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[cheering, applause]
Welcome to "Totally Biased," everybody.
Thank you.
My name's W. Kamau Bell. Thank you.
Tonight our guests are the hosts of MTVs "Nikki and Sara Live,"
Nikki Glaser and Sara Schaefer. Let 'em hear it, everybody.
[cheering, applause]
And we also have comedian Hannibal Burres.
Let him hear it, everybody. Hannibal Burres.
[cheering, applause]
This week was the State of the Union Address,
and the White House tried to make sure everybody watched
by releasing this promo video.
Our journey moves forward,
and our future is hopeful,
and the state of our union will always be strong.
♪♪ [dubstep]
Is that Dubstep?
Bring me my emergency Dubstep kit.
♪♪ [contines]
[cheering, applause]
Yes, yes.
Yes, the White House has gone Skrillex.
This is the coolest thing to ever happen to the presidency,
and the uncoolest thing to ever happen to Dubstep until this.
What was that guy thinking?
One of the big things President--
[laughs]
One of the big things President Obama talked about
during his speech was raising the minimum wage,
which means people who work at McDonald's
will finally be able to eat at McDondald's.
Somebody's excited. Yeah, finally.
[laughter]
Even more amazing, in a 57-minute speech,
Obama never had to do this.
Nothing has frustrated me more than false choices
like the one the President laid out tonight.
The choice isn't just between big government or big business...
Apparently, the side effects of being a Republican
include paranoia, delusions, xenophobia, and dry mouth.
[laughter]
Who knew?
[applause]
Who knew?
Yes.
That's Senator Marco Rubio.
Now, people are getting on his case
for taking a sip of water during his speech,
but can't we just leave him alone?
It could have been much weirder.
He could have been grabbing for this.
...like the one the President laid out tonight.
- [dog whimpering] - Banana Joe! No!
Not Banana Joe! He just won the Westminster Dog Show!
[laughter]
You're eating the Best in Show, Marc Rubio.
[audience groans]
[laughs]
You guys are sensitive and I like that, I like that.
I like hittin' ya hard in your soft spots.
[sighs]
Now, look, I really don't want to do Chris Brown jokes,
but he's kind of making it impossible not to.
So we decided to start a whole new segment
devoted to Chris Brown's latest exploits.
It's time for "What Can Brown Do To You?"
I think he's delivering a box full of whup ***.
A few weeks ago, Frank Ocean,
the patron saint of hipster bi-sexuality,
was jumped by Chris Brown and a couple of guys
over a parking spot in front of a recording studio.
Come on, a fight over a parking space?
That's the lamest beef in hip-hop
since the Fat Boys had a beef about actual beef.
[laughter]
Some old-school fans in the back.
I appreciate that.
Ocean and Brown faced off again this week at the Grammys
when they were both up for the award
for Best Urban Contemporary Album.
Oh, Urban Contemporary.
Oh, Grammys, I've cracked your code.
[laughter]
Yeah.
You know, my daughter's actually half urban contemporary.
[laughter]
On her father's side.
[cheering, applause]
Now the question is, did Ocean and Brown
finally settle their differences?
Let's roll the tape.
So, see, that's Frank Ocean
going up to the stage to accept his award
while everybody's giving him a standing ovation.
Oh, wait, not everybody.
Who's that sitting in the front row
dressed like a pissed off Colonel Sanders?
It's Chris Brown.
That's right. Chris Brown doesn't stand up
unless the judge tells him to.
[laughter, groaning]
Oh, you're so sensitive.
I love it. I love it.
Yeah. You guys fight that one out.
Today is Valentine's Day,
and here to give us his insights
is comedian and relationship expert
Hannibal Burres, everybody.
- Hannibal Burres. - Hey!
What's up? What's up, Kamau?
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, not only do I know about relationships,
but I've also been black for 30 years,
so it was only natural for me
to start a line of Valentine's Day cards
for those who are dating
or interested in dating a black person.
This first one's good if you're just getting to know a black person.
On the cover it says, "Hey, I noticed you're black."
[laughter]
And on the inside it reads, "I'm cool with that."
[laughter]
Here's a good one if you can't tell the person's race.
"I know you're biracial.
But there's nothing mixed about my emotions."
[laughter, applause]
So that's a good one.
That's a hit right there.
Here's a good one for a light-skinned black person.
"Roses are red, violets are blue...
You're black, right?"
[laughter]
And this card is perfect for a black co-worker.
"Would you like to interracial date me?
If not, can we just interracial bone?"
We don't have to date.
You gotta be edgy, you know? You gotta hit all demos.
[laughter]
This one is good if you want to try to compliment
a black person, so...
"I want to touch your hair,
"but not in an objectifying way
"that diminishes you as a human being,
"but sort of in a *** way--
"I mean, I would touch your hair even if you weren't black,
but I am interested in the texture."
[laughter, applause]
And I also have some cards for black people
to give to white folks, like this one.
"One you go black, you can always go back.
But why, though?"
[laughter, applause]
Or you can use this one if the sex doesn't go well.
"Sorry I didn't live up to the myth...
"but you shouldn't be so narrow-minded in your thinkin',
"and I really thought we connected on our first date.
"We were talking about 18th century Russian calligraphy.
"Anyways, we didn't really have time
"to learn each other's bodies that well,
"and we should try to give it a second shot
"because, you know, first time you have sex
"with somebody, you know, I'm nervous and...
"it get weird, and so I did my best
but I feel like everything shouldn't be about--"
- Hannibal? - Yo.
- Is that a real card? - Listen, man,
I got some *** goin' on right now, y'all.
Hey. Rebecca, if you're watching, give me a call.
Hannibal Burres, everybody, Hannibal Burres.
[cheering, applause]
Here's a story about how I spent $5,000 on a cookie.
In 2007, I went to Coachella to see the reunion
of Rage Against the Machine,
my third favorite band of all time.
Soon as I got there, somebody handed me a cookie.
Now, I knew it was a weed cookie
because the person who gave it to me
definitely did not look like a Girl Scout.
Yeah.
And even though I wasn't a pot head,
I thought, "Hey, be cool. Eat the cookie."
So I ate the cookie, sat down on the grass,
and waited for it to kick in.
And then suddenly, I was aware of everything;
the weight of my afro, the grass I was laying on,
the ants in the grass I was laying on,
the nasty things the ants were saying about me.
That fool ate a whole weed cookie.
I turned to the person next to me and said,
"I'm too high."
Then I tried to stand up, but as soon as I did,
I realized it was a bad idea,
because gravity wasn't working,
and I was about to fall off planet Earth.
Next thing I know,
I'm being thrown into the back of an ambulance
by a white guy with dreadlocks.
Or maybe it was the Predator.
I can't really be sure 'cause I was really high.
So they take me to the hospital,
and apparently I was yelling and screaming so much
they thought I was on crystal ***.
"I'm too high! I'm too high! I'm too high!"
And here I thought *** was a white person's drug.
This ***'s clearly on Sudafed.
Thankfully, the good people at the hospital
filled me up with fluid and knocked me out.
The next day they checked me out of the hospital,
gave me some paper shoes, and a bill for 5,000 bucks.
Then they threw me in a cab,
I went back to Coachella
and saw Rage Against the Machine,
the best concert I've ever seen in my life.
That fool is still high.
Now the Isely Brothers, that was a good show.
[cheering, applause]
So since that trip to Coachella, I've been weed free.
But now that I have this show, sometimes things get a little stressful,
which got me thinking, should I start getting high?
And who better to help me answer that question
than random people in Grand Central Station.
Here we go.
So, uh, you smoke pot, I take it?
Yes, a lot.
Uh, how a lot, like, as in right now a lot?
Yes, I'm-- Yeah.
- Are you a daily weed smoker? - Not daily,
but it happens a lot every day.
Okay.
Me and Josh, we stay high, baby.
Is that true, man?
Nah, man.
[laughs]
My family watchin'.
I don't like smoking. It tastes bad.
But, you know, there's other ways to get marijuana.
You can put it in a brownie or--
Oh, you didn't tell me that. Okay.
We just started talking, yes.
Have you ever had a bad experience on weed?
Yeah, I guess when I ate an edible for the first time,
it was a little too intense.
I remember having like--
this like visualization that I was Lauren Hill,
like-- I know that's mad weird.
Shakin' my dreads and the music was playin'.
It was-- Like the silhouette of Lauren Hill.
I can't explain it, man. I can't explain it.
Have you ever had a bad experience on pot?
Yeah, I drove into a checkpoint.
Wait, into it?
Yeah, 'cause I thought it was an accident
so I was gonna go check it out.
So you were high, you're like, "Man, that's a car accident."
I was like, "Look at that car accident up there."
I got closer, I was like, "That's not a car accident.
- I'm about to go to jail." - That's me going to jail.
My personal opinion is it should be legalized.
I do, I think it should be legalized.
- Really? - We could use the money.
Yes.
And young people could use the marijuana.
Does weed affect your job in a negative way or a positive way?
Positive, because I work in daytime television.
It's just the most miserablest thing in the world.
So here's my question. So I just got this new job,
I host this talk show right here,
and it's very stressful.
And so I've actually thought to myself, like,
"Should I smoke weed?
Maybe that would calm me down a little bit."
- Yeah. Perhaps. - Okay.
Should I start smoking weed?
Yeah, man. I don't see why not.
Like, it's television, everybody's high.
Look at the cameraman right now. Look at this [bleep].
- Look at these guys. - Oh, yeah. Hey, wait a minute.
My question to you, do you like fun?
Yeah. I'm a fan of fun.
That's what pot is. It's fun, man.
Should I start smokin' pot?
- Yes. - Yes.
[laughs] No hesitation, no--
- Yes. - Yes. Undoubtedly.
[both] And we can help you with that.
He can help you with that. He knows a guy.
- I know a guy. - Yeah, 'cause he knows you.
Louie Armstrong smoked pot every day.
The guy who sang "What A Wonderful World."
Snoop Lion, Bob Marley, Sean Penn.
Come on, dude.
Is that like the Mount Rushmore of weed?
That is the Mount Rushmore.
Louie Armstrong, Snoop Lion, Sean Penn and Bob Marley.
Welcome back.
Our guests tonight recently launched
their own late-night comedy show on MTV
called "Nikki and Sara Live."
Please welcome Sara Schaefer and Nikki Glaser, everybody.
- Sara and Nikki. - [cheering and applause]
- Thank you. - Thank you. Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
How you guys doin'?
- Good. - Great.
- [laughs] - Whoa.
- Wonderful. - Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. You guys must have big plans.
- No. - Not really.
- Not a one. - Just takin' it easy.
- That's it? - I always try to--
I always give people advice about Valentine's Day,
I'm like, "Remember, it's a Catholic holiday,
"so when you make love to your Valentine,
- you better be raw ***' it." - [laughter]
- Just keep that in mind. - As if there's any other way.
I didn't realize that was a Catholic holiday.
Just throwin' that out there.
The Catholics do like it raw dog, though, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
They like a good old raw dog sometime.
And you don't have any plans this year?
I'm doing a show with my ex-boyfriend,
if I'm gonna be honest.
I date only comedians, so I'm--
- What? - I know, it's the worst.
- We're the worst. - I know you are.
- We're the worst people. - I know, you're very damaged.
- Yes. - But so am I.
I'm gonna cry right now, I'm so sad.
- You're dating a comedian. - It is. I'm-- Not now.
I'm done. It's been a long time for me since any--
I haven't had sex in over a year
'cause that's when I quit drinking so that kind of--
- [laughter] - How do you have sex sober?
I was an active *** when I drank, but now it's--
- Now you're an inactive ***. - Yes. Very.
- You're in the *** reserves. - She's in dormancy.
So, uh, and so do you date comics?
I am currently dating a comedian, yes.
What's wrong with you two?
- I found the good one. - Oh, you found the good one.
There's probably one good one.
He's a really good one.
We aren't funny when we're alone, you know.
- We just be ourselves. - Okay.
That's when you get into trouble--
trying to one up each other on bits and stuff
and testing jokes-- That's annoying.
We just keep the comedy stuff out.
So no funny sex? No wocka, wocka, wocka? None of that?
- Oh, God. - [laughter]
- No. - No rubber chickens?
- No. - Okay.
Well, that's for different reasons.
[laughing]
So you are single.
Have you ever tried dating online, either one of you?
I've gotten close to doing it.
What I do like to do, though, I have guy friends who online date,
and I like to look at their profiles and, like, re-do them,
'cause if you can't write-- if you're not a writer,
you come across like an idiot.
Like, my friend, he, uh, capitalized filet mignon.
- [laughter] - And that would be--
That's not a person's name, right?
So I re-wrote it for him.
It's the name of a steak. I don't understand.
Yeah. So I like to do that.
- Mr. Filet Mignon. - Yeah.
So I like to re-do them, and I'm good at it.
Like, I re-did my friend's, and no action from it in like a year,
and then I re-did it, and he got laid, like, two days later.
Did he call you,
"Hey, I'm having sex right now. Thanks a lot."
Yeah, yeah.
Do you guys ever cyber stalk people?
Yeah. It is really hard to control yourself
after you've broken up with someone
to not constantly stalk them online.
People can try to block you, but there are ways.
- [laughter] - You're like a hacker.
There are ways to check on them and what they're up to.
- What are those ways? - You can stalk their friends
and look in their photos to see--
I'm just giving you some hints here.
These are helpful hints for Valentine's Day, everybody.
Everyone does it. In this day and age,
you can't help yourself.
You're just curious. You want to know what they're up to,
even if you were the one that broke up or they dumped you.
Oh, you don't want them to be happy--
- Right. - So you want to see them every day,
- like, "Man, I'm still sad." - Well, if they dumped you,
you need to check to make sure they're miserable all the time.
Yes, yes.
Um, if you dumped them, you just kind of want
to just make sure they're having
just a mediocre time 'cause you don't--
you still don't want them to win.
You don't want them to be sad.
"Just another regular day, nothing exciting happening."
I can't find my ex-boyfriend on, uh, Facebook,
so I don't know if he's seeing someone, but I will just--
I'll just call him up and be like,
"Hey, you still got that twin bed?"
He's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Good. No one else is sleepin' with you."
- That's how I know. - [laughter]
He still has it 'cause no one would sleep with a guy
with a twin bed except me two years ago.
I was in a bad place.
You were in your twin-bed period of dating.
Then you have to call it quits.
- You have to respect yourself. - You have to respect yourself.
Well, I want to thank you both for coming to the show.
- Thank you for having us. - Big round of applause, everybody.
[cheering, applause]
Catch "Nikki and Sara Live"
Tuesday nights on MTV.
Nikki Glaser and Sara Schaefer, everybody.
- Let 'em hear you. - [cheering, applause]
[cheering, applause]
Welcome back.
The Christopher Dorner saga,
which has gripped the nation for over a week,
appears to have come to an end on Tuesday
after a six hour stand off in Big Bear, California.
Although, is it really over?
You know, they found a body, they don't know if it's his.
Has anyone seen LL Cool J since the Grammys?
[laughter]
I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'.
I mean, I'm an old-school black conspiracy theorist.
Now, Dorner has claimed that he was wrongfully terminated from the LAPD
because he witnessed another cop beating a suspect.
Or as the LAPD calls it, the morning shift.
[laughter]
Now, this whole Christopher Dorner situation highlights
why being black in America is so *** complicated.
Dorner had problems with the LAPD
where a lot of black people have problems with the LAPD.
Maybe you're familiar with all their albums.
[laughter]
Look, possibly dead Chris,
I understand being angry at the LAPD.
I just wish instead of grabbing a gun,
you'd grabbed a mic and headed to the studio.
You could have been the new N in NWA.
But you've ruined it, Crispy Chris.
[laughter]
You ruined it, Crispy Chris,
and you had so many great points.
You exposed police corruption, supported LGBT rights,
you railed against the Westboro Baptist Church,
and you even named Chris Rock as your favorite comedian.
I'm glad he wasn't mad at me.
[laughter, applause]
So listen, Chris "possibly now living in Mexico" Dorner.
A lot of people identify with you.
That's why there are so many people wearing T-shirts with your name on it,
that's why there are so many Facebook fan pages,
because black people can understand being driven crazy by racism.
But once you start killing people,
you give the racists the excuse to perpetuate the behavior
that drove you crazy in the first place.
[applause]
What we need is a kick-starter campaign to raise enough money
so that every black person in America can go to therapy.
We'll call it "Off The Corner and On The Couch."
Because as a great Grandmaster once said--
♪ Don't push me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm close to the edge ♪
♪ I'm tryin' ♪
♪ Not to lose my head ♪
♪ Huh-huh-huh, huh, huh ♪
Thank you for watching "Totally Biased," everybody.
We'll see you next time.
And stay totally biased!
So we're here with Jordan Rock,
production assistant of "Totally Biased."
Yes. I just go get the coffee.
And, apparently, sometimes you go get the weed.
Uh, off the record.
That's not out the petty cash at all.
Would you consider yourself a professional weed smoker?
Uh, yeah, I've taken my talents to the extreme.
Do you know the names of the weeds you like?
- Uh, yes. Uh-- - What's your favorite?
My favorites are Sour Old Diesel,
Pineapple Express,
and Blue Dream.
One more thing to say to you, Jordan.
- Yes. - You're fired.
[both laugh]