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*beep*
[Computer:] New mission alert.
The RGC 1 has been specially requested
for a special mission on the planet Terra Bliss.
[Hamilton:] Is it just me,
or is there something suspicious about how many times she said "special?"
[Jay:] You know what I hear when I hear "special mission?"
[Hamilton:] Sexy mission? [Jay:] Sexy mission.
[Jay:] Whoa. Magic.
[Elder 1:] Jay, you have been selected by our council for a most special honor.
[Elder 2:] For five days, you will have free reign of our bountiful lands.
[Elder 3:] All the most beautiful big *** hoes,
finest libations, and burritos!
[Elder 4:] But after five days...
[Jay:] I accept.
[Elder 1:] But wait, I mean, you should probably hear the rest before you j-
[Jay:] Nah, I accept. I don't care! Let's get this party started!
[Elder 2:] Really though, we think you should hear what happens at the end -
[Jay:] Dammit, I said I accept!
Now show me where the *** room is before I lose my ***!
Yes, I have a ***.
It's shrouded in darkness.
[Elder 1:] Very well then.
[Jay:] Oh my god!
[Hamilton:] Dude! Your *** is gone!
[Jay:] Thanks, Co-Captain Obvious.
[Hamilton:] What the hell is that?
[Jay:] I have a tracking chip in my ***.
[Hamilton:] Okay, why the hell would you put a tracking device in your ***?
[Jay:] Hamilton? Take a second.
Look at my crotch.
Think about what you just said.
[Hamilton:] Touché.
[Jay:] Tonight, we stand up for what we believe in.
The belief that every man should have his junk attached to his body.
Some of us might not make it out alive.
But the legend of my johnson will live on in stories!
Told to children, on dark nights!
Ham, go get the ship. Girls. Let's go save my ***.
[Jay:] Stop! That's my pee-pee.
We do things together. Fun things.
[Elder 1:] You made a sacred oath.
And if your *** is not sacrificed to the *** gods,
then our planet will explode, like a celestial nut-bust!
Blowing its load across the solar system!
[Elder 2:] Also, we already made all these commemorative statues of your ***.
They were really expensive.
[Jay:] Nnice.
No.
[Jay:] Ham! I got Little Jay. Beam us up!
[Elder 4:] You, sir, are a charlatan and a scoundrel.
I will enjoy watching you die-
Crap.
[Jay:] The eagle has landed.
In my pants.
Here, I brought you a present.
[Hamilton:] I'll call him "Bronze Johnson."