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Imagine a typical British house...
Imagine a foxhound named James Mountbatten-Windsor...
Now imagine a gruff old goat called Sir William Bellicose...
and an upbeat rabbit by the name of Quentin Coney...
Now picture in your mind a crazy, mad-scientist cat...
he's called Dr Frank Stein...
And now imagine, if you can...
a mysteriously bright pink creature...
his illegitimate son Fl00fy.
Now let us focus first on Coney...
Last year he had a near fatal accident...
But since his recovery, he's pulled his unsteady life together...
He has a reasonably paid job...
Looks after his priceless Ming dynasty vase...
Has the respect of his friends...
and no longer eats two-day old pizza from the bin.
Bellicose, the old and wise actor...
so used to keeping Coney in check, found himself
without someone to put down constantly,
which has left him somewhat unfulfilled - the story of his life.
he needed a new outlet: Frank...
You see, Frank doesn't really have friends - They're more long-term test subjects...
The cat found it easier to shut himself away in the basement to avoid Bellicose,
and occupy himself with peculiar science projects.
However, with the old goat constantly goading him,
he can't help but snap back at the senile old codger...
After a few fights - resulting in the demise of Coney's
priceless Ming dynasty vase - something had to be done.
Coney's interest in role-playing games led him to
suggest that they try to come together as friends...
for a weekly game of Dungeons & Dragons™
Bellicose outright refused on principle and Frank deemed
the whole thing a total waste of his massive intellect
- until Coney threatened them with a cabbage only diet...
Several weeks of terminally pungent gas later...
and a visit from environmental health...
they begrudgingly agreed to give it a try.
Fl00fy and Jim were delighted to see them all together again as friends;
playing games and having fun adventures...
For a few weeks, this helped ease the tension in the house...
but it soon came undone...
Frank decided he could make it all better with the application of a little science...
and Bellicose took that as another opportunity to knock Frank down a notch...
Tonight, they will meet...
Tonight, they will play...
Tonight, they will fail...
Tonight, one of them will die...
But let us worry about that later; for now, the
time is just after eight o'clock in the evening...
the sun is about to dip below the horizon...
and their game is about to start…
Frank: Oh Bill, you’ll just love this!
Frank: I’ve been working on a way to spice up our weekly Dungeons & Dragons!
Bellicose: Our games don’t need spicing up, Frank...
B: I think you’ll find the power of our imaginations is perfectly adequate!
B: As a classically train–
Fr: Yes, yes, we all know about you being a "classically
trained acTOR!". You go on about it often enough!
B: Well, I am! And I’m proud of it. What do you have to be proud of?
Fr: You’ll see!
Coney: So, where is this thing then, Frank?
Fl00fy: And why are the lights off?
Fr: Suspense! Anticipation! Reducing our electric bill!
Fr: Hey Jim, you coming?
Jim: On my way!
Fr: Ta-DAAAAAAAAH!
Fr: I built a fully functioning Holodeck!
Fr: This entire area is being simulated by an ordinary smartphone!
C: That's cool!
B: Oh no...
C: Uh, Jim, are you ok?
Fl: uh... Jim?
C: please say something...
Fl: Jim...
B: Oh, just get up you snivelling little mutt!
Fr: Bellicose! That’s no way to talk to Jim!
Fr: Jiiiiiim, please say something...
C: C'mon Jim!
J: I'm fine...
C: Phew! You had me worried you’d died for a minute there!
J: Woah, this place looks cool!
Fr: Ohh, just think about how amazing our games of D&D could be with THIS!
Fr: The adventures! The action! The immersion!
Fr: Wielding swords, casting spells–
B: Getting killed...
Fr: getting kill... NO!
Fr: There are rigorous safety mechanisms and failsafes!
Fr: Believe me, I've thought about every single possible outcome and consequence!
C: Oh, give over, I’ve seen enough Star Trek
to know that the Holodeck ALWAYS has problems!
C: It ALWAYS screws up!
Fr: Ah, but you see, that Holodeck is fictional.
This one is REAL!
Fr: What could possibly go wrong?
J: Hands up, everyone who has a bad feeling about this?
Fr: Oh, come on guys! It’ll be fun!
Fr: Besides, we’ll be entirely in control the
whole time because it's all running on my phone
Fr: I’ve written a nice, simple programme to start us off...
Fr: If you don’t like it, we can go back to doing things the way we were. OK?
B: OK. But we're just trying it out
Fr: Computer?
Fr: Start programme D-N-D-zero-zero-one-beta
Siri: Okay, Frank. Would you like to start from the beginning
or from your previously saved location before you died?
Fr: Uhm. Start from the beginning, thanks...
Siri: Very good, get ready everyone...
C: Errr....what was that about dying?
Fr: Oh, nothing. Perfectly normal play-testing.
Everything's fine, nothing to worry about!
Siri: Off we go! Wheeeeee!
C: I have to admit it, that was awesome!
Fl: Oh Father, it’s amazing! I can't even see the pixels!
Fr: Thanks Fl00fy! See, Bellicose? it worked just fine.
Ready to believe me now?
B: I suppose...
B: You can probably appreciate why I don’t have much faith in your
contraptions, considering their track record of getting us into bother.
C: Bill, don't forget that his inventions
have saved my life more than once already...
B: Usually after he almost kills you with them first!
Fr: Always bringing that up! You know that I didn’t mean anyone any harm!
Fr: I just like to make shiny things!
Fr: Let’s just play. No arguing tonight!
B: We would have fewer arguments if you didn’t antagonise me so much...
Fr: If you weren’t so snooty all the time, maybe you wouldn’t be so easily annoyed...
Fl: STOP IT! Both of you! Just play the game!
Fl: No more fighting, I’m sick of it...
J: Yeah, just give it a rest for -once-...
Neville: Allo thar! You're not from around 'ere, are you?
'ave you come to rescue our princess?
C: Rescue a princess?
N: Oh yes, she was abducted weeks ago! She's
locked up in the tower on the hill over there.
B: Oh really, Frank. The princess in the tower?
That’s hardly original...
B: Haven't you got anything more inventive than that?
Fr: Nope, sorry!
Fr: As I clearly stated, this is just a simple
test story to see if you like the holodeck!
B: Oh, honestly! *ahem* Computer?
B: Oh, umm. Hello there. Do you have anything more
interesting than a locked up princess to rescue?
Siri: Hello Sir William. I’m sorry, there are no local search results
for “anything more interesting than a locked up princess to rescue”.
N: You didn't let me finish. There's a dragon!
Big, angry brute it is!
N: We keep telling our princess not to keep running off like
that, but does she listen to a word we say? No, course not...
N: And look what happened, now she's been taken
by that bloody big fire breathing monster!
N: We sent up four of our finest heroes, ate them all!
N: Sent back a note, compliments to the chef...
N: said it was the finest takeaway he's ever 'ad...
C: So we have to beat a dragon? OK then! How about
we grind up a few levels and tackle it head on!
J: I dunno, I’m not sure I like the idea of going up against a dragon...
J:...how big is this dragon?
N: Oh, massive! Enormous! And angry. Always so angry!
N: Verging on emo! Err, not that I would know what emo means of course...
Fr: Oh, the dragon scenario! Goody!
Fr: You see, the computer randomises the main quest of the story based
on a few factors. I was rather hoping we’d get to do this one.
N: So, you’ll need to defeat the dragon and rescue our princess.
If you do that, you'll be showered in gold!
Fl: Oooh, golden showers...
N: You'll be famous, and you'll get all the tail you could ever want!
C: Mmmm... bunny tail...
N: If you can rescue our princess from the dragon, you’ll go down in history as…
N: well… the heroes that rescued our princess from the dragon!
B: Frank, they say everyone has a novel inside them.
Yours probably should stay there...
Fr: I'd like to see you do better! It’s easier said than done!
Fr: But still, we have our first quest! How exciting! Let’s get in character!
Fr: What classes are we going to be this time?
Fr: I’m a sneaky rogue... Ooh, I can’t wait to stab someone in the back!
B: How typical! I shall be an honourable Knight. No insidious
tactics from me; firm, solid and right up in your face!
Fl: I wish you were firm and solid and right up in my face...
B: Wait, what?
C: and I’m a wizard! Ready to fight fire with… MORE fire!
J: as for me...
J: "I’m a Bard! It’s true! I sing songs just for you!"
J: "With my merry tilt, And my tuneful lilt,"
J: "I’ll lift up your hearts"
J: "and stir unmentionable paaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts!"
Fl: Well, I’m a wood elf! Because I dress fabulously… and I just adore the wood!
B: Right. Enough silliness. I agree with Coney - we tackle the dragon head on...
B: m modicum of training and we’ll be able to knock
it down, stride in, and rescue the princess.
Fr: The dragon’ll be too strong, Bill. We should go in via the back passage...
Fr: it’ll never expect that!
Fr: We can just sneak in and rescue the princess.
Easy! No hard training required!
B: It's not exactly heroic, is it Frank? Where is the honour in that?
Fr: Honour? Why would you bother with showing off like that
when you can achieve the same result much more quickly!
Fr: You always have to waste time and take the long, difficult, boring
way round just to prove you’re better than everyone else, don’t...
B: and you always take the EASY way out!
Fr: I'm efficient! It works and...
B: You’re just captain short-cut. Always trying to find the
method with the least effort. Face it, Frank, you’re lazy...
Fr: Lazy? You just want to dismiss any ideas that aren't your ow...
C: Stop it, both of you! Frank, Bill’s right!...
C: We need to tackle this head on. We’ll level up far faster and get more
skills and experience, which will then help us on our next adventure...
C: your sneaky tactics may well be needed in future, but not here.
J: I don't know… I agree with Frank. I’d far rather sneak in.
A bard’s not much of a fighter...
B: That may be so, but your lyrics and singing
are deadly weapons in their own right...
B: It is far more straightforward to do what I say.
Attack it head on...
Fr: Not a chance. You’re not right all the time,
and this time I’m going to prove you wrong!
Fr: C’mon, Jim, let’s head out...
B: OK then! Be that way!
B: Let's go, Coney. We'll show that stupid cat how heroes slay a dragon...
N: So… fancy a drink?
Bellicose: I don’t know why people don’t just
accept what I say. I’m always damn well right.
I’ve had years more life experience than the
others, and they should damn well listen to me.
Yes, they joke about my age, but I’m younger than they think...
I might not be up to date on the latest music trends and
fashion, but at least I’m firmly planted in the -real-world.
No Twitter or Facebook can ever replace getting
out there and living life to the fullest!
Have they ever wrestled a bear in a Saskatchewan forest during an ice storm?
Have they ever run through the streets of St. Petersburg
while being chased by a pack of enraged police dogs?
NO!
Well neither have I...
but I have played characters who have! It’s a damn sight more interesting than
taking photos of your dinner and uploading them to the Internet every day.
I earned my Sir and they make jokes about it...
Whatever happened to the notion of -respecting-your elders?
They call me a fake or a fraud because I won’t talk about how I came to earn it...
but I feel - and quite rightly so...
..one should keep up a certain air of mystery to
keep that all-important authoritative tone alive.
So, despite my best efforts to assert my obviously
superior knowledge and experience and wisdom...
...they’re never going to take me seriously because they
think I’m some washed up, retired old stage actor....
They may be right...
B: Honestly, I don’t believe that cat. Trying to
sneak in to the keep? That's never going to work...
B: only a strong show of force is going to take down a foe like a dragon...
B: therefore, if we are going to tackle a quest as
dangerous as this, we are going to need to be well armed.
C: Right! If Frank had told us exactly what he had
planned, I would have gone and got my LARPing gear.
C: Oh well, do you think this stall might have what we need?
Fl: Ooo! Oh yes! Look at all the pretty swords!
And knives... and oh...-throwing-knives!
B: Fl00fy! Behave! Don’t touch anything!
Fl: Aww... you... you spoil all my fun...
B: Ahem.....shopkeep? shopkeep, hello?....
Eine Minute!
Oui! Ve vill be right with you!
C: Hmm, those voices sound awfully familiar...
Klaus: Why hallo there, we are sorry for the delay.
We were up all night polishing my new Zweihänder!
Sebastian: I still don’t know how you managed to wield that all
night, Klaus, you know I ‘ave difficulty even with -both-‘ands.
K: Ah, but once you buff it with your wax, it only gets easier!
C: Ummm... hey, err, do you have any um.. ‘adventuring’ supplies?
S: Well, why of course, mon cher. We have everything a supple young
rabbit like you might need for those heroic and death-defying quests.
K: Ja, ve have clubs, swords, zings that go -twang-, zings that go -boom-...
K: Ve even have stilettos if, uh, you’re in to that zat of thing...
S: Oh, and provisions too, food, wine, clothes, armoure...
S: As my dear papa said to me, ‘you should never face danger
wizout a belly full of meat and a clean pair of vetements!’
C: Wow, you really are the good ol’ fashioned supply everything
shop that video games have taught us so much about!
B: If you’re armed to the teeth, got the armour and
the provisions, why don’t you come along and join us?
B: We could use a few extra pairs of hands on our adventure...
K: Oh, vell, ve used to be adventurers like you...
S: But then I took an arrow to my Brie...
K: Ja, zis ve vere mortified. Ze picnic vas a disaster!
B: Oh, I see. Well, I'm a knight, Coney here
is a mage and… Fl00fy, what were you again?
Fl: A wood elf! The most fabulous of all elves!
S: Oh, yes, they get up to all sorts of things in the undergrowth!
B: Eurgh… Ahem, anyway, yes. We need gear appropriate to all our classes
as we are going to take on the dragon that has taken the Princess and...
S: Mon dui! Hold just a second! Did you say ze DRAGON???
K: Mein gott, you cannot be serious! That thing... is a monster!
S: Oui! It has burned down this town more times than I can remember!
S: I live in fear of that huge slinky lizard coming in the night to ravish me...
C: Uhhh... don’t you mean -ravage-?
K: Nein....RAVISH...
B: I do not think that word means what you think it means...
S: I think it does *evil french laugh*
K: Oh Seb! I know you do not fear being -ravished-in ze night!
S: Ah but Klaus, I do not zink I could 'andle somezing of zat size!
K: I do not know, you seem to be quite capable of handli–
B: *coughs*
B: Enough of that, please!
C: I’m a wizard! so, what do you have for me?
K: Vell, are you a black or vite mage?
Fl: I always thought Coney was an equal opportunities magician...
C: Actually err yes, I do destruction and restoration magic!
S: Ah I zaught so, you looked like one who liked to swing BOTH ways...
K: Here you go! Zis is ze most powerful vizard’s staff ve have!
S: Oh Klaus, you said you were saving zat for ME,
you know I love your big enchantment staff...
K: I am sorry my dear, but you know our customers -come-first!
S: Well yes, I suppose some of zem must do on occasion...
B: Now then, my turn next I believe. What do have for a squire such as myself?
S: You, my grand old goat? Still zat much of a warrior?
B: I will have you know I fought in the war!
K: Ha! All 100 years of it?
B: Oi! I’m not that old!
S: Well, I have several things that might help
you here, all the latest fashions too of course!
S: Klaus! To ze runway!
K: Oh! At last, mein time has COME!
S: Madames et monsieurs, boys and girls, lapines and caprins of ALL ages...
S: We now present to you, ze very latest for ze
adventurer in you from Studio Fatalité…France!
S: Here today, for your eyes only, an exclusive preview of this
season’s collection for fighters, warriors and paladins of all races...
S: First, the hat of the Paladin, wiz a velvet lining and peacock feather, it not only gives a 'plus
neuf' de vitalité but feels wonderfully cool when you venture in to the firey magma caverns!
S: Zis one is just fantastique, the latest in shield technologie, zis armour can take the
mightiest of thrusts, and will protect you no matter how firmly you ram into ze enemy!
S: It comes in a stunning array of colours, guaranteed
splatter resistant, and ribbed for your safety...
S: And finally, to hold it all together, and to strike fear in to the hearts of your foes, zis leather belt
system is equipped with all manner of pockets and pouches, and cut from ze hide of ze northern ice trolls...
S: ..it shall never get too sticky in the hot veather!
S: Doesn’t our warrior here look ready to ravish all who stand in his way?
S: Well, how about this axe? A big slice of metal on a stick! You
could ravish many a dragon I’m sure with a big weapon like this!
B: Ooof.. I think, this is a little bit outside of my character class...
S: Vell, have zis Standard Sword of Subtle Stabbing...
S: they're all on half price...
S: I’m sure even you must remember how to thrust it...
B: And what about protection?
K: Vell I -always-carry protection…
B: I meant a -shield-you oaf!
S: Here, take zis shield; it's fire resistant,
for if the situation gets a little heated...
B: Hmmm....and this really works?
K: Ja, I promise! I'm -bound-by my honour as a businessman!
S: Oh la la! from where I stand you are bound by more, mon cher!
K: You tease me so, Seb...
S: Oui, you are just so tempting… but we do have customers... shall I release you?
K: Oh, you know I -Always- crave for release...
S: Ah, maybe we can continue our little game later, mon ami?
K: Awwww...
Fl: My turn! Ooo ooo oo! What have you got for ME?
K: First, you need -zis-if you are ze class you say you are...
K: Vile you're down zer...
S: Now.. what weapon would a bright pink hero like you use?…ah, yes! here...
S: try zis cross bow! It should let you shoot -deep-inside your foes...
Fl: Oooh! Hehe! Finally! Take that vile beast!
C: My goodness! B: You just shot the only priest in town!
There goes our healer... give me that!
B: Now go away! Go bother Frank and Jim, I’m
sure they could use your help more than us!
Fl: Fine, you big meanie! I hope the dragon beats you up!
I’m going back to Father!
C: Fl00fy!
C: Bellicose! Was that really necessary? You know he didn’t mean to do that!
B: It’s good riddance, Coney. He can bother those other two
and WE can be the ones to defeat the dragon and get the GIRL!
B: Think of the experience points!
C: Oh well, you never mentioned them… So Bellicose,
are we -really-ready to take on the dragon?
B: First we are going to need to be much, much stronger. Come my magical
rabbit companion, the field awaits, and we have many.. many slimes to kill!
C: Oh cabbages. I'll bet Jim is having it so much better than this…
Frank: Why tackle a problem head on with brute
force when there’s usually a far easier method?
Use your brain - there’s no better way to get something
done than to apply a little bit of clever thinking...
Oh yes, adding brawn to the situation might just get the job done...
but you'll probably be knackered, bruised and broken by the end of it...
Bellicose winds me up so much; he’s always got the best solution to EVERY problem...
And it usually involves charging right in and giving someone
a piece of his mind - not that there's much of THAT...
I’ve got DECADES of study, research, experiments
and well regarded scientific papers to my name...
I’m highly regarded in the field of anti-pseudo-non-pseudoscience.
I was the first person to map the genome of a Kit-Kat!
*sigh* I'm not normally one to brag, and I've
become fairly easy going compared to the old me...
However, if he couldn’t give me a reasoned,
rational argument about why his plan is better,
then what choice do I have but to knock him down a peg or two and prove him wrong?
I really do not appreciate being bossed around by someone
that’s not got the brains to back up their arrogance...
Jim: ♫ "Behold, it's the ballad of Frank and of Jim"
"who rescued a girl from a dragon so grim"
"They break into castles and do their good deed"
"Like the ***-***-assassin from Assassin's Creed" ♫
Frank: Jim! J: ♫ "Frank then says as he raises his club..."
F: ♫ "Please, just be silent, oh please, just shut up!"
F: "I swear if you don't then I will club you down!" ♫
J: "He said with his face contorted to a frown..." ♫
F: Jim? Jim! Are you OK? Jim!?...say something, please! JIM!?
J: I'm okay.. the floor broke my fall…
Fr: Hang on, I'll be with you in a sec...
J: Are you sure we are in the right place? This doesn't look like
any kind of prison. I imagined it would be more dungeon-cell like.
J: I mean look, she's got books, a make-up drawer...
J: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the cutest of them all?
Siri: You, my dog, are cute; it is true...
Siri: But I have three thousand, four hundred
and sixty seven matches cuter than you.
J: stupid mirror...
Fr: Stop that! I don't care if this is a five star
rated prison cell! She's still been kidnapped!
Fr: Let's just get her and be out of here before the DRAGON decides to show up!
J: She's not even bound or shackled, isn't that kind of strange?...
Fr: I really do not see how that is relevant, she is
locked in this tower and we have to save her from it!
Fr: Stop over-thinking this Jim! Your job is to sing!
J: But you told me not to!
Fr: Not really sure that terrible set of rhyming
couplets counts as singing! J:
Fr: Now then, stop wasting time, just wake her up, then we need to get out of here!
J: Princess, Princess! We're here to rescue you...
Fr: Think, Jim. She's a sleeping beauty. Kiss her!
J: What? No! Fr: Just do it! J: Awrr.. okay…
Princess: EWWWWW! Dog kisses!
Fr: Not so loud, princess! We've come to rescue you!
P: Rescue me? Why?
J: From the dragon! We've come to save your day! P: What?
No! Go away! leave me alone! I don't need rescuing!
J: But the dragon… P: … is none of your concern! J: Are you insane?!
Fr: I've seen this before. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. It's
when a victim of a kidnapper starts to side with her tormentor!
P: I don't side with the dragon, I… Fr: See?
That's a text book example of Stockholm Syndrome!
P: Heeeeeelp! There's some weird people in my bedroom!
Fr: No! You'll alert the dragon!
P: Well that's the whole point, isn't it? HEEEEEELP!
P: HEEEEELP! J: I think I just lost an octave...
Fr: Oh that's it, I've had enough! We'll have
to do this the hard way! P: Heeeeelp Help!
J: Yes!
ROOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
F: Oh great! It heard her!
Fr: So much for a stealthy approach!
Fr: Come on Jim, stop whimpering!
J: But she broke my G-string!
J: They're very expensive to replace...
Fr: Computer!
Fr: Exits!
Siri: There is an open balcony to the West, and a
locked door to the East. There is a small mailbox here.
J: Wait, what? Why is there a mailbox there?
Fr: Computer!
Fr: Open mailbox!
Siri: Opening the small mailbox reveals a leaflet...
Fr: Computeeeeer!
Fr: Read leaflet!
Siri: Welcome to the Simulated Reality Instance, SIRI for short...
Siri: This program is full of adventure, danger and low cunning...
Siri: In it you will explore some of the most
amazing territory ever seen by mortals...
Siri: No computer should be without one!
J: Now which one of us is wasting time?
Fr: Oh, right, right, sorry. I got a bit zorked up in the moment there...
Fr: Computeeeeer!
Fr: Locate dragon!
Siri: The dragon is.. 10.. miles.. East.. of your position
Fr: Oh, thank goodness!
Siri: Please note, Maps are in beta...
J: Well, the balcony it is, then...
J: We're ten floors up! Where are we going to go?
Fr: Just aim for the haystack! That always works!
RRRARRR! WHERE IS SHE!! I CAN SMELL YOU, MORTALS… SHE'S -MINE-!
YOU TOOK WHAT BELONGS TO -ME-!
YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO REGRET THIS!! ROOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!
Bellicose: Sneaky. I know sneaky. Being sly
and cunning only ever got me into trouble...
you miss something here, you forget something there and before you know it...
someone's caught you out and you're in serious bother!
Sneaky is not a game worth playing - Always best to be direct!
It’s just like Frank to try to be sneaky and take the glory for himself...
but with superior weaponry and training, Frank
will have to take heed and listen to the master...
I’ve been around the block a few times and know my stuff,
even if it doesn’t quite relate to slaying a dragon...
I’m sure tackling things head on is only the surefire way to succeed...
It's the only way these games are meant to be played!
I’m strong, fiercely independent and I’m not going to let Frank show me up!
I have a wealth of heroism coursing through my veins...
And words and actions of Shakespeare's finest
heroes are forever etched upon my brain...
Hamlet, Prospero, Puck, King Lear, Falstaff!
From these fine protagonists I shall draw up strength to rush in and save the
day and curtly crush that conniving cat and cowardly canine completely!
ROOOOOOOAR! Run all you like! I'll find you, you thieving little scoundrels!
Fr: Faster! It's gaining on us!
Jim: We should stop...
Fr: Are you -insane-?! Why are we stopping?!
J: I've heard somewhere that dragons can only see things that move...
Dragon: No, you're thinking of -Dinosaurs-, I can see you just FINE...
J: Clever girl... Fr: Oh move your ***!
C: What the-Frank? Jim?
B: I gather your sneaking was a terrible failure after all?
Fr: Not at all! While you were wasting time with all that
training nonsense, we've rescued the princess already!
J: But we left the dragon for you! KTHXBYE!
Dragon: RARRRRRR! Ha! Got you!
B: So, that's the mighty dragon? C: B: Bit small, isn't it?
Fr: Oh! inches, not meters. I made the same mistake on my moon lander!
D: Shut up!! Stop being silly! Where's my princess?!
Fr: She's in another castle?
D: ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!
D: ROOOOOOOOAR!
B: AAAAHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!
D: Now... my princess....if you -please-...
Fr: Come on, you two, you've got all the weapons and
stuff, give it hell! Isn't this what you leveled up for?
Now now then Frank, stop rushing! We have to have a -plan-first...
D: Don't keep me waiting...
Fr: I had a plan! And it worked! But noooooooo, Sir Bellicose
is much too good to listen to what I have to say–
B: Might I remind you that your plan almost got you roasted alive by a dragon–
Fr: A tiny dragon, I might add. It would have been fine
except that we had less people than I was expecting–
B: Fewer! You had fewer people!
Fr: What's the point of that? I'm trying to talk to you
and you just have to come out with something like that–
D: Just let me know whenever you're ready to die...
B: This is not really a discussion, you're just telling me I am wrong, which is hardly– Fr: But
you were wrong! Could you just get on with the fighting already, you're wasting our time–
C: Would you two knock it off! This isn't helping at all!
D: Bunnykins is right. Now, if you're quite finished…
B: This is a conversation between grown-ups, do you mind?!
C: Err, Frank? I thought this was all perfectly safe?
That looked pretty painful…
Fr: Wh-what? It is, I've tested this, and that, that shouldn't have happened!
Fl: Why helloooooooooooooooo!
Fl: Oooh! You're cute!
C: No, no, Fl00fy...
C: Computer, stop the program!
Siri: That is not possible at this time...
Fl: Awwwww! Aren't you just a cute little darling?
Fr: I'll just pause the program. Computeeeeeeer?
Siri: I'm sorry Frank, I can't let you do that...
C & Fr: Oh cabbages!
D: Come here! I'll bite your legs off! Give me back my princess!
Do you know how hard they are to find?!
Fl: Awww, isn't it a little silly teeny tiny dragon!
Yes you ARE!!! heehee..
C: No! Fl00fy, step away from the dragon!
Fr: Leave it alone, Fl00fy! We need to go, now!
Fl: Oh, you're silly! It's only a game, nothing can possibly go WRONG?...
D:
B & C & Fr: Fl00fy!
Fr: Fl00fyyyyyyyy!
D: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
Narrator: Brave and valiant Fl00fy has fallen
to the flames and has been burnt to ash...
N: the party was woefully under prepared, and with such massive divisions in the group, they were
not in any fit state to take on the devastating force presented by an angry adult dragon...
N: Fl00fy has unfairly paid the ultimate price for the failings of his friends...
N: We shall pick up our tale again shortly, in
the meantime, we could all do with a drink...
Narrator: The party has suffered a terrible defeat...
Under normal circumstances they would have managed to succeed in slaying the dragon...
instead the beast remains free and angrier than
ever, terrorising the town and its people...
Defeating it will be a much harder task, especially now that they are a man down, and the citizens
have started to turn against them for bringing down the wrath of the dragon upon them...
Will they realise the consequences for their actions?
Will they value what they have?
Will they resolve their differences now that Fl00fy had
been killed as a result of their petty in-fighting?
That…that remains to be seen...
They have regrouped to the town inn. They are tired
and weak, and they have no armour or weapons...
Fl00fy has left the party.
Coney: There was nothing we could have done...
Bellicose: More drinks, barkeep. Another round,
to remember our dearly departed Fl00fy...
C: Shh, Bellicose, stop upsetting Jim!
Neville: Oi there travellers, right sorry to be
treadin' on your grief and misery like that...
N: but I just wanted to thank you for rescuing
our princess. Drinks are on me today...
Frank: Yeah, yeah, more over here...
N: Help yourselves to anything behind the bar lads!
I'll go see how our princess is doing...
...that was quite a nasty bump to 'er noggin she 'ad...
N: serves her right for all that larking about she was doing...
N: told you what an awful dragon it was... stupid lizard!
Frank: Taken!...in his prime!
Fr: roasted by simulated dragonfire!...
Fr:...charred and blackened...
Fr:...his fur aflame...
Fr:...his blood boiling and his eyes bursting...
Fr:...oh Fl00fy, I've been a blithering idiot...
what a terrible father I've been…
C: Oh, Frank, that wasn't called for at all, now look what you've done!
B: He's right about one thing...
B:...being a blithering idiot!
B:...Frank has contributed yet another contrivance to his convoluted collection of crazy
contraptions, and cunningly convinced us all to consent to this careless catastrophe!
Fr: You-you're senile, saying I knew this would happen?!
You're blaming this on me?
B: I am, yes. Would you deny it?
C: Come on, Bellicose, that's not going to help...
I am merely suggesting that Frank take some responsibility
for his actions instead of drowning himself in mead!
Fr: That's it! I'm done with you, Bellicose!
C: Coney, tell that annoying goat I did everything I could!
Fr: Something goes wrong every year and you don't think I've worked this out by now?
Fr: Unlike him, I'm not too stubborn to learn new things...
B: And yet here we are! Your excessive vanity acts to insulate
you from simply accepting that you're a terrible scientist!
B: You... killed... Fl00fy!
Fr: Shut up! My playtests were fine and your leveling
was fine and nobody got burned to a crisp before!
Fr: Nobody so much as bruised... ever!
Fr: In fact... it doesn't even make sense! The fire isn't even real fire!
And this mead isn't-isn't rea... it isn't... ruh-ruh...
Mini-Klaus: Aww, is he not ze most abusable lightweight?
Fr: S-stop spinning the room, I-I wanna get off…
Mini-Sebastian: Ohh, mon petit-fleur, if you
were lookin’ to get off we could fix zat, oui…
B: That's it. Coney, tell that moron I'm not going to
put up with his idiocy any longer. I'm done with him...
Fr: Ha! Mr. know-it-all, the great actor, expert on all things...
Fr:...I'm done with him. Tell him, Coney!
C: I'm done with you BOTH!
Fr: Whaaa?
C: Fl00fy is dead and you two are STILL at each other’s throats? Nobody wants to hear it. I tell
you, that's one thing you DO share, this complete blindness to the people suffering around you!
C: Screw you! Screw BOTH of you!
Fr: Well! at least I did ONE thing right!
B: what pray tell was that?
Fr: I rescued the princess! that's got to count for something!
Princess: Ughh! Get off of me! Go away! Where are they?!
P: Ah, there you are!
Fr: Yush, here we are.. your HEROES!
Fr: What the heck did you do that for?! We saved you!
Fr: You should be thanking us! You're almost home!
P: What do you mean ALMOST home?!
B: You are a princess, surely you live in the palace?
P: Palace? Ha! There's no palace in the entire town!
I live HERE... in the tavern!
B: But... but you're the KING'S daughter!
P: You don't get it, do you? You.. you IDIOTS!
Fr: I don't get it…
P: Why... why did you have to go and ruin EVERYTHING?! Augh!!
Fr: What was that all about? She should be HAPPY, and THANKFUL...
and instead I get it on the NOSE!
B: I have no idea. But whatever it is that you
did, it seems you did a marvelous job, as usual!
Fr: Bill... you ***!
B: What did you just call me?!
Fr: You and me both. We’re -wankers!-
Fr: We didn’t have to fight. You’re too PROUD...
Fr: Coney pulled his life together, he got a job, and
he stopped being someone YOU could push around!
B: Now, that’s not fair!
Fr: HA! That’s the truth, though, isn’t it?
Fr: You took him under your wing and he suddenly didn’t need you anymore...
Fr: What are you? Some kind of father figu-figger-figaro... Dadperson?
Fr: So if you can’t boss him around any more, you try
bossing me around. Well it doesn’t work like that!
B: Go home Frank, you're drunk! Shut up!
Fr: Maybe I need a few drinks and get -*** up-once in
a while to speak my mind, but what have I got to lose?
Fr: I’ve lost Fl00fy... I may as well lose everything...
Fr: Joni Mitchell was right: "you don't know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone"...
Fr: Well, here it is Bill. Here’s the truth of it. Ready?
B: Okay, do your worst, what IS the truth?
Fr: You’re a BULLY... you’re a mean, cowardly, insecure bully!
Fr: Ha! Bully goat gruff... Sir William Bullycose... you’re -pathetic!-
Fr: Why can’t you accept that people operate at their
own pace, own speed and with their own motives?
Fr: Not everyone must do things the way YOU say...
Fr: Well, I’m not going to fight with you any more... you’re a ***...
Fr: I can almost hear it now; Fl00fy would have said something -rude-there...
Fr: He’d have said ‘oh my...’ or ‘mmm ***’...
Fr: But, he can’t now. You don’t even CARE, do you?
B: But I DO care. I miss him, I don’t understand it.
I thought I -hated-him...
B:...but he was maybe the most genuine of all of us...
B: Frank, maybe I am forceful, maybe I think I have the right idea all the time.
Maybe I’m impatient and I -don’t-tolerate fools...
B: But I DO care...
B: I care that we lost a friend!...I think I need a moment...
Siri: There is nothing wrong with your
holodeck..do not attempt to adjust the picture...
Fr: Wait-what the-I-you-Fl00fy?!
Fr: Oh my god! Fl00fy!? I see you! But you died...
Fr: I saw you die! Speak to me! Fl:
~!~1♪£FAtherrrrrrrr-r- -r-r—–~/1’♪24;1'241'2♪3'
Fr: FL00FY, PLEEEEEEASE!
Fr: Fl00fy… Please come back?
B: Frank, he’s gone, just let him go! Fr: Bill, I saw him! He CAME to me!
B: Frank, you’ve been drinking heavily,
you’re hallucinating. You should stop now...
Fr: But he was there!...I saw him... I HEARD him!
Fl: I @&@£@%%%5— I miss^^*£@@* Father. %** Con&77(Jim@))000Goaty—e–e–eeeee
Fr: Oh Fl00fy! I miss you too. Please come back to me, PLEEEEASE!
Fr: I didn’t want you to die... why did you leave? Whhhyyy?
B: on earth has he been drink...
B: Oh! Oooooo....
Fl: Mmmm..dicks...
Frank: Oh Fl00fy, how can I even begin to make sense of any of this?
I think people just assume that Fl00fy’s deranged state made him think that
I’m his father, but from the moment his eyes opened, I imprinted on to him...
His assumption was that I was his dad and no amount
of correcting him would make him change his mind...
I made him back at the old lab, but it’s more complicated than that...
It’s not like he was an accident or anything, but
I didn’t set out to create Fl00fy as he is now...
It’s common knowledge that I was working for a defence research company at the time, and
that he was made there. But there wasn’t a company-sponsored project to create him...
I was a father once and unfortunately not for as long as I should have been...
Cruel fate snatched him from me...
And what would any of us give to be able to revisit
that past and see things how they used to be?
What would we do for the power to undo what’s been done?...
No-one knows about it. Not even Fl00fy…
Well, I guess he’ll never know now... It’s too late for him....
Cruel fate strikes again and it’s all my fault once more...
And here I am, drunk as a skunk, and for the second
time in my life, the father to a dead child...
Coney: This shouldn’t have happened. Tell me it didn’t. I’m really hoping this is all
some kind of dream and we’ll all wake up in a minute and everything’ll be fine.
Jim: No, I think it happened. It really happened...
J: There’s no way he could have survived, I’m sorry, Coney...
C: Oh God, he’s actually -gone-...Frank's safeties didn't -work-...
C: Oh Jim, it's finally happened, these stupid
adventures have finally got one of us killed...
C: We shouldn’t have left him. We shouldn’t have let
those two STUPID BLOCKHEADS argue and divide us...
C: And now it’s all too late. We can’t save him now! He’s…he's dead…
J: ♫ There were a brave band of five...
Whose tales were never told...
But because they were always brave...
Together they would grow old...
Until one frightful day in May...
When trapped in a game gone mad...
They split their separate ways...
And what started out fun went bad...
Two of them began to argue...
The others picked a side...
One wasn’t wanted by either two...
And then he went and died...
Poor Fl00fy, we never knew you...
Your pink fur always bright...
Know that we’ll always miss you...
Now we can’t make it right...
Know that we'll always miss you...
Now we can’t make it right ♫
J: I miss you, Fl00fy...
J: I'm so sorry!
Agnes: That was beautiful!
Daniel: So sad... so very sad! Bob: Please, sing more for us!
J: No, I don’t think I can. I’m sorry. I just needed to get it out of my system....
C: No, please, just leave us alone....
B: What happened next? What happened to them after their friend died?
C: We failed the people we promised to help, we ended up fighting
some more, and then drowned our sorrows and then we split up again.
Villagers: It's YOU!
Ch & D: It's THEM!
B: You brought this dragon on us!
C: Wha... we didn’t mean to! J: We also saved your princess!
A: Our princess!? What princess?
D: Ah... I think they mean Neville’s daughter!
B: Oh no, you idiots! The innkeeper’s
-Daughter-is called ‘Princess’! That’s her name!
C: What? How? Who’s the king then? Who’s in charge?!
C: King?! We don’t have one of those. We’re a small federal republic!
D: We elect a new leader every month. It’s fairer that way. And
if someone’s good, they can stay in power for up to four months.
C: That’s right!
J: That's nuts! A quest to rescue an innkeeper’s moody daughter
from a moody dragon? We should have just left them alone...
A: Yes. You should have, now you’ve brought us -all-this trouble and bother!
B: Not to mention the losses you've taken as well!
C: What gave you the right to meddle in our affairs? How dare you!
D: You can’t just go assuming that, just because there’s a tower with a fair maiden in it guarded by
a dragon, that she needs rescuing and the dragon needs slaying and we’ll all be ETERNALLY grateful!
B: For all you know we might all be happy with that. We could have had a
referendum on the matter! And you barge in and -ignore due process!-
C: I’m sorry! I really am! We all had no idea and I
know that ignorance isn’t a good reason for that...
C: But we were asked to help by the innkeeper and in our eagerness to do something good and
right and for you all, we rushed in without proper planning and ended up making a mess...
Villagers: Too right!
C: I don’t know how I can make it up to you,
or to our friend, but I will do what I can...
C: You have my word. And that might not count
for much, but I give it to you anyway!
C: I cannot stand just idly by while there is a mess to be cleaned up!
C: We have to work together to fix this!
C: And that dragon, he remains a threat to free, open and democratic society!
C: It is only right that all who challenge the
course of freedom, be struck down and challenged!
C: I promise to you that we all, as one, will stand up!
We will take this fight to the dragon’s door!
C: We cannot - no! - we WILL not allow this kind of direct and blatant
attack on freedom, on the accepted way of living of everyone here in...
A: Crapton!
C: The village of... what?
C: Of what???
C: Crapton???
Crapton! Crapton! Crapton! Crapton!
C: I stand here in front of you and make these promises. For our fallen
friend, for our broken friendships, for the lives we’ve threatened...
C: And for the people of, uh, Crapton!
Crapton! Crapton! Crapton!
C: We will lead you in glorious triumph against that dragon. My name is Coney
and I will avenge our fallen friend in your honour, the people of Crapton!
Crapton! Coney! Crapton! Coney!
J: Coneyyyyyyy! What are you doing?
C: I don’t know. I’m just going with the flow.
This feels right!
Fl: Yesssss...
Fl:... %^%**£@@ Troubl… ^*%£@ Arrghhhhh!£$(^$ Dead. **&*&*(((£
A: Heeeelp! It’s a demon!
B: A sky demon!
C: A pink sky demon!
Fl: Oh $@&&&&&&@£ dragon!^&££ Terri&£**% Pains…
%££$^%^&&*(*((((* Ple!@%$@@ God$^£@@ God!$&* Just please@&%55…
D: That's not a demon... that's a GOD!
C: Fl00fy? Is that you?!
J: Fl00fy! Please come back!
Fl: Are you ^$**^%?
Villagers: Sky God! Sky God! Sky God! Sky God!
Fl: Dragon%554£$%£43££$ Kill!$&£$£$£*****
For%%Coney^& ***$££$£ Okay$@@&Did you get that?
A: He said, to kill the dragon!
D: He said it's okay!
Villagers: Kill the dragon! Kill it for Crapton!
Kill it for Coney! For the Sky Goooood!
Sky God! Sky God! Sky God! Sky God!
J: Oh no, they’ve gone from a -free-federal republic to an
***-backwards religious state in the space of five minutes!
C: Jim, I think Fl00fy might still be alive! Computer?
C: Where are Frank and Bellicose?
Siri: Frank and Sir William are drinking at the Stinking Beaver Tavern...
C: C'mon!
Fl:!£$^&@$Are you still there?$&@$
Bellicose: I always say what I think, you will never
get anything but the cold, hard truth from me...
I am immensely proud of how straight talking
I am - what you see is what you get!
Life isn't made of sunshine and daffodils, and it never helps to pretend that it is!
Being the kind of person I have been knocks a few traits out of
you, like the act of wearing your emotions on your sleeve...
You start to sympathise, you get attached; all these complications.
I cannot allow that to get in the way of what needs to be done...
It is not that I don’t FEEL anything, but why should I go about showing it?
Why should I allow myself to be seen as weak?
I'm ALWAYS the one who has to carry out those morally
questionable tasks nobody else wants to do...
Destroying the enemy with a swift hoof. Remembering the important truths,
that not -everyone-can be saved, and not everyone SHOULD be saved...
So what happens now? Fl00fy is gone and we're stuck because of Frank... again...
And everyone's so intent on mourning, again,
that nobody is focused on the actual problem...
Frank would want me to show something, shed a tear,
join them on their level in their sorrows...
And yet, without trying to work with my companions,
I fear we may not be able to leave this place...
Frank must know that too, and yet he has nothing but insults for me now...
It seems so irresponsible that he can't see
through our argument to address the common good!
Oh. Hmm. I must perhaps concede that the crazy
cat is not entirely at fault in that way…
Neville: Anything else I can do for you lads?
A mug o’ scrumpy perhaps?
Frank: I tell you, it was Fl00fy I saw!
N: You got a nasty hangover, mate... once I drank SO much
I thought I saw the *** Mary, over in the red lights!
N: When I woke up, turned out her name was John...
Bellicose: I'm sure it was just the alcohol. I don't know
- What-we were drinking but it knocked even ME out!
B: Neville, have you got anything over there to help straighten out a hangover?
N: Hmm, I might very well do! Doctor?
Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency...
N: These delightfully sluggish gentlemen have what seems
to be a case of -mild-ethyl hydroxide poisoning...
Doc: I prescribe the patients each immediately take a 50
milligram dose of trimethylxanthine. Will that be all?
N: Marvellous! That'll be -just-the job!
N: 'ere you go, as prescribed - coffee!
Frank: I know what I saw! It was a message! A message from the other side!
B: Oh, you feline pest, you've completely lost it now...
B: A ghost? Oh no, if so then we are truly damned!
B: Damned to be haunted by that young pink visage for the rest of our days!
Coney: Hey! You guys! You'll never believe what we just saw!
B: Oh no, you too?
Jim: What? Isn't it great? We thought you'd be happy!
B: Wait, what? How is Fl00fy's restless soul
haunting us for all eternity a good thing?
Fl00fy: Yoo-Hoooooooo! Fr & B: Augggggh!
Fr: Fl00fy? J: Jim! Fl: FATHER!
B: It's Fl00fy's ghost again! Fr: The ghost of pink gone by!
Fl: Nooo! Don't be silly goaty-woaty! It really is me.. I'm fine! Mostly...
Fl: So glad I finally got through to you all! Took a while to get
signal in here, the basement has TERRIBLE reception you know!
B: So, you did not pass on? How is this possible?
Fl: Beats me! One second I was attempting to
befriend that -delightfully-diminutive dragon...
Fl: next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor next to your machine,
with parts of my -luxuriously-lush hide singed right off!
Fl: On the positive side, I won't have to shave
my… B: Yes, yes, we get the picture, thank you!
Fr: Wait a second! How are you talking to us? I didn't put
a communications system in to the external interface!
Fl: Facetime! I just dialled your phone, you
know, the one you’re running the holodeck from!
Fr: Oh right.. eheh.. I guess there is an app for that...
J: Well come on! You're outside now, pull the plug on this so we can get home!
I wanna go home... there's no place like home...
Fl: Okie! Juuuuust a moment!
Fr: NOOO! Don't do it! If you don't shut this down
properly, the FILE system could be corrupted!
J: OH MY GOOOOD! Wait… so what?
Fr: Because of the way my machine works, your body is linked to the
holographic environment using quantum entanglement and nano suction cups!
Fr: You corrupt the file system, there’s no telling WHAT might happen to us!
C: But, let me guess, it would be bad? Fr: More than likely!
J: By increasing the megabark throughput?
Fl: Well, how did -I-get out then?
Fr: Excellent questions! I think I have an idea. Did you
notice all of the glitches, the lights flickering and such?
C: Hmm.. now you mentioned it, I had noticed something
odd, even outside. But I figured that was just a bug...
Fr: Noo no, the bugs are working as intended. I think that these
flickers are caused by an overload on the iPhone's A6 processor.
J: Ohhhhh I know that one! it's caused by not enough waffle irons…
Fr: Did you notice the glitching only happens when Bellicose and
me argue, or when Fl00fy was in mortal peril around the dragon?
Fl: I wasn't in peril! I rather liked the little lizard!
Fr: But the dragon was angry! Oh wait! Of course! That's it!
J: YAAAAY!…..erm, what?
Fr: It's ANGER! It causes the reality matrix to
overload… I should have accounted for that...
Fr: It seems the A6 processor just can't handle
calculating strong emotions very well...
Fr: With the sheer number of floating point calculations required, the ARM core of the A6’s system on a
chip should have coped reasonably well, but it can’t handle so many in parallel! J: here we go again...
J: Maybe if we calibrate the flux capacitor...
Fr: I think we could have done with more cores,
and my iPhone really hasn’t got enough...
Fr: Remind me when this is over to upgrade as my contract is up anyway!
C: What now? We make everyone angry, and then have the dragon -roast-us?
Fl: It worked for me! But then, I guess I might have been a bit lucky… after all, my
fur got singed, and something in my ribs makes a weird crunchy noise when I move...
Fr: What happens to us here can affect us. Remember the entanglement!
Fr: Our bodies are bound to the simulation, and if we can't overload
it at the right time, we might just DIE trying to get out!
C: So, are we back where we started?
Fr: Well, maybe anger is not the only way...
hmm, hang on! Computer!
Fr: Access phone storage. Play slideshow from collection two!
Siri: Two hundred and thirty four images found.
Commencing slideshow “FETLIFE”
Fr: NO! NONONO!!! Computer! Play collection three!
Collection THREE! Not two! Threeeeeeeeee!
Siri: Are you sure you want to start a new presentation?
The current presentation will be interrupted. Frank: YES!
B: Well that's something that's going to take WEEKS of drinking to erase!
Siri: Five thousand, nine hundred and forty two images found.
Commencing slideshow “CHEESEBURGER”
J: Awwwww! CUUUUUUUUUTE! This is SO inspiring!...
J: ♫ Ohhh, the pictures of the kittens are warming up my heart
They are all so cute and sweet like a unicorn's fart
I just can't take my eyes away from those bundles of fluff
As I watch them on the screen my soul fills up with loooooove~ ♫ J: Oh Ow OW!
J: Everyone's a critic...
Fr: JIM! It almost worked! Why did you have to SING?!
J: I'm a BARD! I LOVE to sing!
Fl: That's IT! Fr: Whaaaat?
Fl: Love! It's the strongest of all emotions. Like my eternal love
for Bellicose, or the love of Jim for his inflatable… B: Fl00fy!!
Fl:… pool toy. Love surely will overload your quantanamo-tanglethingy-watchamadoodle. J: Hey, leave
my pool toys out of this. It's just a platonic relationship! Fr: Hmm.. this could -work-...
J: Ahhhhhh... please… don't kick me again! Fr: Don't hit me again!
Princess: don't worry. I'm sorry… I just
can't stand being back here at the tavern...
P: I hate this place SO much…
B: I really do not understand, WHY is the princess still here?
C: It's not -the-princess Bellicose. It's just
'Princess', she's the inn-keeper’s daughter!
B: Wait, what? We risked our lives for the daughter of some... some -barkeep-?
Fr: Yeah! It was -him-who sent us to rescue her!
P: My.. Dad? HE sent you? Oh..I should have suspected!
P: You see, I wasn't kidnapped at all, I ran away...
P: I...-love-Clarissa...
P: Ever since we met at an asbestos knitting workshop,
we've been doing everything together... J:
J: Clarissa? C: You mean the DRAGON?
Fr: What kind of name for a dragon is Clarissa?
P: A BEAUTIFUL ONE! But... Dad wouldn't let me be with her,
even if my -presence-calms her fierce and fiery temper...
B: I do wonder what it is you could see in that -beast-...your
'beautiful' dragon roasted our friend! P: AFTER you kidnapped me!
C: But she set fire to the whole town! Everyone fears her!
Your Dad says she -eats-people!
P: She certainly wouldn't do such a thing! Dad just wanted to
lead you on, and the villagers… they… they don't underSTAND!
C: Understand? Understand -what-?
P: Do you have -any-idea how hard it is to have
to keep a relationship like this a secret?!
P: We could never be together, never marry. I just wish people would be
more accepting of relationships outside their narrow-minded world view...
P: Like the love of a woman for another woman...
Fl: Or the love of a genetic experiment for a goat...
J: Or the love of a dog for his pool toy...
P: We've been planning this for months, to run away together. This was the ONLY way…
P: and then you ruined everything... EVERYTHING!
Fr: We didn't know… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…but we'll make this right!
J: Yeah, we'll get you back your dragon!
P: Really? You would do that for ME?
J: Of course! We're HEROES!
B: wait wait... is this -Really-such a good idea?
C: Well, think about it Bellicose, if we can get those two
back together, their -love-might break us out of the program!
B: Hmm, I suppose so, that seems about as
sensible as any of our usual plans anyway...
Fr: Right, now let's go and find that DRAGON! J: YAAAAY!
Frank: You know, if this doesn’t work, we could
all end up seriously harmed or dead or worse!
I’m not sure the others appreciate that, or maybe they’re ignoring it...
I don’t know how they press on when they know their lives might be in danger...
I can't stand it! I just don't want to mess something
up and then something goes wrong, again...
Maybe this is just what happens when you grab life by the
seat of the pants and press forth into the unknown...
Pioneering science, mistakes happen, you can't
make an omelette without breaking eggs...
The things I do are sometimes REALLY dangerous.
But then I never -forced-anyone to be here!
We're just doing it because it's cool, I'm sure Bellicose certainly
wouldn't come if he didn't want to. We're all in this together!
Together…yikes, and all those things I said to Bill
when I was drunk. He's never going to trust me again!
I don't like how he never backs down, and I don't like how he dismisses my science...
And yet this is MY science project, how is anybody
else but ME going to work out how to fix this?!
Oh. Yeah, I should really listen to the crap I'm thinking. Reasoning
like that means I'm never going to listen to anyone's advice...
like my knowledge somehow makes me better
than everyone else. Hah, that's ridiculous...
They're my friends, they help me out and they DO have
good ideas and they've never asked anything in return...
Even Bill, stubborn as he is, he'd never leave us to our doom...
Even compared to our normal adventures, this outing has been one
failure after another. We'd have done much better as a -real-group...
And yet, honestly? Even now I don't think this is MY fault...
Bellicose -always-has to throw his opinion about, but sometimes
he needs to accept that -his-way is not the -only-way...
This infighting is terrible. I'm so sorry it's escalated this far...
I just want to get us home now, and I hope Bellicose is feeling the same way...
And yet I just can't shake the feeling that this is all coming together far too late…
Frank: Is this really the best idea we have?
Fr: Walking up to the front door of a dragon’s
keep - an angry and very annoyed dragon, at that?
Coney: Don’t worry Frank, everything will be fine once she sees Princess.
Fr: Yeah, but, what if she is the kind to breathe fire and ask questions later?
C: She’s not Bellicose...
Bellicose: Now shush you! We're close and we don't want to startle her...
B: As Frank said, she’s very cross with us. We... or
more accurately -Frank and Jim-took her friend...
B: As you know these reptiles are rather -slow-witted-,
all teeth and claws and violence, no refinement at all...
B: And for all we know, it could even be well her time of the… Fr & Jim: Ahem...
B: What are you..?
B: Oh...
B: She’s behind me isn’t she? J: Mm-hmm...
Clarissa: No no -please-continue... I'm sure
we're all VERY curious to hear you finish...
B: I, err... um... uh...
Co: We have something for you!
B: Yes! Yes we do. Come in, Princess! Cl: Princess?!
Princess: Oh! My dear Clarissa! I thought we would never see each other again!
Cl: It's wonderful to see you! You won’t believe what it's
been like without you. I’ve been... beside myself with woe!
Jim: Well, if you call burning down half the town woe...
P: I’m -sorry-I caused this trouble, I should just
have told everyone of our love in the first place!
P: But I thought they could never understand it,
it's difficult to try and explain our feelings...
P: Pure and unmatched... together... forever! Aww, Clarissa...
Cl: My sweet Princess...
Co: Oh no no NO! It’s the villagers!
The ones I spoke to... they’ve actually come!
B: Oh dear, Coney, what did I tell you? What
have I told you about opening your big mouth!
Cl: You're not REALLY the expert on knowing when to shut your mouth, Mr Goat!
Co: This was before we found out about Princess! I told them they should rise up
and take you on themselves. You were behaving like a beast back then... I’m sorry!
Cl: Well, I AM a beast! I knew this day would come...
Cl: Villagers hating dragons always comes to this...
Cl: Can't a girl just... set things on fire... in peace?
J: Well, what are we going to do now? I don’t think
they are going to listen to us, they look angry!
B: Well, we must defend the princess and the dragon!
We need them to get out of here!
B: Coney, you take the lead and slow them down, everyone
else, split up and take on as many as you can! Co: Right!
Co: Ooo OOH! I’ve ALWAYS wanted to say this!...
Co: YOOOOU SHALL NOT PASSSSSSS!
Co: "Blockaded, serenaded and jaded. I declare you all DOWNGRADED!"
Co: Ha ha haaaaaaaaa!
Mini-villager 1: Oi! What the?! You MONSTER!
We still have claws and teeth!
Mini-villager 2: Yeah! We’ll bite your ANKLES off!
Co: Oh really? "Clearly this does not suffice, let’s
do it again and zap you TWICE!"
Co:
J: ♫ But you didn't have to chase me here...
Just assume it never happened and that it was nothing...
And suddenly you are all on my rear...
And you're acting like you'd kill me and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low...
Have your friends pick up the pitchforks and then gang up against me...
I guess that you can't help it, though...
Since you are just some villagers I used to know! ♫
Harry: You suck! Isabelle: Yeah!...you can’t sing at ALL!
Jack: It really was a POOR performance, you've really let
yourself down, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to say... NO!
J: Raugh! Right! That’s it, I’ve HAD it with you lot!
J: YOU try singing off the top of your head for over SIX HOURS! My throat is sore, and
if you’re not going to listen to me.. well, what do I need all these instruments for?!
J: Come back here! I’m not done with my ENCORE yet!
Fr: Hey, stop that! This isn’t fair! I really should have re-rolled my character!
Fr: Fl00fy! Fl: Father!
Villager: SKY GOD!
Fr: Fl00fy! Quick, help! Fl00fy: Anything for you daddy dearest!
Hmm.. Just a moment..oh yes! I've got just the thing!
Fl: Let’s get ready to RRRRRRRRUMBLE!!!!!
Fr: YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Fr: Um... um... YAAAAAAAAAAAH!
B: Ha! Take that, and that, and THAT! Have at thee, sir!
B:
B: Don't worry Princess, I shall protect you...
P: HEEEEEEEEE-YA!
P: HA!
B: You.....you know Kung-Fu?
P: Well of course, I DID have to fill my time while I was staying with my love...
P: What do you think we did to -amuse-ourselves...
ALONE... in that tower up there?
B: I was trying not to think about that...
B: Oh....oh no there's MORE!
P: There's just too many of them!
P: Thank you again my dearest! I thought we were done for!
Fr: We’ve taken out a load Bill, but I’m not sure what we’re going to do!
Fr: There’s just too many conflicting emotions
here for the system to overload on just the one!
J: Well, what ARE we going to do? The villagers just keep coming!
Crowd: Down with the dragon! The lizard must die!
Down with the dragon! The lizard must die!
P: Please... stop! All of you! I WON'T let you harm her!
Cl: No my dear, STOP!
J: ♫ STOP! In the naaaaaaaame of love! ♫ Augggggggh!!! B: Be quiet Jim!
Neville: Oi! Oi! Let me through! That's my daughter there!
Let me through! P: Father!??
N: Princess! Come along my dear! Get away from that
'orrible monster! P: No! Stop! You don't understand!
N: Ey? What don't I understand my sweet? You were -kidnapped!-
N: I don't know what you -think-you're doing back 'ere again but…
P: Father... father... it... it's simple! The reason I returned, it… it's LOVE!...
N: Love? Love? What you talking about my dear?
N: The only thing round 'ere is that DRAGON!...
N: Now come home and we'll have no more about this...
P: No! No father I am not going! I LOVE THIS DRAGON! I LOVE HER!
P: And I... WE..want to stay together! Why can't you understand that?!
N: What? No!...this is absurd! Come along now!
N: No girl of mine is flying off with some lizard!…
P: DRAGON! She's a DRAGON! N: No! Enough of this!
N: I'm you're FATHER and you'll be doing as -I-say!
P: No! You are NOT going to STOP us!
N: Oh YES I will! Come on lads!
Cl: RAAAAAARR! Let her go this INSTANT!
N: Oi! That be enough of that from you BEAST!
N: You AIN'T having my daughter and that's the END of it!
N: One move from YOU and things ain't going to be very PRETTY for my DEAR here!
Co: What?! You'd DO that to your own DAUGHTER?!
N: It's for 'er own good! You think I didn't KNOW?!
J: What?! YOU sent us on this quest and you KNEW she wanted to be with HER?
N: Well! I -doubt-you would of gone to get 'er otherwise, would you?
B: That is TERRIBLE! You sir are a CAD! A SCOUNDREL!
Fr: Yeah! That is atrocious! Who do you think you ARE?
N: 'Er FATHER!...THAT'S who!
N: And when I worked out she'd been seeing this
'ORRIBLE lizard... well, I knew what I'd 'ave to do!
N: It was so -good-of you adventurers to turn up when you did!...
N: Thought it'd save me all the trouble of getting 'er me-self!
N: But seeing as YOU LOT couldn't hit a -barn door-with
a -banjo-it looks like I'm gonna have to do it me self!
B: Now listen HERE! There's NO need for this!
Fr: Bellicose is right! Can't you LISTEN to your daughter?! She LOVES her!
B: Indeed! And NOTHING should come between that!
N: Now now! I think you lot have done quite enough!
I'll be 'aving no more lip from YOU neither!
P: Daddy! No please! They are only trying to HELP!
N: They were trying to help this scaly scoundrel
steal you again dear! And I can't be 'aving that!
N: There's only one way to deal with this! And that's to get rid of this MONSTER...
and if none of you are going to do it, it looks like ILLl have to!
N: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! P: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cl: Nooo....Princess.....
N: Wha... what have I DONE?!
N: Princess... NOOOO!
Cl: R... Rrrrrr... RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
Cl: Don't DIE!.....my LOVE...
P: It... it's okay... I know I'll live on in your heart...
Cl: What... what will I do -without-you?
P: You will go on my love, you are -strong-...
P: Just.. remember ME, remember our LOVE and the times we’ve had TOGETHER...
Cl: ALWAYS... I... I don’t want it to end...
Fl: Guys?! HELLOOO!? Something REALLY strange is happening to the machine out here!
There's all sorts of smoke and lights and it looks li-
Fr: Well, it worked!
Fr: The emotions were too much to process! But, the holodeck is OVERLOADING!
J: I-I don't like this, it's going to EXPLODE!
Quick, we have to get OUT of here!
B: We're still INSIDE, Jim you fool! Where are we supposed to GO?!
J: We-we're out of TIME… no, th-this CAN'T be how it ends!
Fr: Just.. just HOLD ON EVERYBODY!!
J: we survived!...
C: Yeah... it looks like we're all in one piece! But.....how?
Fr: I think... well... I... I really don't know...
the system CRASHED, I think we were just... LUCKY?
C: What about Princess and Clarissa? What happens to them NOW?
J: They found each other. Maybe they still exist...-somewhere-...
J: Maybe there IS a digital afterlife… I don't KNOW...
J: But... WHEREVER they are, I hope they're happy.
They deserve it...
Fr: Guys, look, I'm sorry. You all -know-that...
Fr: All this bickering... fighting... and me and
my inventions nearly cost us our lives!...AGAIN...
Fr: I really don't know what to SAY...
C: D'ohhh... it's okay Frank, we forgive you!
B: Frank... J: Oh come on Bellicose! He said SORRY!...
B: Hush! Let me speak! I am…I am not good at this…
B: Listen, I know I can be a pain at times. And
I want to express my -sincere-apologies...
B: I have been no better than that terrible father, shouting at
all of you and never listening or considering your -feelings-...
B: You are a good man, Frank... INSANE mind you, but I do believe that you mean well..
B: All of you, I do not deserve your company, thank you for being my... my...
C: Friends?
B: Yes, friends, ALL of you...
J: Yay! Okay! Group hug! B: What? Auuuugh…!
C: Come on guys, let's leave these girls in -peace-
Neville: It's been... FIVE years since my darling Princess has gone...
Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself...
I shouldn't have been so JUDGEMENTAL...
I KNOW that now...
And well.......I kind of LIKE the idea...
You know... Girl-on-Girl...
Just....not my daughter!
I -always-.....I don't know...
You always LOOK at these things, and other things,
and then you talk to friends down the pub...
And you always LAUGH...
but when it's one of YOURS...
You DON'T laugh...
You WORRY...
You CRY, you WEEP...
And then it turns to ANGER...
Resentment...
And then you start to wonder WHY...
WHY does she do it?
Or why DID she do it?
But that doesn't change it...
I did what I did...
It was WRONG...
And I'VE gotta live with it...
I just hope...
Wherever she is...
She can forgive me...
I DO miss her...
***** Subtitles by Panthras ******