Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Our next guest is also doing this for the first time today, and I'm really excited to see him.
He's super tall so I feel like it would be comedically comedic if he scraped his head on this part of the ceiling.
But I'm going to bring him up with his own song.
Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan
Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan
Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan
Struuuuuuuuuuuuan
Sutherland
Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan
Sutherland
(Applause)
Hi.
When people meet me for the first time, they almost always ask me the same question:
“Why are you in my pantry and what have you done with my baby daughter?”
At which point I show them pictures of their child clothed in cashmere,
reclining amongst piles of precious stones, feasting on white truffles and sevruga caviar
and flanked by two majestic stallions, and I say
“That’s what I’ve done. I’ve given her a better life than you ever could have.”
(Laughter)
One of my favourite comedy things is when somebody says something to me
and I reply ‘That’s what she said’. Like this one time, my friend was like
“You mean we have to be here by five in the morning even though the bus doesn’t leave until six-thirty?”
And I replied “That’s what she said” and pointed at the woman at the ticket booth who had told me that.
(Wild laughter and expressed admiration)
Who here likes zombie movies?
One time I went to see a zombie movie in the theatre, and when it was over
I came out to find the cinema deserted except for one woman with Huntington’s disease
who was walking towards me, and it made me think about what a debilitating disease it is
and wonder if there was anything I could do to help.
But there’s not because I have no experience as a neurologist.
(More laughter accompanied by the sounds of women swooning)
The best part about mirrored sunglasses is that sometimes people
will use the reflective surface to check their appearance, and when they do
you can look deeply into their eyes and pretend for one fleeting moment
that you are engaging in meaningful human contact.
(Quiet, more confused bursts of laughter)
I went to the ear nose and throat doctor and I asked him if it had been
because of a lack of ambition or a learning difficulty that he hadn’t
been able to learn everything that the regular doctors had.
I think that he was offended because then he diagnosed me with epiglottitis.
(Sporadic laughter)
Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I could talk to animals,
but then I remember my dog Max and I realise that it would probably just be annoying.
I think that all he would want to talk about is Mad Men, because he watches it constantly.
(Reaffirmed, more confident laughter)
Whenever there is a local unsolved *** or suspicious death,
I like to cut out all the newspaper articles, pin them to my basement wall,
and draw red exes through the victim’s faces so that when I die,
those families will finally have some closure.
(Hysterical laughter, scrawling of phone numbers on napkins in lipstick)
A few weeks ago, I went on a blind date with this girl,
and although she had perfect vision, one thing that she couldn’t see
was that under the table I was jabbing my salad fork into my thigh
hard enough to draw blood, because there’s something in me
that believes I deserve that pain.
(Sparse laughter, sound of napkins being torn)
I think soggy bread is pretty gross, so I don’t know why ducks like it so much.
(Gales of laughter, females rhuminating on the dichotomy of attraction and repulsion.)
If I was writing a comedy movie, I would put in a scene where one roommate
is having his girlfriend’s family over for dinner, and for dessert
they are accidentally served a plate of brownies that the other roommate has made.
The reason it will be funny is that it turns out
they are actually vegan brownies, and nobody really likes them.
(Laughter from some, silence from those who are busy considering whether they have enough cash to fund the movie described.)
One of the best practical jokes is when you invite somebody
over for supper who is allergic to peanuts, and when he tells you
about his allergies you act like it’s no big deal,
because the food that you are making does not contain peanuts.
then when he comes over, it turns out that your house
and everything in it is made out of peanuts,
and so even though he gets a nice homecooked meal, he has to eat it
outside in the snow, and you don’t have any snowpants that he can borrow.
(Comparatively subdued laughter, as a result of half of the audience actually ascending to heaven in a moment of sheer, unfettered bliss.)
If I was a chiropractor, I wouldn’t have posters in my office that
promoted good posture, because if too many people read the posters,
then nobody would need me anymore. Instead I would put up posters
of my neighbour, Stanley, that said he was a dangerous child murderer,
which would be a good practical joke, but I actually saw him *** a child once,
and I don’t think it’s safe for him to be on the streets.
(One burst of laughter that ends abruptly. Then silence.)
I don’t think I’d like to be half-man, half-animal,
but if somebody ever forced me to choose, I have a good trick.
I would choose to be half-man half-minotaur, and then I would choose
the half of the minotaur that was the man.
And then I would smirk and say “Looks like you’ve been foiled again, Dr. Sorenson.”
Because the guy who forced me to choose is named Dr. Sorenson,
and he’s always trying to pull stuff like that.
(Laughter, applause, and expressions of unending devotion. Fade out.)