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It doesn't seem to matter that the Prime minister isn't in the country, off flogging killing
devices to previously supplicant nations that will soon overcome us with their spending
power and we'll wish we hadn't made such a fuss about them coming over here not so long
ago, and stealing our jobs/culture, language, wo... no we're well past that now. It seems
the leader of our nation is needed here at home just about as much as I am, not that
anyone would miss me if I went off to Asia as the frontman for our national tourist industry,
or had a go at egging on foreign governments to buy a nulcear submarine or two to keep
our own economy above water. Actually I'd probably get arrested and treated like Julian
Lasange the Australian wikileaker wanted in norway and the united states who is presently
an ecuadorian embassy resident in the UK. He may well soon come acropper of the new
universal benefit cap coming in in April - he could be chucked out his third floor embassy
window faster than an unwanted guest at a peter doherty crack party! - may I suggest
you take notes so you can search out all these allusions to real events once you get back
home.
Hom is... fill in the blank, a place I'd rather be, wherever I lay my hat, where nothing ever
happens, or a city smack dab in the centre of syria where all the real action is taking
place Where the arab spring has dried up and become
the more recognizable arab desert.
Which is a reminder of how extra ordinary language becomes common place what orwell
once described as newspeak: arab springs as opposed to deserts, opposition forces as opposed
to terrorists, robin hoods as opposed to diamond thieves, nurses as opposed to care assistants,
who's going to notice? Friendly fire as opposed to blue on blue,
Everything once used to give parameters to international conflicts has to be adjusted
now and again.
What I mean in terms of vocabulary, is that which sounds odd but which quickly becomes
ubiquitous - like the word ubiquitous in fact, but you know? when you hear a word like 'redacted'
and it sounds like a stage direction for commmunists, or something you do with a clown nose to inspire
donations for comic relief, where in a parallel universe starving children are fed one liners
by stand up comics who would otherwise be 'resting' between gigs, or sitting down for
a bit as one wag put it to me, by wag I now mean a wife and/or girlfriend of an athletic
genius someone who is an anatomic jock strapped OCD oddity who finally decides to bring out
his own line of underwear at the age of 39 someone who is largely famous for having been
sent off in a world cup, or for tattooing his children to the nape of his neck, or marrying
a person who believes smiling causes cancer. she in fact is a wag done good, and over time
the world has learned to love her, the way they learned to love Yoko Ono because eventually
wags just like avante garde artists become institutions if they can avoid being institutionalized,
that's more like gazza, not the strip, I mean- paul gasgoigne, who only saw the outside of
a pub long enough to be photographed before being redacted himself and put on the first
plane to a rehab clinic in the states where, when introduced to him, everyone says 'gazza
who'? so he has to carry around a smart phone with that video of him crying at the world
cup on a loop, and no one can understand a word of what he says either " whey aye man! Avv coom o'a fa a
bit oo ar and argh? Pisspoort? Aw hen ah din't ken wor needed a pisspoort like!"
In other news today, sylvia plath published a book 50 years ago, a princess challenged
a historian to a nude mudwrestling match, but it's been put off as the princess is not
only pregnant, but shes also not a real princess, and the historian has won too many prizes
already, and doesn't want to lose them in a championship bout. Truth is, the historian
is getting rubbished in the press because she doesn't look like a princess, and the
princess is getting rubbished throughout history because she DOES look like a princess...
If any of it made any sense we'd all be in deep do doo.
So thank your lucky stars that they and the rest of the universe is accelerating away
from everything else in the rest of the universe ever faster and ever forever, which is more
time than we've got here, so let me nuts and bolt this one into a cattle prod kind of metaphor
for you. We are in the biggest and slow motion-est galactic explosion ever!
There, that should calm a few nerves over at the live mayan calendar watch headquarters.
Don't worry its just a joke! The world is not about to end, and the Tom Cruise Jack
Reacher franchise will continue, just like die hard did for bruce willis. tom and his
retirement package film series will fill column inches for years. Which proves some good things
do come out of scientology - like the definition of the word " cult" for example.
In other news the pope has resigned himself to his fate, and the church for that matter,
he propbably wants to be able to spend more time on his faith. Rumours abound that he
quit before he got supoenaed to explain why those priests who were predators didn't get
turned over to the cops to begin with. Also he remembers having to change the previous
pope's incontinence pads and they had to get a carpenter in - no not that one - to make
a hole in the papal throne so a pope can sit there for hours and bless people between their
legs without having to go to the bathroom.
Which is something to avoid doing in South Africa apparently,
Oscar Pistorius once a household name for the paralympics and south african athletics
( is it coz I is white?) has become synonymous with shooting at people locked in toilet cubicles
- Mind you cublicles in japan have seat warmers, and volume controls so it sounds like its
flushing the whole time you're in there to hide the squirts and squelches that no one
I mean really no one! deserves to hear. Some call it overcompensating but hey, that's what
you get for inventing a society that evolved walls made of paper.
And now its time for the scores: unemployment down, jobs up! Salaries down, tuition fees
up, exchange rates down, energy rates up! Tax credits down, pension age up, interest
rates down, bankers bonuses up, arsenal down, arsene wenger off...
And now its time for a station ident, so we'll be right back after this:
You're listening to some crap on the radio read out by some idiot who knows nothing about
what he's talking about!
That seems... a little unfair?
I should coco mate, I wrote the bleedin script!
Ah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that...
Just get on with it you great ape, stop monkeying around with your king kong sized 'lovey' ego
and do what any self respecting trained chimp would do, besides tetley adverts obviously
- unless you want to end up in the food chain like ed the talking horse! -EX!
Right then, back to the news of the day. A flash mob lobby has formed in the lobby of
the vatican, where protesters are seeking to have christiano ronaldo elected pope saying
he is a direct dewscendant of christ as proved by his christian name - innit? - does exactly
what it says on the tin, and he can make any defense look stupid, which might come in handy
when up against charges of covering up child abuse scandals. meanwhile rumours are still
unconfirmed that cosmetic surgery for older priests is being paid for out of Sunday school
collection tins.
That could happen right?
Ronaldo refused to comment as he kicked a ball around his mansion apart from insisting
we speak to his agent, and in portugese, just to make the point, so the jury is still out
on that one as it is in the case of Chris huhne's ex Mrs. Huhne. The jury asked the
judge to clarify what is reasonable doubt is anyway, to which the judge replied 'it
is a doubt that is reasonable!" and prompty threw them out for making an *** of the law,
the huhnes, and -come to think of it - speed cameras.
A large percentage of the population that can be bothered to do polls said that was
good, we don't want tax on fuel and we're willing to kill for our beliefs! yet the same
poll found the same people were so busy trying to blow up europe that they didn't notice
how Vat went up from 15% to 20% making everything cost loads more, not just getting around,
but once we leave europe we wont have to get around half as much as we do in europe because
we wont have to go all the way over there so much anymore for one thing, and we can
focuse our job creation skills on digging up our island and moving it further out into
the atlantic to get away from all those funny foreigners who are hoping not to have another
full scale war that kills millions of themselves, russians, and loads of other people too who
don't even live there - like people in hawaii!
And now something from our cultural editor, Andrew Still:
This poem is called "Ministry of Humour"
The politician had in his head Something jotted down
It was a joke he meant to tell To his friend the circus clown
The clown was busy practicing His unicycle ride
He thought the joke was rather crude And said so to his wife
Mrs. Clown said with a frown "that's no joke at all!
It's just a promise made in spring That will be broke before the fall!"
"I'll tell my mate, the well known witch of this unfunny man
perhaps a charm she'll cast his way to foil his punning clan...?"
The witch was next to hear the joke And wasn't very pleased
"I'll tell the priest, if not police - this bad humour must be ceased!"
The media got a hold of it And made a headline of the joke
"Her Majesty says she's much dismayed" said some spokesperson sort of bloke
with horses found in iceland and pork in halal burgers
with the poor and disabled put upon "It is no joke!" said the social service
"It qualifies as more than bad, for we are all it's butts
a joke like this has no punch to line it insults everyone - including us!"
the politican was rather vexed at this reaction to his quip
"Its all the fault of that unpaid intern Someone see that he is whipped!"
To which his staff then turned about To set the fellow straight
"We're all un paid you expensive lout!" And called him such an ingrate!
But luckily the worst was not the things he'd said in jest
his joke was quickly overtook By the whole government being such a mess!
For all parliaments likes to stand upon the shoulders of the poor
and at the expense of bottom dwellers they'll dine out forever more.
14-2-13 md
So there's only one thing for it ladies and gentlemen of the listening age, we are tuning
in and dropping off, I mean out, and getting ready for the next installment of splash,
the reality diving tv show, so get your fingers on your phone ready to text your answer to
this question: should tom daley shave his legs like all the cyclists do? Yeah or nay?
Its up to you, democracy is alive and well, although it seems to have got lost down the
back of the armchair.
And with that in mind it is time to bid a fairwell fondu to this and all things cheesey.
My name is mac dunlop, and who knows what's coming next.
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