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Yes! Yes! Good, good.
Come on, come on! Yes!
( chanting ):
Defense!
Defense!
Defense!
No!
Offense! Offense!
Offense!
Hey, Dave, I need
to talk to you.
It's important.
No, sweetie,
this game is important, okay?
You don't know understand this
because you're a girl,
but the Knicks
are depending on me.
If I don't hold my breath
during this free throw,
he might not make it.
Missed the shot!
See, you were talking,
and he missed the shot.
Did you open a new credit card
without telling me?
Honey, after 17 years,
I don't even take off my pants
without telling you.
Well, you got to call the credit
card company right away,
because if you didn't open it,
and I didn't open it,
then it could be identity theft.
Yeah, right, like anyone
would want my identity.
Yes!
Rejection! In your face!
Daddy, will you take me
to practice driving now?
No! Rejection! In your face!
But you promised.
Ah, let that be a little
life lesson to you, sweetie.
Men break their promises,
so stay away from them,
all of them, especially me
when I'm watching the game.
Get out of here.
Dave, come on.
You remember when you were 16
how important
getting your license was.
It was all that mattered.
Come on, this is
a big deal to her,
so please, could you take her?
If it's so important,
why don't you take her driving?
What are you, crazy?
I'm not getting
in a car with her.
Hey, Mom, Kenny
just got his welcome kit
from Shakespeare
Drama Camp.
( with English accent ):
Where art mine?
Did it cometh yet?
No, not yet.
You don't think
there's a problem, do you?
'Cause just on the basis
of my audition tape alone
they ought to let me in.
That and the fact
they let everyone in.
It'll get here.
( chuckling ):
You worry too much,
you nut job.
( laughing )
What?
Yeah, you didn't send that
application in, did you?
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
You had the same look
on your face
when I asked you
if you had remembered
to take
your birth control pill.
Okay, fine, I forgot.
Crap! If I don't get Larry
into that Shakespeare camp,
he's going to hate me.
You know what?
I'll get it in tomorrow.
Maybe there's a spot open
or there's a cancellation.
I got to get on this right away.
Yeah, God forbid my kid
missed Shakespeare camp
this summer.
Who are all the other dads
going to make fun of?
No, no, miss,
you're not understanding me.
I never applied
for this credit card.
( whistle blows on TV )
Oh, you suck!
No, no, sorry, not you.
Yeah.
Although, you did keep me
waiting on hold for 15 minutes.
No, miss, miss, listen to me.
I never charged a thousand
dollars for, uh
What the hell is I.
N.
E.
?
An online
gambling site?
Let me call you
right back.
You want to tell me
what the hell this is?
Okay, um I mailed in
a pre-approved
credit card application
in your name
and used it to sign up
for an online poker site.
DAVE:
Ah-ah!
How much you want to
bet I'm gonna kick
your *** right now?
Why would you do
something like that?!
Because if I'd stolen
a credit card from your wallet,
I wouldn't have gotten
the free football phone.
What the hell is
the matter with you?
Why would you even
think about gambling
in the first place?
Oh, I don't know, um
How much you got riding
on this Knicks game, Dad?
Three bills.
The gas bill,
the phone bill,
and the power bill.
Nothing! I don't
gamble, okay?
And neither should
you, all right?
Aside from the fact that
it's illegal at your age,
you know, it could turn
into a terrible addiction.
You know my cousin Salty?
Yeah, he gambled
everything away,
and now he sleeps in a car.
Not his car, just any
car that's unlocked.
All right, Dad, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
You're gonna be
even sorrier when
I'm done with you.
How are you going to pay
back a thousand dollars?
Well, I'm up 4200 bucks.
I guess I can use some of that.
Well, I guess we found
something he's good at
besides lying and stealing.
So are you going to punish me?
Yeah, I'm gonna
punish you.
Go to your room
and don't come back
until you've
doubled my money.
Excuse me?
Yeah, we're partners now.
We're splitting everything
Now, leave me alone,
so I can watch the game.
Hey, babe.
What did
the credit card company say?
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
What does that mean?
Now I am worried.
Honey, honey, it's fine, okay?
Everything is under control,
I got everything
Will you just tell me
what happened?
Turned out it was a mistake,
but, uh, Punjambi,
the fellow that I spoke to,
said that the weather was
fantastic in New Delhi today.
Honey, it's fine,
you know?
And I would really love
to talk to you about it,
but I promised my daughter
I would take her driving.
( laughing giddily ):
Really?
It was a toss-up.
I mean, tell Vicky
I'm letting Mike gamble
or get in a car with Hillary.
Either way, I'm probably dead.
DAVE:
All right,
not too fast, okay?
Keep your eyes on the road.
Good.
All right, let's go home.
( chuckling ):
I've only been driving,
like, five minutes.
Well, it seems
like a lot longer
When your entire life
flashes in front of your eyes.
Will you slow down?!
Oh, my God.
There's Max!
Hey, Max! You still walk?
What a loser!
Will you watch out?!
You're all over the road.
I am not!
Pay attention
to what you're doing.
You see the dotted line
in the middle of the road?
No, you don't,
because you're on it.
Move over.
Relax, Daddy!
Oh, that's not good.
What do I do?
Okay.
Just pull over.
I can't believe this.
If I get a ticket, then
I can't get my license,
and I've been waiting
so long for this.
Now my life is ruined.
Is there a problem, Officer?
You were driving
erratically.
License and
registration, please.
No, it wasn't my fault, Officer.
This food is so good,
it distracted me.
It's from Chili's, you know.
They have the best ribs ever.
You'd figure they have
the best chili ever,
and it is good, but it's not
as good as those ribs.
I wonder if there's a place
called "Ribbies"
that makes pretty good ribs
but unbelievably good chili.
Have you
been drinking?
No, sir, I haven't.
I, um I did have a couple
of beers during the game, but
Step out of the car, please.
Officer, you don't understand.
I'm not drinking and driving.
Like I said, I was drinking,
but I wasn't
How 'bout a boneless
buffalo wing?
Hey.
Are you okay?
Where have you been?
I've been worried.
Don't make a big deal
out of nothing.
Everything's okay, sweetie.
Okay, what happened?
I got arrested
for drunk driving.
What?
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
Will you excuse us, please?
Yes, Daddy,
whatever you say.
Thank you.
I love you.
You see that?
You see?
I'm the hero in
this story, Vicky.
Oh, yeah,
who are you?
Drunken Stupor Man?
Are you done yet, are you?
'Cause you're about to feel
very, very, very stupid, okay?
Yes, I was a little buzzed,
but I wasn't driving.
Hillary was, okay?
But when we got pulled over,
I switched seats with her,
so she wouldn't get a ticket
and not get her license.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's right.
Nelson Mandela.
Gandhi.
Me.
Oh, so you
just did this
to get Hillary
out of trouble?
Yeah, are you
feeling dumb yet?
No, not yet,
but I'm sure I will
when you want to take me
to dinner,
and I have to ride
on your handlebars to get there.
You could lose your
license over this.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
For your information,
I already lost it.
But just temporarily, okay?
The cop said I was just
over the legal limit,
and it's a first offense,
so I'm probably just
going to get a fine
for driving while
ability impaired.
So instead of Hillary
just waiting a few more months
to get her license,
now you have to figure out
how to get to and from work.
Why would you do that?
First of all, I was drunk
when I made the decision.
But I stand by it, okay?
I mean, she's my kid.
I'm always gonna be
there to bail her out.
And besides, it
was all worth it.
Did you see the way
she hugged me and thanked me?
Ha!
Do you think
she's going to remember
your big sacrifice
tomorrow?
Yes, I do.
Please.
When has
she ever even appreciated
anything that we do for her?
There you go, Hillary.
It's all ready.
You did it, Daddy!
You fixed it.
Thank you!
Oh.
I love you, I love you,
I love you!
I love you more.
Great.
Can you think
of another example
since she learned
what a maxipad was for?
No.
You know why?
Because she's
a teenage girl, Dave,
and teenage girls
only think about themselves.
Ah! You're just jealous
because right now,
she likes me
more than she likes you.
Well, maybe I should toss back
a couple of cocktails
and take her
for a joyride.
Well, guess what? You can't.
Car's been impounded.
What?
What do you mean
the camp is full?
Oh, come on, can't you
just take one more kid?
Instead of Romeo and Juliet,
you could do Romeo and Juliet
and Their Friend Larry.
Hey, Mom.
I'll call you back.
Hey, you actor, you.
Did you talk to the camp?
What'd they say?
Do I have to bring
my own fencing foil,
or will they provide one?
I wouldn't worry too much
about that, Larry.
What he means is,
do you think I'd send you
to some schlocky
Shakespeare camp
where you have to bring
your own fencing foil?
What kind of a mother
do you think I am?
You're the best, Mom.
Yeah, let's just go
with that for now.
Me think you screweth up
big time, me lady.
I'm going to go down there and
straighten this whole thing out.
Oh, honey,
could you give me a ride?
Oh, wait, no,
you can't, drunky.
Oh, hey, Daddy,
what are you up to?
Comparison shopping
for new car insurance.
You know, they want to raise my
rates $200 a month
since our little
driving incident.
You have anything to say
about that, sweetie?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, maybe you
should cut back
on beer to save the money.
I mean, that is how you wound up
in this situation
in the first place, right?
( chuckles )
All right.
And, yeah, I thought
she wouldn't appreciate
all you've done for her.
I don't know her at all.
Yes! We won another hand!
Yes! Yes!
Give it to me.
Yeah.
Oh.
Mm.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Kaching!
Kaching!
$8,200, Mike.
What are you going to do
with your share of the money?
I don't know, um, video games,
maybe DVDs, candy.
What about you, Dad?
Yeah, me, too.
Candy.
Thank you, Dave.
You're welcome, Candy.
Okay, look, I'm gonna
level with you.
I forgot to send
his application in,
and now I feel like
the worst mother in the world.
You just got to let him in.
I can't live with the guilt.
Sorry, Mrs.
Gold, I
would love to have Larry
at Camp To Be Or Not To Be,
but unfortunately, for this
summer, it's not to be.
Okay.
What if I were to tell you
that my son is handicapped?
We already have a blind kid
and a wheelchair kid.
A disappointed kid
just ain't gonna cut it.
( groans )
Hey.
Hey, babe.
This carpooling with Joe
is driving me nuts.
All he listens to
is the Martha Stewart channel
on satellite radio.
For some unknown reason,
his car stinks like meatloaf.
You'd think Martha
would have a solution for that.
But, uh, I guess not.
Well, here's an idea:
Why don't you tell the judge
the truth at your hearing,
and I bet you get
your license back.
I'm not selling out my daughter,
all right?
I'm her father,
I have to protect her,
end of story, period.
All right?
Now, what's for dinner?
Meatloaf.
Oh, look who's home.
Now, maybe we can finally eat.
I tried to get home earlier
for you, sweetie,
but when Joe was driving home--
you know, 'cause I could
no longer legally drive,
you know--
we had to pull over because
Joe had a charley horse.
And he said, "Hey, Dave,
you want to take over here
and drive the rest
of the way home?"
And I said, "No, Joe,
I cannot do that," you know?
"'Cause I could, uh,
no longer legally drive.
"
I may not be able
to get behind the wheel,
but I could still take
my daughter on a guilt trip.
What do you think
about that, sweetie?
I think that maybe next time,
you could call and let us know
you're gonna be late, so we
could start dinner without you.
What are you doing, Daddy?
I'm punishing you for something
you're gonna do when you're 16.
????
Good morning!
I made corned beef
hash and eggs
and home fries and
blueberry pancakes.
Nothing is too good
for my favorite son.
What do you want from me, Mom?
All right,
I need a favor.
I need you to make
fun of your brother
to the point where
he's too embarrassed
to go to Shakespeare camp.
Excuse me?
You know, you go, "Hey,
Larry, Shakespeare camp, huh?
Was sex change camp
all filled up?"
But, you know,
in your own style.
Forget it, Mom,
I'm not doing that.
Why not?
Since when do you care
about hurting his feelings?
I don't care about
hurting his feelings, okay?
I'm just not gonna talk him
out of leaving the house
for two weeks.
That's my summer vacation.
Please don't call our bluff,
please don't call our bluff.
Hold your breath.
Why?
Just do what I say.
Yes! We won, we won.
Mike?
Why is this door locked?
MIKE:
Uh it's not locked.
Rook to king seven.
Ouch.
In my face.
What's going on?
Oh, uh, just chess.
We're playing chess.
Oh.
Please don't call our bluff,
please don't call our bluff.
Come on!
What's really going on?
Nothing's going on.
We're just playing
some chess,
spending a little
time with my son.
You know, even a mother
who doesn't understand the idea
of sacrificing for her children
should understand that.
I'm sure Shakespeare
must have written
a play about that.
But thanks to you, Larry won't
be performing it this summer.
Hey, Hilary, listen.
Your mother and I
are going out on Saturday.
I need you to be here
from 10:00 to 2:00.
The cable guy's coming.
Why me?
You know, 'cause I'm asking you.
Mm.
I can't.
I'm going to my friend
Michelle's house on Saturday.
I already have plans.
Oh, well, here's an idea:
Why don't you just
switch your plans?
You know?
Instead of you
going over there,
why doesn't she
come over here?
You know?
You just switch places.
Yeah.
No.
Wait.
Are you kidding me?
Are you telling me
you won't go a little bit
out of your way for me,
after everything
I've done for you?
Is this about the car?
Are you screwing with me?
Yes, this is about the car,
and how I got arrested for you,
and how I lost my license
for you, and how I have to drive
to and from work
in Joe's smelly car for you,
and how, all this time,
your mother's saying
how stupid I am
for doing all this for you.
I didn't ask you to do
any of those things for me.
I could have talked my way
out of a ticket.
I'm pretty.
Yeah, and besides,
I said thank you.
God, what else do
you want from me?
How about a little appreciation?
You know what?
Forget it, okay?
I'm done protecting you.
Your mother was right.
And you know what?
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to court tomorrow,
and you're coming with me.
And I'm gonna
tell the judge
exactly what happened,
all right?
And if he wants
to take away your license,
you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna stand up,
and applaud him--
you know why?
'Cause you don't deserve
a license,
you don't deserve anything.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot!
I enjoyed that.
VICKY:
I really did.
Especially the part where you
said, "Your mother was right.
"
Whatever.
Hey, Larry, you know what?
You're not going
to Shakespeare camp.
You know why?
Your mother forgot
to send in the application.
What?!
Okay, he knows
I'm a good mother.
He knows I love him.
I mean, I made
one little mistake.
It's not the end of the world.
He'll deal with it.
Okay, okay.
So we're good?
Before I sentence you, do you
have anything you'd like to say?
Yes, Your Honor,
as a matter of fact, I do.
There are a few facts
involving this case
that you are unaware of
that I would like to bring
to the court's attention.
It just so happens
that on the day of the incident,
my daughter
Um
Well, what I was
saying is, um
I, uh, I deserve everything, um,
Your Honor does to me.
Drinking and driving
is totally unacceptable
under any circumstances.
I could not agree with
you more, Mr.
Gold.
The court hereby
Excuse me, Your Honor.
My father's innocent.
I was the one who was driving.
But I wasn't drinking.
I saw my friend Max, and I
waved, because he's really cute.
We have this thing where we
Anyway, um
My dad switched seats with me
so I wouldn't get in trouble.
But it's only because
he cares about me.
See?
I knew Hilary appreciates
the sacrifices I make for her.
I knew she would do
the right thing.
I'm just so proud of her,
I don't know
I was going to suspend
your license for 90 days
and fine you $500.
But given
these new circumstances,
I can no longer do that.
( sighs ):
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You are, however
guilty of perjury and
of falsifying a police report.
JUDGE:
The court hereby fines you
$5,000.
What the hell
is wrong with my daughter?
Why couldn't she
just keep her mouth shut
like every other
ungrateful teenager?