Ricky Gervais on The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards with Subs

Oh, so, where was I? Nervous? Don't be. This isn't about you. Right. Hello. I'm Ricky Gervais. And welcome to the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles. Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian hosting the world's second biggest awards show on America's third biggest network. It's fourth. It's fourth. For any of you that don't know, the Golden Globes are just like The Oscars but without all that esteem. The Golden Globes are to The Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton actually. What? A bit louder. A bit trashier. A bit drunker. And more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved. But who needs The Oscars? Not me. I'm not Eddie Murphy. He walked out on them. He said no and good for him. But when the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble. I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up, doesn't he? Versatile. He's versatile. No, he is. A bit of trivia for you actually. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, between them, played all the parts in the movie "The Help." Isn't that brilliant? They were brilliant. I can't believe they're not here. Or maybe they are. They're masters of disguise. They could be. Now, the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me back next year as well. They actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real. Okay? No profanity. That's fine. I've got huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that's a shame because I've got a huge-- Vocabulary. But a tiny ***. True. It doesn't matter. It works. Don't worry about it. It's fine. No innuendo. I'm not to lie about anyone. And I mustn't mention Mel Gibson. His private life, his politics, recent films and especially not Jodie Foster's "Beaver". I haven't seen it myself. I have spoken to a lot of guys here. They haven't seen it either, but that doesn't mean it's not any good. Sorry. I don't care. It's been an amazing year in show business. It's not all been good news. What's with all the divorces? What's going on? I mean, Arnold and Maria, J.Lo and Marc Anthony, Ashton Demi, Kim Kardashian and someone I don't remember. He wasn't around long. 72 days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Eron acceptance speeches than that. Other celebrity scandal? Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No. He's not the father. The only way that he could have impregnated a girl was if he bothered one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters. Open wide. It's been a big year for women in film. "Bridesmaids," one of my favorite comedies of the year, yeah. The girls finally proved that they can be as raunchy as the men. Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I actually heard that the cast spent a week with dame Helen Mirren. She's dreadful, honestly. You don't see it because she's got good PR, but she's off the rails. But the Golden Globes aren't just about movies. It also celebrating the best in TV as well. New shows like the amazing "Homeland" which is just-- it's amazing. And returning shows like "Boardwalk Empire." I love that show. It's great. It's about a load of immigrants who came to America about a hundred years ago and they got involved in bribery and corruption and they work their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press. I'm joking. I love them. And they're good sports for inviting me back. They do an awful lot for charity and they're nonprofit organization just like NBC. Should we get on with it? This time last year our first presenter was the biggest movie star on the planet. His film "The Tourist" causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show "Life's Too Short" which premieres on HBO on February 19th. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp. I want to ask you a question. It's real. Just checking. Yeah. And be honest. What? Are you on recreational drugs? I'm joking. That's not the question. We all know the answer. Ready? I guess so. Have you seen "The Tourist" yet? Have you? No. Oh, boy, he's fun.