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I could start this video in many different ways, but for once I think Iíll just introduce
the gameÖItís called Dys4ia, and itís a 10-minute flash game thatís freely available
on Newgrounds. When released there in 2012, it received a daily feature and was mostly
praised by the community ñ and thatís largely not gone away, the praise if anything getting
louder over time as more people take notice. Some have called Dys4ia a pretty damn brave
step forward for gaming, and not just because of its subject matter ñ social dysphoria
and hormone replacement therapy, as experienced by indie games designer Anna Anthropy. Her
game has touched quite a few people in ways that very few games do, including myselfÖand
so, even though itís not usually the sort of thing Iíd talk about, itís something
I want to talk about more than anything else, even if thatís going to mean a lot of personally
opening up and flat-out talking about me. Is that right? The question ìWhat does this
game represent to ME?î has always been a difficult one ñ itís ignoring the game in
favour of the gamer, which some people would say is NOT the way of doing thingsÖobviously
I donít agree or I wouldnít be here now. Reviewing games is tricky at times, as it
can be both liberating and restrictive ñ and a lot of that restriction comes from the
games themselves, or the expectation of how you should deal with them ñ a NES game by
LJN is a piece of ***, a first-person military shooter is incredibly visceral, a game that
touches on the very basics of satire is witty and mature. Perhaps games that come pre-packaged
with those never-changing expectations arenít the sort of things I want to look at anymore.
Dys4ia is something different. First off, itís a game that you could play in the time
itís going to take for me to go through it hereÖIíd encourage you to either pause the
video and do that now, or hear me out, play it and make up your own mind ñ either way,
whatís the worst that could happen? The game is also more of a journey ñ if one criticism
has repeatedly been lobbed at it, itís that itís ìNot a gameî. Thereís not usually
much else to justify the statement aside from that, itís just ìNot a gameî and thatís
it. But more than anything else, itís an autobiographical piece ñ something we almost
never see in gaming. Anna Anthropy is taking you through her own experiences with HRTÖto
what end? To inform? To entertain? To help others in the same situation? As a means of
releasing frustrations, hopes and fears?...all of those answers are, in a sense, correct,
because a lot of it depends on you, how you react to the author opening up like this.
Other forms of media have done it for decadesÖgames, though? Not so much, and I kind of wonder
why. Have we been taught, perhaps, that people
who make games simply arenít all that interesting? Is that another part of the whole ìgames
are fun and nothing elseî philosophy that I, clearly the self-absorbed hipster ***
social warrior white knight youíve been told to hate, have come to question so much lately?
Some classic games have smidgens of what appear to be personal touches ñ the hand-drawn graphics
of Yoshiís Island make me think of a young Shigsy Miyamoto doodling in the margins of
his books and never quite leaving that habit behind. The endless references and experimentation
of Metal Gear Solid make me wonder about Hideo Kojimaís clear love of films, and the way
he approaches his in-game avatar, Otacon, makes me think that a part of him wishes heíd
gotten into film-making as opposed to game design. Little things like that ñ they may
not seem like much, but personal statements can resonate with people and allow them to
not just engage with a game, but identify with it.
Of course, these examples are superficial, rose-tinted glasses stuff. They donít strip
the author bare like Dys4ia does. The game, after all, is about being transgenderÖitís
not going to be an easy subject ñ not for the author, and not for the player. Itís
an issue thatís hard for people to understand, and harder still for those who actually have
gender identity disorder. Some of us can relate to it in some way, that feeling that something
is different ñ that youíre not like other peopleÖin the beginning, this feeling is
interpreted by the brain as something being ñ insert quotemarks here - wrong. It could
be that youíre homosexual, or bisexual, or it could be that youíre ***Öhow
do you react to that? Worry? Denial? Anger? Perhaps, at some stage, hopefully, acceptance?
That last one might take a long time ñ itís not easy, and it can be one of the most awful
things a human being ever has to go throughÖand some donít make it. My own meagre standing
as a guy who makes review videos about games may well not qualify me to even approach such
a topic ñ Iím aware of that, and aware that this video may not be what you, as a viewer,
want or expect ñ I am not my usual bright flower child self. But I guess Iím now ready
to share the reaction I had to Dys4ia, and the reason why Iím sat here talking about
it. The first time I played through Dys4ia, it
left me in tears ñ big, proper sit in a dark room and shove my face in the pillow tears.
It wasnít all that long ago, but it was at a very tough point in my life, where I was
struggling to accept who I was having spent years in flat-out denial...in short, something
was ìwrongî. I hadnít come to the game looking for emotional catharsisÖI was merely
curious about it, having heard people I respected be positive about what the game had to offer,
that it was something different from the norm and ñ hey, itís only 10 minutes long and
costs nothing so why not? Iíd been boring the hell out of myself with *** licensed
games and I wanted a break. But then the game touched me in ways that are difficult to describeÖI
was looking for a game, and instead I found something like a conversation, where someone
suddenly opens up to you. My own situation was not at all the same, but there was, I
suppose, that feeling of empathy ñ I didnít know, but I understood. There was the frustrations,
the social awkwardness, the struggleÖpoints where youíd laugh with the author, and points
where youíd glumly nod your head ñ the various emotions and responses came thick and fast,
with that overriding theme of not being quite able to fit in, the thing I could identify
with the most. In the final part though, the author starts to become comfortable ñ she
sees the positives in the changes sheís made, and feels happier for it, as if a new world
of possibilities has opens up. This isnít the end ñ itís the beginning, and itís
going to get better. And so, there I wasÖyíknow, crying. Over the next days, I would revisit
the game quite a few times, looking for that emotion again. It was almost likeÖgrief ***,
perhaps? It was almost becoming a shoulder to cry on...but I wasnít quite ready to open
up yet, and the game did help me eventually do that ñ it wasnít the only thing, but
it supported me and helped me believe that there wasnít anything wrong, and that in
the immortal words of Ke$ha, we ñ you, I - are who we are. It had taken a long time
to get there, and itís still a work in progress, but then Iím still working on itÖthings
are better now. The end? No. Just the beginning. Locked in here, after the fact, with nothing
but cigarettes, some well-worn MP3ís and Sony Vegas for company, I look back on that
paragraph and find myself analysing it, poring through every word, syllable by syllable ñ
almost as much as I did when I was writing itÖmaybe even think about the game side of
it, perhaps. Is that word ìplayedî strictly correct? Dys4ia is a very simple game ñ control
is all done with the arrow keys, thereís no such thing as a ìfailî state, not a great
deal in the way of interaction ñ at least, not on the level youíre accustomed to with
gaming. Itís a short, rapid-fire burst, created in much the same vein as Nintendoís WarioWare
titlesÖsome might wonder if Dys4ia is even a ìgameî at all. Itís not an easy questionÖI
look at games though, as a place where anything is possible. Any rules that have been established
over gamingís short, rapid history may well be respected, but they were also made to be
broken. What makes something ìNOTî a game anyway? How can such a thing be so didactic?
Maybe we should wonder if ìgameî is actually the right word to describe this thing of ours.
But a video game can communicate feelings as well as anything else can, could make something
engaging out of any subject the author chooses, and do it in ways that canít be done in other
forms of media. The intent of the author is, perhaps, something we donít think about as
often as we should when it comes to gamingÖwhich is a shame, as that sort of thing is what
helps an artform grow. Where would art be if no one ever asked somebody WHY they were
doing something? In that respect, Dys4ia as a game is a triumph ñ it shows that, yes
ñ a personal experience is possible, maybe even something to aspire to, depending on
what the author wants. ÖBut regardless of all the game questions
and what-not, my mind keeps wandering back to those personal experiences, things that
I wonít easily forget. Indeed, the very act of talking about them is difficult. But is
it ok to share them, to display them to the world? What will people think? Again, the
conventions of gaming almost suggest at points that, really, itís just all about the gameplay,
or having fun. More recent controversies in gaming might encourage people to open themselves
upÖthen again, they may force them further into a corner. As much as I donít want it
to, thereís a part of me that thinks ìbut what if this?...or that?îÖI could say ìwell,
you canít please everybody.î. Or I could say ìBut I WANT to please everybodyîÖit
depends. The old fear, I suppose, is something thatíll never go awayÖyou want to fit in,
but you try to fill up too big a space. Iím still learning about it, and thatíll never
stop. To be honest, thereís a chance you may never see this video at all ñ Iíll edit
it, render it, do everything except actually post it. But if you do see it, then youíll
know. Hopefully Iíll feel that Iíve made the right decision. In any case, I make this
video not necessarily to recommend Dys4ia, to tell you that you should play it ñ thatís
a decision I leave up to you. Iím still not sure of what I hope to accomplish here. Maybe
I just wanted to keep a record, or to take another step out into the great beyondÖor
maybe just to say thanks. So, yeahÖthank you.