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MALE SPEAKER 1: Come on, has he *** called yet, man?
JAH REZ: Hey, man look here, man.
He'll be here when he get here.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Yeah, but you were supposed to
make sure he's here.
JAH REZ: Look, I don't give a ***, it's not my
responsibility, man.
MALE SPEAKER 1: --standing around waiting for nothing.
JAH REZ: Hey, man, *** you.
I could do this show myself.
MALE SPEAKER 1: You want to do it yourself?
Maybe second season we'll do cooking with Jah Rez, but
right now it's--
JAH REZ: I know the recipes.
MALE SPEAKER 1: --*** Cooking with Coolio, you know?
JAH REZ: You don't know the recipes.
MAKE SPEAKER 2 (OFFSCREEN): He's finally here!
MALE SPEAKER 1: He's finally here?
COOLIO: Hey, what the ***, man?
What's all this madness?
Aren't you the *** director?
MALE SPEAKER 1: Yeah, we're--
COOLIO: Why don't you go direct something?
MALE SPEAKER 1: I'm directing, right here, OK?
COOLIO: ***, man.
Talk about ***.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Lights, please, lights.
Scene one, take one.
Let's go.
COOLIO: Yo, what's up.
Welcome to Coolio's cafe.
I am the Ghetto Gourmet.
And this my AC Jah Rez.
You know what I'm saying?
And these are Sauce Girls.
Today I'm about to teach your *** how to cook.
Are you ready.
Shaka!
Have you ever been like late?
JAH REZ: Late?
COOLIO: And you had to make something real quick?
JAH REZ: Quick.
COOLIO: And your girlfriend is like one of them setting
salad-eating ***?
JAH REZ: Salad-eating ***.
COOLIO: Tell you what.
I'm gonna teach you to make a salad that'll get them
*** right off.
This is called Coolio's Caprese Salad.
Here's the ingredients.
Basil.
JAH REZ: Basil.
COOLIO: Balsamic vinegar.
JAH REZ: Balsamic vinegar.
COOLIO: Olive oil.
JAH REZ: Olive oil.
COOLIO: Mozzarella.
JAH REZ: Mozzarella.
COOLIO: Tomatoes.
JAH REZ: Tomatoes.
COOLIO: And onion.
And the special seasonings.
Don't forget about that.
JAH REZ: Nuh-uh.
COOLIO: Oh yeah.
JAH REZ: Yeah.
COOLIO: Special seasonings.
JAH REZ: It's in your face.
COOLIO: We're going to do this healthy, and we
gonna do this right.
It's time to cook, ***.
I will for purposes of this show chop this tomato, just so
you can see that I know how use my knife.
See I'm pretty good with this knife, and I'm pretty good
with a sword, nun chucks, and a pistol.
And I like my tomato really thin.
And a large tomato will probably make about-- one,
two, three, four, five six, eight--
eight to nine slices.
And you chop it just like that.
And what I'm go to do is I'm gonna get that tomato all in
the center like that.
I'm going to take that onion.
JAH REZ: Yeah.
COOLIO: That AC Jah Rez just chopped.
JAH REZ: Uh huh.
COOLIO: And I'm just ah, socka.
Ah, socka.
You know what I'm saying?
Liberally, liberally.
Get your *** over here with that mozzarella, man.
JAH REZ: Here we go.
COOLIO: What you doing?
Damn.
Jah Rez is going to show you how to position that.
It's all about presentation, baby.
Remember, look good, taste good, smell good, is good.
Shaka Zulu!
Let me get back in there.
JAH REZ: All right, all right.
COOLIO: Now what you want to do next is you want to take a
little salt.
You know what I'm saying?
This is my little salt bag.
Put a little of that in your hand.
That's about a pinch and a half.
So you just pinch, pinch.
That would be too much, so we gonna dust that and sink that.
OK, now a litlte pepper.
Get that around there.
Now, here we go.
You take a little of this here olive oil.
And you drizzle it around.
Now you don't want to get too much oil on it, because oily
salad ain't ***.
How about that?
And then you get your balsamic.
What I'm doing with this balsamic is I'm filling in
those empty spaces.
And what's that for?
JAH REZ: What's that for?
COOLIO: Presentation, baby.
Make it look-- look good, smell good,
taste good, is good.
That's right.
JAH REZ: Step your game up.
COOLIO: Everybody don't like basil.
But I like it because it's green you know.
Red, white, and green, you know, colors
of the Mexican flag.
It just make it look good.
Now all your basil's on top of the tomato, and there you go.
We've got one more special ingredient.
This is the secret.
Now if you want to know what this is, you got to go to
mydamnchannel.com to find out.
JAH REZ: Uh, yeah.
COOLIO: Because I can't tell you everything.
I'm already giving you my secrets.
Just a little bit of that.
What is that?
Haha, I bet you wish you knew.
And you just--
ah, socka!
Look at that.
That look better than your momma ***.
No divots, no dips, and no wrinkles.
Oooh wee!
Coolio Caprese Salad, baby.
I love it.
Ya'll know what time it is, right?
Bring your *** to the table.
Let's do this.
Now what you want to do, you want to get a little basil, a
little onion, a little tomato, and you want all those flavors
to coagulate in your mouth.
You use your own fork, because I don't know
where your mouth been.
Mmmm.
SAUCE GIRLS: Mmmm.
JAH REZ: Mmmm.
COOLIO: Taste better than your momma.
Ahh!
Shaka Zulu, ***!
Mmhmm.
You cooking with Coolio.
This is Coolio's Cafe.
JAH REZ: Cafe.
COOLIO: These are the Sauce Girls.
JAH REZ: Girls.
COOLIO: And that's my AC Jah Rez.
It's the Ghetto Gourmet, baby.
See you next time.
The person that sends in the best video response to this
episode gets this autographed Coolio bell pepper.
And I tell you what to do with it later.
My Damn Channel, Coolio's Cafe, the Ghetto Gourmet, this
is my AC Jah Rez.
Shaka Zulu, ***!
[LAUGHTER]