
- I know!
- My mouth It's like a desert.
- Yeah?
- Oh, and "dizziness.
"
- Oh, my God, the spinning.
Alex, I know you're in there.
Stop ignoring me.
Okay, fine.
I am going on a hunger strike
until you come out and talk to me.
Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.
- Joey, can we not do this right now?
- No, we need to talk about last night.
Last night, you told me I was gonna see
what it was like to be with you.
Those girls showed me.
I don't wanna end up like them.
- But you're different.
- That's what you said to Christine.
You're confused, none of those girls
were named Christine.
Two of them were named Christine.
Wait, wait, wait, look, I admit,
okay, with those girls
I might've been a tad mendacious.
Learned it from Lipton.
I know it means something bad because
the next word he used was "***-face.
"
But, Alex, you can't compare yourself
to those girls.
You and I were friends first.
I really care about you.
That is exactly why it would hurt so much
if it didn't work out.
Look, I'm the only one taking a risk here.
You must've hurt hundreds of women.
I've hurt zero men.
I just I don't like my odds.
- Joey, you need to talk to your friend.
- Why, what's going on?
After three days, I finally get him into bed
and he spends the whole time holding me.
What the hell is that?
This isn't worth it.
You gotta tell her what you're doing
or get money some other way.
I'm not sure I want the money anymore.
I'm having second thoughts.
What? Why?
A few days without sex, it's like Gina and I
got nothing in common.
We don't have enough to build
a lifelong relationship.
Oh, Jimmy, what are you talking about?
What if the spark goes away for real?
You know, what if she loses interest
in sex?
What if I'm on the high seas
and a swordfish gores my testicles
rendering me impotent?
Jimmy, we're all afraid of that.
There's Alex.
I gotta go talk to her, okay?
Hey.
Okay, look, I understand your concerns
about my past.
So I have decided to change.
Right, as a first step, I threw
my little black book in the dumpster.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Some homeless guy has no idea
he's about to get Tara Reid's phone number.
But you can't just erase your past
just because you threw away some book.
Then tell me.
What do you want me to do?
I don't think there's anything you can do.
I mean, if we dated, everywhere we'd go,
we'd run into some random woman
that you'd slept with.
I'm sorry, Joey,
but I deserve better than that.
Hey, Alex,
I had a great time the other night.
Oh, yeah Hey, Barry.
- What was the other night?
- It was nothing.
Oh, good, as long as it was nothing.
Barry? Hey, Bar!
- Do I know you?
- No, no, no.
Alex was just telling me
about your hot date the other night.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
- How do you guys know each other?
- It's a funny story, she's a friend
and she dated this guy in the building
I'm about to punch in the face.
- What?
- Meathead, you're the guy.
Get out of here!
You're seeing someone else?
I don't understand.
I wanna be with you,
but you ask me to wait.
So I try to be a good guy
and give you your space
and that's what you do?
- I wasn't
- No, Alex.
You're worried about women from my past?
But you're dating someone right now?
The mendacity.
Yeah.
Man, am I glad that test is over.
Those things were killing me.
Hey, did you know, Michael told me
that I was in the placebo group?
He said that all my side effects
were just the power of suggestion.
But I don't think that can explain it.
- I think it can.
- Yeah, you're right.
Here comes Gina.
Do you know
what you're gonna do?
No, man.
I still don't know
if we're meant to be together.
Hey, they had a cancellation
at the shooting range.
You wanna come with me,
or are you still on your period?
- You wanna do that with me?
- Yeah.
You haven't been yourself lately.
And I know I haven't been understanding.
I thought you'd like
to fire a weapon at something.
That's exactly what I want.
I'll go grab my gun.
It's in a brown paper bag
behind Michael's dresser.
- You told me that was a bag of broccoli.
- Because I didn't want you playing with it.
Did you see that?
That was freaking beautiful.
You know, I don't know
why I ever doubted her.
Well, looks like I'm going back
to the jewelry store.
What do you mean back?
I might've done something I regret while
under the influence of antidepressants.
Hey, guys.
- What is that around your neck?
- Oh, this? It's a pendant.
It was a gift from Jimmy.
It says, "My Daddy Loves Me.
"
And I love him too.
Come here.
Gina, what's the holdup on the gun?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, I really need to talk to you
about this Barry thing.
Great, let's talk.
He seems like a great guy.
Look, he asked me out.
And you know,
this thing with you is so complicated.
I thought I could use some distraction
from all this emotionally
Stop stroking your fake beard.
What I'm saying is we just went to dinner,
nothing happened.
But if I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Well, you did.
It's funny.
You were the one who said
we shouldn't be together
because you were worried
about getting hurt, and I didn't get it.
But I get it now.
And you're right.
It'd be crazy for us to get together.
- Yeah, so we shouldn't do it.
- No, we shouldn't.
But I wanna do it anyway.
What?
It's a risk
but you're worth it.
Joey, I wanna be with you too
but when I was in that audience
and all those girls started
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Here, here.
Yeah.
I have been with a lot of women.
- I mean, a lot.
- Okay.
"A lot" a lot.
If you're waiting for a high-five,
it's not coming.
Wow, that's cold.
The point is
because of them,
I know what I want.
And it's not them
it's you.
And, yeah, maybe it would be stupid
for us to get together
but, Alex, we'd both
be taking a chance here.
Let's Let's do it together.
Do something stupid with me.
I guess if I'm gonna do something stupid,
you're the guy to do it with.
I'm the best.
Okay, well, this is great.
Would you like to go out
on our first date?
Yeah.
Oh, wait.
I have to get up really early
for that closing argument tomorrow
and I'm freaking out.
- Oh, right.
Hey, didn't you mention something
about a proven cure for stage fright?
I believe I did.
Come on.
- Hey, wait, don't you have hay fever?
- Yeah.
- Well, this will take care of that too.
- Okay.
Hello?
Tara Reid?
My name's Howard Peckerman.
You don't know me
but how'd you like to meet me
at Houston's for a mojito?
Great, I'll see you there.
Yeah!