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It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a
Fam ily Guy!
Family Guy 10x11
The Blind Side
Original Air Date on January 15, 2012
Stewie, what are
you doing?
Oh, just doing a
little tai chi.
You know how the Asians
look 30 until they're 60?
This is why.
Of course, then they
suddenly look 100,
but cross that
bridge, you know?
Is this a Japanese thing?
No, Chinese.
The Japanese have a whole
other thing going on.
Hey, you want to see a movie?
No, we're Japanese, let's watch
a schoolgirl *** an octopus.
Yeah!
Suction cup feel good!
And of course the most
important part of any workout
is a proper cool
down and a stretch.
What? What is it?
I got a splinter!
Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it?!
Oh, he's just
got a splinter.
Oh, my poor baby.
It's 'cause these old stairs
are just falling apart.
It's not just the stairs.
Meg has spent two days
pinned under a roof beam.
Let's just focus
on the stairs, Brian.
Morning, Opie.
Hey, what's going on?
You going somewhere?
You got fired? Why?!
Oh, well, it's no wonder
they finally caught you
doing that in here.
I mean, the underside
of your desk
looks like Carlsbad Caverns.
Griffin, say hello
to Opie's replacement, Stella.
Nice to meet you.
W-What is this?
We doing a new
secret handshake now?
No, Griffin, she's deaf.
Oh.
Can she
read lips?
Yes, I can.
So if I do this, I can talk
about what a sweet rack she has?
Yes, but try not to make
a ***-honking gesture
with your other hand
while you're saying it.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm used to people being
a little uncomfortable
with me at first.
If you have any questions,
feel free to ask.
Yeah, actually, I do.
Are your other senses better
on account of you can't hear?
Like, can you smell my farts
before they even come out?
'Cause I got one
in the pocket right now,
and I want to know if I need
to feel self-conscious about it.
I can't smell it, no.
I might be able
to see it, though.
A lot of people make small
movements when they fart.
They twitch their
eye or something.
Oh, like subtle
giveaways, huh?
All right, well, t-tell me
if you can see when it happens.
You just farted.
Oh, my God,
you saw that?!
You can see all my tiny,
subtle movements?
You just did it again.
Well, this is
gonna be a delight!
I don't know
why Lois always said
she had problems
with female coworkers.
So Abby, Elaine and Janet have
their little lunch clique,
and of course
I'm not invited.
Seems like
you're doing everything
and they're doing nothing.
Well, I don't know,
but what I do know is
that in the staff meeting,
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Christina said my inventory
system wasn't feasible.
She's obviously
threatened by you.
But when the associate sales
manager came back in the room
It's ridiculous,
and I support you fully.
she told him the idea
as if it was hers
You can't let them
get to you.
They're jealous
of what you have.
It's nothing to do with you,
and everything to do with them.
Only you can
prevent forest fires.
Hey, Peter, you ready
to go to the Clam?
Whoa, who's the hot chick?
Oh, that's Stella.
You don't have to whisper;
she's deaf.
Really?
Oh, my God, that's hot.
I didn't know you had
a thing for deaf chicks.
Any kind of disabled
chick, Peter.
They can do
things to you
that regular chicks
don't even think of.
Besides, you know me.
I'm into a lot of
different stuff.
What, did you hear something?
No, it's all good.
All right.
You know, Chris,
a little friendly advice.
Uh, you're gonna
start dating soon;
probably good
to get in the habit
of chewing
with your mouth closed.
Doesn't bother me, I'm just--
you know, one friend to another.
Oh, what, you got
a problem with me?
You think I'm gross?
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Yeah.
This is what you are
and this is what I am.
Peter, hurry up!
You're missing dinner.
Lois, what the hell?!
Oh, my God, Peter,
are you okay?!
What the hell happened
to the stairs?!
They're all
slippery now!
I had them replaced,
remember?
The old ones were so rough,
and Stewie got that splinter,
so I thought replacing
the wood was the best way to go.
When'd you do that?!
The other day, when you spent
all that time at the drugstore.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't figure out
if that Hispanic lady
worked there or not.
Um excuse me.
Excuse me.
Boy, I wonder where the
shampoos are around here.
I said, "I wonder where the
shampoos are around here.
"
Oh, for God's sake,
I almost thought
you were a
regular person.
Where's the shampoo?!
What the hell?
Hey, guys,
all the action's over here!
Quagmire, what
is all this?
Peter's new coworker
gave me an idea.
Welcome to
Disabled Ladies Night.
Mine are made
from teak.
What are yours
made from?
Yeah, mine are actually just
pressboard with wood veneer.
I can't get wet.
Oh.
I think I
see my friends.
Hey, uh, you guys
enjoy the carnival.
I'm gonna get
a drink at the bar.
Hey, uh, anyone
sitting here?
No, go ahead.
Thanks.
Hey, would you like
to go out sometime?
Wow, that was fast.
Yeah, well, you know, I read
somewhere that women decide
within the first seven seconds
if they're interested in you
or not, so I figured I
wouldn't waste anybody's time.
Fair enough.
Sure, let's go out.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like you said,
I've already decided.
I'm Kate.
I'm Brian.
Hey, uh, you want
to go outside?
Maybe a little
quieter.
Sure.
Oh, my God, I
Hey, check out Brian
with the blind chick.
Hey, don't worry, Brian,
you're still doing
better than Quagmire.
He got a ***.
Ha!
No, no, but she is
a ***.
Listen, you know, we can do
something else if you want.
Why? I'm having a good time.
Well, I mean, I
just don't know
how much fun it is for a blind
person to go to the movies.
Brian, blind people
go to the movies all the time.
We just listen.
I might be blind, but my brain
has been trained to listen
to any movie and know exactly
what's happening on screen.
Like, I loved Titanic.
I'm the king of the world!
So you sure you don't
need me to come in?
Maybe show you
to your bed.
Pretty sure I can
find it, thanks.
Maybe next time I'll
have trouble, though.
You might have to help
me find it next time.
So there's a next time.
Definitely.
Great.
Well, all right, good night.
Ugh! Our stupid
neighbor's dog barks 24/7.
God, I hate dogs.
Y-You do?
Yeah, they're just slobbery,
annoying, needy little ***.
I'm just not really a
dog person, I guess.
Oh.
Uh, yeah, me neither.
Dog people can get
pretty annoying.
Wow, this is
a nice apartment you have.
Is this your dog?
Yes.
Isn't he the cutest
little cutie wutie?
Look how cute he is.
Yes, he's very cute.
Yes, he's cute.
Yes, he's cute,
cute, cute, cute.
Look at him.
Look
at him.
Look at him.
Okay.
Look at it! Look at
that face! Come on!
Look at that face!
You look at him!
Look at that
face!
Hey, guys, this is
driving me nuts.
Was one of the dwarves
named Snappy?
Kind of well dressed?
Or am I-I just making that up?
Oh, my God, Dad!
Dad, are you okay?!
Damn it, I hate
these new stairs!
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll just--
I'm-I'm just gonna
lie here until the
pain goes away.
What are you
guys watching?
We now return to
the first time travel movie
with a perfectly functioning
time machine.
All right, if I'm correct,
this should land us
in six million B.
C.
Quick!
Get us out of here!
Boy, that was close.
Oh, my God,
where's Frank?!
I'm over here.
Oh, okay.
Brian, if I ever
take up roller derby,
what do you think
my name should be?
Bruisin' B.
Anthony,
Alicia *** or Quahag?
How about Harlot O'Scara?
Aw, you ***,
that's genius.
How'd your date go?
Aw, went great.
We had an awesome time.
She's really smart,
really funny.
Cute?
Yeah, hot, actually.
I don't know
how she does it,
but she dresses really well
for a blind girl.
I mean, like,
her body is just
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
Don't "what" me.
You just said
she's blind.
You just said it.
You totally
buried the lead.
Yeah, well, it's not
that important.
So what if she can't see?
She's amazing
in every other way.
Okay, if you say so.
Hey, does she have really
weird, messed-up eyes?
No, her eyes are normal.
They're beautiful, actually.
Bet they're not.
Bet they look like bowls of milk.
Shut up.
You sure she isn't
just using you?
Seeing-eye dogs are expensive;
she may just be trying
to get one for free.
No, actually, she doesn't
want a seeing-eye dog.
She hates dogs.
What?
She doesn't like dogs.
She's just not a dog person.
What? Does she not
know you're a dog?
How is that possible?
Well, we-we haven't
done anything yet.
So I'm-I'm just gonna, I'm just
gonna avoid touching her
until a little more time
has passed.
And by the time I tell her,
I'll have impressed her so much
that the dog thing
won't even matter.
Yeah, well, good
luck with that.
You know, I like
your delusion, Brian.
Most people would say,
"I lost, I give up,"
but you, you just
keep trying.
You're like the
Dominican Republic.
Always killing the guy
in charge and saying,
"Oh, this new guy, this new
guy's gonna get it right.
"
Well, that's just because
I have confidence
that I'll find happiness.
Hey, anything's
possible, right?
I mean, I once
found the Batcave.
Look, you can't expect
to hire 60 workers
to dig a cave under your house
and then keep it a secret.
I mean, those men
live in this town.
Yeah, but I told them it was
part of a geological survey.
Batman, Batman.
They built a lazy Susan
for your nuclear car.
That's something they consider
conversation-worthy.
Gosh, this has been
an amazing week, Brian.
I still can't believe
you beat up
that guy
who tried to mug us.
That was a great dinner.
Yeah, I really liked that
salmon you recommended.
Yes.
May I help
you gentlemen?
"Hey, you're in a
tough part of town.
Now, give me your
purse, doll face.
"
Hey, you get your
hands off that!
I don't care how many
of you there are--
you're not taking
this purse!
"Ah, the hell we aren't.
Let's get him, boys!"
Brian?
Stay right there, Kate.
I'll handle this.
Yeah, you like
that, huh?
"Ooh! This
guy's tough!"
"No fair.
He
knows karate.
Usually, handsome guys ain't
so good with their fists.
"
And stay away from
my girlfriend.
Brian, I know
karate, too.
I can help you.
"You stay out
of this, lady!"
I got one!
I think I got one!
Yeah, yeah, but I-I
got the other four.
They're-they're
gone now.
They're gone.
Well, they took the
gift I had for you,
but at least
you're okay.
And that trip
to the Eiffel Tower
was just amazing.
Are we almost
at the top?
Yeah, just a
few more steps.
Here we are.
Ah, the winds of Paris.
Isn't that what they say?
Oh, that breeze
is gorgeous.
And I think I smell
croissants?
Do you?
You have an amazing
sense of smell.
Oh, there it is.
There's what?
Oh, nothing.
Just the, uh,
Goodyear blimp.
It says, "I love you,
Kate," all in lights.
Here in Paris?
Yeah, it's it's here for
Wimbledon or something.
Oh, my God.
That's the most
romantic thing
anybody's ever
done for me.
Well, get used to it.
You're going to be
hearing a lot of things
I've done for you.
We now return to True Blood.
Hi.
I'm a nude vampire.
Hi.
I'm a nude werewolf.
And that's the show!
Peter, come downstairs.
That gay show you like is on.
Coming!
Damn it!
Oh, my God, Peter.
Are you okay?
No, I am not okay!
Nothing about this
is okay!
You just need
to be more careful
coming down the stairs.
That's all.
Easy for you to say.
This is stressing
the crap out of me.
Like when we had that
easily startled wallpaper.
Aah!
Well, it's getting late.
I should probably go.
Brian, this is like
our sixth date.
I'm beginning to feel
like you're not
attracted to me
or something.
No, I Oh,
my God, I'm
I'm so attracted
to you.
I
So why haven't we
done anything about it?
I-I just you
know, sometimes
taking things
slower is better.
Just ask any sloth.
Hey, is sometimes
taking things slower better?
Yeah.
I just I like
you a lot, and I
I don't want to
ruin anything
by moving too
fast, you know?
'Cause sometimes,
when you
Brian, you never told me
you had a beard.
I love beards.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, hey, I'm bearding
it up over here.
Hey, Brian, would you be cool
with meeting my parents?
They're in town
this weekend,
and I thought we
could all have dinner.
Uh sure.
Are they are they
driving themselves?
If you're asking
if they can see, yes.
And since you can see
why don't you tell me
how these look?
Uh they look
pretty damn great.
Then why don't you
tell me how they feel?
Uh, next time.
Some things are
worth waiting for.
Wow.
You're really
a true gentleman.
Yep, not too
many of us left.
Stewie,
I need your help.
What? What is it?
I have a crisis situation here.
Kate wants me
to meet her parents.
Hey, guys.
Just gonna
gonna take this.
Thank you.
What the hell
am I going to do?
All right, all right,
just calm down.
Calm down?
We're all supposed to have
dinner tomorrow night,
and her parents
are going to see that I'm a dog.
Don't worry, Brian.
I'll come up
with something.
Remember, I'm the
guy who came up
with the choreography
to Showgirls.
Okay, stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Elizabeth, darling,
too much hands, not enough hips.
Can I just show you?
One, two, three, four.
I'm dancing from my ***.
One, two, three, four.
I'm grinding, I'm grinding.
*** eyes, *** eyes.
And we're done.
You do 20% that,
and we got a movie.
Peter, what
is all this?
Oh, hi, Lois.
I live upstairs now.
What?
That's right.
I made a nest
of my old underwears
on which
to lay my eggs,
and I shall raise my young
in this room alone.
Peter, you're being an idiot.
Oh, really?
Would an idiot
have been able
to rig this rig
to that rig?
Peter, that's nothing.
Oh, is it?
I died! I died!
Oh, hi.
You must be Kate.
I'm Brian's nurse.
He's had a little accident,
I'm afraid.
Oh, my God, Brian!
Are you okay?
Ah, don't worry.
I'm fine.
I'm just sort of
bandaged up right now.
You must be Kate's parents.
It's so nice
to meet you.
Well, it's lovely
to meet you, too.
So what happened?
What happened is this one's
a hero, is what happened.
Rescued two children
from a burning building.
Can you imagine?
Not quite in time-- they
were both horribly burned.
Have that sort of
crème brûlée face
going on now, but he
saved their lives.
Oh, my, Brian.
I know, right?
So noble.
Plus he's the only
one of my patients
to never ask me
for hand work.
Such a gentleman.
Never even
tried anything
when I'm giving
him a sponge bath.
And I'm very
thorough.
I will wash the
abdominals.
Not all nurses
do, but I do.
And yes, sometimes
I graze it,
but you know what?
I'm a healthcare
professional.
It's what I do.
It's my work.
It's important
to me,
and this one
respects that.
And I'm very
grateful.
Why are you here again?
Oh, my God!
I am so, so sorry.
Uh, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
What's that smell?
It smells like
wet dog in here.
That is the the
smell of backed up,
unreleased
genital essence.
As I said, he's been
an amazing gentleman.
Well, I'd like
to propose a toast.
To Brian and Kate.
I know we just met,
but you seem
like you're really good
for our daughter.
And risking your
life for those kids?
You're a good
guy, Brian.
A really good guy.
Wow.
Thanks.
What's that
thumping noise?
- It's your tail.
- Stop wagging your tail.
I can't help it.
Do something.
Oh oh, damn it.
I meant hold it,
not cut it off.
You weren't specific.
I've never done
this before.
Are you okay, Brian?
Yeah, I'm just so happy
to meet you both.
What the hell
are you
I'm cauterizing your tail.
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
Brian?
What's going on
over there?
I think
they burned our dinner.
Oh, God, it hurts.
It hurts, Stewie.
Here's a little
morphine.
What the hell? You're not
gonna stick me with that thing.
I don't think
that's a real nurse.
Just hold still.
Pretend you're at the vet.
Vet?
I hate the vet!
There's a dog
in here!
Yes! Okay?
There's a dog in here.
I'm a dog!
I'm so sorry, Kate.
I-I know you hate
dogs, and I
I wanted to tell you--
I-I really did--
but I-I just thought
I thought, if we got to know
each other better first,
you would eventually
be able to see past it.
"See.
"
And I I just I
really care about you,
and I really want this
to work, and I'm
I'm so sorry I didn't
tell you before.
Can you ever forgive me?
Do you think that you
can still be with me?
You know what, Brian?
I could have gotten over
the fact that you're a dog,
because I really do
care about you
and I feel like we had
a connection,
but I can't get over the fact
that you lied to me.
You screwed up, Brian.
And now you're
going to have to watch me
walk out that door.
Well, it sounds
like I'm needed outside.
Mom, what were
all those carpenters
doing here today?
Putting back our old
crappy stairs, Meg.
I didn't have a choice.
Yay! I love my old stairs!
Uh-oh,
I forgot to cut Joe down.
Joe, what are you
doing up there?
Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie.
Come join me.
There's a gun in
my nightstand.
Brian, I know
you're upset
about what happened with
Kate and everything,
but I did have
one more thought.
Yeah, what's that?
Well, since Kate is blind,
you could probably just
do a different voice
and go out with her
all over again.
Hey.
Are you Kate?
Yes.
- Hey, it's Noah from JDate.
- Oh, my God! Hi!