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Sneakers? Sneakers? Sneakers?
Come here, Sneakers.
Hey, Sneakers.
***.
- Hey.
- Why are you not at my house?
Uh Uh, I am at your house.
Don't lie to me, Ryan.
I have security cameras
and I am looking at them
online right now.
- Leo.
- Well, you said that the chairs
weren't being delivered
until 10:00, so
- Which is why you should already be there.
- I'll kill you!
This fly's been acting
like a total *** all morning.
This party's for
important people.
The kind of people
who don't sit around
in their underwear all day watching
TV with the neighbor's dog.
Talking *** now, are ya?
Uh I'll be there
in 15 minutes.
I promise.
*** out by Kristen.
What a great way
to start the day.
Ryan, remember when I told you a few
weeks ago that you are a total ***?
Well, I just want to apologize
for not emphasizing that enough.
What am I going to do?
Yell at her?
She loaned me $5,000
for my car accident.
Ryan, anger is like ***.
You're not meant
to keep it to yourself.
Expressing your anger
will make you feel better.
Watch this.
No
Die, you bloody ***!
Yeah!
See?
The fly's dead.
I feel much better.
No harm done whatsoever.
- Why aren't I going to Kristen's?
- Kristen hates you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one hates me.
I'm Wilfred.
I'm adorable.
Look at these eyes, the smile.
I once cracked a Nazi skinhead
in the face with a beer bottle,
and you know what he did to me?
Belly rub.
Trust me, Kristen hates you.
We'll see about that.
I'm going.
What's that?
Binaca.
I don't want my breath
smelling like balls.
Look, Leo, the chairs are here.
Wow, all these chairs
and no throne?
Where's Dr.
Ramos
going to sit?
Leo thinks it's weird
that I'm throwing a party
- in honor of my boss.
- Because it is weird.
Dr.
Ramos just got a grant
to open a clinic in India,
and he's looking for an associate
to oversee the project.
See, Leo doesn't understand
that people actually get ahead
by playing office politics.
Which is, maybe,
why he's still a claims
investigation supervisor.
And maybe claims
investigation supervisor's
one of the most respected
titles in all of insurance.
And maybe our therapist told you
to work on your passive-aggressive tone.
Really? 'Cause maybe
you ought to
Hey, Leo, it's nice to see you.
Hey, Ryan.
Kristen, shall I compare
thee to a sunset?
Morning dew? Flowers?
Blah, blah, blah?
Some other beautiful ***?
The point is, you look good.
Milady.
Ew! Oh! Oh!
God!
My rat!
You ungrateful ***.
Why'd you bring that stupid dog?
You're even more
obsessed with him
than that stupid Jack Russell
you had when we were kids.
Sneakers.
He had a name.
Great.
The entrails fell out.
Now it's worthless.
Wait a minute.
Where are the cushions?
You didn't say anything
about cushions.
I didn't think I had to, Ryan,
on account of it being obvious.
You know what, Kristen?
Ah, yeah, that's it, get mad.
You got something to say, Ryan?
That was pathetic.
You just grabbed
your ankles and took it.
No wonder she has
no respect for you.
She didn't treat you
that well, either.
Which was surprising, because
I thought everyone loves Wilfred.
Everyone does--
except her,
because she's not human.
Cold black heart, dead eyes.
Nice ***.
By the way, who's Sneakers?
No one.
Sneakers?
Sneakers?
Come here, boy.
Sneakers?
Sneakers is no one, huh?
Do you usually buy priceless
jewelry for no one?
Imitation colored glass?
Plastic painted
to look like metal?
This isn't some cheap,
made in China knockoff.
This is made in Taiwan,
you ***.
Keeping another dog
on the side, are you?
Sneakers was my dog
no difference to me, Ryan.
You know I have
no concept of time.
Well, I do, and it's
I'm going back to bed.
Damn it, why won't you
tell me about Sneakers?!
Because I killed him! Okay?
I killed him.
Well
that's a relief.
He was the sweetest little dog.
He did these cute backflips.
Every morning I'd
wake up with him
snuggled against me,
licking my ear.
Then one day
I found Sneakers
floating in the pool.
I left the gate open.
I was always so careful.
I killed my best friend.
Snuggled up against you
licking your ear?
What, in the same bed?
Where did you meet
this budgie smuggler,
a Maroon 5 concert?
Don't be an ***.
It was a long time ago.
Then I assume you won't mind
if I wear this.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yes.
It's just a little
chilly down here, I guess.
I'm going back to bed.
Uh
Wilfred?
That's not mine.
All right, I've been
thinking it over
and I know what
happened last night.
After I went to sleep,
you somehow managed
to some sort of *** chip
planted in my brain.
You caught me.
Let's go to the vet
and get that removed.
No, no vets.
That won't be necessary.
Wow, miraculous recovery.
Hello.
Don't forget to bring Mom's
old copper ice tub tonight.
And remember to be here two
hours early to set up the bar.
Oh, well, why not three?
I really don't appreciate
- the attitude, Ryan.
- Sorry.
This party's important to me.
So just do your best,
all right?
I've got it.
It wasn't a *** chip.
It was a glowing orb of gayness,
brought here by aliens
that you summoned, because
Stop.
You know what I think?
It's pretty coincidental
that you suddenly start acting
like my old dog Sneakers.
What? You think I'm acting?
You tell me.
Ryan, dogs are very
empathic creatures.
In fact, some cultures,
the Hindus for example,
they believe that we dogs
can help the living
communicate with the dead.
Are you saying that the
ghost of my dead dog
is trying to possess your body?
Dude, can you blame him?
The glowing orb of gayness
is more believable than that.
Ryan, it's true.
And I can prove it.
But first, we must cross over
to the other side.
The other side of the room?
Yeah, I dropped
my guts over there.
That's going to reek.
Sorry, mate.
Wait!
We're going
to uncover the mysteries
of the afterlife, Ryan.
The secrets of the dead.
And we'll do it all with the
most sacred tool of dark magic!
S
H
M
E
Wash me
Wash me?
Oh, very funny, Bear.
I could feel you pushing it the whole time.
Ryan, can you come over here?
I need someone who's
going to take this seriously.
I don't have time
for this nonsense.
- I have to get to Kristen's.
- Nonsense?
Can't you feel
the tormented souls around us?
Gary Coleman, is that you?
What do you mean,
what am I talking about?
Oh, I get it.
Ah-hah!
Kristen's old swim goggles.
What's this doing here?
Hi, Ryan.
It's me.
Skeakers.
That isn't funny, Wilfred.
Wilfred? Gosh, golly,
don't you recognize
your old buddy Sneakers?
I'm not kidding.
Cut the ***.
Yippity-do!
Want to go have a snuggle?
Or watch me do
one of my neat-o backflips?
Give me that collar.
What's wrong, Ryan?
Are you still mad at me
for chewing the feet
off your footie pajamas?
Remember? The ones with
the race cars all over them?
Sneakers?
Ryan, I know you feel bad
about how I died,
but it wasn't your fault.
I left the gate open.
Nuh-uh.
It was Kristen.
What?
Wilfred, I swear,
if this is just you
It was all her fault.
And she let you live
with the guilt for 20 years.
Guilt that made you
a sad, sad boy.
You know, in the back of my mind
I always thought
that maybe she
She did.
Maybe we should
go over to her house
and make her a sad, sad girl.
Maybe we should
punch her *** off.
You can be a real
***, Wilfred.
- Wilfred? - You're just mad at Kristen
because she doesn't like you,
so you want me to be
mad at her, too.
This is sick.
Ryan, I don't understand
Four score
and seven years ago
Oh, God, what just happened?
That man is not
the real Magic Johnson.
I died in 1992.
That guy looks nothing like me.
Are you really sick?
Or are you just faking it so you can
come over here and mess with Kristen?
Have a bit of sympathy, mate.
I just had a terrifying
paranormal experience.
My stomach's in knots,
my head's pounding.
I asked you to bring
Mom's antique copper tub.
This is tin.
- Ryan strikes again.
- It's the only one
in the basement.
There's a basement?
Kristen, hey, I think
we just got off on
the wrong foot yesterday.
- No.
Why would you bring him?
- I couldn't leave him alone.
He's not feeling well.
Just promise me he won't ***
on the lawn or do anything
Sorry.
I'll hose it off right away.
Just leave it.
I'll eat it later.
I'm going to go rinse
my mouth out in the toilet.
Hey, I was thinking
Do you remember the day
I found Sneakers in the pool?
I guess.
Why?
Well, we always thought
I was the one
who left the gate open,
but I was wondering,
is it possible that maybe
Maybe what?
Maybe it-it was you?
Oh.
One hour and 48 minutes
before my big party,
and you decide to accuse me
of killing that
backflipping little idiot?
You know what, Ryan?
Sometimes you can be
really insensitive.
Hey!
Kristen may be a ***,
but she'd never let me believe
I killed my dog all these
years if it wasn't true.
- I don't know why I listen to you.
- Me? I didn't say anything.
It was Sneakers,
and he's got no reason to lie.
Will you stop with this
paranormal ***.
You don't believe me?
Call her out on her lies.
Get the truth,
and get angry for once.
Just stop.
She doesn't
like you-- deal with it.
I'm not going to ruin her party,
and neither are you.
I'm locking you in
the car, Wilfred.
Wilfred?
Wilfred's not here anymore.
There's only Sneakers.
And I won't rest until Kristen
gets what's coming to her.
- In the car, now.
- Okay.
Race you there.
And after six minutes
of infant CPR,
I looked into the baby's eyes,
and I said, "You live, now.
"
That exact moment,
the baby just
stared right back at me,
with his big, brown eyes
as if to say, "Thank you.
"
And took his first breath.
Oh!
And that's when I vowed
I'd someday return
to that village
- and open a clinic.
- Let me get this straight.
An obstetrician delivered
a baby without killing it?
Oh, look, honey,
it's the Davidsons.
Don't forget to check out
the chocolate fountain.
Really?
Okay, that's it--
Leo is cut off.
Could this party get any worse?
You put that dog away, right?
He's in the car.
He won't bother
anyone from there.
Uh
- I should go check on him.
- Are you kidding?
Ryan?!
Oh, no.
What the hell, Ryan.
I just had to pour Dr.
Ramos
a glass of Chardonnay myself.
Do you know how that looks?
Sorry.
I just need a second.
No.
Just get back to the bar.
Oh, my God!
What happened?!
A dog knocked over the table.
- A dog?
- I'll take care of it.
Ryan!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ew!
- Oh, my God!
Ah, stop!
Wilfred!
Look at how she laughs, Ryan.
Oh, God.
A crazy night.
I can't laugh like that,
because my lungs are
filled with water.
I don't believe you.
You're just doing
this 'cause Kristen doesn't like you.
No, I'm doing this to make
that *** pay for killing me.
Yippity-do!
Watch out!
Oh, my God!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!
- What happened?
- Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did you see that?
Get her a towel.
Where am I?
Oh, God.
Here it comes.
It's okay.
I swallowed it.
Kristen, I'm so sorry.
Sorry?
You ruined my party, Ryan.
The Ramoses left.
That dog is a four-legged
piece of ***.
Hey, take it easy on Wilfred.
God, you talk about him
like he's a person.
I am so tired of dealing
with that stupid dog.
- Ever since he came here
- Shut up!
- Just shut the hell up!
- What?
I am sick of taking your ***!
Ever since we were kids, it's like you
get off on treating me like crap.
Like when Sneakers died--
you kept rubbing my face in it.
Don't you think
I felt guilty enough?
Kristen?
I left it open.
What?
I came home to get
my goggles for swim practice
and I left the gate open.
Goggles
It was me.
How could you let me live
with that guilt for 20 years?
I don't know.
You know, Mom and Dad
always liked you more.
You were always
sweet and creative.
And I was always the uptight
little girl everyone avoided.
Even Sneakers liked you
more than me.
And you know what?
He was supposed to be my dog.
Remember?
I got him for my birthday.
I'm so sorry, Ryan.
Can you forgive me?
I don't know.
What if I forget about the rest
of the $5,000 you owe me?
You want to pay me off?
Yeah.
I guess it's a start.
I'm so glad you finally
know the truth.
I have been walking
around with this
for so long.
I guess that's why I get
so upset around Wilfred.
You know, I don't
really hate him.
And there it is.
She loves me.
I knew it the whole time.
It's so obvious.
Do you think he'd
let me pet him?
Hey, Wilfred.
You're such a sweet
*** off!
Ryan
What? I still hate the ***.
Hey, Ryan, it's me again.
Yippity-do.
Seriously? Aren't
we done with this?
I'm just here to say good-bye.
Now that you're
no longer carrying
the guilt of my death,
I can finally rest in peace.
Cool.
See ya.
Wait.
I was hoping we could have
one last snuggle.
No, thanks.
Please?
And then I'll never
bother you again.
Close your eyes.