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>> Meredith: Alright well on another topic, I want to talk to you guys a little bit about
relationships, and um, if you think it's possible to have a sustainable relationship in college.
I think it is. I have been dating the same person since the end of high school, and he
now goes to this school as well, and we've had a good relationship. So what do you guys
think?
>> Jeff: Well how difficult has that been, though? If you're involved in things on campus,
and obviously you're a full-time student...it seems you guys have been together for four-plus
years, have you guys had rocky times? I mean has it been close?
>> Meredith: Well, he's not much younger than I am, but because of how it happened, he's
a year behind me in school. And so I was here, alone, freshman year and it was kind of like
a long-distance thing, and that was really hard, and, I mean, it was hard but at the
same time it wasn't like, well, this is too difficult, I don't want to deal with it.
>> Andreall: Well I dated somebody for five years and it was completely long-distance.
He went to school in Tennessee and I went to school here, and we are clearly no longer
dating, you know, because he should have put a ring on it by now. I mean I don't know,
I think long distance l plays a part in dating somebody, for a relationship to have longevity.
But I could also see dating somebody that's closer to you, and feeling suffocated by that
person.
>> Alex: I have to say though, Jeff, you mentioned, kind of the time that it takes. I've had a
very long-term relationship, I've been dating my boyfriend since our first semester freshman
year. So I've had a boyfriend all throughout college. And it's like taking another class.
You need to make time for that. I'm really serious. I mean, you go to your classes, you
go to your extra curriculars. I'm in a lot of extra curriculars, and it takes up so much
time. And then still at the end of the day, when you just want to crash and go to sleep,
it's like OK, gotta make time to go see the boyfriend. You know, obviously that's good.
>> Mike: I've never heard a girl say it like that, though. Most of the time it's, you know,
spend time. I've never heard a girl say that. I feel like I'm on the opposite, I'm on the
same thing though, like, having a girlfriend is like a four or five credit class. It is.
It's a great class. But it's just the fact that, like, it needs to be done. We need to
take time out, and we need to, you know, spend time with her, keep her happy. Otherwise.
>> Jeff: I agree with that. I don't like to make the equivalent to academics, and taking
an extra class.
>> Mike: It's a little more fun than that, but yeah.
>> Jeff: I mean, it is really tough. We're talking about time, right. I've had two relationships
in college but they were both very short-term. And I felt that I was running into that same
problem, you know, not being able to create sort of the time to have something meaningful,
long-term.
>> Mike: Don't have a girlfriend your freshman year, or soph....you should just wait a little
while, I think.
>> Alex: Well going off of that, though, not having a girlfriend freshman year or boyfriend
freshman year, do you guys think that, you know, having a boyfriend or girlfriend, especially
in a long-term relationship, does it kind of inhibit your social life? Does it kind
of hurt, or change, you know, the way you're going out at night and all that stuff? I think
that it does, but I don't think that it necessarily hinders it. Um, because that's obviously a
negative connotation, and you wouldn't be in a relationship if it was really that negative.
>> Andreall: Yeah, I feel like, I'm telling ya. That's the benefit of my long-distance
relationship. Because you don't have to worry about leaving class, and going and doing all
of that stuff, and then like, phew, I gotta go cash in one more time before the end of
the night. Because, you know, I would be kickin it with my friends and you gotta make the
time, like I guess over the phone, or via webcam or whatever. Um I didn't feel like
it hindered my social time, but I felt that, like my partner had expectations of what I
should have been doing. And being on the phone, it's like, well do I have to set aside three
or four hours for you? Because I really feel like we talked yesterday and you're still
alive. So I think you're Ok.
>> Alex: Nothing could have changed that drastically in that time period.
>> Mike: That's a whole other question though. I mean, that's a whole other set of obstacles.
But is it necessarily taking, hinder on your extra-curriculars? I think you have to be
with a person that understands that, you know, while in college, you're gonna have more interests
than her. And when you're in college, like, I'm twenty years old, my interest is spread
around. Like I have a lot of different interests with different organizations, so as long as
that person knows that, and she's comfortable with that, then, you know, I think that you're
fine.
>> Alex: But what about the social scenes? I mean going out on Friday, on Saturday night.
Does it make a huge difference if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean, obviously
it plays a factor, but do you feel like you're kind of getting, like, I don't know, like
you're losing something by having a boyfriend or girlfriend.
>> Meredith: I think it depends on if your boyfriend or significant other gets along
with the rest of your friends. I mean if they don't, or, you know, they don't want you hanging
out with the rest of your friends, you're gonna have some issues.
>> Jeff: And it's a lot easier if you're in the same social circles. If you share friends...
>> Alex: That can also be really bad. That can be horrible.
>> Mike: Yeah, if you two get into a fight, that's gonna be an awkward night.
>> Jeff: Well still, you can make the argument that that wouldn't hinder your social experience,
right?
>> Mike: If you break up, whose gonna get the friends? Whose gonna get the bar? Whose
gonna get your favorite restaurant?
>> Jeff: Well that's a separate question.
>> Andreall: Well I think, on another note for this whole thing, you have to have respect....
>> Alex: That freaks me out.
>> Andreall: Well, I mean, lets think about this. Do you think that students here on campus take ***
safety and *** health seriously? As far as, I have some friends who say, it's just
an awkward moment when you have to ask the guy to, you know, use protection. My momma
always said that, well, if they can ask you to get the goods, well then you can ask them
to use protection. So do you think students take ***, you know, experiences seriously?
>> Meredith: I think people do. People who I have encountered on campus and people that
I know, they all take it really seriously. However, I will say, I think that some people
on this campus take some of the resources that we have for granted. Like Plan B, things
like that. And they're promiscuous, and they're like, well I have drugs to fall back on.
>> Alex: That is so unhealthy. I mean, people who aren't on birth control but are sexually
active, and then they're relying on Plan B to make sure, you know, that they end up OK?
That's just not the right way to go about it.
>> Mike: That's the way the world is changing, though, I think. People are becoming so comfortable,
and we're so used to that, that, you know, other people, that's what they know. But as
far as safe sex or whatever, I don't know how people could think not to use it in 2009.
It's everywhere.
>> Andreall: And AIDS is everywhere.
>> Mike: And condoms on this campus, they're everywhere. I really don't think there's an
excuse. They're cheap to get. It's not like they're really expensive.
>> Andreall: They're free to get. Your student fees are paying for you to have bundles and
bundles of condoms, OK.
>> Alex: And amazing Sex Ed through a bunch of different programs our campus offers.
>> Jeff: At the same time, there will always be some segment of the population that will,
you know, not engage in healthy *** activities. I think you're going to have that wherever
you go. But I think UW-Madison does a pretty good job.
>> Andreall: I think that students who participate in sex, *** activities, and are unprotected
or you know, have malicious intent....you know, because I know some kids who are like,
well I've got this but I'm not gonna tell my partner. I don't think that's right. We
talked about this in a class that we just had recently.
>> Alex: Oh my goodness.
>> Andreall: Like, if you had something, would you tell a one night stand that you had something?
Some people feel like that's not their business. But I think that's practicing poor ***
health.
>> Alex: Well if you're engaging with someone at that kind of level of intimacy, you should
be at the level, I personally believe, you should be at the level where you're comfortable
telling them that kind of stuff.
>> Mike: That's just selfish, too.
>> Alex: So selfish.
>> Mike: That's only taking your own feelings into consideration.
>> Andreall: And that's right, because you're not giving a person the chance, or the option
to protect their own *** health. But do you think it's either person's, you know....
>> Mike: Well OK, another option that there is to safe sex is abstinence. So I'm going
to put out the question- do you think abstinence is a viable option here on campus? For me
personally, I think that abstinence, it's an option, but is it practical? I don't think
so. We're human. We're in college.
>> Andreall: We're human? So we've got to be just getting it on?
>> Mike: The flesh is weak. That's all I'm saying. The flesh is weak.
>> Andreall: Excuse me.
>> Mike: That's what people, you know...most people that I know who are abstinent, they
do it as a religious type thing. And most people on this campus, like the people I've
met at least, the people are not that religious. So to use abstinence, it's not that viable.
I don't think.
>> Andreall: I think it's about self-control. It's definitely possible. And I feel...me
personally, being in a college setting, that you don't have the same pressures that you
have in high school. Like, oh you didn't do it, you aren't getting any, you know. In college
it's just like, hey, if you're not doing it, that's your business. If you are, you are.
>> Alex: Definitely. People are so much more open-minded, I think, in college about it.
And much more respectful, I think.
>> Meredith: Like you said, I think it is a viable option. And I will give you that
it does have a lot to do with your moral or your religious background, um, you know, because
the people I know, you know, who practice abstinence are religious. And not super bible-beating
religious, but it's just part of their morals.
>> Jeff: And I think it's easier for people who practice abstinence because they tend
to be around people who are also practicing abstinence, right. And that sort of hinges
on religious communities. I have a few friends who practice it, and have social support within
their communities.
>> Alex: I do think though, that politically, its unrealistic and I think it's ineffective
for politicians, you know, looking at the last eight years, to only be supporting education
and *** education through abstinence. I don't think that's realistic. And I really
don't think that it's, you know, obviously appealing to our generation.
>> Andreall: Yeah, and I think a lot of people fall back on, it's either you're having sex
or you're abstinent. And a lot of times there's this huge grey area where people are participating
in *** activity, partly or maybe with themselves and having safe, enjoyable, *** experiences
and they've found, you know, alternative methods to not participate in the actual act of sex
with another person.
>> Meredith: And I think the resources that are on campus that teach about sex, and safe
sex, they do a good job of that option, too.
>> Alex: So talking about sexuality on campus, obviously we need to address the LGBTQ community,
is that what it is now? UW-Madison I think is pretty much known for being a progressive
and open-minded school. Do you guys think that it's possible, and that it's a comfortable
place, for gay people to come out on our campus? I personally do. I think we're in an atmosphere
that's so open-minded that, I would hope, people are going to feel comfortable here
and they're going to feel accepted and able to find a place.
>> Andreall: I think also that our campus is a really good place for people to come
out in this environment, for people to feel accepted and that they have a lot of resources.
Because here we have a lot of student organizations and I know, working in housing, I've worked
with some of the organizations. Right now at the union we have the LGTBQ center and
they have a lot of resources as far as books, and as far as *** education. They do a
lot of programming on campus too, to get students aware. And they have QPOC, too, which is ***
People of Color, for students of color who feel that they might not be a part of the
mainstream LGTB community. They can also participate in things with QPOC.
>> Mike: See, I've never heard of that. I understand that the university has resources,
like we have the LGTB center here, but what about socially, is that acceptable. Like if
you come out to your group of friends here, especially in a group of people when there's
not that many of us. Like if you come out, you're definitely differentiating yourself
as the minority already. So who else do you have to be with.
>> Meredith: I think college, in general, is a much more open and accepting environment
to come out like this. I know a friend who didn't come out until after high school. And,
um, they didn't come to this campus, they went to another I would say equally liberal
if not more liberal campus. There is obviously testament that college is more accepting,
because there are so many more groups of people. And it's such a giant change from a small
high school.
>> Jeff: I think the college community, the campus community, is very tolerant, for people
to come out here among their friends. But that doesn't mean that they still don't, that
they aren't forced to talk to their parents back at home, right. Oftentimes, I think maybe
that's the reason people are more comfortable coming out on campus, is because their immediate
community is among people who are more socially accepting. But they still need to come out
to folks back home who may be more traditional.
>> Alex: I think that coming out, too, obviously like you said, um, you differentiate yourself
from your friends. And kind of pointing out, obviously pointing out, a difference. But
I would hope that if you're coming out with your friends, they're close enough to you
that you feel comfortable doing so.
>> Mike: Yeah, they wouldn't dump you to the side or anything like that. Okay, well lets
talk about the topic of interracial dating. Do you guys think it's an issue here on campus?
Is it accepted, or is it really frowned upon? For me personally, I think that interracial
dating, it's gone so media now that it's OK. You see movies like Something New and I think
it's Ok for a black woman to date a white man, but it's frowned upon on this campus
for a black man to date outside of his race, I think.
>> Andreall: It's not just on this campus, no.
>> Mike: It's not just on this campus. You're right. It's socially. But this campus is what
I immediately know, so that's what I'm going to immediately talk about.
>> Meredith: Why do you think that is, though?
>> Andreall: I mean OK, come on now. Realistically, on this campus, it's about fifteen white women
to every African-American man. There are about 5 to 6 African-American women to every African-American
man. Now, if my pool is so small, that I gotta try to...I mean, and the one thing about dating
in our community is that if I date Mike, then I can't date none of Mike's friends. So that
just cut me off from like fifteen people.
>> Alex: The pool is shrinking
>> Andreall: And it's not just within a social circle. I mean, within the Madison community
I've seen plenty interracial couples and children.
>> Mike: Definitely. In Madison, and on this campus. Like, most of the people here that
I know aren't from Madison. Like, Milwaukee, Chicago, LA, Memphis.
>> Andreall: I don't know, I guess as far as me, I think it goes both ways. I don't
think that it is accepted either way within the larger community of black women dating
white men. I mean, I've been trying to get at Jeff this whole time. And Jeff ain't bit.
I don't know. I guess I don't see the acceptability in a black woman dating a white man. It's
like there's this power struggle that exists within the black/white relationship that I
think plays a big factor in interracial dating.
>> Alex: And right now we're only talking about black and white, but I have a friend
who was dating an Asian man, and she stressed this, and she had some serious issues with
it, that she would get stared at in grocery stores when they would be holding hands. She
said she got really bad looks. And not so much on campus, but when they went off campus
together, people seemed to be a bit more closed-minded about it. And it really disappointed her.
I mean, we're in 2009, come on.
>> Mike: But it wasn't that long ago that she would get arrested for that. It wasn't
that long ago that people went to jail for even looking at a white woman. You can bring
up Emmett Till, you know. He got brutally murdered, I believe, for whistling at a white
woman.
>> Andreall: And he was a little kid.
>> Mike: Yeah, like thirteen years old.
>> Jeff: Ok, so I'm going to kick things off here. We've been talking about relationships.
We all attend UW-Madison. I think a fair question is, how difficult is it to meet someone on
campus? Personally, despite a really large student population - over forty thousand
- I think sometimes it can be kind of tough to find someone who is like you and who you
enjoy interacting with.
>> Alex: I agree. I think you need to really make a conscious effort to get outside of
your comfort zone, to not go to the same bars, to the same parties every single night, and
hang out with the exact same group of people. And I would say, though, it is possible. If
you really do make that effort, if you, you know, have a girls night and you go to someplace
you've never been - maybe by the capital or something - you can meet new people. You just
have to really push for it.
>> Andreall: I feel like I would disagree. Because in our community, like, if I'm going
to limit myself - I'll put it like that, because somebody out there is going to say, well she's
limiting herself - if I limit myself to African-American men, it's really *** this campus. Especially
because I'm twenty two, so it's gonna be harder when all the new students are coming in who
are eighteen and nineteen, and all the ones who are my age....
>> Mike: Go get 'em.
>> Andreall: I can't be a cougar this early on in life.
>> Jeff: I find it easier to meet someone, though, when I'm not trying. People come along
when you're not actively looking for something. I have a lot of friends who kind of obsess
about finding a partner. And they don't. Because I think they're actively searching all of
the time.
>> Mike: Right, some people are so anxious. Some people come to college like, I need to
find my husband. And when I hear stuff like that, it's like, wow, love finds you when
you're not looking for it. That's when love will really find you. But as far as finding
a relationship on this campus, though, I definitely agree with Dre. In this campus, in our community,
once you date someone, it's pretty much a wrap on them, and their circle too. And there's
not that many circles to go around, you know.
>> Andreall: There are some girls who do not let that limit them. Just because the group
is little...
>> Mike: Yeah but do you want to date them?
>> Meredith: OK but like you were saying. People who actively go out and seek, I think
some people, a lot of times, a lot of people I know who go out and do that, they end up
settling. It's like, it's OK, it's good enough. I'm comfortable, we'll just kind of stay.
Stay like this.
>> Andreall: That's when you get bored and you start doing stuff you ain't got no business...
>> Meredith: I think that's a problem for a lot of people.
>> Alex: I think what you guys were saying with the circles, though, that's definitely
an issue in the Greek system as well. You go out, and everybody knows somebody who hooked
up with somebody. And you can't date them, because that person hooked up with that person.
And it's just a big cyclical problem.
>> Jeff: Incestuous. Ok. Moving on. We're gonna do famous final words. We're going to
start things off with - what is a good age to get married?
>> Meredith: I think when you're both comfortable, and in a place where you can live comfortably.
Somewhere where it's not gonna put a whole lot of strain on your relationship.
>> Jeff: I'm gonna say 30. For me, I think 30 is a good age. It gives you time to explore,
graduate school, do other things.
>> Alex: I think it's important to wait until you're out of your younger twenties. Because
people change so much during that time period. I think late 20s - 28, 29 - that would be
ideal. But at the same time, if you're in a relationship, you're not gonna say, we've
been in a relationship for ten years but I'm not twenty nine yet, so...
>> Alex: Well if by that time...
>> Mike: Well why that number limit? People always say, oh we've been dating for six years,
we need to get married. For me personally, I'd like to get married at 25 or 26, because
I want to have kids around that age. That way I'm not real old, I can still play with
my kids, I can teach them how to...
>> Meredith: Because by 30, you just can't walk anymore.
>> Jeff: I'm going to be walking until I'm 100. Bar scene.
>> Andreall: See I don't even drink. But maybe if I started to...not drink, maybe if I started
going to bars, I might find a partner. But I'm not going to be actively looking, because
I ain't thirsty, Ok? I'm fabulous.
>> Meredith: I think they all have different personalities, I guess. Like different bars
you go to, they al have different reputations.
>> Jeff: What about friends with benefits?
>> Mike: No. Just no.
>> Meredith: Horrible idea.
>> Alex: When does that ever work? Please.
>> Mike: You can't be in that grey area.
>> Andreall: People get jealous.
>> Mike: Yeah, people get jealous. I just think, No.
>> Alex: You would really only be able to see that person when you were using the benefits
part. If you see them otherwise, you're expecting them to act a certain way. And that's unrealistic.
>> Mike: Yeah, you see them walking down the street with somebody else, and you get real
mad. It's not gonna be nice.
>> Jeff: What about 'my ideal mate is...'
>> Andreall: Sexy. Delicious.
>> Alex: Delicious is the theme word of the day.
>> Andreall: I think we have these expectations for people, but I think, if you let people
be who they are, and you vibe with them, it may not be the person that's on your list,
but...
>> Mike: They've got to have some certain qualities. My qualities are they have to be
funny...
>> Jeff: Intelligent. Genuine.
>> Mike: Oh my god, yeah, intelligent, please. Dating a girl who is not smart is one of the
worst things on the face of the earth. Have you ever been to dinner with a girl who is
not that smart? It's the longest dinner you'll ever eat in your life.