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Y’all, I thought that Buzzfeed video was parody for a clean 15 minutes after I watched it.
Hey YouTube World! It's me, Evelyn.
So Buzzfeed recently published a video titled "27 Questions Black People Have For Black People.
And it was about 2 minutes and some odd seconds of like, microagressions. Just
like, the every day little things people do to like, question our humanity, you know what
I'm saying, without picking up a book and reading for context. Like, what is context?
Some of them were flat out wrong, like Black people always needing a discount. First of
all, who you know wants to pay full price? 'Cause I'm pretty sure hell hath no fury than
a middle aged white woman with a coupon book this big in Walmart.
And then some of them were just foolish.
[Kenyan accent] Ati, if my dab is on fleek, am I lit?
First of all, probably! If your dab is so good, you're probably lit! Like don't act
like you don't know the answer to that question?
But I think the worst part is the overwhelming majority of those questions
could have been answered with a smooth Google, like an AskJeeves, a Lycos.
You know they just Ben Carson-ed their way through that video, so I feel like I can brainstorm
I can think of a few more questions that fit perfectly.
[whoosh]
Why are there HBCUs? Can you imagine, if there was like, a college and only white people
could attend? Racist!
Why can't somebody touch our hair? They asked nicely. They put hand sanitizer on. I know
you’re in the checkout line at Target but still, you gotta be open sometimes.
How come Black Twitter is a thing? Like, if there was a White Twitter? You’d be peeved!
Why do Black people laugh so loud? Like, how dare your outwardly expression of joy bounce
off my ear drums? What do you even have to be happy about? You’re Black.
Why do we put hot sauce on everything? Like, are these three microcrystrals of pink himalayan
salt not enough for you?
Seriously, why do Black people refuse to tip it’s not like waiters preempt your lack
of tip, and then give you bad service, causing you not to tip. That scenario literally never
happens.
Why are black people so lazy? Like, slavery is over. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,
you know what I mean, and network!
Why are Black People so lazy? Like, they ask to be introduced to people and invited to
things, like, other races don't need to network. Like, they just pull themselves up by their bootstraps
and make moves!
[whoosh]
That was only 7 questions. I tried thinking of 10, but I almost gagged like my uvula is
like, sensitive to the bullshi--
All in all, Buzzfeed’s video was trash because most of the questions were just stereotypes
steeped in the U.S. history of slavery and white supremacy. Why do Black people watermelon?
I’m pretty sure we didn’t write and direct these films.
Sidenote: ever since Kid Fury said watermelon tasted like cold spit? Stopped cold turkey.
In the comments below, let me know what you thought of the video. It's okay if you disagree
with me, mkay? Just don’t call nobody out their name and there won’t be none. K?
See you on the Internet somewhere - bye!