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11-12-12 set I’m always nervous when I do stand-up comedy.
How nervous? More nervous than Lindsay Lohan at an AA meeting. More nervous than the president
of Syria watching “Hang ‘Em High” on Turner Classic Movies. Terrible video coming
out of the Syrian revolution. I’m going to start raising money to buy them tripods
for their camera phones. You know things are bad when people flee Syria to Iraq.
More and more infants are morbidly obese. I have the answer: baby shake weights. Bad
news: West Virginia is the state you’re mostly like to hit a deer. Good news: West
Virginia is the state you’re least likely to hit a dentist.
I bought a $100 Android tablet from CVS. I was disappointed but not as disappointed as
the people who bought an iPad 4 with 9.7-inch Retina display, an A6X processor, twice as
fast as A5, 1024 x 768 resolution with 10 hour battery life, a FaceTime HD camera with
720p, WiFi 802.11n, twice as fast, with the new lightning dock connector and enhanced
LTE for $500 who went to a *** site that says, “This site requires Flash.”
I went to see the palm reader in Carytown. She said my palm would be covered with a sticky
fluid in several hours. Damn, she’s good! There’s a gaming store in Carytown called
One-Eyed Jacks. Shouldn’t it be called One-handed Nerds? Dunkin’ Donuts is renovating the
old 7-Eleven across from CVS is Carytown. In other words, it’s a nutritional upgrade,
people. I started going on blind dates, which was painful. Have you ever gotten a ***
from a seeing eye dog? You know you’re not getting enough sex when you start thinking
the mother in Family Circus is a hot MILF. You know you’re not getting enough sex when
you look at photos in the obituaries and say, “I’d tap that.” You know you’re not
getting enough sex when your idea of a threesome is with Bristol and Sarah Palin. Scientists
have discovered that dolphins *** porpoises. I tried to *** a porpoise but the roofies
kept dissolving.
The Rolling Stones celebrate their fiftieth anniversary with a concert in Brooklyn. Great
performances of “Get off my power chair,” “Limping Jack Flash” and “I can’t
get no ***.” Avril Lavigne is engaged to the leader singer of Nickelback. Hey, he
didn’t want to marry someone with good taste. He wanted to marry someone who tastes good.
Justin Bieber is back together with Selena Gomez, Thanks to the Justin Bieber singing
toothbrush, you too can Justin Bieber in your mouth. I’m confused. I thought *** Khalifa
was R. Kelly’s street name. I’m confused. I thought a Skrillex was something you bought
at a hardware store. It turns out there is a sequel to “Drag Me To Hell.” It’s
called “Red Dawn.”
I haven’t been doing stand-up lately because of a family emergency. Grandma got run over
by reindeer. Fortunately she’s fully covered by ObamaCare. You see white Santa Clauses
and black Santa Clauses but you never see any Asian Santa Clauses. They got tired of
being called Slanta Claus. I’m getting a quesadilla maker for Christmas. Now all I
have to do is pick her up in the parking lot at Lowe’s.
12-12-12 set