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Hi Guys, welcome back.
Today I'm just going to sit and talk to the camera.
I don't really know where to start
I've been doing some thinking this morning
about, well, a lot of things
Where I'm at, where I'm going, where I want to be..
A few days ago I was talking to a guy called Radek,
who I met recently, he's a skydiver,
and we were talking amongst other things, about
happiness and what makes you happy and how to achieve happiness
and for him, to be happy is to jump our of an aeroplane
When he's up there he's disconnected from his problems on the ground
hes' got the adrenaline rush...
and it got me thinking, what would make me happy?
and he asked me the question, "what would make me happy?"
and he said I need to ask myself that - I need to write down
what would make me happy
and since then I've been thinking about it, and he shared a video with me
actually, at the weekend as well - Slowmo guy. In fact I'll put a link to it underneath
It's a good video, very inspiring.
I won't tell you what it's about, I'll let you watch it yourselves.
But yeah, it got me thinking and it made me
look at myself, now as you know I suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
but what I haven't told you is that part of PTSD, for me,
is alcohol - or alcohol abuse. I'm an alcoholic.
It's not easy to admit but if I can't admit it to you guys then I'm not really admitting it to myself, am I?
I've been on and off the *** for, I don't know.
The last ten years. The longest period I've had without drinking
was 16 months.
But somehow I always manage to find myself drinking again and
it's, I mean, they call it self medicating
People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder drink to numb the feelings or for me it's to stop the nightmares
So I'm not an alcoholic in the sense that I wake up and the first thing I want to do is have a drink.
That's not what it's about for me. For me, I drink in the evening before bed
and that helps me sleep through without having nightmares
if I don't drink the nightmares come back
but it's got to the stage now where it's getting a bit silly
You know? I lie to myself or I try to fool myself
Oh, just two beers a night is ok - then gradually it's like three beers a night or four beers a night.
Well just the other night I had I think six beers and two glasses of wine - in one night...
You know, and it's getting embarrassing when the bin lorry comes, the bin truck, they're emptying
all the recycling bins and everybody's, you can hear the cardboard and the plastic milk bottles and stuff like that
and then they empty my bin and just the whole street you can just hear all the beer bottles and wine bottles
being tipped into the lorry (truck)
so, I've decided today that I'm not going to drink.
I'm not saying I've decided I'm never going to drink again because...
once you're an alcoholic you're always an alcoholic.
I don't care what anybody says, that's how I feel about it.
If you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic, that's it. If you're addicted to something, you're addicted to it.
For me to say to myself, or to you guys that I'm never going to have a drink again is unrealistic
but, what I am going to say is that I'm not going to have a drink today and tomorrow is a new day
and I'll try again not to have a drink tomorrow.
And I'll take it one day at a time like that.
When I joined the RAF
I was not very good at running and we had to run around this sports field.
F**k, it looked a long way right? But the physical training instructor said to me, "can you run to that lamp post?"
I was like, "yeah I can run to the lamp post". "So come on, lets run to the lamp post."
So we ran to the lamp post. He said let's go to the next lamp post.
So we ran to the next lamp post.
and the next lamp post.. and then he said, "right, you've just ran four lamp posts, lets run two lamp posts.
and you know, before you know it, when you break things down like that
things are easier, it's not so daunting and you realise you can do it..
it's just this stopping you most of the time
and that's how I stopped drinking the previous times and that's how I'm going to stop again.
So today is my first lamp post. I'm not going to drink today.
Each day will be a lamp post for the first week
and then once I've done a week
my next lamp post will be to go a full week without drinking
so I'm doubling the time, so I'm going to have two weeks where I'm dry - I hope.
And it will just go on from there, I'll keep giving myself the next lamp post to get to without a drink.
You know? And if I get to a point where I'm struggling then I'll go back to
just today is a lamp post, you know, if I'm really having cravings for it,
it will just be, not to have a drink today, tomorrow is a new day, we'll see how we feel tomorrow
but right now, I have two beers in the fridge and there's quarter of a bottle of wine or something like that left in there as well
so they're going to go down the sink in a minute - after I've finished filming this
What will make me happy?
Really, what will make me happy? I don't know what's going to make me happy.
I've got some ideas of what will make me happy but when I really think, what will make me happy
Like the one thing, the one thing, you know there's lots of things I want to do but the one thing that will make me happy
is to be healthy. To get my body right, and my mind
which will enable me to do other things that will make me happier!
A few years ago I walked across Spain as I think I mentioned in my first video.
I walked 800 kms across Spain
and I felt fantastic
and during that trip I saw for the first time, guys longboarding
and this was back in 2012 and I said to myself, "Wow, I really want to do that"
Watching these guys gliding effortlessly along - and they were going pretty fast and it looked really cool, I wanted to have a go
so, when I got back to England, sure enough I bought myself this
Osprey pintail longboard, and I promised myself I was going to learn to ride.
and this was before I had my problems with pain, I hadn't had cancer at that point, I hadn't had the hernia surgery
so I could have started learning to ride the longboard
but I didn't
I put the longboard in the cupboard
and it just stayed there
and the reason for that was because I was scared.
I was afraid, my anxiety got the better of me
I didn't want people to see me falling off or not doing it right
you know, that kind of stuff So I didn't do it for fear of what other people think
It's crazy. Why do I care what other people think?
If I want to ride a skateboard I should just ride the skateboard, right?
So,
in order for me to ride that skateboard now not only have I got to overcome my anxiety, I've also got to overcome my pain
and try to get my body back in shape
I've got a letter here from the spinal surgeon
and he didn't recommend surgery
this is for my Lumber Disc Protrusion L4/L5, my lower spine.
But what he did say at the end of this letter, " I've discussed ongoing management of his back pain including exercise and yoga.
So that's the spinal surgeon recommending to me that I do yoga
And again, because of my anxiety
I haven't joined a yoga class
for fear of people watching me and I'm not doing it right
or I'm not as flexible as them, or you know, whatever.
So I haven't gone. So what I did do, quite a while ago now
was buy this.
DDP Yoga, the full pack.
It say's on it, "Own Your Life".
Yeah
Own you're life. I want to own my life.
In here is everything I need, there's a whole bunch of DVD's
There's, the chart that shows you all the positions, there's diet in here
everything you need. Now I don't know how well I'm going to get on with this but
I'm going to start doing it because it cost me a lot of money
the surgeon recommended I do yoga, and I just haven't bothered.
Why?
I don't know. Maybe I don't believe I can or I don't believe it's going to make me better, or I'm scared
that it's going to hurt too much so I just don't want to do it, or, I don't know
but you know, when I'm depressed as well I don't feel like I want to do exercise
Sometimes when I'm depressed I don't even get out of bed and that needs to change
So it's going to change. I've got the yoga matt, I've got the DVD's
The beer is going down the sink
and hopefully I'll get to a stage where
I mean, I don't know if this is going to completely get rid of my pain or what
but part of my pain management, he said was to exercise and do yoga so
I have to start somewhere. I'm not going to do it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to
put the first DVD in, roll out my yoga matt and have a go.
I'm not going to film it, I might take pictures over the weeks as I go along and perhaps make up a video
once I've maybe got a bit more flexible and stronger, I don't know.
That's where I'm at.
Stop drinking, get my body better, and then learn to longboard. Because I want to do it,
I've been wanting to do it for ages. I'm 33 now, I can't ride a skateboard. I mean
if you want to ride a skateboard you ride one, right? Everybody would just do that, if they want to ride a skateboard but
for me I've always been scared of what people think and so I haven't done what I wanted
and that needs to change, so...
yeah, I'm really rambling now
What's gonna make me happy? To be healthy, to not be afraid,
that's a harder one
because
you can't really change the way you think....
not very easily
So, yeah.
Yoga, try and get my body better
and try to get myself into a position where I can learn to ride my longboard
Ain't that right Lola?
Ain't that right?
Are we going to get better?
Are we?
Come and say hello..
Let's watch it back. Shall we watch it back?