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(Tom) HERE'S A SNEAK PEEK AT TONIGHT'S "AFV."
WE DARE YOU NOT TO LAUGH.
(cheers and applause)
(rips)
(gasps)
(child laughs)
OH!
(clanks)
(lightning crackles)
(children scream)
♪♪
WELCOME TO...
AND NOW HERE HE IS,
THE HOST OF "AFV"...
IT'S TOM BERGERON!
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, CONNER, FOR THAT LOVELY INTRODUCTION.
WELCOME TO A PARTICULARLY THRILLING "AFV."
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS TO SHARE.
I JUST ACHIEVED A PERSONAL BEST.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR ME.
THANK YOU.
HERE WE ARE,
ONLY THREE WEEKS INTO THE NEW YEAR,
I'VE ALREADY BROKEN ALL OF MY RESOLUTIONS.
BUT--BUT NOT EVERYBODY'S YEAR IS OFF TO SUCH A GREAT START,
THANKFULLY FOR US.
(man) READY?
(man) YEAH.
(Tom) THIS GUY IS
ONE KIDDIE POOL SHORT OF A SUCCESSFUL RIDE.
AAH!
OHH!
I WANT TO SHOW YOU GUYS HOW FAST THIS IS.
(whirring)
SEE THOSE THINGS SHE'S PUTTING ON THE TREADMILL?
THEY'RE HAVING A BETTER RIDE THAN SHE WILL.
OOH.
I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE
THE DOG WHO'D GET THROWN BACK.
IS THAT EVEN RECORDING? (laughing)
OH, MY GOD.
(child shouts indistinctly)
I'M BEING TONGUED BY A COW.
WE'VE ALL TASTED BEEF BEFORE.
NOW IT'S TRYING TO TASTE US BACK.
(continues laughing)
(man speaks indistinctly)
(laughs)
(continues laughing) LOOK. IT'S HILARIOUS.
(squeals)
(continues laughing)
(laughs and squeals)
(laughs)
(man speaks indistinctly)
(woman speaks indistinctly)
LEAVE IT TO MITTENS TO TURN A SCREEN DOOR
INTO A CAT DOOR.
(laughter)
(man) WHAT THE...
(man) HOLY...
BUT SHE DOESN'T GO OUT?
(man) NO, YEAH. YES, SHE DOES.
SHE DOES?
DOES SHE PUT IT BACK UP?
NO.
(men speak indistinctly)
(indistinct shouting)
(cheering)
HE SPRUNG A LEAK.
IN A MOMENT, HE'S GONNA WISH HIS GO-KART WAS A KAYAK.
OH, MY GOSH.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(chuckles) SURE.
ANYONE CAN THROW THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR
AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU DON'T CARE,
TRY WAVING YOUR LEGS IN THE AIR.
NOW THAT'S MAKING A STATEMENT.
♪♪
HIS PECS LOOK GREAT.
COULD WE GET A CLOSER LOOK AT HIS CALVES?
♪♪
(men speaking indistinctly)
NOT ONLY DOES HER SHIRT STAND OUT,
HER LEGS STICK UP.
OHH!
(laughs)
YOU'VE GOT TWO PEOPLE WATCHING.
MAYBE ONE SHOULD STAND AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SLIDE?
(man speaks indistinctly)
(crying)
(laughing)
CAN YOU FEEL IT YET?
NO. (laughs)
NO.
I WON'T LET YOU GO. I PROMISE.
WHAT'S BETTER THAN TWO LEGS IN THE AIR?
HOLD ON.
FOUR LEGS IN THE WATER.
OH (bleep.)
(man) OH!
WELL, SHE DIDN'T LET GO.
(screaming)
(woman) THIS IS OUR FAT CAT.
SHE'S GETTING HER PAW NICE AND WET
SO SHE CAN CLEAN HER BOTTOM,
BECAUSE SHE CANNOT REACH HER BOTTOM.
AND THERE WE GO.
CLEAN.
(audience) OH.
CLEANING HER BOTTOM WITH HER WET PAW
BECAUSE SHE CANNOT REACH IT ON HER OWN.
♪♪
BOTTOMS UP!
♪♪
THIS IS WHERE WHITE WATER MEETS WHITE THIGHS.
(laughter)
(both laugh)
I, UH...
I-I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I'M ADDICTED TO SHOWING FUNNY DOG VIDEOS.
AND NOT JUST ONE DOG VIDEO.
ENTIRE PACKS OF DOG VIDEOS.
BUT I AM WORKING ON IT.
I'M PROUD TO SAY I'M DOWN TO ABOUT A PACK A DAY,
AND HERE IT IS.
(barks)
WHEN THE BALLOON GETS POPPED, HIS MIND GETS BLOWN.
(pops)
(woman) OH! (laughs) WHERE'D IT GO?
WHERE'D IT GO?
WHERE'S THE BALL? WHERE'D IT GO?
(woman) LILLY, YOU WANT TO GO ON THE TREADMILL?
(treadmill beeps)
THERE YOU GO. GOOD GIRL.
ROCCO.
NOW THIS IS REFRESHING--
A SPOTTER WITH ACTUAL SPOTS.
(laughing)
(man) SHE'S GETTING UPSET WITH HIM.
(continues laughing)
ROCCO!
LOOK--LOOK AT HER.
HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE TREADMILL,
AND IT'S DRIVING HIM CRAZY.
(snarls)
HE WANTS HER TO COME PLAY,
AND SHE WANTS TO GO ON THE TREADMILL.
(snarls and barks)
(laughs)
(barks)
(man) GO ON, SOPHIE.
GO.
THIS MIGHT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE POOL FOR YOU,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE SOPHIE'S SIZE,
YOU NEED ONE EVEN SMALLER.
(laughs) OH, MY GOSH.
OH, MY GOSH.
LOOK AT HER.
OH, MY GOSH. (laughs)
THAT IS THE SMARTEST DOG.
(man) WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY? (laughs)
COME ON. LET'S GO.
BUDDY EITHER NEEDS A SHORTER STICK
OR A WIDER DOCK.
(laughs)
BUDDY, COME ON. LET'S GO. LET'S GET A DRINK OF WATER.
YOU WANT A TREAT?
(laughs)
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
GOOD BOY.
OKAY, BOY.
GO FETCH THE KHAKI SHORTS.
(woman) OH, GOSH. AAH!
(laughing)
♪♪
UPLOAD YOUR FUNNY VIDEO TO afv.com.
♪♪
(cheering)
WELCOME BACK.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A RECIPE--
TAKE ONE TEASPOON OF WISDOM,
A QUARTER CUP OF SARCASM,
MIX IN A DASH OF "DUH,"
AND YOU HAVE THE PERFECT RECIPE FOR A BRAND-NEW COOKING SHOW.
IT'S TIME FOR...
♪♪
(speaks indistinctly)
(speaks French)
(thuds)
OH!
OOH. CA VA?
(woman) HE'S GONNA PUT IT IN HIS HOMEMADE FRYER OVER THERE.
AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES.
I DIDN'T THINK IT'S GONNA BE ABLE TO STAY INSIDE.
SO...
WHOA!
(laughs)
I DID IT, MOMMY!
(woman) I KNOW. YOU DID GOOD.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. YOU'RE HELPING IN THE KITCHEN.
(sneezes)
(sneeze)
(laughs)
(whirring)
(indistinct shouting)
(switch clicks, whirring stops)
(cheers)
I THINK THAT, UH, IN THE FUTURE,
ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE WHO HAVE TROUBLE GROWING HAIR
SHOULD MATE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOO MUCH HAIR
TO CREATE A CIVILIZATION OF PEOPLE
WHO HAVE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF HAIR.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WOULD BE A PERFECT CIVILIZATION,
BUT THERE'D BE A LOT LESS WAXING.
(child speaks indistinctly)
(woman) DON'T CRY.
THIS IS VICTORIA'S FIRST LIP WAXING.
(laughs)
READY? PUT-- GO LIKE THIS.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
(rips)
(gasps)
(child laughing)
(gasps and laughs)
LET ME SEE. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
(gasps and laughs)
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
OW!
(woman) I THINK I WON'T EVER DO THAT.
IT DOESN'T HURT.
BUT IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S NECESSARY.
(laughs)
(laughs)
AH! (speaks indistinctly)
(laughs) IT ACTUALLY PLUCKED THE HAIR THAT TIME.
(gasping) OH, THAT'S WHY.
(laughing)
THAT'S REAL WARM.
LITTLE BIT WARM.
(woman) IT HAS TO BE WARM.
(woman) DO YOU HAVE A FILM?
OH, GOD. WE'RE DOING LITTLE STRIPS?
NO. WAIT. YEAH. I'M NOT READY.
(speaks indistinctly)
OKAY, GO, GO, GO. YOU GOTTA RIP IT OFF.
(man) ...TWO, THREE.
AAH! OW! (laughs)
OH, GOD!
LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE THE FILM.
AH!
AAH!
(laughter)
(man) THREE.
(gasps and laughs)
(man) OKAY, ONE--
AAH! (bleep)
(high-pitched voice) YOU WENT ON ONE!
(man) ONE, TWO, THREE.
(trumpets)
AH!
(man) ALL RIGHT.
NOT A DOUBLE. NO.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
NO, IT'S--IT'S NOT GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A SINGLE.
NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S GONNA BE DOUBLE.
YOU'LL BE LIKE A ***.
YOU'RE GONNA HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.
NO!
AAH!
OH, I'M LIKE A BABY.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET--
I-I--ONE TIME IS ALL YOU GET.
ONE TIME WITH THIS.
(man) UNTIL I'M DOING THE OTHER ONE.
(laughs) I'M FINE WITH ONE.
ARE YOU READY?
UH, ARE YOU READY?
(trumpets)
YOU HAVE TO-- ONE, TWO, THREE.
AAH!
JUST, HEY, DON'T EVER--AAH!
OW!
AAH!
BY THE WAY, ON NEXT WEEK'S SHOW,
THEY'RE GONNA WAX THAT BEARD RIGHT OFF HIM, TOO.
(laughs)
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DUMB CRIMINAL IN ENGLAND
WHO WAS ARRESTED ATTEMPTING TO STEAL
A STUFFED RHINOCEROS HEAD FROM A LONDON MUSEUM?
HE ALMOST GOT AWAY UNTIL POLICE
STARTED LOOKING FOR A GUY WALKING AROUND WITH...
(raised voice) A GIANT RHINOCEROS HEAD!
(laughter)
I THINK WE SHOULD SET A PLACE FOR HIM AT THE BUFFOON BUFFET.
HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR HILARITY,
BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR THE...
GENTLEMEN, YOUR TABLE IS READY.
(laughs)
THERE'S GOTTA BE A BETTER PLACE
TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE A SCOOTER.
(clanks)
(laughter)
(boy) SO BAD.
(speaks indistinctly)
(boy) GET YOUR HEAD IN. GET YOUR HEAD IN.
(boy) DO YOUR TONGUE.
PUT YOUR HEAD IN THERE.
I THINK THIS GUY IS EXPERIENCING
A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION.
AAH! AAH!
(laughter)
HERE'S WHY YOU DON'T HEAR MUCH ABOUT THE SLIP 'N LIMBO.
AWESOME!
(laughter)
(woman) YOU ALL RIGHT?
(man) MOM, HOW'D YOU DO THIS.
WELL, AT LEAST SHE'LL REMEMBER WHERE SHE PARKED.
I, UM, GOT STUCK.
(laughs)
(engine revs)
(cracks)
OOH. OOH. (laughing)
NOT ONLY DOES SHE NEED A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR,
SHE NEEDS A BRICKLAYER.
(continues laughing)
(woman) KEEP GOING.
HEY, BUDDY.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HOG THE HAMMOCK.
(woman) 15!
(boy) OH!
(laughs)
♪♪
IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE YOUR VIDEO
ON "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS,"
UPLOAD IT TO...
OR YOU CAN MAIL IT TO US AT "AFV"...
FOR FULL CONTEST RULES, LOG ON TO afv.com
OR WRITE THE ADDRESS ABOVE.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T SEND IT IN.
(cheers and applause)
♪♪
OH.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE GAME
THAT PITS CHILD AGAINST PET
FOR COMEDY QUIZ DOMINANCE.
IT'S...
♪♪
(cat meows)
(dog barks)
ROBIN AND DOUG ARE HERE.
UH, YOU'RE A FEW WEEKS AWAY
FROM YOUR 19th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY?
YES, IT'S TRUE.
SO YOU WERE MARRIED WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, IN PRESCHOOL.
YOU'RE A VERY YOUNG COUPLE.
THANK YOU.
UH, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO THAT?
YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT ONE, HONEY?
COMPROMISE.
OH.
(Robin speaks indistinctly)
YOU WERE A GROUPIE WHO SAW HIS BAND PERFORM?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S THE BEST DRUMMER IN THE WORLD.
REALLY?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
RINGO'S ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW.
(laughs)
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S HOW THIS WORKS--
YOU WATCH THESE CLIPS,
YOU TELL ME WHAT'S BEHIND THE BIG BLUE BLOBS--
EITHER A KID, A CAT, OR A CANINE.
ALL RIGHT? FIRST UP, SOMEBODY'S WORKING OUT.
(Robin laughs)
(woman speaking indistinctly)
NOW INSTANTLY IN THE AUDIENCE SOMEONE SAID "CAT"
BEHIND ME.
(woman continues speaking indistinctly)
DO NOT BE INFLUENCED BY THAT IMPULSIVE NATURE
OF THAT PERSON NECESSARILY UNLESS YOU THINK, ROBIN,
THAT IS IN FACT A CAT.
I DON'T THINK IT COULD BE A KID.
NO.
MM. PROBABLY NOT A CANINE. I'M GOING WITH CAT.
GOING WITH CAT?
I'M GOING WITH CAT.
WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO SAID CAT BACK HERE?
(laughs)
WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOUG?
I-I'M GONNA GO WITH THE CANINE.
YEAH.
AND--AND WHY DO YOU ARRIVE AT THAT?
I DON'T BELIEVE A KID OR A CAT
WOULD LET HIM DO THAT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY, WE'VE HAD A GUY, UH,
WORKING OUT WITH CATS IN THE PAST.
AH. OKAY.
SO THIS MIGHT NOT GO WELL.
UH, LET'S--LET'S SEE THEN.
(woman) THERE YOU GO.
AH! THERE YOU GO!
IS THAT A CAT?
(laughs)
ARE YOU SURE?
(laughs)
SO YOU'RE RIGHT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT. THERE YOU GO.
NO, WAIT. YOU--YOU SAID-- WHAT DID YOU--
YOU SAID CAT.
YOU--YOU SAID--
YOU SAID CAT.
I SAID CANINE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I REALLY SHOULD SHOW UP FOR THE REHEARSAL.
(both laugh)
(laughs) LET'S TRY AGAIN
WITH A GIRL DOING A NEWS REPORT FOR SCHOOL
WHILE SOMETHING IS JUMPING IN THE BACKGROUND.
"...MANTA RAYS, GRAY NURSE SHARKS,
"GREAT WHITE SHARKS, ANGELFISH,
SEA HORSES..."
OKAY. A-ALL RIGHT, ROBIN,
WHAT--WHAT DO YOU THINK, A REALLY SMALL KID OR WHAT?
(laughs) I HAVE TO GO WITH CAT AGAIN.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. AND, DOUG?
TOM, I'M GOING WITH CAT AS WELL ON THIS ONE.
SMART.
THAT'S WHAT I COULD GO FOR, TOO.
LET'S SEE.
"THE GREAT BARRIER REEF IS NEAR QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA..."
YEAH. GOOD CALL. GOOD CALL. ALL RIGHT.
"STARFISH, MANTA RAYS..."
IT IS A CAT.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW... HE'S STILL GOING.
(laughs)
HERE'S YOUR FINAL CHANCE.
LET'S SEE WHO'S COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
ALWAYS WANT TO END ON A CLASSY NOTE.
(Robin and Doug laugh)
(toilet flushes)
ALL RIGHT, THERE'S A BLOB COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM,
TRAILING SOME TOILET PAPER.
(chuckles)
ALL RIGHT. OH, UH...
MAKING A SUDDEN MOVE OFF TO THE--OFF TO THE LEFT.
THAT'S GONNA BE A KID.
MM-HMM.
NO QUESTION.
REALLY? YOU'RE THAT CONFIDENT?
REALLY?
YOU ARE?
NO.
Y-YEAH. OKAY. UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOUG?
YOU'RE SOLID ON KID?
YEAH.
REALLY? YOU BOTH--THERE'S NO DOUBT IN YOUR MINDS?
YOU'RE PLANTING SOME SEEDS OF DOUBT.
YOU ARE.
I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU WALK AWAY HAPPY.
(laughs)
GOING WITH KID?
I HAVE TO STICK WITH KID.
YEAH.
LET'S SEE. IT WOULD SEEM TO BE LOGICAL.
(tape rewinds)
(toilet flushes)
HEAR A FLUSH.
HOW MANY DOGS--A CAT!
(laughs)
A CAT WITH TOILET PAPER ON HIS...
REAR PAW.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU TRIED TO TELL US.
YOU TRIED. YOU TRIED.
HAD YOU--HAD YOU TAKEN MY HINT AND GOTTEN THAT RIGHT,
WE HAD A VALUABLE PRIZE FOR YOU.
BUT SINCE YOU DIDN'T, WE HAVE BOBBLEHEADS OF ME.
(speaks indistinctly)
THANK YOU.
HERE'S A TOM BERGERON "AFV" BOBBLEHEAD--
AWESOME.
(both laugh)
GIVE IT UP FOR ROBIN AND DOUG, WOULD YOU?
AND NOW LET'S CHECK OUT SOME CLIPS
THAT DEFY CLASSIFICATION.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT A SLIP 'N SLIDE
THAT BRINGS OUT THE LITTLE KID IN ALL OF US.
I'M SCARED!
(man) DO IT!
OH, MY GOD! THAT'S COLD!
WHEW!
I TOOK THE WHOLE THING DOWN.
(girl) WHOO!
OH!
(laughter)
(all speaking indistinctly)
THIS CLIP IS MORE FUN THAN A TOURIST FULL OF MONKEYS.
(monkeys chatter)
(screaming)
(speaking indistinctly)
(screams)
(laughs)
♪♪
IT HAPPENS IN EVERY ROCK BAND.
THE GUITAR PLAYER IS UPSTAGED BY THE FRONT MAN.
♪♪
(thuds)
(makes popping sound) NUM, NUM, NUM.
(gulps) DELICIOUS!
(pops) NUM, NUM, NUM.
(gulps) DELICIOUS!
(woman laughs)
(pops) NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM.
HE THINKS DAD IS SO FUNNY,
HE DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE AWAKE.
(man) NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM.
(gulps) DELICIOUS!
(laughs)
(woman) HE'S SO CUTE.
HE'S LAUGHING AT YOU IN HIS SLEEP.
ONE MORE TIME. ONE MORE TIME.
ALL RIGHT. LOOK.
NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM.
(gulps) DELICIOUS!
(laughs)
(laughs)
ARE THEY TRYING TO KEEP THE DOG OUT OF THE TRASH
OR TRAIN HIM TO GET UP ON THE COUNTER?
(man) ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
SETH HAS A HOVERCRAFT HERE.
HE WENT TO A SHOW IN BRANSON,
AND GRANDPA AND GRANDMA BOUGHT THIS FOR HIM,
AND HE'S GONNA DEMONSTRATE HOW IT WORKS.
AND WE'RE READY.
DON'T HIT ME.
OH, NO!
(Seth) NO!
(cheers and applause)
(chuckles) WHOO!
BOTH PEOPLE AND ANIMALS TEND TO FIT THE LABELS YOU GIVE THEM.
SO IF YOU CALL A POMERANIAN A "LAP DOG,"
HE'LL JUST WANT TO SIT IN YOUR LAP.
IF YOU CALL HIM AN "EXTREME DOG,"
HE'LL WANT TO DO SO MUCH MORE.
(dog barks)
READY TO GO, MOLLY?
(barks)
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
(metal scraping zip line)
WHOO-EE!
LOOKS EXCITING TO ME.
WONDER WHAT MOLLY THOUGHT?
OH, YEAH.
(whines)
(cheering)
♪♪
(cheers and applause)
♪♪
I LOVE THE COLORFUL NAMES OF THE OLD-TIME WRESTLERS--
GORGEOUS GEORGE, ROWDY RODDY PIPER,
MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE.
WELL, RIGHT NOW WE HAVE SOME NEWER WRESTLERS FOR YOU.
I-I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THEIR NAMES,
BUT THEY STILL MANAGE TO BE COLORFUL.
I DON'T KNOW IF WRESTLING IS FIXED,
BUT THIS RING NEEDS TO BE.
(metal clanks)
(laughter)
(woman) GO! (laughs)
(shouts indistinctly)
AAH!
(woman) OH!
NICE TRY KID.
COME BACK IN ABOUT 10 YEARS AND 300 POUNDS.
YEAH!
(indistinct shouting)
YOU KNOW IT'S A DULL MATCH
WHEN EVEN THE COMPETITORS ARE BORED.
(indistinct shouting continues)
(indistinct shouting)
YOU'LL NEVER WIN BACK YOUR TITLE
IF YOU CAN'T CLIMB BACK IN THE RING.
(cheers and laughter)
WATCH THIS WRESTLER'S HAND,
THEN TELL ME IF THIS IS STILL GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP.
(woman) ROLL HIM ON HIS BACK! THERE YOU GO.
(man) BRANDON, GET UP NOW. STAY ON HIM. STAY ON TOP OF HIM.
STAY ON TOP OF HIM! STAY ON TOP OF HIM!
STAND UP. STAND UP. STAND UP.
AAH!
STAND UP. NO, DON'T WHINE. STAND UP.
HELP ME, DADDY!
NO. STAND UP.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, RUN AWAY.
NOW ROLL ON TOP OF HIM. GET ON HIM.
GET ON HIM, BRANDON! YOU HAVE TO GET ON HIM.
(laughter)
ALL RIGHT.
TONIGHT...
WE HAVE A CLASSIC CONFRONTATION--
MAN'S BEST FRIEND TAKES ON MAN'S BEST TOOL.
(bell dings)
TONIGHT ON...
AND THE HAMMERS COME OUT SWINGING.
(clanks)
HELLO!
(man laughs)
BUT RUB-A-DUB-DUB,
IT'S A PUG ABOVE A TUB.
(laughing)
THIS PROVES IT'S BETTER TO BE THE HITTER
THAN THE HOLDER.
OW!
AND WATCH THIS CHIHUAHUA ABOVE THE WAH-WAH.
(laughter)
AS A RULE OF THUMB,
DON'T GIVE A HAMMER TO THE BABY.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S SWIMMING OR FLYING,
BUT I LOVE THAT SWEATER.
IF THE HAMMERS WANT TO WIN, THEY BETTER NAIL THIS ONE...
(speaks indistinctly)
'CAUSE THIS LAP DOG THINKS HE'S DOING LAPS.
(singsongy) HE'S SWIMMING.
(man) HE'S SWIMMING.
CAN THIS HAMMERER CATCH HIS OWN REBOUND?
(bell dings)
AND THE WINNER IS...
(bell dings)
DOGS WHO THINK THEY'RE SWIMMING.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN THE DOG PADDLERS
TAKE ON...
ON "VS."
♪♪
COACHES ARE ALWAYS ASKING PLAYERS
TO GIVE 110%.
YOU KNOW, MAKE THAT EXTRA EFFORT.
WELL, ON OUR SHOW, PEOPLE GIVE 110% ALL THE TIME.
100% OF THEIR CROTCHES, PLUS 10% OF THEIR BRAINS.
IT'S SIMPLE MATH-- A PLUS B EQUALS SEE YOU ON TV.
♪♪
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE DOING A RAIN DANCE.
♪♪
(lightning crackles)
(children screaming)
(woman) GOOD MORNING!
WHAT'S WAKIN', BACON?
(pig squeals)
(woman laughs)
(pigs snorting)
(woman) IT'S A LITTLE SAUNA.
WHAT'S MORE IMPRESSIVE--
A DOG THAT WORKS OUT ON A TREADMILL
OR A CAT THAT CONTROLS THE SPEED?
(child laughs)
(laughs)
(man) I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT CAT'S DOING THAT.
(laughs)
(laughs)
YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS...
A CHAIN REACTION.
AND BY THAT I MEAN, HER DRESS IS GETTING CAUGHT
ON THE CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK.
♪♪
THE MOST AWKWARD FIRST DATE EVER.
♪♪
(boy) YEAH?
DYLAN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR SURPRISE PARTY WORKS?
YOU JUST KNOW.
BUT I WAS PLAYING.
(people) SURPRISE!
(laughter)
(woman) WHAT ELSE IS IN THERE?
SOME PAPER?
(coos)
(laughs)
(man) ARE YOU SERIOUS?
WE'RE THREE MONTHS ALONG.
YOU GUYS ARE HAVING ANOTHER GRANDBABY.
(laughing)
(man) OH, HO! OH, WHOA.
(continues laughing)
(crying)
THERE ARE MANY REASONS PEOPLE WEAR HATS--
TO KEEP YOUR HEAD WARM, COVERING UP A BAD HAIR DAY,
OR FOR GIRLS WHO WANT FRIENDS TO SAY,
"YOU LOOK TOTALLY CUTE IN THAT HAT."
OH, YEAH. WE'RE TOTALLY ON TO YOU.
("Mexican Hat Dance" playing)
OH!
(laughs)
(brays)
(people speak indistinctly)
OH!
WANT TO SEE YOUR FUNNY VIDEO ON TV?
UPLOAD IT TO afv.com.
(cheers and applause)
ALL RIGHT. LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES.
OR BETTER YET, LET THE MOVIES COME TO US.
♪♪
(man speaks indistinctly)
OH, NO.
(woman screams)
OH, HE'S GONNA MAKE IT.
OHH. (laughs)
(woman) REMEMBER, NEVER LIE TO MOMMY.
DID YOU EAT ANY CHOCOLATE?
(speaks indistinctly)
WHAT?
DID YOU EAT ANY CHOCOLATE?
NO.
(speaks indistinctly)
(woman laughs)
(laughing)
(laughs)
(laughs)
(boy) PIE CAKE.
WHAT'S THIS?
(speaks indistinctly)
HMM?
(laughter)
LOOK AT THE-- LOOK AT THE WALL!
NO. (laughs)
(laughs)
(Greek folk music playing)
(laughs and speaks indistinctly)
(classical music playing)
(spits)
OH!
(spits)
OH! THAT'S NASTY.
(cheering)
MANY PEOPLE ARE ALLERGIC TO NUTS.
I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE FAR FEWER OF YOU
WHO ARE ALLERGIC TO PEOPLE WHO ARE NUTS,
BECAUSE IF THAT WERE THE CASE, THEN COMEDY-WISE,
THIS SHOW WOULD BE... (clicks tongue)
GUESS WHO FLUNKED OUT OF ACTION HERO SCHOOL?
YOU'VE HEARD OF FLIGHT OR FIGHT?
THIS KID FOUND A THIRD OPTION--
FLING.
(woman) THERE HE IS.
AAH!
(laughing)
(man) HIGHER.
LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA COULD TAKE A SWINGING LESSON
FROM THE BABY.
UH-HUH.
WHOA!
(laughs)
(laughs)
(speaks indistinctly)
YOU CAN TELL SHE'S NEW TO GOLF FROM HER SWING
AND FROM WHERE SHE DECIDES TO STAND.
OH!
AND NOTHING SAYS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
LIKE A FRIEND WITH A HORN.
(blows loudly on vuvuzela)
AAH!
(woman) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
AAH!
(man) WHOO!
ALL RIGHTY.
FOR TONIGHT'S "ASSIGNMENT AMERICA,"
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO DOGLINESS,
BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO GIVE YOUR DOG A BATH.
THEN WHEN YOU HAVE HIM ALL NICE AND SOAPY,
SPIKE UP HIS HAIR, SEE HOW CUTE YOU CAN MAKE HIM,
LIKE THIS.
(woman) OH, MUFFY.
YOU LOOK LIKE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
ARE YOU MAD?
(woman) YOU'RE IN THE BATHTUB.
LOOK AT THAT FUNNY HAIR.
(whining)
(laughs) IS THAT ADORABLE OR WHAT?
SO SEND US YOUR CUTE, CLEAN CANINE,
AND IT COULD DARN NEAR CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
JESS, TELL 'EM MORE.
NOW EVERYBODY'S DOG
CAN BE NAMED SPIKE.
YOUR DOG'S NEW DO
COULD NET YOU $10,000
OR EVEN $100,000.
JUST TOSS YOUR PUP IN THE TUB,
LATHER, SPIKE, AND REPEAT.
THEN UPLOAD YOUR VIDEO TO afv.com
OR YOU CAN SEND IT TO US AT "AFV"...
FOR FULL CONTEST RULES, LOG ON TO afv.com
OR WRITE THE ADDRESS ABOVE.
GIVE YOUR BEST FRIEND A BATH, AND YOU COULD END UP
WITH A LOT MORE THAN JUST A CLEAN DOG.
♪♪
OKAY. IT'S ALL BEEN FUN AND GAMES UP TO THIS POINT,
BUT IT'S TIME TO RAISE THE STAKES
AND GIVE AWAY SOME MONEY.
YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
$10,000 FOR FIRST PLACE,
$3,000 FOR SECOND, AND $2,000 FOR THIRD.
LET'S MEET TONIGHT'S CONTENDERS.
FIRST UP, A WOMAN WHO'S GOT SOMETHING TO BEEF ABOUT.
IT'S "COW LICKED LADY,"
SENT IN BY ADAM KEATH FROM SPRUCE PINE, NORTH CAROLINA.
(laughing)
WE'VE ALL TASTED BEEF BEFORE.
NOW IT'S TRYING TO TASTE US BACK.
(child squeals)
(cheers and applause)
THE NEXT VIDEO IN CONTENTION
IS A KID WHO PUTS HIS TOYS AWAY FOR GOOD.
IT'S "GUTTER CRASHED HOVERCRAFT,"
SENT IN BY THE PALEN FAMILY FROM SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI.
(man) AND WE'RE READY.
DON'T HIT ME.
OH, NO!
(Seth) NO! NO!
(cheers and applause)
AND THE FINAL CONTENDER IS ABOUT A WOMAN
WHO WASN'T EXPECTING HER DAUGHTER TO BE EXPECTING.
IT'S "ULTRASHOCKING ULTRASOUND,"
SENT IN BY THE EASLING FAMILY FROM FLANAGAN, ILLINOIS.
(woman laughs) WE'RE THREE MONTHS ALONG.
YOU GUYS ARE HAVING ANOTHER GRANDBABY.
(laughs)
(man) OH, HO! OH, WHOA.
(cheers and applause)
OKAY.
OUR AUDIENCE HAS SEEN THE THREE NOMINEES.
IT IS TIME TO VOTE... NOW.
(beeping)
AND WHILE WE TALLY THE SCORES,
IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA FOR YOU--
TONIGHT'S HONORABLE MENTIONS.
(slide whistle plays)
AAH!
(boings)
(monkeys chattering)
AAH!
(boings)
(groans)
(high-pitched scream)
(bangs)
WA-HOO!
AAH! AH!
AAH! (groans)
(applause)
ALL RIGHT. NOW THE RESULTS OF OUR VOTING.
OUR THIRD PLACE, $2,000 WINNER IS...
"GUTTER CRASHED HOVERCRAFT,"
SENT IN BY THE PALEN FAMILY FROM SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI.
(cheering)
(drumroll)
AND NOW THE WINNER OF THE $10,000
AND TONIGHT'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO IS...
"ULTRASHOCKING ULTRASOUND,"
SENT IN BY THE EASLING FAMILY FROM FLANAGAN, ILLINOIS.
(cheering)
OH, WE GOT THE WHOLE FAMILY HERE.
REBECCA, AND--AND, UH, LITTLE, UH,
LITTLE JUDAH,
WHO WAS ANNOUNCED IN--IN THAT ULTRASOUND.
BUT THE STAR HERE--HI.
HI.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE WON $10,000.
YOU'LL COME BACK FOR OUR $100,000 SHOW.
OH, MY WORD.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY--THEY CALLED THE CLIP HERE,
UH, THE PRODUCERS CALLED IT
IT WAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I CALLED IT WHEN I FIRST SAW IT?
(all laugh)
YEAH.
I REALLY LIKE THAT WALK YOU DO.
(laughs)
C-CAN WE SEE-- THAT ONE THERE.
(laughs)
HERE. STAND UP. STAND UP. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. READY? ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, GET THAT LOOK, THAT LOOK.
(laughs)
LET'S GO.
(all laughing)
CONGRATULATIONS! HERE YOU GO.
WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN ON OUR $100,000 SHOW.
(speaks inaudibly)
(cheering)
SADLY, UH, WE ARE OUT OF TIME,
AND SHE FRIGHTENED ME.
BUT THERE'S MORE SHOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM
SO COME BACK NEXT TIME.
AND REMEMBER, THIS SEASON, IF YOU SEND US A VIDEO
AND IT AIRS ON THE SHOW, WE'LL SEND YOU AN "AFV" T-SHIRT,
AND ZOMBIE GRANDMA WILL COME TO YOUR HOME.
SO UPLOAD TO US.
GET RICH. GET FAMOUS.
(zombie voice) GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
(cheers and applause)
♪♪