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I mostly got married because I wanted to find love, and I thought that if I got married,
I would feel loved.
I quickly learned that wasn't true and over the course of the eight years of the marriage
I ended up having almost a dozen affairs, and towards the end I became so depressed
and so empty and so alone that I decided I couldn't handle being married anymore, that
I had to find something else out there to make me happy.
I started using drugs and alcohol. I ended up robbing pharmacies and so forth, uh, for
drugs. There came a day when, um, I had gone through two bottles of ***, and I had a
.357 and somebody came into my house - I didn't know who they were, and I took a shot at them.
I got to an extremely low place and I had affair after affair and I just kept getting
lower and more desperate. I dated guy after guy and was very promiscuous and just desperately
seeking for feeling better and I didn't find it.
They ran out of the house and I followed and when I got outside I saw numerous police cars
around. I took a shot at one of the cars and I realized there was no way I could get out
of this, so I just started climbing the mountain to get away. One of the policeman, uh, that
had been following me up the hill had shot me. They lifeflighted me to a hospital locally.
The doctor told Melodie that if she had a god to start praying to Him. Um, that I didn't
have much chance to live.
And I had decided in my divorce that God didn't exist, that he wasn't, he couldn't possibly
exist if He didn't help me with my fears and He didn't help me feel loved and He couldn't
help me with my marriage when I cried out to Him that He wasn't there. So I believed
He didn't exist, he was just a concept. I was depressed for about two months, I felt
like I was walking in cement, I felt hopeless and I just felt like giving up, like God wasn't
doing anything to help me with this pain and this depression.
The mess continued, uh, for the next nine years everything seemed to be a struggle.
Um, up to the day that our son committed suicide, which was devastating to us. I started drinking
more. I drank about a bottle of *** everyday, and I saw no real purpose in life then. At
that point I knew that I didn't have any control over my circumstances or my life.