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(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THIS IS GOING TO BE
GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU ARE IN SUCH A
NICE MOOD TONIGHT BECAUSE
OUR NEXT GUEST, A VERY FUNNY
GENTLEMAN WHO MADE HIS
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT
WITH US LAST YEAR.
SO IT'S GOOD TO HAVE HIM
BACK.
HE WILL BE PERFORMING FROM
JULY 30th THROUGH AUGUST 2nd
AT THE GO BANANAS COMEDY
CLUB IN CINCINNATI, OHIO.
SO YOU SEE DREAM DOES COME
TRUE.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TOMMY JOHNAGIN!
(APPLAUSE)
>> ALL RIGHT.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
DAVID LETTERMAN, IN OHIO,
WHAT'S NEXT WHO KNOWS.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
MY CAT JUST STOPPED WALKING
RECENTLY WHICH IS NOT
NORMAL.
HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A WALKER
AND I, I BROUGHT HIM TO THE
VET AND THE VET TOLD ME MY
CAT'S BACK WAS BROKEN AND
RAN AN KPA AND -- X-RAY AND
HE GOES GOOD NEWS, IT'S JUST
A SMALL VIRUS.
WOW, PU WERE REALLY FAR OFF
FROM THAT -- YOU EVEN WORK
HERE?
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO
LOOK AT THE NEXT GUY AND SAY
WE THOUGHT YOUR CAT HAD LUNG
CANCER, TURNS OUT IT'S
RABEES.
THE VET BILL WAS $190.
I GOT THE CAT FOR FREE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> THAT IS A TERRIBLE
INVESTMENT.
HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH IT WAS
GOING TO BE --
(APPLAUSE)
>> HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH IT
WAS GOING TO BE.
I WAS LIKE OH I'M JUST GOING
TO GO GET MY WALLET.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I'LL GET ANOTHER FREE
ORANGE CAT AND NAME IT MITCH.
(LAUGHTER)
>> I MADE THIS MISTAKE THE
OTHER DAY.
I TOLD MY FIANCEE THAT WE
WERE NOT DOING IT ENOUGH.
DON'T DO THAT.
UM --
(LAUGHTER)
>> SHE GOT MAD AND SHE SAYS
IS SEX THE ONLY REASON
YOU'RE WITH ME, TOMMY.
THAT'S A RUDE QUESTION, I
LOVE YOU.
SEX ISN'T THE ONLY REASON
I'M WITH YOU.
BUT THE BATHROOM ISN'T THE
ONLY REASON I BOUGHT MY
HOUSE, I -- I WOULD STILL BE
MAD IF YOU TOOK IT AWAY FROM
ME, THOUGH.
I MEAN -- IF I BOUGHT MY
HOUSE AND THEN HALF A YEAR
LATER SOMEONE RIPPED MY
TOILET OUT OF THE GROUND AND
ONLY LET ME USE IT ONCE A
MONTH AND EVEN THEN IT
WASN'T REALLY GOOD, I WOULD
PROBABLY --
(LAUGHTER)
PROBABLY BE UP SET IF THAT
HAPPENS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> SEX ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT.
IT RANKS BUT IT'S NOT THAT
IMPORTANT.
TRUST, THAT'S AN ISSUE.
I TRUST HER COMPLETELY.
I TOLD HER I DON'T EVEN
WORRY ABOUT HER CHEATING ON
ME.
AND SHE GOES I DON'T EVEN
HAVE TIME TO CHEAT -- THAT'S
A TERRIBLE ANSWER, ACTUALLY.
SO IT'S A SCHEDULING ISSUE.
THAT'S --
(APPLAUSE)
>> SHE DOESN'T CHEAT ON ME
FOR THE SAME REASON I'VE
NEVER LEARNED SPANISH.
THAT'S AN INTERESTING --
THAT'S LOVE.
THAT'S LOVE, I THINK, YOU
KNOW.
NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
(LAUGHTER)
>> EXCITING.
I HAD A BIRTHDAY RECENTLY.
I HAD SOME AWFUL GIFTS.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAD
THAT EXPERIENCE.
I GOT A DARTBOARD WHICH IS
EXCITING BECAUSE I HAVE
NEVER PLAYED DARTS BEFORE.
AND THEY WRAP THE DARTS
SEPARATELY FROM THE
DARTBOARD SO IT LOOKED LIKE
TWO GIFTS.
THAT'S -- REALLY GOOD.
THAT'S NOT TWO GIFTS, THAT'S
LYING AND YOU CAN GO TO HELL
FOR THAT, ACTUALLY.
THAT IS WHAT I WAS TAUGHT.
THAT IS A TWO-PART ONE
TERRIBLE GIFT.
JUST BECAUSE YOU SEPARATE
ONE THING DOESN'T MAKE IT
TWO.
ARE YOU NOT ALLOWED TO HAND
SOMETHING AND YOU BOUGHT ME
A LEFT SHOE AND GO WE
ALSO --
(APPLAUSE)
>> IF YOU LIKE THAT ONE, ARE
YOU GOING TO LOVE THAT ONE.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME BUT
JUST THE OPPOSITE.
REALLY?
I ALSO GOT A MINIATURE
EMERGENCY TOOL KIT FOR MY
CAR.
A MINIATURE TOOL KIT, FITS
UNDER YOUR SEAT IN CASE YOUR
CAR BREAKS DOWN AND THEN
SHRINKS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> AND LETS IT SHRINKS WITH
THE CAR, I'M NOT SURE HOW
MAGIC WORKS.
I DO KNOW HOW A GIFT RECEIPT
WORKS, SO THAT'S GOING TO
COME IN HANDYMENT I DON'T
EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A
MINIATURE TOOL KILTMENT COME
PICK ME UP, I'VE BROKEN DOWN
BUT DON'T PACK YOUR TINY
SOCKET WRENCHES, I HAVE
STARTED WORK ON THE CAR, I
GOT THE RADIO OUT AND I HAVE
TIGHTENED THE FRAMES ON MY
GLASSES.
(APPLAUSE)
>> PLEASE HURRY THERE TINY
BLANKET IS NOT KEEPING ME
WARM.
EVERYTHING IS SMALLER IN
THAT JOKE.
I HIT A DEER WITH MY CAR
RECENTLY.
I RUINED A DEER, I DON'T
KNOW IF ANYBODY HAS DONE
THAT BUT THE DEER WAS PRET
MESSED UP.
I FELT BAD.
THE DEER WAS TOO MUCH,
REALLY T LOOKED LIKE MY CAR
DIDN'T WANT TO KILL IT, IT
WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE TO
THE SURVIVING DEER.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE
COROLLA.
MY FIANCEE WAS WITH ME WHEN
WE HIT IT, LUCKILY.
I'M GLAD SHE WAS THERE
BECAUSE AS WE WERE HITTING
IT SHE GOES DEER!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
>> WHERE?
I CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE
THERE'S A DEER IN MY
WINDSHIELD.
(LAUGHTER)
>> WE GO DOWN AND LOOK AT
THE CAR AND THE DEER'S DEAD.
CAR'S HURT.
SHE GOES THANK GOD WE'RE ALL
RIGHT.
WELL I'M NOT THANKING GOD
THAT IS ONE OF HIS CREATURES
AND HE THREW IT AT US.
THAT'S -- THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, GUYS.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: FUNNY, VERY NICE.
TOMMY JOHNAGIN.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME
BACK.
>> Dave: ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
VERY FUNNY.
HAVE FUN THERE IN
CINCINNATI.
TOMMY JOHNAGIN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
METRIC, EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE)