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CHAPTER XLIV
By the disclosure in the barn her thoughts were led anew in the direction which they
had taken more than once of late--to the distant Emminster Vicarage.
It was through her husband's parents that she had been charged to send a letter to
Clare if she desired; and to write to them direct if in difficulty.
But that sense of her having morally no claim upon him had always led Tess to
suspend her impulse to send these notes; and to the family at the Vicarage,
therefore, as to her own parents since her marriage, she was virtually non-existent.
This self-effacement in both directions had been quite in consonance with her
independent character of desiring nothing by way of favour or pity to which she was
not entitled on a fair consideration of her deserts.
She had set herself to stand or fall by her qualities, and to waive such merely
technical claims upon a strange family as had been established for her by the flimsy
fact of a member of that family, in a
season of impulse, writing his name in a church-book beside hers.
But now that she was stung to a fever by Izz's tale, there was a limit to her powers
of renunciation.
Why had her husband not written to her? He had distinctly implied that he would at
least let her know of the locality to which he had journeyed; but he had not sent a
line to notify his address.
Was he really indifferent? But was he ill?
Was it for her to make some advance?
Surely she might summon the courage of solicitude, call at the Vicarage for
intelligence, and express her grief at his silence.
If Angel's father were the good man she had heard him represented to be, he would be
able to enter into her heart-starved situation.
Her social hardships she could conceal.
To leave the farm on a week-day was not in her power; Sunday was the only possible
opportunity.
Flintcomb-Ash being in the middle of the cretaceous tableland over which no railway
had climbed as yet, it would be necessary to walk.
And the distance being fifteen miles each way she would have to allow herself a long
day for the undertaking by rising early.
A fortnight later, when the snow had gone, and had been followed by a hard black
frost, she took advantage of the state of the roads to try the experiment.
At four o'clock that Sunday morning she came downstairs and stepped out into the
starlight.
The weather was still favourable, the ground ringing under her feet like an
anvil.
Marian and Izz were much interested in her excursion, knowing that the journey
concerned her husband.
Their lodgings were in a cottage a little further along the lane, but they came and
assisted Tess in her departure, and argued that she should dress up in her very
prettiest guise to captivate the hearts of
her parents-in-law; though she, knowing of the austere and Calvinistic tenets of old
Mr Clare, was indifferent, and even doubtful.
A year had now elapsed since her sad marriage, but she had preserved sufficient
draperies from the wreck of her then full wardrobe to clothe her very charmingly as a
simple country girl with no pretensions to
recent fashion; a soft gray woollen gown, with white crape quilling against the pink
skin of her face and neck, and a black velvet jacket and hat.
"'Tis a thousand pities your husband can't see 'ee now--you do look a real beauty!"
said Izz Huett, regarding Tess as she stood on the threshold between the steely
starlight without and the yellow candlelight within.
Izz spoke with a magnanimous abandonment of herself to the situation; she could not be-
-no woman with a heart bigger than a hazel- nut could be--antagonistic to Tess in her
presence, the influence which she exercised
over those of her own sex being of a warmth and strength quite unusual, curiously
overpowering the less worthy feminine feelings of spite and rivalry.
With a final tug and touch here, and a slight brush there, they let her go; and
she was absorbed into the pearly air of the fore-dawn.
They heard her footsteps tap along the hard road as she stepped out to her full pace.
Even Izz hoped she would win, and, though without any particular respect for her own
virtue, felt glad that she had been prevented wronging her friend when
momentarily tempted by Clare.
It was a year ago, all but a day, that Clare had married Tess, and only a few days
less than a year that he had been absent from her.
Still, to start on a brisk walk, and on such an errand as hers, on a dry clear
wintry morning, through the rarefied air of these chalky hogs'-backs, was not
depressing; and there is no doubt that her
dream at starting was to win the heart of her mother-in-law, tell her whole history
to that lady, enlist her on her side, and so gain back the truant.
In time she reached the edge of the vast escarpment below which stretched the loamy
Vale of Blackmoor, now lying misty and still in the dawn.
Instead of the colourless air of the uplands, the atmosphere down there was a
deep blue.
Instead of the great enclosures of a hundred acres in which she was now
accustomed to toil, there were little fields below her of less than half-a-dozen
acres, so numerous that they looked from this height like the meshes of a net.
Here the landscape was ***-brown; down there, as in Froom Valley, it was always
green.
Yet it was in that vale that her sorrow had taken shape, and she did not love it as
formerly.
Beauty to her, as to all who have felt, lay not in the thing, but in what the thing
symbolized.
Keeping the Vale on her right, she steered steadily westward; passing above the
Hintocks, crossing at right-angles the high-road from Sherton-Abbas to
Casterbridge, and skirting Dogbury Hill and
High-Stoy, with the dell between them called "The Devil's Kitchen".
Still following the elevated way she reached Cross-in-Hand, where the stone
pillar stands desolate and silent, to mark the site of a miracle, or ***, or both.
Three miles further she cut across the straight and deserted Roman road called
Long-Ash Lane; leaving which as soon as she reached it she dipped down a hill by a
transverse lane into the small town or
village of Evershead, being now about halfway over the distance.
She made a halt here, and breakfasted a second time, heartily enough--not at the
Sow-and-Acorn, for she avoided inns, but at a cottage by the church.
The second half of her journey was through a more gentle country, by way of Benvill
Lane.
But as the mileage lessened between her and the spot of her pilgrimage, so did Tess's
confidence decrease, and her enterprise loom out more formidably.
She saw her purpose in such staring lines, and the landscape so faintly, that she was
sometimes in danger of losing her way.
However, about noon she paused by a gate on the edge of the basin in which Emminster
and its Vicarage lay.
The square tower, beneath which she knew that at that moment the Vicar and his
congregation were gathered, had a severe look in her eyes.
She wished that she had somehow contrived to come on a week-day.
Such a good man might be prejudiced against a woman who had chosen Sunday, never
realizing the necessities of her case.
But it was incumbent upon her to go on now.
She took off the thick boots in which she had walked thus far, put on her pretty thin
ones of patent leather, and, stuffing the former into the hedge by the gatepost where
she might readily find them again,
descended the hill; the freshness of colour she had derived from the keen air thinning
away in spite of her as she drew near the parsonage.
Tess hoped for some accident that might favour her, but nothing favoured her.
The shrubs on the Vicarage lawn rustled uncomfortably in the frosty breeze; she
could not feel by any stretch of imagination, dressed to her highest as she
was, that the house was the residence of
near relations; and yet nothing essential, in nature or emotion, divided her from
them: in pains, pleasures, thoughts, birth, death, and after-death, they were the same.
She nerved herself by an effort, entered the swing-gate, and rang the door-bell.
The thing was done; there could be no retreat.
No; the thing was not done.
Nobody answered to her ringing. The effort had to be risen to and made
again.
She rang a second time, and the agitation of the act, coupled with her weariness
after the fifteen miles' walk, led her support herself while she waited by resting
her hand on her hip, and her elbow against the wall of the porch.
The wind was so nipping that the ivy-leaves had become wizened and gray, each tapping
incessantly upon its neighbour with a disquieting stir of her nerves.
A piece of blood-stained paper, caught up from some meat-buyer's dust-heap, beat up
and down the road without the gate; too flimsy to rest, too heavy to fly away; and
a few straws kept it company.
The second peal had been louder, and still nobody came.
Then she walked out of the porch, opened the gate, and passed through.
And though she looked dubiously at the house-front as if inclined to return, it
was with a breath of relied that she closed the gate.
A feeling haunted her that she might have been recognized (though how she could not
tell), and orders been given not to admit her.
Tess went as far as the corner.
She had done all she could do; but determined not to escape present
trepidation at the expense of future distress, she walked back again quite past
the house, looking up at all the windows.
Ah--the explanation was that they were all at church, every one.
She remembered her husband saying that his father always insisted upon the household,
servants included, going to morning- service, and, as a consequence, eating cold
food when they came home.
It was, therefore, only necessary to wait till the service was over.
She would not make herself conspicuous by waiting on the spot, and she started to get
past the church into the lane.
But as she reached the churchyard-gate the people began pouring out, and Tess found
herself in the midst of them.
The Emminster congregation looked at her as only a congregation of small country-
townsfolk walking home at its leisure can look at a woman out of the common whom it
perceives to be a stranger.
She quickened her pace, and ascended the the road by which she had come, to find a
retreat between its hedges till the Vicar's family should have lunched, and it might be
convenient for them to receive her.
She soon distanced the churchgoers, except two youngish men, who, linked arm-in-arm,
were beating up behind her at a quick step.
As they drew nearer she could hear their voices engaged in earnest discourse, and,
with the natural quickness of a woman in her situation, did not fail to recognize in
those noises the quality of her husband's tones.
The pedestrians were his two brothers.
Forgetting all her plans, Tess's one dread was lest they should overtake her now, in
her disorganized condition, before she was prepared to confront them; for though she
felt that they could not identify her, she instinctively dreaded their scrutiny.
The more briskly they walked, the more briskly walked she.
They were plainly bent upon taking a short quick stroll before going indoors to lunch
or dinner, to restore warmth to limbs chilled with sitting through a long
service.
Only one person had preceded Tess up the hill--a ladylike young woman, somewhat
interesting, though, perhaps, a trifle guindee and prudish.
Tess had nearly overtaken her when the speed of her brothers-in-law brought them
so nearly behind her back that she could hear every word of their conversation.
They said nothing, however, which particularly interested her till, observing
the young lady still further in front, one of them remarked, "There is Mercy Chant.
Let us overtake her."
Tess knew the name. It was the woman who had been destined for
Angel's life-companion by his and her parents, and whom he probably would have
married but for her intrusive self.
She would have known as much without previous information if she had waited a
moment, for one of the brothers proceeded to say: "Ah! poor Angel, poor Angel!
I never see that nice girl without more and more regretting his precipitancy in
throwing himself away upon a dairymaid, or whatever she may be.
It is a *** business, apparently.
Whether she has joined him yet or not I don't know; but she had not done so some
months ago when I heard from him." "I can't say.
He never tells me anything nowadays.
His ill-considered marriage seems to have completed that estrangement from me which
was begun by his extraordinary opinions."
Tess beat up the long hill still faster; but she could not outwalk them without
exciting notice. At last they outsped her altogether, and
passed her by.
The young lady still further ahead heard their footsteps and turned.
Then there was a greeting and a shaking of hands, and the three went on together.
They soon reached the summit of the hill, and, evidently intending this point to be
the limit of their promenade, slackened pace and turned all three aside to the gate
whereat Tess had paused an hour before that
time to reconnoitre the town before descending into it.
During their discourse one of the clerical brothers probed the hedge carefully with
his umbrella, and dragged something to light.
"Here's a pair of old boots," he said.
"Thrown away, I suppose, by some *** or other."
"Some imposter who wished to come into the town barefoot, perhaps, and so excite our
sympathies," said Miss Chant.
"Yes, it must have been, for they are excellent walking-boots--by no means worn
out. What a wicked thing to do!
I'll carry them home for some poor person."
Cuthbert Clare, who had been the one to find them, picked them up for her with the
crook of his stick; and Tess's boots were appropriated.
She, who had heard this, walked past under the screen of her woollen veil till,
presently looking back, she perceived that the church party had left the gate with her
boots and retreated down the hill.
Thereupon our heroine resumed her walk. Tears, blinding tears, were running down
her face.
She knew that it was all sentiment, all baseless impressibility, which had caused
her to read the scene as her own condemnation; nevertheless she could not
get over it; she could not contravene in
her own defenceless person all those untoward omens.
It was impossible to think of returning to the Vicarage.
Angel's wife felt almost as if she had been hounded up that hill like a scorned thing
by those--to her--superfine clerics.
Innocently as the slight had been inflicted, it was somewhat unfortunate that
she had encountered the sons and not the father, who, despite his narrowness, was
far less starched and ironed than they, and had to the full the gift of charity.
As she again thought of her dusty boots she almost pitied those habiliments for the
quizzing to which they had been subjected, and felt how hopeless life was for their
owner.
"Ah!" she said, still sighing in pity of herself, "THEY didn't know that I wore
those over the roughest part of the road to save these pretty ones HE bought for me--
no--they did not know it!
And they didn't think that HE chose the colour o' my pretty frock--no--how could
they?
If they had known perhaps they would not have cared, for they don't care much for
him, poor thing!"
Then she grieved for the beloved man whose conventional standard of judgement had
caused her all these latter sorrows; and she went her way without knowing that the
greatest misfortune of her life was this
feminine loss of courage at the last and critical moment through her estimating her
father-in-law by his sons.
Her present condition was precisely one which would have enlisted the sympathies of
old Mr and Mrs Clare.
Their hearts went out of them at a bound towards extreme cases, when the subtle
mental troubles of the less desperate among mankind failed to win their interest or
regard.
In jumping at Publicans and Sinners they would forget that a word might be said for
the worries of Scribes and Pharisees; and this defect or limitation might have
recommended their own daughter-in-law to
them at this moment as a fairly choice sort of lost person for their love.
Thereupon she began to plod back along the road by which she had come not altogether
full of hope, but full of a conviction that a crisis in her life was approaching.
No crisis, apparently, had supervened; and there was nothing left for her to do but to
continue upon that starve-acre farm till she could again summon courage to face the
Vicarage.
She did, indeed, take sufficient interest in herself to throw up her veil on this
return journey, as if to let the world see that she could at least exhibit a face such
as Mercy Chant could not show.
But it was done with a sorry shake of the head.
"It is nothing--it is nothing!" she said. "Nobody loves it; nobody sees it.
Who cares about the looks of a castaway like me!"
Her journey back was rather a meander than a march.
It had no sprightliness, no purpose; only a tendency.
Along the tedious length of Benvill Lane she began to grow tired, and she leant upon
gates and paused by milestones.
She did not enter any house till, at the seventh or eighth mile, she descended the
steep long hill below which lay the village or townlet of Evershead, where in the
morning she had breakfasted with such contrasting expectations.
The cottage by the church, in which she again sat down, was almost the first at
that end of the village, and while the woman fetched her some milk from the
pantry, Tess, looking down the street,
perceived that the place seemed quite deserted.
"The people are gone to afternoon service, I suppose?" she said.
"No, my dear," said the old woman.
"'Tis too soon for that; the bells hain't strook out yet.
They be all gone to hear the preaching in yonder barn.
A ranter preaches there between the services--an excellent, fiery, Christian
man, they say. But, Lord, I don't go to hear'n!
What comes in the regular way over the pulpit is hot enough for I."
Tess soon went onward into the village, her footsteps echoing against the houses as
though it were a place of the dead.
Nearing the central part, her echoes were intruded on by other sounds; and seeing the
barn not far off the road, she guessed these to be the utterances of the preacher.
His voice became so distinct in the still clear air that she could soon catch his
sentences, though she was on the closed side of the barn.
The sermon, as might be expected, was of the extremest antinomian type; on
justification by faith, as expounded in the theology of St Paul.
This fixed idea of the rhapsodist was delivered with animated enthusiasm, in a
manner entirely declamatory, for he had plainly no skill as a dialectician.
Although Tess had not heard the beginning of the address, she learnt what the text
had been from its constant iteration--
"O foolish galatians, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not obey the truth,
before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently set forth, crucified among you?"
Tess was all the more interested, as she stood listening behind, in finding that the
preacher's doctrine was a vehement form of the view of Angel's father, and her
interest intensified when the speaker began
to detail his own spiritual experiences of how he had come by those views.
He had, he said, been the greatest of sinners.
He had scoffed; he had wantonly associated with the reckless and the lewd.
But a day of awakening had come, and, in a human sense, it had been brought about
mainly by the influence of a certain clergyman, whom he had at first grossly
insulted; but whose parting words had sunk
into his heart, and had remained there, till by the grace of Heaven they had worked
this change in him, and made him what they saw him.
But more startling to Tess than the doctrine had been the voice, which,
impossible as it seemed, was precisely that of Alec d'Urberville.
Her face fixed in painful suspense, she came round to the front of the barn, and
passed before it.
The low winter sun beamed directly upon the great double-doored entrance on this side;
one of the doors being open, so that the rays stretched far in over the threshing-
floor to the preacher and his audience, all
snugly sheltered from the northern breeze.
The listeners were entirely villagers, among them being the man whom she had seen
carrying the red paint-pot on a former memorable occasion.
But her attention was given to the central figure, who stood upon some sacks of corn,
facing the people and the door.
The three o'clock sun shone full upon him, and the strange enervating conviction that
her seducer confronted her, which had been gaining ground in Tess ever since she had
heard his words distinctly, was at last established as a fact indeed.
END OF PHASE THE FIFTH