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Okay. Well, it's pretty inspiring to be here.
I, I don't know.
I just, I really, I enjoy the energy
the idea that, everybody's here trying to help, right?
And like enrich the community.
I've been through a little bit of stuff in my life.
I suppose you could say.
And at the end of the day to be able to give meaning and give back a little
bit, some of the lessons that I've learned.
Working with at risk youth is like, a really big passion of mine.
So I'll tell you guys a little bit about
my story, and I'll try not to take too long.
[LAUGH] So there was a question that was asked.
Who are you?
And, it's a questions that one will be map, asked many times in their lifetime.
Who are you?
This could be a really simple answer, it could be quite profound.
>> Yeah.
>> I remember when I was asked this question on a particular day.
And this was a day when I was barely able to walk.
I had lost everything, basically, that I owned.
All the materials that I had were gone, and I wasn't sure if
I would even live a life with any sort of normalcy ever again.
I was using a wheelchair to get to
my doctor's appointments, and I was unsure how
or if I would ever be healed from whatever illness What is was that was plaguing me.
Because I actually didn't know what it was.
I was misdiagnosed a number of times. And so this day I was asked who are you?
And I truly didn't know at that point. It's like, you know, what am I doing?
Where, you know, it's like I had lost everything.
Who am I?
So I wanted to say all my here, you know, it's like I'm right here.
But it's like, wait a minute, there's
muscles and muscles [LAUGH] organs, ribs, you know.
and, and so, you know, well maybe I'm here.
It's all mental. Like maybe I'm here.
So I really thought about this.
And I wanted to point to my mind and say it was my mind, but I
remember, I was reminded that day that I am the experiencer of this existence.
Okay?
I'm the observer, in a sense, of Ryan Cunningham having an experience, meaning,
Not to disconnect me from who I am, but to say that I was me even before this name.
I mean, even in the womb of my mother, I was a, there was a soul there.
I was having a some kind
of experience. Like, what is this?
I'm doing doing something here, right?
I was really, this really, this downtime really connected me
with my, my true self, my deepest part of myself.
And so I went on this way that day studying.
And trying to think, and think about what this could be.
And my point was that I realized that I
was more than what I acquired in this life.
I was more than even what I do.
You know, I realized I was beautiful, I was loved, I was valuable because I
am, period. And see, I didn't always know this.
So, I was raised here in Vancouver.
And I had a Dad by the name of Scott who was like, my best friend.
He was the first one to hold me when I was born.
Taught me sports.
To ride a bike, all that jazz.
Pretty much taught me how to be a good dad.
But at age eight, I was told, actually, that he wasn't my biological father.
So, tricky part about that was, he's a white guy and so I thought I was biracial.
So
you wouldn't think that that would be some people could see all it is a marriage
out of love and I did, but at the same time it was a rude awakening.
Like how do I fit, what does it mean to be a
black male in this society in, in the context of in America?
And how am I supposed to act, and who am I supposed to be?
And what does this mean?
And, and, I didn't really, you know, because I loved him so
much you know, I felt a lot of loyalty to him.
Of course, you know, but at the same time my mom had told me
she had been married previous to him, and the minute I saw that picture.
I feel loyalty to him.
That was my biological father, he's like half of me.
So, on that day, I just felt like my fixed stars kind of split in half, you know,
they became felt and cardboard, as if it was like, what I knew
to be so real and I trusted, actually wasn't that way at all.
And so as the years went on, you know, I was really good in
sports I got, I was actually doing pre algebra in like the fourth grade.
And as the years on, I think, by ignoring some of
the emotional stuff I was going through, it came out in my
teen years.
So in the teen years, I just, I
started, you know, I started really kind of acting out.
I can still remember when I was younger, I would try to pretend I was biracial still.
Like, so if my dad came in, and I'm with my dad
and my mom, and anyone asked me, he's like is that your dad?
Oh, so you're half white? Yeah, what do you think, that's my dad.
But inside though, that was kind of damaging though.
Because it was like I was saying, well I'm not really.
It's not okay to be me, you know, and I wasn't even
really sure what that meant, and so a lot of times, in
our, in our society at least me being raised in a place
was, I was pretty much the only black kid in my school actually.
So, I had to look to what I thought, whatever stereotypes that I
was embracing to what I thought being a black man meant to me.
And so that's what I was acting out, and trying to live out.
But it really,
I really wasn't getting to the source of, of who I was.
So, as I grew up, juvenile hall was like my second home.
So, I mean, so I went from one of the spectrum to the other.
I was, I was in juvenile institutions
I mean, you name it.
To this day, I could run into any of
those guards from that era and they're like, Ryan.
>> [LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH] Actually just happened, actually.
>> [LAUGH]
>> And although I, my rap sheet is ridiculous with all that,
I put my mom through so much stuff, and, and what have you.
I would still get the same, like response from
these guards. Why are you here?
Like, how did you end up in here?
Like it doesn't match up.
I mean the way you are doesn't match with this.
I used to ask myself the same thing. And back to that question.
Who are you?
It's like that was echoing in my, in, in my life the
whole time in the back of my mind trying to figure that out.
I'll fast forward a bit, at 18 I ended
up doing about three years in prison and I think
that was the ultimate research I was trying to really figure it out.
So I thought that, well you know maybe I need to
go back to his religion and follow I mean to follow that.
That maybe was the guide and I should have done that right.
I got out.
And I, just by the way its been 11 years since
I've been out and I've, you know, never again its not happened.
So I've been I've been clean slate, you
know, ever since just to throw that out there.
[LAUGH] Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, so I thought going back to church
would kind of do it for me, but I kind of lost footing
in that being it, it's pretty strict and I was
got in trouble for having a girlfriend outside of that religion.
So I just kind of felt like just who was I.
Was trying to find who I was supposed to be.
And I spiraled into reckless lifestyle of drugs, using, and selling.
I even had an overdose where I almost died.
I was convulsing in a hospital bed.
It was a, a near death experience actually.
It was quite traumatic.
And to make matters tougher, a few months after that even.
I actually began dealing with a health issue, where I was una, unable to walk.
And that's kind of where I began this. Again, I was telling you guys about.
I was unable to walk.
Had paralysis in my limbs. And one time I even
remember, screaming out, and it was so like agonizing, the way I
screamed, like I didn't even recognize my own self, my own voice.
It was it was as, about as bare bottom as you can get, you know.
So I exhausted western medicine. I tried this, I tried that.
They misdiagnosed me a few times.
I ended up finding out some eastern medicine that was helping me.
Through acupuncture,
a chiropractor through naturepathy and I started healing holistically.
And they actually found arsenic in my hair folicle analysis.
So that was, like everyone was like, oh, aha.
Right here's the physical aspect of what was going on.
But by then, I had already been tackling this thing through a holistic view.
So it was like okay, so now I have
physical toxins I've go to get out of my system.
I have emotional toxins, I need to get outta my system.
My spiritual
toxins I need to get out of my system. I've just need a detox.
>> [LAUGH].
>> All around. Right?
And that's what I did.
And I'm talking six years of, I mean, I've moved back in with my mom, I'd been living
in Arizona, I moved back in with my mom, and it was a detoxing of, of all of those.
And it was work, work. I got to a point though where I was strong
enough with my acupuncturist who's doubled as my counselor, and basically told me,
I think you're ready to start school. And I'm like, what?
I almost took offense because, it's like, my day
was so hard, and I would still barely making it.
And I also, by the way, I'm a single
father so, I, I have full-custody of my son.
So, he's five now, at the time he was two when he told me this.
So I'm looking at like, you guys are crazy.
But sure enough I put my foot out there, I
ended up getting back in, into an apartment, my son and
I, right down the street from Clark College.
And so I started my journey here at Clark.
That's such a big deal. So Clark has been, like, the physical
space that's, like, giving me room to grow in, you know.
I had to rebuild myself.
Confidence-wise, I had to rebuild who I was
during that transformation time period, I actually changed completely.
I'm a totally different person.
And so, I didn't even know what that looked like, on
how to walk out into the community and, and be this person.
So at Clark, here, I've been able to facilitate.
This is facilitating my growth.
And this is really, this is really true.
And that's why I am also passionate about education and teaching,
because at the end of the day, you are changing lives.
That is sobering.
So it, you know,because of time, I could continue on, but you
know, I, at the end of the day, I did end up patching
things up with my biological father, and finding kind of a new spiritual
space, and, and through doing this now, I'm working with At Risk Youth.
So I worked a little bit at an internship at Lang Middle School doing that.
And teaching through hip-hop, so I do conscious hip-hop, and It's like, you
know, you get to these kids and you have seventh graders all sitting
in a circle and all of them, you know, they're spit balls at each other
and pulling on each other and it's like, how do you get them to listen?
And as soon as I tell them, oh, I'm a hip-hop artist,
so all of sudden they want to hear what I have to say.
It's like, I have their eyes.
And it's at that moment where my lyrics, I can, I
literally would pass them my lyrics around to them and tell them.
Okay, let's break some of this down.
What am I saying? Let' em hear it.
And, you know, trying to teach them through that way.
Any way we can get to' em.
so, I just, at the end of this, I'm wrapping it up,
I'm just, I'd just like to be, I'm very gracious, very gracious, extremely.
This is a story I told myself, but it was many hands that helped me along the way.
Many people I would like to thank.
One, two people actually here at Clark College I'd like to thank.
One would be Evie Blakeley from career services.
For suggesting that I share my story today.
For being approachable and caring and having me
in the office and talking one on one.
And deeply appreciative for that and believing in me.
Sarah Weinberger, as well at career
services has pulled me to the side, before and actually told
me you know, anything you need, anything you need as long
as on this path, as long as you're doing this, because
this is what you're meant to do, she's like, I got you.
Meant a lot.
also.
And my sister's sitting back there right behind Sara Weinberger.
And sis, I'd like to thank you for don't
do it, Ryan, ugh, supporting me, crying with
me, laughing with me, hurting with me, baby sitting.
[LAUGH] Fighting with me, loving with me,
through this story of tragedy turn triumph.
So today I asked myself who am I?
And the answer is more like what am I?
I am beautiful, loved, and valuable simply because
I am.
And out of that space, Ryan Cunningham will deliver
my gift to the world and to the youth.
And I see, and because I see it in myself, I see it in those teenage
boys, I see it in this audience, see it in nature, see it in the world.
So may we all know that we are beautiful, loved, and valuable.
Thank you. [SOUND]