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Hello! I'm Tannia from English Challenges, and today we're going to talk about
three signs that you suck at small talk and how to fix it.
Okay, so small talk. First, what is it? Small talk is very casual conversation
it could be with someone new like if you meet someone while you're traveling when
you're out it could be with people that you know think you're just chatting
about in between meetings for example or with friends while you're waiting for
something to start so a lot of people are intimidated by this because well
even for native speakers small talk can be a little awkward and for people who
English is not their native language it can be awkward and extra intimidating oh
don't worry today I'm going to give you tips on how
to be confident how to know who to start talking to what to say I'm going to give
you examples because with small talk I recommend preparation and that's what
today will be are you ready okay so the first sign that you suck at small talk
is that you maybe you want to talk to people or you need to because if you're
at a work event or you're at a social event but you don't know how to start so
the first thing you want to do if you're lucky and someone approaches you then
great you just have to continue however if you want to start small talk with
someone maybe you're standing next to them and you're feeling pressured or you
think someone's interesting and you'd love to talk to them you want to look
for body language cues and what I mean by that is if two people are talking to
each other and they're both facing each other completely then that means they're
probably in a private conversation and they're not open to including someone
new however if two people are not facing
each other there may be a little bit open and they look relaxed then that
might be a nice opportunity to approach them and introduce yourself secondly you
want to make sure that you also read body language
so someone's standing like this or like this then physically they're closed off
which might be an indicator that they're not the best person or it's not the best
time to approach them for small talk and something that we're all guilty of is
being on your phone so if someone now because it's 2018 and this is our
default when we feel awkward look at the body language if someone's on their
phone kind of looking or just swiping up and looking around then that means that
it's probably okay to approach them but if they're typing away furiously or they
look kind of serious it means they're probably chatting or they're busy doing
something else so you want to read their body language and since you know what to
look for this will also help you be mindful of what you look like so if
you're open to conversation relax your arms if you're talking to someone open
up your body a little bit to let other people know they can join and if you're
on your phone but you want someone to talk to you make sure you're relaxed and
you look around to give people the cue that it's okay to talk to you and once
you've identified the person you want to speak with and you think okay oh I'm
ready how do you begin the good news is the simple go-to introduction is still
good and appropriate you can start with hi my name is Tonya how are you today or
hi my name is Tonya and then add something so just by starting with the
standard hi my name is and how are you in American culture at least the
question how are you today is not serious like you're not genuinely asking
like seriously how do you feel we use this as a standard introduction and we
almost always respond with oh I'm good I'm okay so once you have that kind of
relaxed standard approach then we can engage with more interesting questions
so for example okay um how do you know the host so if you're at a party then
you probably both were invited and if you don't know the person there's a good
chance that beign Oh the person or maybe somebody invited
them so this is a really good way to open up conversation with something
that's not super personal so again like hi my name is Tanya how do you know the
host and then they'll tell you and then you can tell them how you know them and
go from there let's say that you're traveling I would say hi my name is
Tanya I'm from the US where are you from it's a simple question but starting with
simple questions that are expected is a comfortable way to begin and it's easy
for you to remember if you're at a work event for example if you're networking
or at a happy hour you can say like oh hi my name is Tanya I teach English
online what do you do so again standard questions but notice that every time I
say it my body is relaxed you want to make sure that you look friendly if
you're nervous and your face is Stern you're like hi my name is Tanya I teach
English online mm-hmm that is aggressive that's a red flag to the person you're
speaking to and they're probably going to walk away hello Syed today we're
talking about small talk so now that you have their attention another tip that I
would give you is to use the formula of a compliment plus a question now you do
have to be careful about what you compliment especially depending on the
culture so I recommend complimenting something like hair accessories
personality don't compliment body parts physical like oh you're so pretty you're
so handsome you're so beautiful that can be misinterpreted and especially in a
professional setting or even in a casual setting can lead to awkward situations
however if you say something like hello I love your glasses they frame your face
so nicely can I ask where did you get them I'm looking for a new pair now that
I feel relaxed because you've complimented me and you have a question
that is comfortable for me to answer this is a nice way to then continue to
come another example could be if if the
person is talking in a group you could say something like wow you're you're
really funny you're a good speaker do you have a podcast or a YouTube channel
if you do I would love to watch it you have a great personality notice that
these are compliments about something that's not awkward I'm not saying like
wow you're really fit again like it's even if you say it in a different tone
it's just not going to come across as natural so you want to make sure that
you compliment the right thing and then ask a question okay next let's talk
about body language so we already talked about like don't stand with your arms
crossed this tends to mean like I don't want to talk to you so try to relax your
arms and your face something that I recommend is look in a mirror and
practice because a lot of people well they don't know what they look like and
a lot of times you think you look relaxed but you just look awkward so
take some time to look in the mirror relax your arms and figure out where you
need to place your hands and your arms so that you look relaxed this will
develop your muscle memory you'll remember what it feels like to look a
certain way and this will be a lot easier for you to use that position when
you're chatting the other thing is your smile there's a difference between this
when you're listening or right that other one is way too much so you want to
make sure again you practice in a mirror and see what your face looks like
because a lot of times I'll be honest your listening face probably looks bored
or angry when we're just passively listening like this like right now my
face is totally relaxed however in a social setting this
expression looks angry it looks bored even though I'm totally
listening so it will take a little while to train your face muscles to find a
position where you look engaged and interested but not overly eager
okay so now that we've gone over how to identify who to talk to for small talk
how to change our body language so that people can talk to us we've also
discovered or explored how to start the conversation your typical introduction
hi my name is how are you is great then follow with an interesting question
which leads us to number two number two is your questions are boring maybe when
you do start asking questions you're really nervous it starts sounding like
an interview I've had that happen have you ever done that where you're just
like oh interesting and then what and what did you do and how do you do that
and instead of being a relaxed conversation it sounds like a really bad
interview and again this takes time patience and practice hello for har yeah
if you're watching this live please let me know in the chat and let me know if
you feel confident with small talk in fact even if you're watching the
rebroadcast tell me in the comment section if small talk something you're
comfortable with or is it something that makes you nervous okay
so I'm back to your questions if you feel that your questions are boring or
like most people they just run out of things to well they run out of things to
say and the good news is small talk tends to be the same universally we talk
about the same topics for example weather travel work so because small
talk tends to be in these comfortable topics you can prepare prepare your
questions that way you can look up if the grammar is good you can look up
Google small talk questions that are interesting there are so many articles
with people who already have questions prepared for you and pick some of your
favorites and memorize them so let's go over a few tips my the quickest tip that
you can do is just reframe your question most of us ask yes or no questions for
example do you like to travel travel is a great topic it's absolutely
appropriate to ask about in any setting however if you ask me do you like to
travel my answer is going to be yes or no and then what right like that's a
pretty fast way to end the conversation so just by changing you can have that
topic but by changing the style of your question it can be so much more
effective for example oh I heard that you went to France recently I'd love to
go to Europe Sunday do you have any tips if I go to France so now I show that I
listen to their conversation and instead of saying something that's yes or no
I've asked them for tips and typically people are really excited to talk about
their experiences so then I would tell you yeah you know what Paris is amazing
you should definitely go in the spring blah blah blah blah so this gets someone
to open up comfortably and all you did was you kept the topic of travel but you
changed the style of the question so try to use less yes or no questions let's
try another one for example whether if you say wow the weather is really nice
today oh do you have any plans this weekend there I could just say yeah I
have plans if I'm not naturally talkative that
question doesn't really get me to open up to you so conversely you could say
wow it's so sunny this weekend I hope it stays nice for the sorry like
if you say oh it's so sunny I hope it stays nice for the weekend what do you
have planned this weekend or do you have any cool things planned
like what so instead of saying yes no do you have plans this weekend I'm asking
you what do you have planned for the weekend so then I don't answer yes or no
I would say oh I don't really have any plans I'm just relaxing or actually this
weekend I'm going out of town so you're still talking about the topic of weekend
plans and whether but by changing your and you're able to open up a
conversation and remember practice this just take your typical questions and
then try to change them so that the answer is not yes no let's see what else
we have hmm talking about work okay this one is really important because a lot of
you study English for work purposes whether it's networking so if you're out
and you ask someone what they do and let's say they say that they're a lawyer
okay so a lot of people typically ask oh okay you're a lawyer do you like your
job I mean that's really a boring question you know how many of us would
like that to be asked and it's a yes/no question yes I like my job or no not
really I don't like it that doesn't really help people feel excited to talk
to you it's a standard question it's just not a very good one so instead
something you can ask would be oh so you're a lawyer that's interesting what
about outside of work what kind of things do you like to do so now I've
valued your answer I said I listened you're a lawyer and that's interesting
but then I shifted my question to ask you about your hobbies and most people
are much more excited to talk about their hobbies not only that if you're
not a lawyer talking about hobbies increases your chance of finding
something in common maybe they love to ski and you love to ski now your
conversation naturally goes into your favorite ski resorts or maybe the
person's like oh I don't have a lot of hobbies I just enjoy reading a good book
at home and then you can ask them oh great I'm always looking for new books
have you read anything good recently that you recommend so notice how by
asking about hobbies from the work question you're opening up an
opportunity to get to know someone connect with them on a more genuine
level which if you're networking means a much better chance that you'll connect
with them professionally as well all right let me check out the comments mmm
okay yeah you know what for her that so common and by the way I apologize if
I'm mispronouncing anyone's names a lot of people have trouble with small talk
and again so oh by the way inland video notes I have a link with some prepared
questions for you in tips so if you're taking notes great and if you're not I
actually have the notes for this video already prepared for you so my biggest
tip for you is prepare your questions for general small talk memorize them
look in the mirror practice your body language and that way you'll always have
something that you're ready to talk about where am i from I'm from the
United States from a city called New Orleans let's see here confident okay
mmm missing some basic information so I would recommend check the the link that
I mentioned in the video notes and this will help you have a better idea of what
to ask and what not to ask so a big part is knowing what you're
doing maybe not well enough and how to do it better
oh great comments everyone and let me know in the comments where you're from
I'd love to get to know you as well so again I'm from the US okay so a couple
of guidelines because we're all from different cultures and if you're
speaking English as a second or third language the chances are you're probably
from a different culture than the person you're speaking with so a rule of thumb
is if they bring up a topic then it's probably okay to ask about if you're not
sure if a topic is appropriate don't ask about it but if they bring it up then
you can feel more confident in pursuing further questions or information now
small talk questions that are generally accepted as appropriate would be travel
work hobbies whether family to a certain extent and I'll get into that in a
moment things that we definitely want to stay
away from the typical religion politics anything that's a contentious topic
something that could be controversial or upsetting and for some people in some
cultures that could include sports so sports is kind of on the fence we can
either it could be a nice topic or depending on what country you're in
or what sport you're talking about that might not be the best one now going back
to the family question I find asking about family is okay if they've
mentioned it and the reason I say that II specifically future family plans like
do you want to have more children so if they say oh I have two kids
don't ask oh that's great do you want more and the reason I recommend that is
because you don't know what the other person has gone through you don't know
if they have fertility issues if it's a person or a couple who has tried to have
a baby and it's been a traumatic experience so in order to be sensitive I
like to recommend just talk about what they mention about their families so
don't ask if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend don't say are you getting
married soon yeah there are better questions to ask okay so I recommend
don't ask are you getting married soon if you don't have a boyfriend or
girlfriend why not you're great awkward are you gonna have more babies
are you going to try to have babies again sensitive topic for some families
let's be better let's think of better questions and my next tip before we get
to number three is use transition phrases now that you have good questions
to ask you also don't want to stay on the same topic so if you ask about their
work and you're sensing like okay this is about to get boring change the topic
by using transition phrases for example speaking of or that reminds me of these
are respectful ways to say okay I heard you but I'm going to talk about
something different so if somebody says oh yeah you know I'm
a lawyer and I work 80 hours a week blah blah blah you're like okay oh speaking
of hard work did you see that show about something about work right or did you
listen to to that podcast about work hours in the US and then you can talk
about cultural things or oh that reminds me my cousin's a lawyer I'm actually
visiting my cousin in Mexico next month you ever been to Mexico so notice that
by using a transition I'm being more respectful right and I and I'm allowing
the other person to go with me instead of feeling like it's random like oh yeah
I'm a lawyer you're like oh great have you been to Mexico there's no
transition it sounds like you're either very awkward or you're being a little
abrasive so transition phrases like speaking of
and that reminds me of are such a smooth way to change the topic which I
recommend you want to change it up so that it's interesting okay let me check
the comments for a moment let's see okay we've got some confident people
oh hello from a rock avoid things that are too personal definitely you want to
make sure you keep it superficial if you start feeling more comfortable and the
other person allows you to ask them personal questions because they've
mentioned it then maybe but by nature small talk is pretty superficial you
want to keep it comfortable all right next one number three so our last reason
that you probably suck at small talk is that you end conversations awkwardly I
am so guilty of this sometimes and I'm getting better at this
do you ever have that moment where okay you've asked questions and you're just
kind of like hmm now what right that was awkward
and that happens to a lot of people so there are a few tips that you can use to
end the conversation where you both feel like oh okay that was nice my first tip
to you would be to bring up something that they said and then say goodbye so
if I realize like okay I'm kind of bored or maybe you just need to go or you want
to mingle and get to know other people let's say that they told you that they
have plans to go out of town this weekend and then 10 minutes later you
could say oh well listen you know have a great time this weekend on your trip I
have to go but have a great trip bye so you're bringing up something that they
said and you're using that to exit you could also say if it was a travel
thing let's say you're in the country you're talking about travel
recommendations again 5 10 20 minutes later you're ready to go you could say
you know what thank you so much for your dinner recommendations I'll try to check
out those restaurants you mentioned have a good rest of your trip bye
so there you're respectfully using what they said before especially if it's in
the beginning bring it up and then say goodbye so that's a really nice way to
end it and again you're both happy that you had that moment now the other thing
you could do is make up an excuse for example ok well listen excuse me I have
to go find the restroom but it was so nice meeting you have a good night and
then you go or you could use another excuse of you know hey you know what it
was really nice meeting you I actually forgot I have to make a quick call but I
hope I see you again this evening have a good week if I don't bye so here you're
using an excuse to leave so if you need that then that's a nice way to do it and
again with your body language you want to remain calm and cordial and that
helps it to be it gives you a nice last impression right so then when that
person thinks of you they think oh that was a really nice time meeting so-and-so
okay so now you have three pretty simple tips on how you can be better at small
talk you know how to look for people that are open for small talk reading
body language how to use your body language to let people know that you're
open for small talk you now have some really great tips on how to start your
general introduction and then an appropriate compliment plus a question
tip number two was to prepare more interesting questions instead of saying
do you like to travel asking questions like I'd love to go to
Europe one day you know what countries have you visited what do you recommend
and you can prepare these ahead of time honestly I recommend prepare a couple of
questions for three different topics and just memorize them prepare questions for
work for travel and whether they're pretty standard and always appropriate
and the third tip was to a is it gracefully you can bring up
something that they mentioned and then say goodbye like oh well I hope you have
a beautiful trip this weekend I'll talk to you later or um I'm so sorry to
interrupt I have to actually go find the restroom but it was really nice meeting
you I'll see you later and with those three
tips hopefully you'll have some pretty good small talk experiences and if you
do let me know come back to this video and let me know in the comment section
and if you'd like a copy of the notes that I used in the examples that I
mentioned in the video check out the video notes I have it all written out
for you so you can prepare and my final thing is for those of you who don't know
if you want to become a challenger with English challenges every Sunday which is
tomorrow I send out an email with three micro challenges these five to 20-minute
activities and there are three of them and they're all about one topic so it's
a really awesome way to include English in your daily life and I have a private
Facebook group and next Saturday I'll do a video about it so those of you who are
my challenger is already they already had a full week of preparation for small
talk so that they can watch this video and practice so join us it was so nice
to meet you. As always, hit the like button so I know what kind of videos you
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And as always, check out EnglishChallenges.com for more of my
social media and great free tips and resources for you. I'll see you next week!