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Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
This is the perfect combination
of people, just the way it is.
And hello to you at home!
I'm glad you're all here, and I'm glad to have
our White Man at a Desk, Mather, back at his post. Mather.
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Desk the halls with boughs of Sarah. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I missed that guy.
- Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laugh!
(audience laughs)
- Yes, right, thank you. Good to have you back, buddy.
Hey, it's Christmas time, my favorite time of year,
which happens every year on Jesus's birthday.
Happy birthday, Jesus.
We love you.
(audience applauding and cheering)
It's also War on Christmas time,
as our fearful leader reminds us.
- We're getting near to that beautiful Christmas season
that people don't talk about anymore.
(audience laughs)
They don't use the word, 'Christmas,'
'cause it's not politically-correct.
Well, guess what.
We're saying, "Merry Christmas," again.
(audience cheering)
- You mean again, like, since 348 days ago?
(audience laughs)
Again since last Christmastime?
I don't understand.
I really am trying to be open on this show, and do my best
to find common ground, but I have to call colossal bulls***
on this War on Christmas stuff.
(audience laughs)
For those of you who are new to manufactured wars,
(audience laughs) The War on Christmas-
(chuckles) the War on Christmas is
a complete fabrication invented by agenda-driven outlets
like Fox News and Steve Bannon's Breitbart to usher
people toward their natural inclination to hate Jews
and Muslims or atheists or any non-Christians,
and render us further divided and therefore malleable.
I squeaked on that.
I said, "Malleable."
(audience laughs)
Sorry, I have a little cold so I'm sounding
a little bit like Sarah Silverman.
(audience laughs)
Okay, let's break down this War on Christmas.
And, to my friends at Fox News and Breitbart
and the Media Research Center and Newsbusters and The Blaze
and all the real news outlets covering this devastating war,
(audience laughs)
when you write your weekly don't-think-piece
on my monologue, gluing together words and phrases
that fit your narrative, include this next part:
What is it about Christmas
that you think that Jews hate?
(audience laughs)
The no traffic?
(audience laughs)
The vacation days, the gorgeous lights lining the streets
and the houses and the shopping squares? The carolers?
Do you think we hate the giant spike in retail?
(audience laughs and applauds)
You're really muddying the stereotype here.
So now it's the greedy merchant Jew that hates making money?
(audience laughs) I don't understand.
What else do the Jews hate about this beautiful holiday?
Is it the empty movie theaters and myriad Chinese food options?
Is it the royalty checks on every Christmas song?
(audience laughs)
You know all the classic Christmas songs you love?
Jews wrote them, all of them.
Okay, be honest, Sarah, not all of them,
just Winter Wonderland and Let It Snow and Silver Bells,
and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
and, oh, I'll Be Home for Christmas
and White Christmas and Most Wonderful Time
of the Year and The Christmas Song.
(audience laughs)
Oh, and You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
and Holly Jolly Christmas and Santa Baby
and Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
and Little Drummer Boy, but that's it.
Just kidding, there are a zillion more.
(audience applauds)
Christmas songs are in our blood, baby!
Like, I could write one right off the top of my motherf*****' head right now.
(audience laughs)
♪ Tinsel falling off the branches of the tree ♪
♪ Christmas trees lining all the way ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ A piano plays a Christmas song ♪
♪ While the tree is there ♪
♪ Decorated with spangles ♪
♪ And ornaments around on the tree ♪
♪ With an angel on the top ♪
♪ Of the tree ♪
♪ And underneath the tree are presents ♪
♪ Presents for the kids ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Presents for Ma and Pa ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ And underneath the tree's another tree ♪
(audience laughs and applauds)
♪ It's trees all the way down ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Trees forever, trees for Mather, trees ♪
I just pulled that literally out of my ***.
I could've kept going, I stopped.
(audience applauding and cheering)
I'm gonna call that Christmas Nights.
Every year- That was pretty good.
I really could've gone on and on.
(audience laughs)
Every year, there is some sort of new thing
that is trotted out by conservative media to support their pretend War on Christmas,
which leads us to the saga of the Starbucks coffee cup.
First it was just plain red, which is
apparently a total affront to Christianity.
(audience laughs)
Then they had like a winter motif,
which made them very angry because there were
no specific-to-Christmas symbols on it.
(audience laughs)
I mean, really, what do you need?
Like, what will make you happy?
Really, I want to do anything,
like a bleeding Jesus on a cross on the cup?
(audience laughs)
Maybe a closeup of Mary crowning?
(audience laughs)
Guys, it's just coffee, you know?
It's the stuff that you drink to make yourself s*** in the morning.
(audience laughs)
So anyway, this year Starbucks did give in
and decorated the cup with Christmas trees and presents.
And they even doubled down and added
a new drink called a Christmas Tree Frappuccino.
And you wanna know what I think about it?
It's f****** delicious.
(audience laughs)
And like a Christmas miracle, they still found
a new thing to be very angry about
in the form of possibly gay hands!
(audience laughs)
Hey, loud, homophobic, wildly-un-Jesus-like,
hate-fueled, fringe Christians,
you're bumming everybody out. Especially, I would imagine,
the majority of Christians in this country.
You know, I grew up in a Christian town
in a Christian state, and my friends were Christian,
and most of the Christians I know are really about
love and inclusivity and are wildly comfortable
with hands of any *** orientation.
(audience laughs)
When did companies like Starbucks
become the nation's religious moral compass?
Like, when did people start saying, "You know,
I don't really believe in Starbucks' message anymore,
but I still take the kids there every Sunday for the community of it."
(audience laughs)
Starbucks is not church.
The only thing Starbucks has in common with church
is they both let people off the street
take dumps in their bathrooms, which is beautiful.
(audience laughs and applauds)
But there's never been a time when a coffee cup
or a company has prevented anyone from celebrating
Christmas or being Christian, even Starbucks.
And here's a fun fact: Starbucks' founder, Howard Schultz?
(whispers) Jewish.
(audience laughs)
So, to recap, you're mad that the Jew-store
where you get your coffee isn't Christmassy enough.
(audience laughs)
Which also begs the question:
why are their bagels so s*****?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Ooh, well, thank you.