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Gregory Dawson: I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes
who was hit by two cars.
The first car threw him into the path of the second car.
The unemployment crisis has worsened in recent months with little sign of recovery.
Should the nation's millions of unemployed spring for a new Apple computer,
given that it might assist them in a job search?
David Barrodale: Absolutely they should. Jason Copeland: The timing is right.
David Barrodale: Of course, it's expensive, but the unemployed need a Mac
to stay on top of job listings, update their cover letter.
Jason Copeland: And Macs come with iMovie, so they can edit together
a neat little video résumé which is [cross-talking] --
Duncan Birch: Guys, guys, I'm really sorry. I forgot to bring the cups today.
I didn't know we'd be drinking the Apple Kool-Aid here.
Jason Copeland: Well, here we go. Duncan Birch: I think cash-strapped
Americans don't need to spend an extra $800 for a stupid little glowing Apple logo
on their computer because that's all you're getting.
Lauralee Hickock: Wait, I don't understand why an unemployed person needs
a new computer at all. Did their old ones stop working?
David Barrodale: Well, no, Lauralee, but you know, it's important to stay
on top of the latest hardware. Jason Copeland: Right. And plus,
you know, if they get a MacBook Pro, they could use it to learn graphic design.
David Barrodale: Exactly [cross-talking] --
Jason Copeland: Which is, like, I mean they can pick up freelance graphic design
work while they're waiting for a new full-time [cross-talking] --
Gregory Dawson: Yes, I need to teach myself graphic design.
I keep telling myself I'm going to do it, but you know, I never do.
Duncan Birch: But why spend thousands, why are we spending thousands
on a tiny toy, which is all it is, when you can go down to Best Buy
and for $400, you get a Toshiba?
Lauralee Hickock: I still don't understand why the unemployed don't use
the computer that they have out in their garage.
Like mine, I go out there, I turn it on, and there in the folder marked "Recipes"
are my recipes.
David Barrodale: But Lauralee, if yo want to work in a creative field, you need a Mac.
Jason Copeland: A Mac is THE tool for creative professionals.
When I go into a café and I see somebody using a Dell computer --
David Barrodale: Oh! Jason Copeland: I turn the other way.
I'm, like, what, is he working on his manifesto?
Duncan Birch: Oh yes, Mr. Jobs, whatever you say, Mr. Jobs.
Gregory Dawson: And Apple, may I remind you, is not the only corporation
that's vital to the needs of the unemployed at this difficult time.
Netflix, Starbucks. Jason Copeland: You need a Starbucks boost
when you're spending all day filling out your LinkedIn profile.
Lauralee Hickock: Are we still talking about computers?
Because aren't there Kinko's on every single corner --
Jason Copeland: Kinko's, what are we? I mean --
Lauralee Hickock: -- where you can use their computers if you really need to?
Jason Copeland: Look, the fact is that Americans should be supporting innovation.
That's what drives the economy, spending.
Lauralee Hickock: But wasn't the recent financial crisis caused by
a liquidity shortfall of just this kind of overspending?
I mean didn't the subprime mortgage fiasco teach us that if we --
David Braddock: Lauralee, shut up! You don't know anything, okay?
You can't participate in this conversation because you don't know the specifics
of what we're talking about! Your opinion is not valid!
It doesn't matter! Jason Copeland: David has a point, Lauralee.
I mean you really just don’t seem to understand anything that we're discussing.
Gregory Dawson: Lauralee, you can go.
I'm serious. You should go.
Lauralee Hickock: Okay.
Female Speaker: Oprah shocked her studio audience today by revealing a second Oprah.
Stay tuned to the Onion News Network for more on that story.