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Tommy: information
officer's log:
last time on
3rd rock from the sun
as Alissa was helping me
write my valedictorian speech,
Sally misunderstood and thought
Alissa was breaking up with me.
Just like Sally to do
something totally stupid.
Listen, Tommy's
breaking up with you.
The big giant head returned
to earth with Vicki Dubcek,
his new wife and queen.
But she was not happy
to find out
about Harry's
new relationship with Janice.
The queen
is pissed.
While that wasn't bad enough,
the big giant head
won't leave *** alone.
It's really kinda creepy.
We still don't know
what it's all about.
Because I am
your father.
Sally, have you been
to my school lately?
No!
Oh--y--
yes, I was.
I was there. Um
I broke up with
Alissa for you.
Ah ha!
Whywould you do that?
She was gonna
dump you first.
I didn't want to see
my baby get hurt.
I am not your baby!
I'm older than
all of you,
and it's time you start
treating me that way!
Ok, well, now I know why
Alissa was gonna dump you.
You're very moody.
Sally! Harry!
Tommy!
I have some
astounding news!
What's goin' on, ***?
You guys know the big
giant head, right?
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
Well, you're not
gonna believe this,
but he's my--
he's my father!
What?!
No way!
That's just like
in star wars
when Luke skywalker finds out
that Darth Vader's his father!
Oh, grow up, Tommy.
That was popular
entertainment.
This is real life!
I knew it!
I knew it!
That's why I wasn't
made high commander.
Daddy was playing
favorites!
Oh, I don't
know what to do!
I don't know
what to feel!
Who am I?!
Well, let me see
your first name's
***
your new last name
is head
so I guess
that would make--
oh, my god.
Are you sure this is what
fathers and sons do?
Yeah.
Trust me.
I saw it on
a Kodak commercial.
How long do we drag
our strings in the water?
I guess until somebody
takes our picture
and then processes it
on Kodak paper.
Can I ask you
something, sir?
Well, sure, son.
Why did you wait
until now
to tell me
you're my father?
Well, I've been
very busy!
But nowI want to find
new meaning in my life.
And please
call me dad.
I couldn't do that,
not after eons
of you being
my unpredictable and
domineering overlord.
That's a short leap
to dad.
There's something
wrong with my string.
It's a fish!
Sir!
Oh! Aah!
You got a fish!
Look out! Oh!
I'll save you, sir!
Just--throw it away!
Get it out of here!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's all right.
We're safe now.
You were very brave,
son.
So were you, dad.
You see!
That wasn't hard,
was it?
I guess not
dad.
Pops.
Old man.
Geezer!
Bag of bones!
Dad!
Dad.
The fish we got
in the market
have a lot less attitude
than the ones in the lake.
Nina, could you behead
and filet these for us?
We're both starving.
Oh, I'd be happy to!
Would you like them
grilled or sautéed?
You are such
a sweetheart.
[Giggling]
Isn't she great?
DickI wanna know
who you are,
who you surround
yourself with.
I think we should have
a big party tonight,
and I want you to invite that
special young lady of yours.
Tonight?
She can't come.
Busy?
No. She hates you.
Oh, great.
Now you two
dress alike.
Why don't you just
get a room already?
Mary, please
don't be mad--
uh, ***, I'll
take care of this.
Mary, it seems
I've been ungentlemanly
toward you.
You? No!
I love it when
you pinch my ***!
It's goofy fun!
I deserve
that witty barb,
but it would
please me no end
if you would join us
for dinner tonight.
I could make amends.
We could start over.
I don't know
please, Mary.
Honor us with
your presence.
I
youlook
lovely!
Ok, I'll come!
Alissa!
Alissa!
Girls: aah!
Tommy!
You've been avoiding me,
but I deserve a chance to--
man, this is really hot!
Hey, Solomon,
why don't you send
your aunt down here
to ogle us,
you *** geek!
Oh, yeah? Well,
why don't you
put some clothes on,
you[Weakly] Sexy mama!
Tommy, will you
please get lost?
No. No. Just listen
to me for a second.
I did not tell Sally
to break up with you.
Oh, really? So she just
decided to come down here
and do it on her own?
Yes!
I don't need Sally.
Breaking up with you
is something
I will do myself.
What?!
When the time co--
if the time comes!
Ok, you know what?
It is so over between us.
And I'm giving you back
everything you ever gave me!
You--I--
[Whimpers]
If only I'd given
her that towel.
So, Mary, tell me
more about yourself.
What do
your parents do?
Oh, you know.
They're just average retirees.
Dad plays golf.
Yeah. And her mom
likes to get tanked
and shoot at squirrels
from the garden window
with a Bb gun.
You're just gonna
love these people.
Sally
we're running low
on the mini-quiche.
Could you heat up
another batch?
Oh, that's nice.
Order me around
in front of your father.
But just you wait
till daddy's gone.
I'm gonna give you
the wedgie of a lifetime!
I'm telling!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, citizens.
Oh, hi!
Hi, boyfriend.
Hello,
my gentle giant.
Hey, hon.
Hey!
I brought you
a little somethin'
for after the meal.
Oh, thanks.
"People's exhibit b"?
It came from
a bakery we raided
that was a front
for a drug dealer.
You might want
to scrape off
the powdered sugar
before you serve it.
Hey, Janice!
Hey, Vicki!
How are you?
Good!
You two know
each other?
Well, yeah. I met Vicki
at the mall today.
Well, what
a small world!
You know, I wonder
who else I know
knows someone I know
that I don't know
knows that person
I know.
You know?
Uh-huh
hey, Vicki, I have
an extra ticket
to Tommy's
graduation.
Please tell me
you'll come. Please!
I don't know.
Harry, isn't graduation
sort of a family thing?
Oh, come on.
Are you kiddin' me?
Hearin' the names
of 500 kids
read
in alphabetical order?
That's not just fun
for family.
That's fun for everyone!
You are so cute.
Mmm
yes. And aren't you
just the perfect couple?
Ha ha. Hey.
You know what?
If you come
to that graduation,
I'm gonna
take care of you.
I'm gonna take care
of you real good!
[Slurring] You're a lot nicer
than I thought you were,
old stoney, old boy.
You're too kind.
Your friend ***
is the kindest,
most interesting man
I have ever been with
and let me tell you,
I have been
with a lot of men.
A lot.
Oh, really? Ahem.
How many?
[Drunkenly]
A lady never tells.
More than 5?
Easily.
More than 40?
No!
Wait.
Yeah!
Ah. Thanks, dad.
It's so nice to see you
and Mary getting along.
Isn't she wonderful?
She certainly tries
to give off
that impression.
Yep. She's a keeper.
Son, Iwant you
to break up with her.
What?
You heard me.
But she's my girlfriend.
She's a ***
and a ***!
I usually like
in a woman.
But that's not good
enough for my son!
I can't break up with Mary.
I love her!
Sorry, son.
My house, my rules.
But this is
my house!
Right. But your house
is in my galaxy. I win.
This is totally unfair!
It may seem that way
now,
but in time,
you'll thank me!
No way!
I'll never thank you!
Not in a million years!
You ungrateful brat!
You're
on a time-out!
Ohhh!
"Dear dad,
by the time you read this,
"I'll be halfway
to an undisclosed location
that may or may not
rhyme with fentucky."
I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you.
Love, ***.
This oughta do it.
Tommy!
Where do you think
you're goin'?
Dad said he didn't want me
seeing Mary anymore,
so I'm running away
from home!
You're what?
Yeah. And I'm
taking her with me!
Does Mary know
about this?
Not exactly.
That reminds me--
I forgot the blindfold
and the chloroform!
Come on, ***!
You can't run away!
Just stand up to the guy!
He's just your father!
Yeah, but fathers
are supposed to be
looked up to
and revered!
Plus, I don't want him
to give me the belt.
What planet have you
been living on
for the last 5 years?
Kids here don't revere
their parents.
They disrespect
the hell out of them!
Are you sure?
Yes. Trust me.
This is my area.
I know about
disrespecting fathers.
That's right.
You always make me
feel like crap.
See that?
Oh
gee, thanks, Tommy.
I don't know what
I'd do without you.
I probably don't say
this often enough,
but
I love you, son.
Shut up!
Jeez, you are good!
No, you are in 24-e,
Janice.
Ok? You go right on
down there.
Ok. And I'm right here.
Janice, you want
to sit here?
No! Her ticket
says 24-e,
and she will sit
in 24-e!
I'm gonna get
some programs.
I cannot believe that ***
got to be high commander.
Why couldn't I have been
the big giant head's son?
Yeah, well,
I don't have
a mother
or a father,
and I got a great
job on this mission.
Harry, you're
the freakin' radio!
Sure, pick
on the orphan.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, maybe he made ***
the high commander
because you're the best
security officer
there is.
Damn right I am.
I mean, who else but me
would be able to figure out
that Vicki is under
the bleachers right now
preparing
to vaporize Janice?
Mmm.
See? Yeah,
you're a natural.
I wish I was smart
enough to figure out
that Vicki's
down there
tryin'
to kill Janice.
Well, you're not
smart enough, my friend.
Yep. I wish I was.
I know you do,
sweetie, but
oh, my god!
Excuse me, pardon me,
excuse me!
Ah!
Hi, Janice.
[Whispering]
Alissa!
Alissa!
Hey, um, could you
pass this message
down to Alissa?
Tell her that I'm
sorry she was hurt,
but I never told my aunt
to break up with her
and that Sally will
never go near her again.
Ok? Pass that down.
[Whispering]
Hey, Alissa,
Tommy says
if you ever come
near him again,
his aunt Sally
will hurt you.
Tell Tommy
"screw you."
Alissa says
"screw you."
There you are!
Nice calves!
Bye-bye, pretty girl!
Don't even try it,
sister.
Oh, yeah? And who's
gonna stop me?
Me.
And this
this big unicorn
ice cube!
You melted my unicorn,
you ***!
Yeah. And you know what?
You're next!
Not so fast!
Huah! Huah! Huah!
Huah! Huah! Huah!
I am your queen,
and you will
bow to me!
Lower.
Sorry, master.
Lower!
Ican't--
lower!
Yeah, you can!
Hello, stone.
***.
You remember Mary
my lover.
Of course.
I just didn't expect
to see her here.
Oh, I wouldn't miss this
for the world.
Of course she wouldn't.
She's my lover!
Lighten up.
I really enjoyed talking
to you last night, stone.
I'm surprised
you even remember
the conversation.
You leave her alone,
you big bully!
***!
Well, he is.
You know,
he's so sweet!
Sweet? He wants me
to break up with you.
***!
What?
Yeah. He thinks you're
not good enough for me.
Oh, I don't think
he meant that.
Did you, stone?
Mary, I think
you're
a perfectly
good girlfriend
for, say
the beer delivery
guy.
Oh, stone! Ha ha ha!
Oh, that reminds me
of something
that nietzche once said.
What was it? Um
Du bist ein esel.
What?
You're an ***!
No, I'm serious.
I love your new hair color.
Really?
Hello, Vicki.
Harry.
I'm the one
you want, Vicki.
And you
can have me.
You mean it?
That's right!
It's lunchtime in the hot and nasty diner.
Today's special
Harry loaf!
That's it.
Aah!
Ha!
How dare you trick me
with your flesh!
Well, that's what
it's there for.
I'll take it
from here,
security officer.
Good work
radio.
Oh, Vicki,
look at you.
You're hurting me.
You've forgotten
what it's like
to be human!
I did it because
I love you, Harry.
Well, if you really
love me,
you'll just let me be
happy with Janice.
I'm so sorry.
OhVicki, what
happened to you?!
Well, you don't know
what it's like
livin'
up there with him!
I mean, at least on earth
I could fill the void
in my soul
with malt liquor
and Velveeta.
Can't we be friends,
Harry?
WellOk.
Ok!
Mmmyeah.
By the way,
Vicki,
friends don't
usually
cup each other's
butts
during emotionally
vulnerable moments
like this.
Oh, right.
Just for the future.
It makes sense!
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
"Principal greschner,
faculty,
"honored guests,
lunch ladies,
"weird old guy
in the raincoat
"what does it mean
to be valedictorian?
"For many, being first
in one's class
"is a distinction
that defines their futures.
But for me"
it means squat because
I don't have a girlfriend.
Oh, my god.
That's right, Alissa.
Being first in my class
pales in comparison
to being first
in your heart.
Sowhat I'll remember most
about my high school experience
is our time together
our long walks
after school,
doing homework
in the coffee house,
that day in the park
when it rained.
Oh, Tommy.
And, umI think
I'll remember most
that time that we fooled around
on your parents' bed
when they were
out of town.
Alissaplease
take me back.
Go to hell!
Long live rock!
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, sport.
I got Nothin'
to say to you.
What happened
to us?
Remember
the jazz club?
*** dooby dooby
dooby dooby Doo ♪
we were such pals!
That was before I found out
you were my father.
Well, how does
being family
change everything?
It just does!
How?
Well, if you don't know,
I'm not gonna tell you!
You don't know,
do you?
Why did you even
have me?
You were a mistake.
Butbut,
the greatest mistake
I ever made!
Really?
Oh, listen, son,
if that little ***
Mary Albright
makes you happy,
so be it!
You have my blessing!
You mean it?
Yes. I really think
she's a ***.
No. I mean about
your blessing!
Oh!
Right. You bet.
Thanks, dad.
Hey!
You wanna have
a catch?
Sure.
You know, it's funny.
Whenever the big
giant head left before,
I'd feel relieved.
But now that I know
he's my father,
I feel especially
relieved.
Well, it must
be nice to know
where you come
from.
Yeah, to find out
who your family is.
I already know
who my family is.
It's not some guy
who waltzes in
and calls
himself "father."
It's the people
I let into my life,
the people I trust
and love.
Whoa
I'd like to meet
those people!
They sure sound nice.
No, Harry,
I mean all of you.
No, I don't
think so.
Oh! Hey, by the way, ***,
what did you ever do
with that electric curler
demolecularizer
thingy?
Oh, don't worry.
It's safe.
Yeah, trust me.
It's somewhere where
no one
will ever find it.