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This show is called "How I Ate Dog".
This show doesn't have a programme, because when it was done, I looked at it...
and I realized I didn't want it to be shown to the public because there was...
well, in theatre programme main elements [of the show] are included, that is, author, director, performers, stage designer...
That would have been a list with one and the same name...
That is, text would have been impolite and immodest, and I didn't want the public to read it before the show.
And there was also stage designer mentioned...
Also, there is no costume designer, I'm playing in authentic mariner's robes,
only old-fashion. When I served, it was the same, only dark blue.
Mariner's cap...
Well, real mariner's hat...hatband is the only thing...
with inscription "Pacific Navy", I had it on when I was serving...for about a year.
That is, this show is a part of my biography.
I really was born someday in a city in Siberia,
I went to school, to university,
I served in Navy...
But...I'll step there now...just for a minute
to take off this shirt, watch, glasses and boots.
I'll come back there and that won't be me anymore, rather a character of this show.
And for me...no matter how times I play this show there is a big question within the show:
where am I and where is the character of this show?
[That's] because this character will be telling part of my biography
and practically it will be me, there will be no one left there.
That will be practically me.
The character hasn't been changed during the show, but I have been changed.
And I can tell for sure that character is better than I am.
I wanted success, applause, money and so on...
But he didn't wan [it], this character simply want to live a normal life.
He doesn't know how to do it, but nevertheless.
And because of that I won't be here during the show, rather the character will be there.
I will return after the show to bow before you. That will be me.
But I won't be here during the show, the character will be.
I will return to bow, as I've said, but now I'm saying goodbye to you, have a nice sensations from the show.
You can applaude a little.
HOW I ATE THE DOG
Well...
it's always hard to begin.
That's because there's no...
there are no words for beginning the talk.
Although, we talk all the time, to be exact, we frequently talk when there is no need to talk at all,
we understand ourselves we can't talk, but we just talk...
You go into your room.
This, for example, is your room.
You came in.
Alone.
That is, you came in completely alone.
Why should you talk in such case?
You came in...
and said...
So...
But what "so"? There's nothing "so" in the room.
And your life is not exactly...
And you said "so...". And if somebody saw you this moment
he'd get the impression that this man will take bull by the horns, clean-up the house, clear-up things in his life...
But you came in, said "so...", stood a little bit and went away.
You didn't start to do anything.
Or when you're on the phone...
Hallo...yes...yes...
exactly! when you're coming... no, no, no...like this...
yes, correct, and then turn left, there will be way right at once, and then there's garage...
Why are you doing so when you're on the phone?
Why?
Or like this...
And then you're bowing before Galina Petrovna...
That's phone!
Or you come home...
well, not 7pm, not 7:30pm, that is, right after work, rather 2 am.
But you wanted to come [home] 7pm.
And you understand yourself, you have to come home right after work at least once a week.
They're waiting for you, your family...
But you come 1:30am or 2am.
But the main thing...
The main thing is, if you were late and didn't come home right after work, it's impossible to say...
to conclude right away that you will get drunk.
It's impossible to say you're a drunkard and you entertain yourself with boozing.
You entrertain yourself....how to say this?...
You entertain yourself in general.
With life.
And then - 2am.
Moreover, you told everybody you had to go home right after work,
and you didn't drink even a drop this evening because everybody knew you had to be home on time
and nobody even offered you.
There as such good situation...
or on the contrary - very serious, unpleasant, in short - some business, and when you had a look at the watch
it was 11:30pm already and there was no use to phone home and say:
"i'm finishing soon with my collegues, put [food] on the stove."
No. And without any hurry...2am.
You come...staircase, your door...
you looked in your pockets and, of course, keys are left at home. At first you knocked gently...
hoping that somebody will wake up and open, that person which is home instead of you.
Then you knocked harder.
And then...rang the bell.
And you hear everybody is awakend.
Something is being dropped down and someone with heavy steps comes to door, door opens,
your sweetheart is standing there...or your mother...
drowsy...or your sweet mom, I don't know what you have there.
And: come in, come in, don't stand there, come in.
And you: there were such things today! if I told you... but tomorrow, I've already talked to boss that tomorrow home right after work
we'll talk everything over and there will be no need to warm over food.
And she says to you: you're drunk...
You say: me? today - not a drop today.
and you do like this - "not a drop"
and you understood that moment you did it like a drunken man,
like a man who's drunk and who's trying to show by easiness of his movements he's not drunk at all.
And [she says to you] - Ah! you look like a swine. there's no use talking with you, go to sleep, let's talk tomorrow...
have a good night's sleep and we'll talk afterwards. You say: I didn't drink even a drop...!
And you understand yourself you shouldn't have done that because that makes serious accusation of being drunk,
and you say: let's sort it out?
You understand - only heavy drunk people do that.
And you will really go to sleep. Moreover, you understand you do everything like a drunk person, the more you do, the worse it gets.
And that's a pity! You won't prove anything in the morning.
Or...
you are being woken up in the morning...
well, not exactly that you're being woken up, rather you awake yourself a minute before you must be woken up.
You're not old, you're a sixth-grader.
You wake up in the morning and to feel more precisely what does that mean,
you wake up
and it's winter, morning. That is, it's dark outside the window because it's winter and morning.
And 'till nearest holidays...
because previous ones are over just now.
You woke up and you're both sleeping and not sleeping.
You listen to what's going on in the house, you hear your parents walking around, doing something in the kitchen, clattering of dishes
water being turned on and off, banging of fridge door...
radio is turned on, these jolly morning songs...
You're thinking...they're doing something there and you think: they're doing something and that's nice, perhaps they will forget to wake me up today.
And you hear: they haven't forgotten.
They come to wake you up.
It's not a long way to go but you have enough time to make your most pitiful face...like this...
face that means: it's sleeping angel and one is not allowed to wake him up
otherwise it will fly away.
But they came in, didn't look at the face
didn't look at the wings which are on your back, just switched the light on and went away!
And this electrical light fell over you, and even though your eyelids are closed, it gets through.
Then you opened eyes and everything dropped over you, furthermore, in all the smallest details:
wallpaper, polished wardrobe
your fingerprints and scratches on the polish,
lightbulb reflects in the polish and that's worst of all.
Farther there's writing-table, window
Curtains are not completely closed, and through between the curtains you can see it's dark outside the window
there's winter, there's morning and somewhere there in the darkness - there is school.
And you want to say: dear mommy, can I turn off the light and get dressed in the dark?
And then: mom, how could I forget! We don't have first two classes today!
Or: Mom...(and you grab yourself)
But you didn't say nothing. You got up... and whent to wash yourself.
You go past kitchen and there's your granny sitting, drinking tea.
Dearest granny!
She's drinking tea, and you want to go to her quietly and...
and say: dear granny, please, don't drink tea so loud, alright!
I could die right now because of these sounds.
In the winter morning.
You didn't say anything to granny, went into bathroom and everything is sparkling there.
Closed the door, switched on the faucet...
And you stand like this...
They must hear you're doing something with the water in there.
You're touching the water jet, and then...
and went to dress yourself.
And when you go into your room to get dressed, sit on the bed, there's the nicest, most wonderful and most evasive...
the best moment of the day, that is, you take your pants, begin to pull on one leg
one leg done, begin to pull on other one, and you just freeze like this...
As if you didn't exist.
That is, you don't have any desires, you're feeling neither good, nor bad, just...
anyway, if they just left you in peace you lived like this, god save you.
But they: fast! and you [do it] fast, one!, two!...
went to the kitchen, drank tea what was getting cold, ate something and went to anteroom to get dressed.
You're doing everything slowly, slowly.
Pull down your hat...
Overcoat...or jacket.
Take your briefcase...
and shoes [to wear in the school].
Stood a moment like this...
Then put all that down and began to put on boots.
But boots are wet, they haven't dried from yesterday yet, there's layers of salt, they're slippery and cold...
but you hadled it, took your things and went down the stairs...
You descend, front door, firm spring [for the door], you open it like this...
you stand on the doorstep and there is winter, there is morning, there is dark and somewhere there ahead...
somewhere there ahead is school.
And there is also four years of learning ahead.
You stood before all this like an astronaut before open space.
And then in there like....
And what use was to think up what to say to mom, what to say to granny?
Then: apologies for being like drunk [man]?
You understand yourself that you're just talking, talking, talking...
I want to say I don't understand why I'm telling all this, although I feel the reason very clearly.
It is...
It can be clearly felt here and sometimes it steps up there...
The reason!
But as soon as to name it... how to say? name it?
that is, to name it, to utter it... to put it in some words
and then - bam! - it's not the reason anymore.
But to name ten reasons...all together they are reasons, but each for itself - not a reason.
Why are you listening to me? I don't understand. You have your reasons, I can't handle my own reasons, what could't I do with yours?
I want to tell I won't say a single word about reasons today. I promise, enough about reasons.
I want...more precisely, not that I want...
probably, some other word is needed for it.
Not that I want, I will, I will be telling about the man that is not,
which was and which is not anymore.
Nobody, except me, has noticed he is not anymore.
And when I'm talking about this man I always say: "I said", "I did" or "I remember".
But I clearly remember that was not me.
That was another man and he has no chance to appear again.
And god save!
I had do or it happened so that I served three years on navy on Pacific... it was such man.
I clearly remember how he showed up, I remember the moment he appeared.
I remember also the man that was until that man, and I remember that time...
I remember you first indications of this man appeared in me.
That happened when we were transfered to railway station and we were being seated into train-cars.
We were brought to railway station in my native city and seated in train-cars to be brought to east to serve in the navy.
To the east.
But according to my senses my native city is already located in the east.
That is, I had never been more to the east than my native city before that time.
But then - in the train-car and four days to the east...
And you know what I discovered?
I discovered: it's possible to go east from my native city for four days,
three days to the west, long time to the north and long time to the south.
And all the time there will be the same landscape outside the window:
trees.
Trees!
There are trees on one side of the railway, and there are trees on the other side of the railway,
and if to count [all trees] along this transsiberian line there will probably be the same number on both sides.
And there is no place where they would grow thick, dense, and there is no place where there wasn't trees.
They're somewhat evened.
Mainly birches...those white with black spots, and aspen trees about which I can say nothing at all.
That is, you go to east and they're flashing like this...
to the west like that...
There's no difference!
What I mean is that there's such landscape outside the train window looking at which russian man is simply obliged to say:
What beauty!
And it looks like this: train is running, compartment cars,
second day in a row to the east or to the west, that doesn't matter...
compartment opens in the morning with a swish like this...
a man comes out, he has checquered towel on his shoulder, toothbruth with toothpaste already on in his hand,
he came out, opened the curtain, there is this...
and he: Oh! Interesting, where are we going!
There's another man, he already has boiling water, spoon clatters in the glass,
he's trying to walk steady and he's staggering even more because of that,
and: If someone knew!
Really? But what beauty nevertheless!
We were going to east to serve there, and two deckhands accompanied us.
Those were the first two deckhands I saw in my life.
I mean, there was no sea in our city and deckhands were of no use.
Of course, I had seen deckhands in movies or monuments, but what were [they] like in movies or monuments?
They were big.
They were clearly and significantly older than me.
They had such moustache.
They always had cartridge belts.
And fundaments of the state could be felt in them.
But these two deckhands were real.
They both were of small stature, about this big,
one of them really had a moustache, but such moustache that it was possible to count how many hair there were.
You could count with precision of one hair within a minute.
Other one was called Kolya, he was from Tambow,
he had bandy legs and badge "For long way".
But main thing about these deckhands were mariner's hats.
You understand, for normal, contemporary man it's strange headgear.
Agree with me. And moreover, they were holding on their heads like nimbuses.
And it was incomprehensible how they were holding, that is, hair was cut short, nowhere to attach or stick,
but how?
There's only two possibilities: a miracle or a trick.
Then I served for year and a half myself,
and it started to hold without any tricks.
Yet it should fall down!
We were staking those two deckhands with questions and we made it look like we were not interested
in how would the service be and they made it look like it was not pleasant for them to answer although it was very pleasant for them
and it was very interesting for us.
And we asked: how will the sevice be?
And they enthousiastically answered like this:
Well, how will (***) the service be (***)?
Service (***) will be normal (***).
Why are you sneaking before time?
Just like in pioneer summer camp, that's how the service will be (***).
Well, me and Kolya served (***)... Kolya!
Kolya knows, don't you, Kolya?
So take notice of it: sevice will be fine (***),
main thing is not to get to (***) Russian Island (***), otherwise service will be fine (***).
I heard this name...
agree, name is strange - Russian Island...
And I even asked again: excuse me, is there really such island?
There is. (***)
Forget about it, alright?
Forget about it.
You probably want service to be normal (***), you don't want it to be unnatural (***)?
So forget about it, right?
But I kept it in mind.
That is, I shouldn't get there.
That is, if not to get there, service could be normal; if to get there, service will be unnatural, there's no sense getting there.
But that it would be normal...it was clear at once that it wouldn't be. In any case.
Train was running, running, running...
Trees were flashing and with every tree it was getting scarrier and scarrier.
Then one flash - ??? city.
Big city. There's much people living there for a long time.
And we went farther.
And it became even scarrier.
These deckhands were amusing, they were not funny, rather amusing.
Later these two deckhands dissolved among hundreds of other deckhands
and it was impossible to distinguish them from others.
And I myself dissolved among thousands and it was impossible to distinguish me from others,
but all deckhands are amusing. Not funny, rather amusing.
Now I'll show what mariners can be like. Not funny, but amusing.
Mariners were amusing. In every station they went on the platform
they had old casette recorder, they put on music which was most fancy at the moment
went like this and watched if somebody was looking at them or not.
[somedy] is looking. So everything is not done in vain.
So, train was running, running
it became more scarry and scarry.
What was I afraid of?
What was so scarry in my life that I was already frightened and scared?
Where did fear come from?
What could I be afraid of? What was there so terrible in my life that I could be afraid and understand
that I will go there and there will be the same only more frightening?
Nothing more scarry like when you open...
door like that...
and there's winter, dark, and school somewhere ahead. And go!
There was nothing scarrier that this.
Main thing: you go to school and it's very cold. Very.
You always go somehow like this...
You understand, don't you?
It's...warmer this way, arms don't touch sleeves.
Near go your fellows in misery...
Moms are pulling firstgraders and they sleep as they walk...
And especially gifted are being brought on sledge...
All of this is moving towards school.
You can completely shut off your brain, you shut off your brain and legs go by themselves.
Because they know this path.
And all of this is so familiar, snow is crunching, lanterns everywhere, sounds of boulevard somewhere away...
all those sounds fall into your brain at once and disturbs your living and you go...
shadows, shadows and ahead there's already schoolyard
and there is so cold and terrible winter trees
The school itself cannot be seen yet, only windows are seen.
Three windows at a time. These windows are light, those are classrooms.
And light coming from there is so poisonous!
You draw your head into your shoulders like a turtle in the shell, and you go on.
You go. But there is nothing you should be afraid of!
Why should you be? You've done your lessons, mom has checked them, everything is correct.
Why are you going there and why are you afraid? There's school-corner.
You have to make a turn there and you know as soon as you make a turn wind will blow in your face.
You make a turn and - indeed! - wind blows in the face!
There's little roof and lantern: that's school entrance.
And under this lantern in that entrance everybody is being sucked in from every direction.
Three windows on the second floor...
most poisonous light comes from there - that is russian language and literature class.
And first two lessons are russian language. And russian language.
You, personally, have nothing to be afraid of, you've done all lessons, you've learned this chapter,
you've repeated that chapter, necessary excercises you have done accurately without delving into details,
marked sentence you have divided into components, using pencil underlined with one line, two lines, corrugated line...
for some reason i don't like that stupid dot-line-dot-line!
Yes! Marked word you have divided...
prefix, root, suffix...
there turned out to be no ending.
Mom checked it, everything is correct, you have nothing to be afraid of, but you don't know yet that teacher doesn't love you.
It's not that she doesn't love you because you're like this or that.
She doesn't love anyone at all.
And is it later, afterwards will turn out - teacher wasn't needed for loving [you].
Until now everybody loved you: you're the best, most beautiful, most wonderful, smartest...
All relatives were exalted.
Even if you memorized some easy poem about a hare or a ram...
Easy one, it was not hard for you.
Of course, you made it look like big effort, but in reality it wasn't.
You sit on your room, some guests come to visit your parents, they drink something, have snacks, everybody is cheerful...
You know very well what will happen now.
Dad will say: well, son, come here.
Go on!
They give you something from the table, and...
But here - teacher doesn't love [you].
You know everything here, everything there.
And you know: you will enter classroom, there's some good girl cleaning blackboard with wet rag.
At first blackboard is shining, then it will dry and cover with white spots.
And teacher has class journal on the desk which has your name and all about you inside.
And behind teacher's desk there's flowerpot with some kind of plant you can't stand watching at.
And you know: as soon as blackboard gets dry, she will come in and it will start!
But there, in another part of the building, there are three windows - that's chemistry cabinet.
In general, that isn't hard subject, it's not hard to... even amusing.
But there above the blackboard always day or night Mendeleyev's table is hanging and - most important - Mendeleyev's portrait.
And Mendeleyev is looking at you all the time.
And even if when Mendeleyev is used to you sitting by the window and you go to sit by the wall...
it didn't take more that two seconds for him to find you and fix his stare on you!
If he wasn't watching...
it woud have been easy to learn whole table along with chemistry. But he watched all the time!
Teacher doesn't love you.
There it was much worse...well, not that worse...
We were sitting in train-cars, there were may of us.
Train was going to far east.
We were going to serve and all this was somehow real, somewhat serious,
somehow...I don't know how.
Very real and very serious.
Train went, went, went, went...
Then - boom!
and railway ended.
All in all, country ended along with it,
continent ended along with it.
And there was Vladivostok.
We had to step out of the cars.
We stepped out...
and I didn't take liking in Vladivostok from the very beginning.
Why didn't I take liking it it?
Was it worse then my native city? No, porbably better. It is, after all, city or russian mariners, russian glory...
What's there in my city? Factories and manufactures. That's all.
Here it smelled like sea. But I somehow didn't like smell of the sea.
Why didn't I take liking in this city? In Vladivostok live many, many people, they were born there,
they grew up there, they lived there, they died there and were content.
But I didn't take liking in it!
To be honest, I didn't take a look at Vladivostok during day even once.
We arrived there early in the morning and there was thick fog, even something between fog and rain,
that is, either very thick fog or very thin rain
which is hanging in the air and isn't falling down.
All city consisted of those strange lights and some sounds, and there were ships murmuring
anyway, there was special sound coming from the ships.
I didn't see anything, all was as if...
well, it was fog and everything was in the fog.
And Vladivostok, as I've already said, I never saw in daylight because after about two hours
when it still wasn't completely visible, I was already being brought to Russian Island.
And that happened so very simple...
Absolutely simple!
There was no conspiracy against me, no mystics, the was no sly plot...
There just came a man, normal, common man,
only he was in uniform, that's all.
By the way, his uniform was very smooth while man himself was very crumpled.
He came, he looked at us twice.
And he was dissatisfied.
He came, he was smoking like this... looked [at us] right away...looked [at us]...
I think this decision was made beforehand, he simply said it out aloud. He said...
he looked [at us]...
Where to [send] them?
To Russian Island.
I heard this
and cold shiver ran down my spine.
I didn't say a thing. It sounded with some dull echo in my brain and in all me.
But I didn't say a thing, imagine, absolutely nothing. Until that I always said something,
Granny tells me: eat your soup! I say: I won't!
Or dad says: take out the garbage. [I say]: later!
There I said nothing. I didn't even say: Excuse me...I just want to say it so that you knew,
just to inform you and nothing more. I just want to say that...
I am not satisfied with this decision.
Or: can you come here for a moment?
Perhaps, we could find some other option?
I didn't say anything. I let to put new uniform on me...
and to bring me to Russian Island.
Why did I allow to do this to me?
Why did I allow that? I don't understand, until this day I don't understand why I let to do this to me.
I didn't feel myself guilty, I hadn't done anything bad,
I hadn't offended anyone seriously, I hadn't done any crime requiring legal punishment so that I could be punished for real.
Sure, I had deceived my parents in some small matters, I had corrected marks in my reportbook,
I had ripped out some pages and some other, some...twaddle, there were some lies.
Once I even stole pasty in the shop.
But one are not sent to Russian Island for this!
Why did I let to do that to me?
We were brough to port, to a motorboat. Motorboat was small.
I thought: how will we go to Russian Island on such small motorboat?
Probably we must go to Russian Island several hours overcoming storm?
??? there is Russian Island.
In mild, just opening morning Russian Island was seen.
I saw it...it turned out to be completely different from cartoons!
Well, how does island in cartoons look like?
Island in cartoons is always like this: sea...
exatly in the middle of the sea is an island...
a hill, exactly in the middle if this hill there's always a palm-tree...
and a parrot!
This island was absolutely nothing alike.
It was big, it was near, and there were not palms on it because it was Russian Island.
Motorboat started moving, it departed...
Such silence set in...everybody fell silent...
Until this we unexperiencedly cursed, we enlivened each other, laughed in unnatural voices...
then motorboat departed and everybody fell silent because those who were escorting us fell silent first.
Right after that we fell silent and it became so frightful.
There was a feeling as if motorboat was standing still only water...
as if motorboat was standing but island was coming towards [us].
It was so frightening.
It's like...
when boy is brought to first grade for the first time.
In the morning he has put on this new school form,
he's standing and he doesn't recognise himself.
His hair are being tidied out,
grandmother has cut gladiolus in the summer cottage,
she gave gladiolus to him. Gladiolus are so juicy, so thick, they don't go in his hand,
boy holds them...granny looks at him...
Our Sashenka is such a big boy...
and she went weeping to her room.
But Sashenka was taken by hand and brought...
he goes with these flowers in hand... eyes without any expression...
He is being asked: do you want to go to school? I do!
What marks will you receive? A's!
Attaboy.
He is brought to school.
There is many dressed up people, girls also with flowers, such ribbons...
Ribbons like this, but girls are standing like this...
Girls, too, are afraid.
Then...
first bell...
There's your first teacher, go, give her flowers.
And go there yourselves...
And children were brought away. Afterwards, boy returns from school...
so weird.
[they] ask him:
How was it?
What "how?"! It's not boy asking this, that's me asking: what "how?"
Did you think it was different? Didn't you know where you brought him?
Mendeleyev wasn't waiting long for new ones.
So why do you ask?
He, too, will be going...silent.
Motorboat was going.
I sat, I had new uniform on which was smelling of warehouse
and fresh...dye.
I was sitting. And from all things I had from my home there was only an apple left.
Apple was in some plastic bag where it was wet and there was such apple inside...
all in such brown spots which appear on apple from hits... it was not nice.
It also had a little twig and little dry leaf.
Leaf had gotten soaked because it was wet in the bag and it was such wet dry leaf.
You can't say it any other way.
It was wet dray leaf!
This apple was given to me by mom when she saw me off to service, she gave me it in railway station in native city...
Don't think she gave me it like this: Son! Take [this] apple!
No, no, no. That was bag with products.
There was some tomatoes, apples, canned food, bread, cheese.
Salt in match-box.
Everything was eaten, there was just this apple left because it was the smallest and ugliest one.
In that moment when motorboat was going... more precisely, when island was coming towards us,
I didn't want to eat, I didn't even have thoughts about eating, I just understood I have to eat this apple immediately while island hadn't definitely arrived.
I ate it immediately.
I ate it along with medulla, with those membranes and seeds.
I had only this twig with a leaf in my fingers.
I twiddled it, I sat and twiddled it, leaf like this, like that, like this, like that.
Then I threw it away.
What else was I supposed to do?
I had nothing left.
Absolutely nothing.
There was only me left
this me
well...me!
in new uniform
But until this I had whole life and much of everything.
Many things, people, activities.
[I had] whole life which...
Moreover, my life wasn't ending this moment, I hadn't died, correct? I hadn't died.
It's just that I threw this twig away
and in that moment
this man appeared.
But motorboat kept on going.
Nothing had changed.
I was sitting and looking forward.
If to read in a book: "he was sitting and looking forward", you can imagine in different ways how he was sitting...
But me, no...I was just sitting like this.
In such position of body head is like this, there is face on the head, and there are eyes on the face.
It's not that I was sitting and looking forward. I was sitting and seeing forward!
Then I turned my head together with face and eyes...
and I looked there.
And there between cape and island was such water
that it was clear...it was in such colour that it was clear there was so much water I couldn't even comprehend.
Until this I hadn't properly seen the sea.
We had only little river in our city.
I had whole life there,
but then I turned my head like this...
I had whole life...
but then I turned my head like this...
And I saw ocean for the first time in my life.
I was once asked
Tell, what is the sky above Pacific Ocean like?
I said: but sk...
sky...
and suddenly I realized I hadn't looked there even once.
I hadn't looked there even once!
????
But sky was always there.
There was sky during day and during night.
There was sky above Russian Island, too.
There shouldn't be sky above this place. How is it possible to have sky above Russian Island?
That is sky! How could it be there?
But it was there and I never looked at it.
So that...
don't turn with this question to me.
Then motorboat arrived...
and it began!
Motorboad arrived sooner, it's just that telling takes long time.
Imagine...
Imagine, you wake up in the morning, you wake up and you're a hussar.
Hussar, real military hussar, you have hat with this thing...
buttons
those strappings
sword and a horse.
And there was no carnival yesterday where you could've get drunk, forget to undress and wake up like this being a hussar. No.
You are real hussar.
You know in what regiment you serve, and horse knows you.
And just like this, imagine, every morning,
every morning during those three years I woke up
with one and the same thought:
I am a deckhand.
Real one.
Imagine, real one. Much more real than those in monuments and movies.
Real one. The longer I served, the more I was astonished.
But, thank God, on Russian Island... not that we weren't allowed to think about it, we didn't have
to think about it much
and that was due to those men which met us there.
Such people met us there...they were officers.
Those were people with such I hadn't earlier, well, until then, well, not that I haven't met any, I hadn't talked to such people until then.
It can't be said I had talked with officers because they always did the speaking.
But I always had strict feeling of dialogue after that!
We were ordered in line...morever, I had this feeling like exactly I was ordered in line but as if I were three hundred men.
And I was greeted...until then nobody had greeted me like that. [They] said to me:
Good day...comrades...mariners...
Officers, officers never used swerawords, never. They felt themselves to be important men, almost aristocrats,
but their lips themselves whispered needed ideas!
It's not that phrases became so-so, they became absolutely no-how.
They tried not to do senseless things, those officers.
That's why they said:
Good day...comrades...mariners...
We understad...it's hard and complicated...for you now...
You want to go home to mommy!
No way!
You think you'd become men beside mommy.
No way. But here (sh...) we will make you such (sh...), and fast way (sh...).
And remember (sh...) that following three years (sh...) you will have no closer relatives than us (sh...).
But you want to go home to mommy.
And this urge distracts you from serving your fatherland (sh...)!
But we will make sure each one of you has only three (sh...) simple (sh...) manly (sh...) urges left:
that is, to eat, to drink, to sleep!
And to achieve this, understand us correctly,
we don't don this for the first time, thank God, you are not the first ones and you are not the last ones...
we will give you little to eat (sh...), to drink (sh...), to sleep (sh...)!
They did as they had told.
And it became easier.
Not because we liked to get little of all this...no.
Earlier there was some military service waiting in future, it was somehow frightful, then we were put in train-cars,
we were brought to far east, it became more frightful, then we were put on motorboat and brought to Russian Island,
it was totally/in general frightful. That's the thing that it was frightful in general.
But then we arrived and it became frightful in the concrete.
And that's why it became easier.
Officers were such people...they were such people...
how to say? To say they were energic is to say nothing.
They were...they were attaboys.
As if they were winded up once and it never comes to end.
For example, they said...being winded up, they talked like this:
just a moment...
Chinese are attacking! You have thirty seconds to protect your fatherland!
We had nothing against it.
What was required to do that?
It was required to get dressed fast and we got dressed fast.
They were not satisfied.
It was required [to do it] faster...
We got dressed really fast.
They were not satisfied but it's possible to understand them, they must be understood...
and it will be better for everybody to understand them because...
it's not hard to understand them. Sometime they...
sometime they had joind their military school.
You can imagine, they joined their military school and saw: this is life.
In this life I will be cadet for five years, then I will be lieutenant, then senior lieutenant,
then captain-lieutenant, then 3rd grade captain, then 2nd grade, then 1rd grade,
then, if I'm lucky and in good healyh, I'll become rear-admiral, then vice-admiral, and then,
if I'm in good health and lucky one more time, I will become totally admiral.
Then I will be grey-haired, pleasant and nice.
But now I can't do so, sorry.
That's because for the present he...
is senior lieutenant and he is standing of cold floor...
in some garrison dormitory in some garrison town,
he's washing himself, it's not cold water flowing from faucet, it is ice cold water
and there is small, round mirror with a crack
and in this mirror there is no sign of admiral, there is senior lieutenant.
And this senior lieutenant shaves himself with cheap razor...
meanwhile, it's not that he thinks about, he dreams there will be... moreover, he simply sees...
he sees how there will come wonderful times, there will be ships the likes of which are not yet built,
and there will always be good weather, there will be blue sky with small clouds, there will be strong, yet warm wind,
and this warm wind is needed for flags to...
He will be entering the deck of his flagship and wonderful deckhands will be expecting him.
He'll approach first one...what's the difference? They're all wonderful! [he'll] tap him on his shoulder and ask: how's the sevice, sonny?
That [deckhand] will answer nothing. He's wonderful deckhand, how could he answer?
But it will be pleasant for deckhand, and admiral will be feeling fine.
Meanwile, he's finished shaving. He takes cheap cologne...
Then he puts on all senior lieutenatn's [clothes].
Puts on mariner's hat.
Goes out on the street. Wind is strong and very cold there.
He goes...and wind blows all over shaven and cologned [face]...
Women won't understand this.
Nightmare. He's going like this...
holding mariner's hat.
And there are we expecting him.
He arrived...he arrived at sevice, somewhere there we are standing, among "we" I am standing somewhere.
He arrived...
lifting up his eyes...
That's because he definitely didn't want to see this.
Because we are standing there, I am standing there. Very real. Very.
As soon as he saw me he immediately understood nothing of what he had dreamt up will become true.
Who's to blame? Me.
Why? Because I am.
I am real and there's nothing to do about it. I felt this guilt before him
because nothing will work out for him because I am like this.
I am very real.
That's why everything was ritual in Russian Island. Everything. Everything was brought to state of ritual.
Of course, there was practical core in every ritual, but it's boring to talk about that. The main thing was beauty.
Beauty was needed. And most beautiful, powerful ritual...
was ritual ????
There was practial core in this ritual but that's boring to talk about, there was much more beauty.
This ritual was very important, it was mass [ritual], it was performed the same way in every season, in every weather.
Yes, here it's needed to tell what conditions were required to participate in this ritual.
There were not many condition, three (as minimum).
First: it was needed to be born a boy in our state.
Second: to become eighteen years of age.
Third: to get on Russian Island and you're participant of ritual by default!
By default.
How was it done?
It was done like this:
6:00 am sharp national anthem was played loud on radio. It meant: time to get up.
We got up very fast. Uniform in every season and every weather was the same:
blue pants, boots and mariner's cap.
We had pants already on. All of them were blue.
We put boots on very fast, without socks. We put on mariner's cap while going...
and we ran and slept while running.
?????
There were fifteen hundred men running from one side, and thousand from other side.
All of them were running and knew where they were running to.
Georgians, tajiks, armenians, aserbaijani...uzbeks...
Somewhat strange like inclusions in amber there were estonians and latvians and lithuanians.
Few of them.
And mostly we.
Very many of us.
We were running...
to the sea.
Wind-blown, sun-burnt, not very clean palms...
wind-blown, not very clean faces and necks,
all the rest white and blue pants.
We stopped. There was such ridge about three metres high between two beaches.
One company (three hundred men) could stand on top of it.
We stood there,
first company was more lucky, seventh - less,
we stood like this, put down our pants strictly after order and pissed in the sea.
And there was duty-officer who looked after beauty.
He strictly looked after that only when the last one had finished, only when the last one had finished, yes...
I forgot to mention that force of wind and its direction were in no way taken into account.
He made sure that only when the last one had finished... but there were some very talented people!
He was looking...when the last one had finished he gave the order, we put on pants, gave place to another company
and always, when third of fourth company was in place, cruise ship flew into bay...
all in lights and with tourists...
And there was something so powerful in it, that it was clear that at least from the east nobody will attack us.
I'm not an idiot, understand that. I understand... I don't want to say we pissed in the sea and weren't attacked because of that.
We had good ballistic missiles, nuclear submarines, cruisers...
But we were doing something.
There were many of us.
Any weather, any season.
We weren't attacked during this, consequently - we were doing fine.
Also there were butterflies on Russian Island.
So big butterflies...later I read about them in encyclopedia, they are called swallowtails, there are many species of them,
those were of species living exclusively in this region.
Very big. Huge. This big.
Bigger than a sparrow. Huge butterflies.
They had very beautiful emerlad green wings, upper side of wings was emerald green, lower side - velvet black.
Officers told us about these butterflies:
God save [you] if some sucker will (***) kill even one butterfly!
These butterflies (sh...) are written into Red Book (sh...)!
We are like (sh...) ???? before these butterflies. They are found (sh...) only here!
They are living here for million years already (sh...) but you will *** everything here in half an hour (sh...)!
God save.
These butterflies, they...
they appeared about mid-june and flew around until mid-august.
It seemed they understood themsleves how important and marvellous they were. They flew slowly.
They gathered in small pack, sat on the rocks and flew...slowly and nicely. I will show you now.
They flew like this...
I squashed three of them.
When I killed the first one, it crunched between fingers...
It turned out it had surprised, rainbow-coloured eyes, it looked right at me...
Its antennae were twitching, wings broke easily and dust flew around [when they broke].
Some yellow junk flowed out of it.
Afterwards, I washed my hands long and hard... Really, god save!
Officer doesn't joke...
I killed it for real, I didn't play jokes. I killed for real. And every one of us squashed at least three!
What else could we take our vengeance on?
What was weaker than us?
Anyway, there was so much to be ashamed of...
such shameful things I have never told about and I won't be telling because it will be unpleasant to tell and unpleasant to hear.
That is, there's no sense in telling.
Such shameful things that shouldn't have happened to anybody, not to me, not to you, not to anybody,
because sometime...
we were little. I was little. What does "I was little" mean?
That was already me, just man of small measurements, not living for long in this world, I had new arms and legs and nothing was hurting.
I could, for example, run and yell for hours.
Somebody of grownups could say: Stop yelling! But I was astonished how could it be interesting to run without yelling?
All has to be done simultaneously.
Another thing. Time was...
it's not that there was much or little time.
It simply was...
this much.
That is - all the time.
Because of this it was possible to stand in winter when it was snowing...
and light is so white, white because sun can not be seen, because there are clouds and snow is falling from these clouds.
You stand, you have your coat on and coat is so thick you can't put your arms down, you do like this...
such coat.
mittens granny has knited you, rubber band...
you stand and it's possible to catch snowflake on those wool threads.
And it can be seen very clearly. This snowflake.
It is so big, it can be examined carefuly, and then...
and it turns into small drop of water hanging on this wool thread.
Catch another snowflake. It's different. Examined it, ...
And hour and a half this way.
It can't be said that it's much fun yet it's not boring either.
Or when fresh snow has fallen, you try to fall on your back. You fell. Then you try to stand up carefully and look what trace has left.
And then - whole yard's in your traces.
And you're covered in snow like a penguin, snow is here, here, here, everywhere. You go into doorway and stand by the pipes.
And it started flowing!
And those hard pieces of snow on you mittens you eat off like this, then you spit around for a long time because there's wool and everything...
And all that is so wonderful... Or you're playing snow-fight in the yard.
You have snowball in your hand and you have sneaked up to your friend, your enemy,
you have sneaked up, you have aimed well and any moment you will hit him in the head with this good snowball
and in this moment some grownup calls from the window - cartoons! And you...
Cartoons! They were showed rearly, that was such...
that was more than...such satisfaction could be got from bonbons or ice cream. You took it, you fell silent and you ate.
In this moment you don't read papers, you don't watch TV, you don't argue with anybody.
And you eat this bonbon or ice cream with your whole body.
And whole body gets satisfaction from this.
You do this with concentration. But cartoons - they are [meant] for soul.
They are shown rearly. Monday you skim through whole week's TV program, find them on saturday, draw a circle around and put "!"
and tell to grownups - god save if you miss that!
There are fifteen minutes of cartoons...happiness!
You ran in, you fell like this, and one could even cut you in pieces...
You fell how you will be receiving this happiness and joy from cartoons.
You wait and they don't start. It's either some drawn screen or something else, or like in earlier days this announcer
read evening's TV program. You think: how doesn't he understand he's stealing from you valuable seconds of your cartoons!
Then started cartoon music, those strange cartoon letters, you couldn't stand any longer and went to take a pee,
you came back and these letters are cheering you up, they're strange, you don't read what's written there, that's not important, letters are cheering you up.
And in this moment you're already like this...
Of course, some puppet movies were shown.
Puppet!
How can one show puppet movies to alive kids!
There are puppets, they do...
It's unpleasant to watch them.
What are the characters there? A bear, for example, a hare and a hedgehog.
Bear is for certain tightfisted, he has jar of honey and there's "honey" written on.
He doesn't give it to anybody. Hedgehog and hare don't eat honey in real life,
but here for some reason they want it. And that one doesn't give [it to them].
This hedgehog is always laborious, reasonable, smart, he's collecting apples and mushrooms on his needles.
They have weird forests - apples and mushrooms in the same place. He is carrying them. But hare -
he goes to bear, then he goes to hedgehog who will give some nice advice. They go chatting and in the end
this bear understands nobody will talk to him if he's tightfisted and he shares. In the end of such cartoon all those animals sing song about friendship.
Total nonsense!
You don't take offence, no. You watched this nonsense till the end.
You don't know that man who made this, it's not that he doesn't love, he just doesn't care.
You didn't take offence. You went out running again. If none of your buddies are in the yard
you can play stupid 'mothers and daughters' with girls
or to find some dead sparrow and to bury it.
If some winter evening...there was a word for it...driven in. Everybody was driven in.
You were left alone. Everybody was driven in but [grownups] forgot about you. You walk like this...and it's all the same to you.
You don't know how to be bored, how to be sad, how to feel alone yet. You don't feel wonderful, but you don't feel bad either.
You simply walk around. You for certain find yourself some activity. You look - windows are shining. There Vityka is driven in, there - Sanyka.
Nothing. Evening sets in, it becomes cold. Lanterns. You approach street door or iron swing...
You apporached street door. There's doorknob here, that's because you're little doorknob is here.
There's lanterns, steam from mouth, such cold and you're thinking: someone told me I had to lick it for sure.
Main thing - you didn't take offence. Because you don't know yet how to take offence.
You don't know how to take offence because as soon as you learn how to take offence...in the very same second,
not the next one! this very same second you will learn how to offend!
But you don't know it yet. Some sunday you're lying in your bed under the sheets.
As this is sunday you're not needed anywhere, everybody's forgotten about you.
Just granny remembered. But you lie down and think: Why to lie here?...but what will I do? Ah, I'll just lie down.
Granny remembered about you because she's already baked pancakes. And these pancakes are standing in such pile in the kitchen.
She put jam on the table and says: we should wake him up.
And granny goes to wake you up. She lifts up bedspread, you're lying there and you have such back...and fluffs on your spine.
She fondles you down your back. Granny has coarse hands because she's been working all her life.
And you do like this...
Then some thirty years went by.
Back is big and there's no fluff on it.
You have already made such a mess in your life...
such a mess, such a trouble...god!
You lie down and can't fall asleep. You think: how terrible it is. You remember some ***
because of which you start feeling ashamed, some *** which has not necesserily happened to you,
but to this man or even before that, and there's noone who could remind you of it,
perhaps, some of them are not alive anymore, you don't remember it yourself, but then suddenly you remembered it while brushing teeth or shaving yourself.
And then you want so much to...
You're trying to fall asleep.
You have bad things piled up in your work...
Boss is offending you and someone has treated you unjustly or you have lent money to someone,
you call him after half a year to get the money back. You ask: will you give the money back? But he says: forget it!
You think: how - forget it? wait a minute. You're lying down and all this makes a mess in your head.
And you can't fall asleep and imagine how you will tell him everything tomorrow. When you think about this during night
words put themselves in right places, he says something to you and you know perfectly well what to answer him.
That is, you said something, he said something, and then you...
And this way until six in the morning.
Then you fell asleep, forgot everything, after forty minutes alarm-clock rang, you got up...and where did everything go?
All certainty, those words...you stood up in your room and: So...
After some time you attend your business in work or somewhere, i don't know, you attend your business,
you walk through your city, pass by houses, grocery you know,
pass by bus stop and newsstand you know, there's red trams, yellow buses, blue trolleys,
you know all those lines - where do they go, where do they turn, where do they come back.
You go thorugh your native city and people see such man. That is, you go but people see such man!
You go like this and talk to yourself... And don't talk to me like that!
Excuse me! ????
Actually, in this momen one wants to take as little space as possible. Well, someday I weighed three and a half kilos?
Sure, it's hopeless to slim down that much now.
But one remembers that time like some flashes. That means - it was good then. And that's why I don't remember anything about it.
And one wants to lie down so much, and to lie a little like this.
And this is before I was brought home, before it was known if I was boy or girl,
before I was given some name.
I existed before that. I was floating in the darkness like a fish and I had a tail.
Where did my tail go?
I don't remember, I don't remember anything about it because it probably was really good.
I remember how dad used to bring me to kindergarten on sleigh. I was being brought and above me was dark sky and stars.
And when I was being brought back from kindergarten again there was dark and there were stars above me.
Where did day go?
Why don't I remember day?
Probably, because it was good during the day, that's why I don't remember.
But somehow I remember so clearly about Russian Island!
I somehow remember this so clearly...in smallest details. But that's not the most important, most important -
it's interesting wether there was a man, real man, completely real man with name, surname, passport, passport number, adress,
that is, concrete, real man who in reality needed what we were doing there.
Who could say: yes, I need it. Who liked it and who could say: yes, I like what they're doing and - ***! - let them continue!
I can't imagine this man.
What man that must be! I suppose...
there is no such man. And never will there be any.
But I could fall down in the snow, look at the stars and think: there are stars! and farther there are more stars!
behind stars there are more stars, and after that - infinity! and another infinity...oh, infinity.
Better not to think about it. Infinity.
Infinity.
Or you could lie in your room and think when you were little: oh, granny will die, then...
that's very bad that granny would die, but she will. Then parents will die. That won't be anytime soon,
all in all that's terrible, better not to think about it, but after that I will die.
That will completely, totally...but I will die in the end... you think: die, die...I will die!
Suddenly you understood that...and you can't simply lie down in your room alone.
You went to your parents, knocked at the door. And dad: what are you doing there! go to sleep!
And you think: really, what came in my mind?
And all three years
threre was one and the same thought in my head:
I want to go home. Even without "I", just: want to go home, want to go home...
like when train is rumbling - t-dk, t-dk, t-dk... one and the same though all the time.
You don't even pay attention to it like to rumbling of the train, but when the trains stops in it becomes silent you realize:
oh, it was rumbling.
And the same here: want to go home, want to go home...
Three years of service ended, I returned home,
and for the first night I slept in my home.
I dreamt about this so much, I thought I would sleep twenty four hours...
I would sleep for twenty four hours... but 6:00 am sharp!
And suddenly there's a thought: want to go home. Then: stop!
Stop, stop. Where am I?
Then such unhappy thought: but where is home?
And then totally unhappy thought: there is no home. There is no home.
Until this day when I don't feel well, I may probably be in the same place what is called "home"
or a place about which I could say: "I'm going home". I am in that place.
I don't feel well and I have this thought: want to go home.
Where is home? There is no home.
All buddies wanted to go home so much. They even wanted to go to such home to which it's impossible to want to go.
To such towns which you pass by in the train and look:
oh, town...lord! Do people live here, too?
But this is some one's native town. And he has everything there.
Everything. And there will be no other.
They wanted to go there. Wanted so much. Also, there was a feeling
which it was possible to analize and formulate only later.
That is: land where you were born and motherland are different places.
And also there was this constant feeling of being betrayed.
So heavily betrayed! And one had to take offence so seriously.
Had to...we hadn't betrayed anyone. We were deckhands, how could be betray anyone?
But we were betrayed.
It was hard to sort that out. Suppose, we found out motherland or state had betrayed us.
How con one take offence against it? One has to serve it.
And it was so big, motherland and state was so big. It was hard to sort that out.
But it was necessary to take offence so that it became possible to serve motherland. And do you know against whom it was most porductive to take offence?
Well, most productive regarding service.
And most effective. I'll tell you know against whom we did take offence.
We took offence against girls who - *** - didn't wait for their mariners to come back!
And I must tell you none of them waited.
Even those guys who didn't have any girls, they hadn't even smelled them once.
They thought them up and those thought-up girls walked out on them.
But in order to take offence
it was necessary to to accomplish a ritual. It was needed to go to photographer's
to take romantic picture,
to take this photo and write down: "let my unmoving face remind you about me"
and to send it to some faraway city.
And after sending: ***...
After that it was possible to serve motherland normally.
I clearly remember the feeling with which I entered my room after the service.
I went into the room, I see: little room, 16 square meters, not big.
Earlier I didn't thing about square meters: room is a room.
Anyway, that was home. What does "home" mean?
Sure, it was specific street in specific city,
specific house, specific flat, not very big. We were living in it. That was home.
That is: home.
I return to specific street, specific city, specific house, specific flat, but where is home?
And moreover, this room of 16 square meters, what is it? I used to live there and I didn't even think
how many square meters there were, it was enough for me, I lived in it.
Inside this room...
In this room I was living in, I listened to music.
I turned the tape-recorder on and listened to music.
That music was so nice, everything changed at once. That is, there was room always in disorder,
there was window with tree on the other side, some brick house, it was raining all the time and red trams went by.
But, as soon as music started, everything changed. Things weren't tossed around, they lied down.
It was not rain outside the window, rather drizzle.
Trams were running. It was not brick house, rather house made out of bricks.
And tree somehow...
And this music was so wonderful that I felt is so strongly and I wanted to play the bass so much...
I didn't want to be a musician, I wanted to be what I already was but I wanted to play the bass exactly in this piece of music
because I though playing the bass was easier.
And to play for sure! I had played it many times, true, I didn't own a bass-guitar, but I played perfect.
I also dreamt, while this music was playing, to perform in some movie, not the lead role, but to be such mariner with moustache and cartridge-belts,
to fight for motherland so that some bullet could hit me, I fell down and died. That's all.
The very first frame: fell down, died, that's all. But so that this music would be playing
and I would be playing the bass...
And if, together with all this, it was possible to see how I was sitting in my room
listening to music, and it was possible to feel how much I liked this music, and this movie wasn't taken on cinema camera
but the way I see it... Well, I am looking from inside my head.
I don't feel boundries of my head while doing this.
I simply see.
You're looking at me, but I - from within the brain - at you.
I'm listening to music inside the head, but music is everywhere.
And I somebody filmed how I was playing the bass, dying for motherland, living in my room...
that is - the way I live. If somebody did that...
that would be the very best cinema in the world!
The way I live.
The very best.
I came back home, yet there is no home. Turned on the music, good music.
In general, it was difficult to begin to listen to music again, to watch some shows, to read, simply walk through the streets.
We were once punished with art there.
Movie "Cruel Romance" was shown to us twenty times in a row.
And that was so ???, cruel.
I even thought: who could've violated [the rules] so bad?
It's not that it was shown to us like: ended, started again. No. It was shown to us in summer cinema, open air.
It began mid-october and ended mid-november. Every day. Without sound.
Remember, there is girl without dowry, Volga river... We were watching this and there already...
by the fifth time all parts were mixed together and just-killed girl was singing and dancing...
I was looking at this and I thoutgh: Lord!
We have at least Volga as mother-river, but how should uzbeks look at this?
And it was clear that
our cinema is painstaking for uzbeks.
They, uzbeks, they loved to make tatoos so much,
seagulls here, ships, years of sevice. Then they all went to ??? valley,
well, to place where all of them live, well, where they have their homes!
Where they wanted to return to. And how strange must these seagulls look on grown-up uzbeks' chests.
We also had two estonians.
They had surnames Kask and Eller.
They were so seperate that they were brought outside lists.
That is, it went like Yakovlev, Yakushev and after that Kask and Eller.
They were called by their surnames: Yakovlev! Me! Yakushev! Me! Kask! Ma! Eller! Ma!
Guys, deackhand, when hearing his surname... it's written there, we didn't invent it.
must say "Me" loud and clear. He has to say "ME". Is that clear?
Well...
Kask! Ma! Eller! Ma!
Are you, german dogs, poking fun or what!
We will be practising, we will be practising...
And now somewhere lives to russian mariners Kask and Eller.
But russian mariners....what is it? We had to...we wanted to come back home
being handsome russian mariners. What does "return being handsome mariner" mean?
That must be ??? size 40 at least. That is, this big.
That looks nice.
Such pants were not being made. We managed following way: we took new pants, soaked them in vinegar and pulled them over torpedo.
It turned out nice.
But fabric became so thin it didn't hold out as it should have. Then:
we put glue in this [arrow shaped] end; here we put guitar string, so that it would hold perfect,
and here, at the very top, we sewed in tiny piece of lead. Such tiny bit so that when walking arrows would do like this...
That's nice.
Everything that could be sown over with velvet, was sown over with velvet. Badges were cleaned to such condition, it was possible to shave with them
and it was possible use them as mirror while shaving.
We spent year on this.
So that we came...
and city would shiver from [our] beauty and happiness.
Native city.
To gather one's friends and classmates...
who, also, served somewhere but were all crybabies,
to open recruit's album with photos before them,
and to tell them: here's my buddy Kolya, we served together, anyway, buddy, bro...well, I don't know, a bro, that's all.
And this is my rifle, it played me well, my little one. And this is Fedya, uzbek. *** knows what was his real name,
we called him Fedya, he was normal guy and called back.
This is our commanding officer. Fair man.
Why doesn't...guys, why aren't you looking? Is there any beer left?
Or: in the first evening mariner, not used to it, drank ***, vomited all over nice uniform,
uniform was put somewhere away and mother thought: god save! live like a normal man.
She sees that fella ??? and says: Sonny, show me your photos.
Where is your commanding officer, where are your friends....
Mom, why should you need this? what for? That's Kolya, my bro, well, buddy.
This is rifle. Mom, forget about it. Forget.
Where did those mariners go, those russian mariners which were?
From which fluids flow?
Well, they can be felt, they come...
Well, mariners!
Which played music, read poems, knew foreign languages.
On every ship in russian fleet there was a piano. What for?
They were! And there were nice...
there were wonderful ships, admirals, officers...
But, if to read history of the fleet more carefully, it turns out theyr were best of all at scuttling their own ships along with themselves.
But they did this - without joking - so that...
your fist cracks when you read this and something jams here and doesn't let to breath and live for some time.
Because sometime ago there were squadron...
ironclad ships like flatirons,
black smoke up unto the sky, Andrew's flags, ?????
newest cruiser, pride of whole russian fleet. It had the best crew, best commander, wonderful officers...everything...
But, but, BUT:
deckhand on duty understood something wrong or radio officer had gone to have some smokes,
because whole squadron went this way but cruiser - that way.
For sure, there was fog right away, and couple of days in the fog.
Then fog cleared out and: OH....
enemy all aroud.
Nobody was surprised. That is, enemy was very surprised.
They came back to senses right away, started signaling "Give up", and ours, of course: we'll give up right way, we came here to give up...
All of them put on new clothes.
There is such good traditon in russian fleet
to die with new and clean clothes on. Because everybody knows: now it's time to die.
And there are no jokes. There...
from all guns, our commanders, best gunners, first broadside to their flagship,
it lets out heavy fume and leaves the battlefield, their admirals...another ship...
Anyway, their squadrons suffers massive losses, some of it is already scuttled. Our crusiser is all smashed, all in flames...
but Andrew's flag hasn't burned down yet. It flaunts up on mast and nobody is about to take it down.
Somewhre in casemate two deckhands are left.
That's why one cannon of division caliber is still shooting. Shoots from right board and hits still.
Rarely, but shoots. And hits.
There, in smoke...
two deckhands with hands scorched to bone, they load their gun
which is red-hot,
blood flows in their eyes. They shoot and they hit.
Then they sweep last shell, BOOM!
Enogh, Kolya, let's get some smokes.
Silence. Well, enemy squadron did some shooting,
they signaled: give up!
And on damaged captain's bridge of russian cruiser wounded commander is sitting,
he throws white coat all in crosses [cross shaped badges] on bandaged shoulder
places his dagger, gets snow-white kerchief,
wipes off inside of mariner's hat with it
and writes something orderly in ship's journal.
Young helmsman comes up to him
and for the first time in his live adresses commander with name and patronym:
Dmitriy Sergeyevich, everybody who's stayed alive are gathered, come to your crew.
Commander tried to stand up...
but understood he's somewhat heavily wounded and...
Sashenka, go to the crew and tell my deckhands fought bravely, fought very bravely...
tell them I am content, and, also, tell to go with god. Go with god. Go. I'll somehow manage myself.
On enemy cruiser their admiral calls up senior mate: Did you see how russian mariners fought!
I don't know, japanese, frech...no, german. German is easier to understand.
Did you see how russian mariners fought!
If I had such mariners...but you, you... Step aside.
So, now go and free up living compartments, you yourself free up your cabin, we will place russian commander there,
we will take all the wounded aboard, we will medically treet all of them, we guarantee life to everybody. Go.
On deck of your cruiser sits deckhands who came out of casemat,
with hands scorched to bone he winds up cigarette... What could he wind up with such hands? Bad, it doesn't smoke good.
He sits and smokes.
Cormorants are flying low.
And he prepares himself to die. How did they know how one should die?
They new every time how to die. They couldn't have training. But every time...
There, in the darkness of load compartment
two moustached starshinas are standing with kerosene lamp,
They have gone through everything. Young helmsman Sashenka, he tries to open ??? but doesn't have enought strength.
In the end starshina tell him: Sashenka, step aside, for god's sake! Oh, lord!
He comes and with one forceful move...
And then like this...
??????
I participated in combat just once.
Well, that was my personal battle.
It lasted one second.
That is, I saw the enemy for one second and enemy saw me.
Sure, I defended my motherland in this battle and I won.
I was lucky, I had such second. One second in three years.
Others were not lucky. Most of them didn't have even such second.
I'll explain now what it was. It was like this:
Our ship was going thorugh La Perouse Strait, there is Hokkaido Island and Japan, here's Sakhalin.
We went like this.
We didn't go fast, as always through this strait.
It can't be done fast. Japanese sent out their scout plane
with such wide wings....that's common thing to do, they always send out [plane] to see who's sailing there and flies away.
Routine business.
I was swabbing cannon at the time. I was swabbing cannon with big iron swab like this...
Alarm bell rang, I turned and saw how this plane made a turn over me. Moreover, it flew low.
It flew low over me and I clearly saw how this japanese looked at me.
Well, japanse, you understand?
I saw japanese pilot. Helmet, goggles, japanese.
Who else could it be in japanese plain? Only japanese. It's clear, right?
And he looked at me. I had...how to say?
I had one second to take the only right decision out of million variants!
And to have time in this second, not the next one, to execute this decision.
Decision regarding defending motherland, how to defend it.
I found this decision, I chose the only right one and managed to execute it.
I did like this:
He made a turn and flew away but I won. That's all.
Sure, I understand japanese's hands were busy at the moment.
But that's not important. Nobody sorts by that during battle...
who's got better position, who's better prepared... Unbiased, I had everything better!
I was for certain better prepared.
Now, when I remember...of course, this battle lasted: one, two, done.
But that was my second of real action and that's why when I now remember about it
some kind of slow-motion appears in my memories.
Such slow-motion. Beauty. Practically epos.
Now you will have opportunity to see how I, when I remember, see it.
There, in my head are such memories. Now you can watch how I see it.
So, how do I see it? I close my eyes,
I remembrer and see.
This was how japanese pilot flew...
And here's me!
In fleet every thing has its use and meaning.
How do you think what is crockery for? Plates, forks, spoons and so on.
Why are they needed on the ship? So that one could eat using them?
Only to wash them!
And to wash them long and fast.
That is, for a long time, but very fast in action.
And what is deck for? On the ship.
To scrub it. That's understandable analogic to crockery.
There comes quite harder [question]: why scrub?
For it to be clean? Nobody needs that. Just for the sake of idea. Deck on the ship is scrubbed with soap four times a day .
When I started to do this I though: We're washing it somewhat frequently.
That is, it's not particulary dirty in the ship, washed one time, look after cleanness, everything's alright, BUT!
But how many traditions there are! From Petr I, Nakhimov, Lazarev...
Two times...
But four times - that's paranoia!
But - scrubbed it for year and a half and understood: it's necessary to wash.
The more often, the better.
Most important: I sorted out the details, cought nuances and understood the meaning.
Main thing that I understood that at least two men at a time can scrub the deck.
Because if one will be scrubbing, that will be for the sake of cleanness, nobody needs that.
But when two are scrubbing, it's possible to see the sense.
One scrubs, other one watches.
The one who's scrubbing...although he's performing many movements,
he's in state of spiritual balance and peace.
But the one who's watching: he's undergoing such experince!
Because he sees nuances, feels the details and tries to state the meaning.
But to state the meaning such exact and strong words are needed!
Such intonation and word order is needed, that for the present no one
has pronounced sacramental phrase stating the meaning of this action.
Because...well, intonation is found. Almost found.
In general, words are found. And they are almost put in correct order.
And here, every moment now this phrase will fly... and something will happen in this world.
But then the service ends. Go home.
Nobody had enough time. That's why scrubbing the deck in the fleet
is endless creative process in order to find those same words which in the end will state meaning of this action.
Now I will show how it is done.
Although, I don't understand why but I promised not to talk about reasons.
It's just, this very moment hundreds of deckhands in russian fleet are doing this
and they will keep doing this as long as one russian ship is left.
And it's even not the most important.
Simply...
I don't know. I simply need to show this.
Though, I don't have previous skill. Last time I did this was god knows when.
I am one, and there is no deck here.
But it must be shown.
I will show. But I will show as if we were two.
Sure, I won't be able to say all the words which were said then, it's not right situation.
Intonation and energy is more important. And you will feel this.
That's why, probably, it has to be shown...
how deck are being washed in the fleet.
Double-quick, ***, ***, double-quick!
Doube-quick, ***!
Why are you moving so slowly, ***!
Double-quick!
Dry the deck, sucker!
You will be licking it with your tongue, ***! Understood?
As long as haven't licked, the deck counts as dirty.
I licked it, ***, and you will be licking!
Double-quick, ***!
Dry the deck! If I won't like it, ***, you can only blame yourself, ***!
Double-quick!
I don't understand at all why are you moving so slowly!
Hello! Love the deck, ***!
That's the deck for you.
We had one deckhand on the ship...
That's supid how I said it. What else could be there on the ship?
There was one dechkand and he was called Kolya Y.
That is, his name was Nikolai and surname - Y. That is - capital Y.
He was korean, he was not lucky.
That is, he wasn't friends with uzbeks and he wasn't comrades with us.
He somehow got in the middle. He was somewhat small, dirty...
unlucky. Nobody loved him, [nobody] even tried to.
He had ill luck all the time. Here his pillow's like a frog, there bedspread somewhere run off....
somehow [officers] looked and counted: Kolya has served for a long time, he's almost a private and it is needed to respect him somehow. He is man, after all.
And he was given a vacation.
Then our ship was standing near some village.
He went there and returned in the evening with a big bag.
He joyfully opened this bag threw out on the deck we had scrubbed dead dog without head.
Huge dog. Already dead-stiff.
With a tail. When we saw this dog in our cockpit...
we said to Kolya right away.
What and how we said to Kolya I can't tell just now.
General idea went like this:
Kolya...
We're rather ???
It's not pleasant for us to look at this dog and to look at you along with it.
Take it and bring it away, just very fast!
But Kolya doesn't let go of the dog.
And it's can be seen it is so important for him
and, also, we have offended his best feelings,
he was supposed to say something to us but didn't have the time because we began talking that way.
And it was clear if to take this dog and throw over board... his life wasn't very pleasant until now
and after it will be impossible to understand how is he supposed to live.
I sat beside him and asked: Kolya...
what does that mean? He says: I wanted to make you a surprise.
I say: you have made it!
Now explain.
The he said that next day some important korean festivity is due to take place, I don't remember the name.
And on this festivity dog must be cooked. He, Kolya, knows how you cook this dog
he has killed appropriate dog, young one, and killed it appropriate way,
it was clean, good, with a collar.
That is, it hadn't drank dirty water from gutters and ate from the street. That is, it's possible to eat it.
It was clear it was so important for him. I said: Oh, such festivity! Sure, cook it.
I remember, we sat in the night in caboose of our ship.
There was Kolya, our cook, an uzbek who was called Abror and who didn't care about anything, and myself.
We were sitting and eating the dog.
Kolya had prepared souce. I teared off piece of dog meat with a fork, dipped it in souce, put it in my mouth,
chewed and swallowed it.
And I began to listen into myself.
Well, there's a piece of god somewhere here in my stomach.
But this dog had wet nose. It waggled its tail...
It had some name... And now some little girl can't fall asleep...
And her parents [stroke] over the bedspread...
And sooth her: we will find it, we will...
In the morning girl will write in her childish handwriting: Please, help to find my dog, it is very good dog.
She will stick it somewhere near grocery store, bus stop, somewhere else, well, there where she lives.
Or some old woman in her kitchen... She's sitting, crying, running to the window, looking outside,
turning off the light and looking out. Then on every noise she opens the door and calls out...Sharik! or...
then she returns to kitchen, to table and looks at bowl near the fridge, there's left some water dog didn't drink in the morning.
But I am sitting and eating dog.
And I like the taste.
Because Kolya [has prepared] good souce for Sharik...
It's even not the main idea. I understand I won't be eating dog anytime else.
Not in the sense of: dog... But in the sense: during night, in caboose of battleship,
together with Kolya and our cook...
I remember very cleary how last morning of my service in the fleet came.
I was waiting for it so much!
I was waiting for it so much! I counted the days. I crossed out days in calendar.
I crossed out day with a cross, then over diagonals and there was a snowflake.
Blue. Well, pen had blue ink. It was blue snowflake from a day.
Then I filled all this and there was blue square out of day that had ended.
Then all month got crossed out like that.
Then, gradually, whole year. And I was happy parting with calendar and starting new one.
I was waiting for this morning so much!
I though I wouldn't even by able to fall asleep, yet I fell asleep.
Then I woke up for the last time as a deckhand.
And didn't feel a thing!
I didn't feel a thing.
I woke up for the last time in life as a deckhand, got up for the last time in life as a deckhand,
went to lavatory, that is, to latrine for the last time in life as a deckhand, did everything there as deckhand was supposed to do for the last time in life as a deckkhand,
returned to cockpit, arranged the bunk, I never felt comfortable on this bunk, never,
little, iron, sieve bunk which from one side was attached to board, from other side it was hanging on cords.
I never felt comfortable on it! But I arranged it and thought:
today someone else will be sleeping on this bunk, but this is my bunk.
And I didn't like it.
I arranged my bunk for the last time in life as a deckhand, I ate breakfast for the last time in life as a deckhand,
I got dressed for the last time in life as a deckhand, and went for the last time in life to see how military flag
of my country is being but up from within a deckhand.
I saw it for the last time in life.
And I was free to go home.
Until this three years I was not allowed to go home, but now I was allowed to.
They began bidding be farewell, it was noisy around, they gave me papers with adressed and phone numbers,
they yelled: deckahd, dry land ????
Make impression on those girls!
Then everybody dispersed. Commander came to me, commanding officer of our ship.
He came
shook my hand with his strong, dry hand,
and for the first time in sevice looked me in the eye.
He looked. And there was such light... It was mornig, sun was not high,
I saw...how to say? Inner part of his eye.
He looked me in the eye with those eyes and said:
Thank you for service, sonny. And went away so sad...
I thought: why didn't I saw earlier he was such a nice man?
He is very nice. And most terrible is that he doesn't know I know now he is nice man.
I will write him a letter, for sure. I will write a letter and thank for making a man out of me, thank you, mother are content.
Anyway, thanks. Most important: I have learned you are very nice man.
I will write to all of you, buddies. Everybody will visit me and I will visit everybody.
I didn't write to anybody. I didn't see anyone, even by accident.
[We could have] met each other somewhere by newsstand in Moscow. He came from some other city, I came...
[we could have] met each other by accidend in metro station.
Bro, you? No ***! Attaboy! Give me five!
"You hadn't changed a ***." I would say him something alike.
Where? There. But me - here. You know...
let's better exchange adresses, just leave me your phone number, call me, visit my, I have normal...
Then we would part like this: give me five!
Bye! Save yourself! And...
And he, also...
Then I left the ship and cried.
I cried
I went down the pier,
turned back every minute and waved my mariner's hat,
guys, too, waved mariner's hats, yelled something, they, also, almost cried.
Not because they loved me so much, but because...it can be understood. It's so frightening when someone goes away and you stay.
I went home. And whole russian fleet parted with me. Whole. Starting with Petr I, Ushakov, Nekhimov, Lazarev...
Everybody parted with me. I went away.
I went, cried. I didn't know I wasn't there anymore and there was no home.
I was there where I always am.
Look, now I am standing here. And now I am here.
What do I understand about this location? I understand something about that location.
But what do I understand about this one?
Then I went, cried... What life did I have until then?
Life like this. Every moment on the verge of something.
School, exams ahead. Passed the exams, other ones ahead.
Passed those, it's needed to join. Entering exams. Joined. And there: exams, exams, exams...
and there is such unbelievable military sevice ahead...
military service began...there "want to go home, want to go home" all the time.
It has ended. I'm going home and what life do I have ahead?
Such life. I have never lived such life before.
Like this. Look.
How to live like that?
I didn't know that then. I went and russian fleet parted with me. Mom wrote me letters every day.
I read those letters.
I understood she didn't write them me. Or: open a package mother has sent.
I was even frightened to move objects she had put there because this package and these letters were not sent to me
but to that boy who was given an apple someday there.
But there is no such boy!
No. There is just deckhand who is called by his surname in evening.
During evening formation.
That boy is not anymore, there is deckhand.
It was so hard for me
to write some letter to mom from the name of this deckhand. I wrote letters to mom, for example, like this:
My loved ones!
I have everything normal. Normal friends. Normal food.
Health is normal. Festivities are soon to come.
Your son.
I couldn't write her: "Mommy! I am not anymore.
Don't write." I was deckhand, not an idiot.
When I was called such names I thought I was not supposed to be called, or I did something I thought I was not supposed to do under any circumstances
I never felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my parents.
Because I am only one for them....only one they're waiting for.
But in reality there is no such man they're waiting for.
And there will never be.
Never.
I went down the pier.
I went down the pier, huge battleships stayed behind my back.
I went with my suitcase in hand.
And in honour of me wonderful music began to play and I forgave them everything.
That was not an orchestra, of course. Just a tape recorder and loudspeakers.
I forgave them everything right away but more important was that I wanted: "Lord! How goof it would be if everybody forgave me!"
Because in honout of me march "?????" was paying.
I went down the pier and cried.
Then I stepped out in railway station of my native city...
Red trams, yellow buses, blue trolleys. I know all the lines.
I know where do they go, where do they make turns, where do they come back from.
And I can guess where people go.
But I won't talk about this because I go together with them. We go together, why should I talk about it?
But on the monuments there's an inscription:
"Russian mariners didn't ask what the enemy numbers were but where was the enemy located"
AAAAAHHHHHHH
It's not written there, AAAHHH was my voice.
We, too, would have sighed like this, we simply weren't lucky and came back!
Life went on differently.
I don't want to say it went on worse, otherwise it would turn out I'm talking about reasons and making complaints.
But I didn't make complaints. Right?
And didn't say anything about reasons.
It had to go on differently. I don't want to say "worse" or to ask: how's life?
Normal. What does "normal" mean?!
????
Simply, there's an inscription on the monument:
"Russian mariners didn't ask what the enemy numbers were but where was the enemy located"
AAAAHHHHHH
That was my voice.
If to look at all this...I told just now from other point of view
then...
there in no other point of view.