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[ MOANING ]
[ BOTH GASP ]
>> AAAAAAAH!
[ CHAIN SAW REVS ]
>> [ GRUMBLING ]
[ THUD ]
[ GROWLS ]
AAAH!
[ ALARM BLARES ]
[ GRUMBLING ]
[ ALL SCREAM ]
AAAAH!
>> ♪ OH, LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE
AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, THE WORLD'S GONE
CRAZY, AND IT AIN'T SAFE ON THE
STREET ♪
♪ OH! ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S A DRAG, AND I KNOW
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪
♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪
[ BOTH ROARING ]
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
>> AAH!
[ CHEERING ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
>> Warden: SO, THIS IS FOR THE
COVER, RIGHT?
>> Jared: UM...YEAH.
O-OF COURSE, SIR.
>> Warden: GREAT.
SO, ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING,
THAT WAS WHEN I LOST MY FIRST
TOOTH.
I REMEMBER IT WAS AUTUMN,
BECAUSE THE LEAVES --
>> Jared: HUP!
WELL, WE'RE, UH, OUT OF TAPE.
UH [CHUCKLES] WELL, WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO PICK UP THERE ON PART 7
OF THE INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK.
COPY BOY! TRANSCRIBE THIS!
>> YOU GOT IT, CHIEF!
>> Jared: AH, WE'LL BURY IT ON
PAGE 12.
YOU, DEVELOP THESE -- STAT!
>> OOH, PICTURES!
>> Jared: AND DON'T USE ANY OF
THE ONES WHERE HE TOOK HIS SHIRT
OFF.
OKAY, PEOPLE, WHERE ARE WE WITH
TOMORROW'S EDITION?
>> WE GOT 50 PAGES OF OBITUARIES
AND NO PAGE ONE!
[ GRUNTS ]
>> Jared: WHAT ABOUT OUR
"ASK ALICE" COLUMN?
>> Alice: I DON'T HAVE ONE THIS
WEEK.
>> Jared: WHY NOT?!
>> Alice: NOBODY'S ASKING ME
[BLEEP]
>> [ GASPS ]
STOP THE PRESSES!
>> [ SCREAMING ]
[ MOANING, ECHOING LAUGHTER ]
>> Alice: WHAT THE "F" WAS THAT?
>> Jared: OUR LEAD STORY!
>> Warden: "SUPERJAIL --
HAUNTED?!?!"
[ SIGHS ]
REALLY, JARED.
I KNOW YOUR LITTLE RAG IS
DESPERATE FOR READERS, BUT I
DON'T APPROVE OF THIS TABLOID
JOURNALISM!
AND WHO SAID YOU COULD BLOW MY
MONEY ON COLOR PRINTING?
>> Jared: BUT, SIR, THAT
PHOTOGRAPH IS IRREFUTABLE PROOF!
>> Warden: THAT YOUR D.T.s ARE
GETTING SO BAD THAT YOU CAN'T
HOLD A CAMERA STEADY!
>> Jared: THEN HOW DO YOU
EXPLAIN ALL THE STRANGE NOISES?!
>> Warden: SUPERJAIL IS STILL,
UH, SETTLING.
>> Jared: THE SHAKING WALLS?
>> Warden: THAT'S THE PRICE YOU
PAY WHEN YOU LIVE ON A SWEET
VOLCANO.
>> Jared: THE MOANING AND
GROANING?
>> Warden: EVERYBODY GROANS WHEN
YOU ENTER A ROOM, JARED.
THAT ONE'S ON YOU.
>> Jared: WARDEN!
THE WALLS ARE OOZING BLOOD!
>> Warden: HAPPENS EVERY TIME
JAILBOT PUTS DOWN A RIOT, AND
THEN HE CLEANS THEM RIGHT UP.
DON'T YOU, BOY?
>> Jared: SIR, EYEWITNESS
ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN POURING IN
SINCE THE STORY RAN.
QUOTE -- "I SAW A STRANGE
GLOWING EYE HOVERING OUTSIDE MY
WINDOW."
>> Warden: MM-HMM.
PRISONERS HAVE OVERACTIVE
IMAGINATIONS, JARED.
>> Jared: IT'S NOT JUST THEM!
ALICE SAYS SHE'S VISITED EVERY
NIGHT BY A STRANGE BEING WHO
SNEAKS INTO HER ROOM AND STEALS
HER ***!
>> Warden: SEE -- OVERACTIVE
IMAGINATIONS.
>> Jared: AAH!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> Warden: HAUNTED.
[ SCOFFS ]
[ GASPS ]
WHAT?!
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S THE PRANKSTER?
I DO NOT NEED TO DIET.
AAH!
IS THAT A PIMPLE?!
UGH! AN UGLY WHITEHEAD.
>> WHO YOU CALLIN' UGLY?
>> YOU UGLY!
NOW GET OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I
STOMP YOUR *** ***.
>> Warden: EW! BLACKHEADS!
AAH! AAH!
AAAAAH!
AH! WHEW!
WHOA!
AAH!
[ GASPING ]
AAH!
AAAAAAAH!
NO! WHOA-OA!
AAH!
OKAY, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!
YOU'RE DREAMING!
AND ANY MINUTE NOW, YOU'RE GONNA
WAKE U-- AAAAAAAAAH!
[ GURGLING ]
>> Jared: AAAAH!
>> Warden: JARED! OH!
HELP ME, BUDDY!
YOU WERE RIGHT!
I-IT'S REAL! IT'S ALL REAL!
I'M HAUNTED!
DEAD PEOPLE HATE ME!
>> Jared: OKAY, C-CALM DOWN,
SIR!
W-WE'LL GET YOU SOME HELP!
WHO DO WE KNOW WHO HAS ESP?
>> Warden: I DON'T THINK DRUGS
WILL HELP THE SITUATION, JARED.
I'M PRETTY KEYED UP AS IT IS!
>> YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE,
HONEY.
SUPERJAIL IS IN SPIRITUAL
UNREST.
BUT...
>> AAH!
>> ...AND THIS IS A VERY BIG
"BUT" -- BY SIMPLY REARRANGING
THE FURNITURE, WE CAN RESTORE
THE POSITIVE FLOW OF SUPERJAIL'S
CHI.
>> HE'S ON A FENG SHUI KICK.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> THERE. YOU SEE?
[ RUMBLING ]
[ ALL SCREAM ]
THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS PRETTY
GREAT.
>> AY-EEEEEEE!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Warden: UGH!
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
SALMONELLA?!
>> [ Haitian accent ] YOU GOT
BIGGER PROBLEM DAN DAT, MAN!
SOULS OF DEM DEAD BE REACHING
OUT!
>> Jared: FOR WHAT, EXACTLY?
>> [ SLURPS ]
>> Warden: HEY, NEAT!
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ME?
>> [ German accent ] YOU SHOULD
HAVE COME TO ME FIRST!
SCIENCE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS!
>> Warden: SO, THERE IS A
SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR ALL
OF THIS?
>> JA -- SUPERJAIL IS CRAZY
SPOOKED!
BETWEEN THE HERE UND THE
HEREAFTER IS A MEMBRANE.
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU PASS THROUGH
THIS MEMBRANE TO THE AFTERLIFE!
BUT SOMEHOW THESE SPIRITS GOT
STUCK INSIDE!
>> Warden: I DON'T FOLLOW.
>> IMAGINE IF YOU HAD NO [BLEEP]
WHERE WOULD YOUR POO-POOS GO?
[ BLOWS ]
THEY WOULD BACK UP, FIRST INTO
YOUR LOWER INTESTINE...
THEN THE SMALL INTESTINE...
THE COLON, THE STOMACH...
EXPANDING UND EXPANDING UNTIL...
[ POP ]
>> Jared: AAH!
>> ...AH!
YOU'RE IN A WORLD OF [BLEEP]
>> Jared: YIKES! WHAT DO WE DO?!
>> YOU MUST GO INSIDE THE
MEMBRANE UND CLEAN OUT ALL THE
TURDS!
>> Warden: UGH!
THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF
THING I PAY JARED FOR.
>> NEIN! IT MUST BE YOU!
>> Warden: HOW DO I GET THERE?
>> [ Laughing ] OH, THAT PART'S
EASY.
WE KILL YOU!
>> Warden: WHAT?! NO WAY!
>> RELAX.
IN FIVE MINUTES, WE WILL REVIVE
YOU, UND YOU WILL BE AS GOOD AS
NEW.
IT'S ALL VERY SCIENTIFIC.
>> Warden: WELL, ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU SAY SO.
>> JA! LET'S DO THIS!
>> Warden: [ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ GROANS ]
OKAY.
OKAY, HERE GOES.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
ATTENTION, RESTLESS SOULS OF
SUPERJAIL!
UH, AS MUCH AS THIS GOES AGAINST
EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN -- AND
DON'T BELIEVE IN -- I HEREBY
OFFICIALLY PARDON AND RELEASE
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DID YOU JUST SAY YOU PARDON US?
>> Warden: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> YOU LOCK US UP TO DIE IN THAT
HUMAN MEAT GRINDER YOU CALL A
JAIL, AND YOU THINK WE'RE THE
ONES WHO NEED PARDONING?!
>> Warden: WELL, UH...
>> LET'S GET HIM, FELLAS!
>> Warden: DOC, PULL ME OUT!
PULL ME OUT!
>> Jared: IT'S BEEN ALMOST FIVE
MINUTES!
UH, SHOULDN'T WE REVIVE HIM?
>> EH, HE CAN GO ANOTHER MINUTE.
>> Warden: WAAAH!
OOH! AAH!
>> [ SMACKS LIPS ]
[ PADDLES CHARGING ]
CLEAR.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
>> YIKES!
WELL, AUF WIEDERSEHEN!
THE DOCTOR IS OUT!
>> Jared: WAIT!
HOW DO WE STOP THIS?!
>> BEATS ME.
I'M A SCIENTIST.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN GHOSTS!
>> I'M BACK!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> [ HISSES ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
>> AAH!
>> YEAH!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> Jared: W-W-WARDEN!
ARE YOU OKAY?!
>> Warden: [ PANTING ]
[ GROANS ]
OH, GREAT.
>> I THOUGHT THEY'D NEVER LEAVE.
>> Warden: WHO ARE YOU?
>> CHETZOLPOCOTLAN, BUT YOU CAN
CALL ME "CHET."
YOU'RE THE WARDEN, RIGHT?
I GOT TO TELL YOU -- BIG FAN.
>> Warden: AAH!
>> MAN, I THOUGHT I WAS GOOD AT
HUMAN SACRIFICE, BUT YOU --
>> Warden: LOOK, I-I'M
FLATTERED, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT
BE THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEM
HERE.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE KIND OF,
UH, BLOCKING THE FIRE EXIT, IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> WHOA-HO! LOOK AT THAT.
SUPERJAIL JUST PACKS 'EM IN.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
[ HORSES WHINNY ]
>> [ CACKLES ]
>> AAH!
[ BOTH GASP ]
[ BOTH CRY ]
>> Jared: NO!
DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, SIR!
H-HELP ME, YOU GUYS!
[ ALL SCREAM ]
CLEAR!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
>> I GUESS I'M JUST AFRAID.
I MUST'VE PISSED OFF THE GODS
SOMETHING AWFUL, BECAUSE THEY
SENT THOSE CONQUISTADOR JERKS
AND ALL THOSE VOLCANOES.
WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY HAVE WAITING
FOR ME ON THE OTHER SIDE?
>> Warden: NONE OF US DO, BUDDY,
BUT WE ALL GOT TO GO SOMETIME.
>> Jared: WARDEN! WARDEN!
>> HO-HO!
CHECK OUT THE CABEZA ON THAT
LITTLE GUY.
>> Warden: I KNOW, RIGHT?
IT'S FREAKY BIG!
>> Jared: HEY!
>> WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS IN
THE BEHEADING RACKET?
MELON THAT SIZE COULD HAVE
APPEASED THE HELL OUT OF THE
GODS!
HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEHEADED HIM
YET?
>> Warden: BELIEVE ME, I ASK
MYSELF THAT EVERY DAY.
>> Jared: WHO IS THIS GUY?!
>> OH, HE'S THIS 1,000-YEAR-OLD
PRIEST GUY WHO USED TO RUN
SUPERJAIL WHEN IT WAS A TEMPLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> Jared: I-I WAS TRYING TO SAVE
YOU!
BUT I ELECTROCUTED MYSELF.
>> Warden: GREAT WORK AS USUAL,
JARED.
>> YEAH.
THAT'S USING YOUR HEAD.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> Jared: OH, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW
I USE MY HEAD!
>> OH, HEY! WHOA!
[ WIND GUSTING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ MID-TEMPO INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOT YET.
>> Warden: JARED...
[ COUGHS ]
>> Jared: [ GROANS ]
>> Warden: ...WHY ARE YOU ON TOP
OF ME?
>> Jared: WHY DOES YOUR BREATH
SMELL LIKE YOU BRUSHED YOUR
TEETH WITH DEAD PEOPLE?
>> Alice: WELL, THIS HOUSE IS
CLEAN.
[ BIRDS CHIRP ]
[ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]
>> OH!
>> IS THIS HEAVEN?
[ ALL SCREAM ]
>> Warden: AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE
ALIVE!