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Wellllllcome to the Madventures cooking show, a taste journey to the grossest kitchens in the world!
Food culture - linked to both location and time.
Abundance creates great and inventive culinaristic experiments
but when frost and plague are visiting us
the rocky roads ahead can make eating a maintenance action dictated by necessity!
Today, we'll test a dish, which has kept people surrounded by icy archipelagos alive for centuries.
This sustenance was probably also the reason why many Finns chased it by travelling to the cold icy reaches of
*** HELL!
--a.k.a. the Finnish peninsula.
Ladies and Gents - welcome to the disgusting and repulsive world of SEALS.
A rumor is being spread amongst nonconformists and modern helpless people -
that seal meat is an off-putting combination of fish stank and similarily off-putting taste of viscera.
This creature, reminiscent of an average True Finn representative
adventures in our seas and keeps fuc-***- fufufuFUFUFU-- ...*** with us.
Flipping off fishermen, and attacking the unsuspecting, innocent passengers
cruising merrily between Turku and Stockholm.
Robbing, killing and even RAPING with its bony ***, while spreading plague and chlamydia!
However, seal's nutritional values are top-notch
making this cat a most fitting Mad Cook dish, and that's why the *** will soon be munched on.
Today's assistant chef and expert comes straight from the Bay of Bothnia, one of the last of his kind
seal hunter Jouni Heinikoski!
And this thing here is an old gray seal male, a blumper weighing about 150 kg!
Bigger males can weigh twice as much, roughly 300 kg. -Wheew... Huge blobs!
Yes, they are great beasts of the sea.
Definitely doesn't remind me of those cute, furry pups often beaten with clubs.
No, with those sharp claws and teeth this thing would eat Brigitte Bardot for breakfast...
We all know that ringed seals of lake Saimaa are endangered, how many of these honchos are around?
We've counted 26 000, the estimate is 35 000 - 40 000.
So, no shortage? -Nope.
How are these male blobs in nature, like characteristically.
...annoying cocksuckers.
For our soup today - a few onions, few carrots, wedged...
'bout ten potaters, ten pieces of allspice and a bit of salt!
Wait, almost forgot the most imporant ingro - Jouni, could you hand me that... Obliged!
700 grams of young seal meat, it's ze best.
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Don't you home cooks run for those pens, you fatty-eyed and hunckbacked ***!
Check the recipe from our culinaristic adventure book.
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Cooking this couldn't be any simpler! First off, you wanna drain the blob's blood.
Cut off the furry pup's flips and let the blood fly! Am I correct, Jouni?
Pretty close. You have to cut open the flipper arteries.
In the "armpit", large incision, turn it on its stomach and the blood will flow out.
-And why should we let the blood out?
Blood spoils the meat. It's so fatty that it gets rancid, becoming unedible.
Uh-huh. Isn't there also a call for some liposuction action for our fatso?
Yup. We skin it, cutting away all fat from all edible meat.
ALL FAT! NOT A GRAM!
..unless you want that train oil flavour in there.
Yes! -Or maybe Mad Cook wants it there? -Maybe, maybe.
Alright, take the sharpest knife and let's slice the foul monster up, no need to beat it or hang it up.
You'll want a nice piece like this, what is this, sirloin? Yup, let's start preparing it!
You wash the meat before blanching it, you want to get all of the blood out.
Why do we do this? -Just to improve the taste. -...looks like a bloody job.
Every good thing is always a bit bloody. -I guess that's true!
For the blanching, a short boiling, shmoiling, coiling is enough, but don't forget to
REMOVE THE FAT
--layers from spoiling the taste.
And for seasoning? -Salt and pepper! -There you have it, no need for any kind of
***
--and you probably wouldn't taste them anyway from under the seal's lovely smell.
The seal's dark meat is looking good, it's been boiling for about an hour
so it's time to add the bunny nibbles in, right? -Yup.
The meat should boil for another thirty minutes.
[YAK BUTTER TEA]
"A traveller in Tibet should remember that Yak Butter Tea is the most powerful and tiring weapon of the nomad people.
What's the verdict? -It's ready. -Great! In that case, enough with the ***.
It's time for RPS!
Which one of us shall ingest and possibly out-gest the soup made from this terrible flipper of doom?
Are you ready? -Ready! Good, go!
As usual, I wish you wouldn't CHEAT, again. -Only game where you can't cheat! ONE, TWO, THREE!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
GOD *** DAMMIT! I don't believe it!
According to Mad Cook rules created by me, I can enjoy a beer with this.
Everything tastes better with a beer.
So let's do so. To the diner!
Seal soup, named the most disgusting traditional dish in Finland.
Here we go.
Well...
Dark, fibrous, very tough meat!
These are tough ***... -Don't expect a throw-up Mad Cook today.
Although in our book we wrote that this is Finland's worst and most infamous trad food, we *** up.
Why this is so good, today's soup, is because it was made very well.
You just have to get the blood out, as the blood has all
Gaahh! What the hell?
If the fat gets in the mix, that'll be throw-up worthy.
The blood's so *** disgusting, because it's twice as thick as human's, right?
-Yup. Yeah.
So much hemoglobin that ol' sealy won't be taking part in any skiing competitions.
At least not with a bib.
Delicious meat we got from a proud continuer of Finnish sealer tradition, cooked like it should.
Damn good, I'd recommend to all butthurt people who're crying about ethics egological food, but don't know anything about our own traditional dishes.
To them. Let's send the seal on its way and slurp down the soup.
-Yup.
Conditions dictate the nature of eating, and traditions are born.
Traditions create culture, especially food culture.
To you sissies - there was nothing morally dubious about this. Seals are quite the pest that you can hunt and eat with the correct permissions.
Seal.
Disgusting or revolting? A matter of taste, said the ex-beauty queen while licking her balls.
In any case, the personality disorder-riddled chef commands you -
Respect traditional food! Mad Cook, over and -- out!