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I left it out of the opening titles, but the translation of “Kappa no Kaikata,” as
helpfully offered by the box itself, is “How to Breed Kappas.” Putting aside the S at
the end of that word (which I’m fairly certain doesn’t belong there), let’s get one thing
straight: This isn’t a game about the biology and gestation of mythical Japanese water imps.
We have Pokémon for that. It’s actually a fairly straightforward platformer, reminiscent
of Klonoa: Empire of Dreams, based on a manga and anime series focused on kappa care and
maintenance. You play as the eponymous Kaatan, on a trip to the amusement park with your
owner, his friends, and their kappa, when you get bored and start chewing on some wires.
WHICH MAKES THE PLACE BLOW THE HELL UP. In the madness, you’re separated from the group,
and must make your way through each attraction, in search of that shmoe what feeds you.
Aside from the platform-standard “JUMP ON THINGS TO MAKE THEM DIE,” Kaatan can collect
orbs from the animals he defeats to summon them at a later time. These are triggered
by the L and R buttons, and allow access to powers like slamming a boar through a brick
wall or calling a rabbit for an extra-high jump. (‘Cuz Kaatan’s double-jump, while
impressive, still lacks vertical. And he insists on shouting “***” or something like
it every time.) This is one of those platformers that, on its own, isn’t all that difficult,
but is designed for the better players in the audience to try to speed-run. Each stage
has a number of coins scattered about, as well as a... um, duck... that transports Kaatan
to a time-limited, “GET ALL OF THE MONEY” bonus stage, and a capsule containing... something
to collect. Because when you’re searching for a missing person in the wake of an explosion,
it’s always nice to stop down and admire your baseball pennants.
In addition to the standard platforming action, there are a couple Game & Watch-styled minigames,
such as this one where some schmoe’s throwing sausages or something off the roof and you
have to catch them and throw them away, because who wants to eat a sausage that was rolling
around on the roof? Squirrels do their business up there, man! There’s also a shop to spend
your hard-won coins on more bric-a-brac, and a strange roulette game that should look quite
familiar to fans of GameCenter-CX. This is the kind of game that, if you’ve watched
the anime or read the manga, you might consider obtaining, but for a title that seems focused
on speedrunning, the controls - especially where ladders are concerned - don’t do it
any favors. Besides, I have never seen a cast more in need of a good toupee dealer. Maybe
Felicity in Worchestershire in the UK knows of one. She’s the one who sent us the game,
after all. I hold her responsible.