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HOWARD: In 1974, 51% of men and 41% of women smoked.
Aren't they naughty?
COLIN: What are you reading her that for?
I'm trying to stimulate her.
They say you should read to them all the time.
Who does?
Who says you should read the Guardian newspaper
to an 18-month-old baby?
HOWARD: It's in all the books.
They've done studies on it in America.
I fear for that child, I really do.
Why can't you sit her in front of the television set
like everyone else, see?
Because I don't want it to rot her brains.
Did you get a little badge with your promotion of yours --
membership of the middle-class club?
Oh, here we go.
Well, the television never rotted my brain,
or yours -- in fact, we learned a lot from it.
Eric -- what about this one?
Hey, kids.
[Humming]
BOTH: How.
HOWARD: They don't make them like that anymore.
"Roobarb and Custard."
[Both singing]
I used to love that.
Hey, here's one for you!
[Humming]
"Animal Magic."
It's "Vision On."
Jackie, this is too short, isn't it?
No. It's fine.
Come on -- we'll never get out.
No, it wasn't.
"Vision On" was -- [Hums tune]
Are you trying to tell me about "Vision On"?
Who had a picture in the gallery?
You couldn't call that a picture.
It was just some pasta glued to a piece of cardboard.
[Laughing]
Ta-da!
It was a collage, mate.
It was rubbish.
Colin!
What?
Oh, wow! That's lovely!
You look fantastic, Mum.
And you, Auntie Pauline.
Oh, thanks, love.
What do you think?
Yeah. Lovely, sweetheart.
It's not a bit short?
It's meant to be.
Why, do you think it's too short?
Oh, no, I mean, well, it's -- actually, it's just right.
It's fantastic. Smashing.
Very nice.
Come on, let's wave goodbye, come on.
Don't wait up, Eric -- we're going to be late!
Be good for Granddad, boys.
Dad, I've left two spare bottles in the fridge,
and there's some carrot sticks --
ERIC: Just go and enjoy yourselves.
She'll be fine with me. They all will.
-Thanks, Dad. -See you, Dad.
You can see my bum, can't you?
No!
Hang on, I'm at the wrong angle.
Oi!
Hey, pedal to the metal, driver!
Come on!
It's my favorite night of the year, this.
It's the main reason why I still work for that poxy company.
Dance, dinner, drink.
Yeah, well, don't go over the top like you usually do.
Remember, we'll be sitting with management this year.
Ah, don't start that.
Look, nothing's changed.
Tonight is about everyone having a laugh together,
like it's always been.
[Doo-*** playing]
♪ Oh, boom, ***, wa-chang-a-lang ♪
♪ My baby don't want to stop ♪
♪ Ruby red lips and a-swingin' her hips ♪
MAN: Hi, Col.
Watch out, lads -- management on the prowl.
That's a lovely dress, that, Pauline.
Very daring.
MAN: Oh, aye, it's very, uh --
-HOWARD: Vernon! -But it gives everyone a good --
-Vernon! -Right, that's it, take me home.
Just calm down -- you look lovely.
Right, what are we doing about drinks?
Is there a whip round?
No, Doddy didn't want to.
Well, we're not very big drinkers, Col.
Primrose will be on the water all night, won't you, love?
Right -- for everyone except Doddy, it's a tenner in.
Come on, pay up!
£10!
The lads seem in good spirits tonight, Nigel.
♪ She just wants to dance ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪♪
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Right, you lot go and get a table.
We'll bring the drinks over.
Jackie -- get that one near the front.
Uh -- Col?
All right, Doddy, give us three quid, then.
Cheers.
Ooh, I'm going for a new record tonight.
Nine pints.
I'm just in the mood.
They are going to have to carry me out of here tonight.
[Laughing]
Bracing yourself, Howard?
Apparently there's some dreadful comic on later.
Are you ready to join us?
Well, I was --
Come along -- we've saved you and Pauline a seat.
Len and I were keen to have a chat with you
about this possible merger.
Go on, I can manage these.
Uh -- eleven pints of lager, please.
[Laughs]
Here we are, Nigel.
This is my wife, Pauline.
Pleased to meet you.
I must say, that is a lovely dress, Pauline.
Isn't it, Valerie?
Terrific.
Pauline, you come and sit next to me, love.
There you are.
Sorry, Vernon -- they didn't have
any of that Czech lager you wanted.
Apparently, you can only get it in gay clubs.
[Laughter]
Colin!
What's going on with Howard and Pauline?
Ah, they had to go and sit on the top table.
He looked gutted.
But he wanted the promotion, Jackie.
JACKIE: Yeah, but he was really looking forward to tonight.
Go and rescue them.
What? I can't go over.
Yes, you can.
Just say you're going to get them a drink,
and then try and get them over to the bar.
Go on, they look really bored.
♪ So I can listen to a funky sound and get high on you ♪♪
Who wants to dance?
Hmm?
Hey, you, big boy.
Do you want to dance?
Nobody wants to dance, darling, we're all sitting here
having a nice conversation.
I don't want to have a conversation,
I want to dance.
COLIN: Hello, everybody,
Mr. Guthrie,
Mr. Cockburn --
[Snorts]
Now, can I get anyone a drink?
Howard?
I'll help.
I don't want another drink.
I want a dance.
You'll dance with me, won't you, muscles?
I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
Oh!
[Dance music playing]
Whoo-hoo!
That's Colin for you, Nigel.
Eh? [Laughs]
Anything for a laugh.
♪ Just up and dance ♪
♪ It's an attitude ♪
♪ Just up and dance ♪
♪ And just clear your mind ♪
♪ Just up and dance ♪
Whoo!
♪ Let the music play ♪
♪ Till it drives your blues away ♪
♪ Just up and dance ♪
♪ You've got to move your feet ♪♪
Come and sit down!
Colin!
VALERIE: Whoo-hoo!
Yee-haw!
She certainly knows how to enjoy herself, Valerie --
What?
JACKIE: You have to push it that bit too far, don't you?
And you know Nigel and Valerie have been having problems.
For your information, I was trying to help Howard out.
And anyway, she asked me to dance.
HOWARD: Yeah, dance, not roll around on the floor
with her legs wrapped round your neck.
COLIN: She had me in a clamp.
It was like that woman in the Bond film.
Anyway, it was all your fault.
Why did you have to go and sit on Cockburn's table?
PAULINE: He had to, Col -- he invited us over.
COLIN: Yes. He could have refused, Pauline.
Well, on the evidence of tonight's little display,
I'm glad he didn't.
COLIN: Well, I'm sorry I'm not
middle-class enough for you all of a sudden,
now you've got your promotion.
Oh, the old middle-class thing again, eh?
Yeah, 'cause I'm so middle-class, aren't I?
What with my dad being -- what was he again?
Ooh, a lawyer? Was he a doctor?
Oh, no, that's right, he was a miner, just like your dad was.
PAULINE: Howard, it's freezing!
My dad, he walked to work every day.
How did your dad get there?
He got the bus, 'cause we lived further away.
No, because he was a snob. Just like his son.
He had a club foot!
Club foot, club class -- it's all the same thing, Howard.
Colin! Apologize!
I'm warning you.
Sorry, Howard.
Not accepted.
Come on, you.
Hey, Jackie.
I didn't really apologize -- I had me fingers crossed.
Shut up, Colin!
COLIN: Ah, Howard.
Just showing the lads this article
about the Chinese trying to reduce greenhouse emissions.
Huh?
Yeah, apparently Beijing has launched a new initiative
after pressure from the United Nations.
I just thought it might interest baby Victoria.
[Laughing]
Oh, yeah, very funny.
Ha ha!
[Honks]
Nigel, we put such a lot of work into this bid.
How the hell could we have been undercut?
COCKBURN: I've been made to look like a complete idiot here.
I told the board that this contract would be in the bag,
and now I'm going to have to tell them
that we can't meet our profit target.
[Knock on door]
Howie, there's a call for you on line two.
Can't you see I'm in a meeting, June?
Who is it?
He didn't say.
Just said it was very important.
Sorry, Nigel, I'd better take this.
Howard Scott.
Howard, I'm handing you over to Challinor --
and he knows his theme tunes.
It's a bit sensitive, Nigel.
I'll just -- sorry.
Hello?
"Vision On."
It were, definitely.
[Humming tune]
No, this was "Vision On."
[Humming tune]
[Continues humming]
No, no, that were "Animal Magic."
[Laughs]
Look, stop arseing about, will you?
I'm trying to get some work done here!
You know that song I've just been humming?
It was "Animal Magic." Definitely.
No more calls.
Sorry, Nigel.
Things are getting very lax around here, Howard.
Half these journey logs aren't even filled in properly.
Look at this one.
What's that, eh? A joke?
Uh...
Colin Armstrong.
Colin's not really a paperwork sort of bloke.
Oh, isn't he?
But doesn't company policy clearly state that these
should be filled in at the end of each working day?
I'm asking you a question!
Yes.
Good.
Okay.
Right, well, I want Armstrong issued with a formal warning.
I don't think there's any need for that, Nigel.
Why not?
Because he's your mate?
This is what management is all about, Howard.
You can't have mates anymore.
You've got to get Armstrong in here and tell him straight --
one more foul-up, and he's out.
There's a little left to right.
He'll have to allow for the borrow.
No wind to speak of.
Settles over the putt.
This, for the title --
Yow -- ooh!
You ***!
Unlucky.
That was in all the way!
You'll have to tell Howard his record's safe.
Haven't seen a lot of him since his big promotion.
It wasn't really a promotion, Arnold.
He just got shunted sideways into a desk job.
They asked me to do it, but I told them no.
I need my freedom.
Out here, with the people.
Actually, best make a move.
ARNOLD: Have you not got two minutes for a quick cuppa?
Only it's me birthday today,
so I've got little something to go with it.
Florida --
three and a half thousand --
Family of four, Orlando, £4,200.
We might as well forget it.
We should look on the Internet.
you can get some great deals there.
Dad'll help us -- he's getting really good on the computer now.
I should start brushing up --
you can't get a job these days without computer skills.
What do you want a job for?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know if I do or I don't.
I don't want Howard just treating me like a housewife.
Well it's up to you, Pauline,
but these years, they're so precious, you know.
You don't get them back.
You'll turn round one day and she'll be all...grown up.
JACKIE: Hello, madam.
What are you doing here?
Nothing.
It's lunchtime.
So who's this?
Oh, this is just Daniel from school.
Hello, "Just Daniel."
Why's he carrying your book bag?
I haven't got time to stand here all day, talking all day.
I've only got an hour.
Come on!
[Laughing]
Poor sod.
It's just like watching you bossing Colin around.
See, that's why I want to go away --
I mean, how many more holidays is she going to come with us on?
Only me!
Sit down, Col.
How was Valerie Sunday morning, Nigel?
Hope she wasn't as bad as me.
We need to have a chat with you, Col.
Sure.
Mr. Cockburn and I have some concerns
about your paperwork.
Go on.
COCKBURN: Or rather the total lack of it.
The terms of your contract clearly state
that all journey logs must be completed on a daily basis.
You are in breach of company policy,
and therefore Mr. Scott will issue you with a formal warning.
Is that right, Mr. Scott?
Yes.
So, what is it?
Are you going to give me a yellow card?
Should I call my lawyer?
Don't be stupid, Colin,
I just have to advise you that a written warning
will be put on your file.
Oh, ***! I haven't got time for this.
I've been out grafting all day and you call me in for this?
COCKBURN: I advise you to take this very seriously, my friend.
The company take a very dim view of --
Oh, shut up, Nigel, you pompous little twit.
What's the matter, somebody nicked your dinner money?
That's enough, Colin.
Armstrong?
What?
I find your behavior very...
erratic.
You seem very aggressive.
I'm not aggressive.
It's you -- you make me aggressive.
Have you been drinking?
No.
In that case, you won't mind giving us
a urine sample, will you?
[Exhales sharply]
Are you taking the ***?
[Liquid flowing]
And there's a lovely head on it for you, Nigel.
COLIN: We're home!
Where the hell have you been?
Yeah, sorry.
Howard was in an important meeting with Cockburn.
Weren't you, Howard?
You knew we were coming round here tonight.
Couldn't you have made the effort for me?
Just this once?
It was kind of sprung on me, wasn't it?
Never mind, you're here now. Come on, let's eat.
Kids -- your tea's ready.
[Sniffs]
Homemade chicken curry, Howard!
[Knock on door]
Only me!
BROOKE: He's not my boyfriend.
He's just a nice lad.
I like talking to him.
And snogging him.
I've seen them. They do it with tongues.
Shut up, you little geek.
He's such a liar.
You mind your own business.
Why don't you invite Daniel round for tea?
Yeah, that's a good idea. Invite him round.
Then I'll chop him up and hide his body in the freezer.
-[Growling] -BROOKE: I'm not bothered. He's not a boyfriend.
You're too young to be mucking around with lads.
Your mum and auntie Pauline never started courting
until they'd finished school.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Regular little nuns, we were.
Only ever after one thing, lads.
You're right there, Eric.
-That's true. -JACKIE: And they should know.
Right pair of Casanovas, them two.
-Really? -Oh, yeah.
None of those Geordie girls were safe, apparently.
That's what your Nana Armstrong said.
So did you two have a lot of girlfriends?
Well, I did.
Your uncle Howard, he was more into Subbuteo.
HOWARD: Get lost!
I had just as many as you.
Karen Hotchkiss,
Julie Peabody, Yvonne Aston --
All right, Howard.
Hang on -- Julie Peabody,
she was my girlfriend.
And Yvonne Aston was the woman off "The Golden Shot."
No, that was Anne Aston.
Yvonne Aston lived in Wallsend.
I went out with her and her mate,
the one with the funny teeth.
[Laughs]
I had loads of girlfriends. I was famous for it!
Nothing in a skirt was safe.
Pack it in, will you!
I'll go.
Liam, Leyton -- bath.
Are you all right?
I'm sorry.
I'm just so jumpy all the time these days.
Why, what's the matter?
Nothing.
This and that.
He wound me up tonight by turning up so late.
He didn't even get back in time to see Victoria
before she went to bed.
That didn't matter.
Work comes first with him, Jackie.
Before everything.
Why can't he be more like Colin?
You know, Sometimes I wish to God
he'd never taken that promotion.
Oh, you don't mean that.
He's done so well to get where he is.
Don't ask me.
I think I should go in.
I've told you my opinion.
They'll make it perfectly clear when you're wanted.
Then you go in and apologize.
Apologize for what?
I haven't got a clue -- just apologize, anyway --
you'll have done something wrong somewhere along the line.
Well, I think you should go in now, Uncle Howie.
It shows you care.
Exactly.
Do you think?
I feel like I'm cracking up, Jackie.
JACKIE: But why?
He won't make love to me anymore.
You what?
Not for ages.
We're still very affectionate round the house,
always kissing and cuddling and that.
But when we go to bed -- nothing.
Don't tell anyone, will you?
No, of course not.
Oh, love, it's the baby.
Every couple goes through this.
Did you?
Yeah.
It's really common.
We went through so much to have Victoria, you know.
And he just dotes on her.
I mean, I'm not jealous.
How can you be jealous of your own baby?
But --
I just don't seem to get a look in.
And I just feel
so unattractive.
[Knock on door]
Can I come in?
Yeah. Come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so tired at the moment.
Of course you are.
You're looking after my baby.
JACKIE: Is everything all right with Howard at work?
COLIN: As far as I know.
JACKIE: Stop it.
Pauline says he's really down.
He has been under a lot of pressure.
Hang on -- he's got a three series Beamer
and he's just had Sky Plus installed --
what's he got to be down about?
JACKIE: I said, stop it!
They're going through a really bad time -- don't you care?
At this particular moment in time, Jackie,
to be quite honest, no, I don't.
JACKIE: God, you're sex mad, you are.
COLIN: Me?!
Nothing else matters to you, does it?
I'm sorry, you're right.
Yeah, we should talk about it.
Forget it.
Oh, Jackie, please?
Don't beg.
Colin, they're ready for you, love.
Sit down, Col.
Take a look at this.
What's this?
It's the results of the tests on your urine sample.
It's come up positive for alcohol.
No.
That's impossible.
Did you have any alcohol at all yesterday?
Did you have anything that contained alcohol?
No!
No.
Oh, well -- no.
Well, what?
Well, it was Arnold's birthday.
I've known him for years, Arnold.
We deliver his models for him --
eight-foot replica of the Golden Gate Bridge last month.
Happy birthday, Arnold!
Yeah, happy birthday, Arnold.
He'd put a tiny nip of rum, in my coffee, see?
I didn't realize he'd done it until I drank it.
So when he said he had something for me,
I thought he meant a piece of cake.
Not a nip of rum.
So you admit consuming alcohol
whilst in charge of one of our vehicles?
Oh, come on, it was just a tiny nip.
I think that's pretty clear-cut, don't you, Howard?
Oh, I don't know about that, Nigel.
It was only a very small amount -- I mean,
he wouldn't have failed a breathalyzer, would he?
This company has zero tolerance policy towards alcohol
as far as our drivers are concerned.
Yes, zero tolerance, which is why...
I'm suspending you, Colin.
You're suspending me!
Suspending him!
I want him dismissed, Howard, right now.
Yes, suspending him, forthwith.
I'm the manager here, and I'll deal with him in my own way.
We're going through the proper procedures.
All right, look, Nigel,
I know what this is all about.
I'm a mouthy idiot, and I rub you up the wrong way,
and I should not have danced
with Valerie the other night, I'm sorry.
So from now on, my attitude will be spot on, 100%.
I don't take any pleasure in this, Colin.
It's nothing personal.
All right, what do you want?
Do you want me to beg?
Because I will.
Please, Nigel.
I need this job.
I've got a family.
I've got three kids!
Well, it's kids that I'm thinking about.
All those kids walking about out there
with a drunk driver on the loose.
I wasn't drunk, right?
I was not bloody drunk.
Give me your keys, Col, and leave the premises.
ERIC: Here, how about this one?
Dishwasher, washing machine, tumble dryer,
waste disposal unit --
I'm not bothered about a waste disposal unit.
Where's the swimming pool?
Hold on, hold on.
Ah, ah!
Private pool, 28 foot by 14 foot.
Hey, king-size beds!
The kids get in with us all the time.
Come on -- how much is it?
Bloomin 'eck.
£650 a week!
That's brilliant!
Hey, get the details. I'm going to ring Pauline.
Well, don't hang about, because it'll go.
Forgive me if I don't buy you a drink, Howard,
only I'm having to tighten my belt.
Get lost, will you!
Just shut up and listen.
The important thing is, you've been suspended, not sacked.
Oh, that's great. Great.
Which means you'll still get paid for the time being --
which was why I was trying to shut you up
and get you out of there
before you punched him or something.
And I bloody should have --
I was that far away from smacking him one, I tell you.
Yeah, well, at least we've bought you a bit of time.
How long?
I don't know.
Depends how long we can drag it out for.
I mean, you can insist on having your B sample tested,
go through the proper disciplinary procedures --
maybe a month.
-I'm -- -Sorry.
Best I could do.
Oh, ***!
Don't. All right?
The last thing I need right now from you is sympathy.
What am I going to do?
We'll sort something out.
What if I just don't tell her?
Well, how would that work?
I leave the house every morning with you,
and I'll go off and I'll play pool or something,
and come home at 6:00.
It worked for that bloke.
What bloke?
He lost his job, and didn't tell his wife,
and then him and his mates, they got together
and earned loads of money from stripping.
Colin?
Are you talking about "The Full Monty"?
Yeah.
That was a film.
It doesn't work like that.
Don't treat her like an idiot.
She'll find out sooner or later.
You know she will.
Just go in there and tell her.
Yeah.
Yes.
You're right.
Good luck, mate.
Oh, Mum! Stop being so tight.
No! I've told you.
You had 20 quid at the weekend. There's no more.
COLIN: Hiya.
-Hiya, you all right? -Yeah.
-Look, Dad. -Oh!
Oh, that's lovely, son. Is that Mummy?
No, it's a whale.
Sorry, but it does look like you.
I thought that bit was your hair.
Move your pencil case.
Dad, can I have some money?
JACKIE: And don't try getting round your dad --
he's still paying off your last phone bill,
£32.50.
And don't give in to her.
I won't.
How was work?
Oh, it was different.
JACKIE: Yeah?
Want to talk about it?
A little problem with Cockburn.
We'll talk about it later.
HOWARD: Hello?
Where's my favorite girl?
Where is she, in bed?
Yeah, she had a run round the park earlier, and she's sparko.
I thought we'd have a nice romantic dinner here.
It's probably best she's in bed.
Something happened at work today --
Oh, can't it wait till later?
I want to tell you about this villa
Jackie's found for us in Florida.
And you haven't said anything about my hair.
Look, I've had it done.
Yeah.
I thought I'd get a bit of color into it.
Brighten myself up a bit.
Colin's got the sack.
So what happened at work?
Jackie --
BROOKE: Right, I'll see you in the morning.
Hang on -- where are you going?
Round Sheree's.
They've got a training day at school tomorrow --
they've got the day off.
And I shall ask Sheree's mum
if Daniel turns up -- don't think I won't.
So, go on.
You were saying you had trouble with Cockburn?
Yeah, he had me in the other day, and --
Only me!
Hiya, Dad.
Boys! Your granddad's here!
You all right, lad? How's work?
Oh, it's fine.
You know, usual.
Granddad!
Where are you off to?
We're going round Granddad's to watch a video.
ERIC: Aye, "Bridge Over the River Kwai,"
double bill with "Dam Busters."
Can I take my gun, Granddad?
Course you can, lad. Hey!
Shoot the Jerries and the ***, eh?
Be good, you two.
ERIC: We'll see you two in the morning.
They're sleeping over?
Yeah. We got the place to ourselves.
All night.
Jackie, Cockburn had me in and --
Oh -- I nearly forgot.
I've got a nice surprise for you.
Wait in here a minute --
Stupid, stupid idiot.
What was he thinking of?
I just didn't know what to do.
I can't help thinking --
-What? -I'm to blame.
How is it your fault?
I should stopped it happening.
I should have stuck up for him more, Pauline.
Promise me, Howard, you won't do anything stupid.
He's my mate.
Can I come up yet?
JACKIE: No, I said wait.
Just be patient.
I promise you it's worth it.
Right, I'm ready when you are.
JACKIE: Just a minute.
Nearly there.
Okay, I'm ready for you.
Jackie?
JACKIE: Colin...
What are you doing?
You said a nice surprise.
Yeah -- this!
You said a nice surprise!
And nice surprise, when we have the house to ourselves
and I have to wait in another room,
means, at the very least,
stockings and suspenders, Jackie.
Oh, you silly sod.
Look, I've found us a holiday villa in Florida.
Come on, come and have a look.
Look -- 28-foot private pool,
four bedrooms, so we can all stay together,
king-sized beds, fifteen minutes from Disney --
and you're not going to believe the price.
King-sized beds?
JACKIE: King-sized.
Two weeks, 650 quid each,
us two and Howard and Pauline.
It's a complete bargain!
Me and me dad found it this afternoon.
He said I should book it straightaway,
but I wanted to see what you thought.
Please, can we?
COLIN: What, now?
Please.
Oh, please, I'm really excited.
It's our first trip to America.
COLIN: £650.
JACKIE: Yeah, well, then you have to get the flights.
So it's about two grand, all in.
£2,000?
But that's a really good price.
And it'd make me ever so happy.
And ever so grateful.
Grateful?
Go on, then.
But --
you have to take your clothes off first.
What?
It says so in the terms and conditions.
[Door opens]
Mum?
Dad?
JACKIE: Do we want smoking or nonsmoking?
Nonsmoking.
COLIN: Would you like a welcome pack?
Yeah.
Would you like me to turn the heating up for you?
JACKIE: No, love.
Just shut the door on your way out.
What are you doing here!
I forgot my phone.
Well, don't sneak up on us like that!
Me and your dad were just --
-COLIN: Playing a game. -JACKIE: Messing about.
Shouldn't you be at Sheree's or something?
Well, hop it.
Brooke!
Have fun.
-COLIN: Cheeky little -- -JACKIE: Nearly finished.
Okay. It's ready to go.
You send it.
-Shall we send it? -Yeah, you send it.
JACKIE: Yeah!
We're going to Florida!
We're going to Florida!
We're going to Florida!
Hey, do you think she's gone?
Definitely.
Oh, Howard, best sex of the year.
Goes straight into the all-time top ten.
You know, off the top of me head --
that time in the sea at Fuerteventura,
it's the only thing that comes close.
-You didn't tell her? -No.
No, I traded in honesty and consideration, courage --
plus a two-grand holiday I can't afford --
I traded it all in for one truly fantastic session.
I had every intention of doing the decent thing, Howard.
But he, you know --
he looked up at me and he said,
"Are you out of your mind?"
So when are you going to tell her?
When I go home with a new job.
Like in the film.
Well you'd better get one in the next --
four minutes.
Why?
Because I told Pauline what happened.
She's going round to talk to Jackie about the holiday.
[Brakes screech]
Why did you tell Pauline?
You told me you were going to tell Jackie!
How long have you known me?
Since when do I start telling the truth straightaway?
For God's sake, get on the phone to Pauline.
She can't say anything to Jackie!
She's not going to listen to me.
She's your wife, isn't she?
Hi, darling.
Hiya.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm just about to put the kettle on, actually --
Pauline's on her way round.
Oh, here she is. Hiya.
Hiya!
[Mobile rings]
Hello?
Yeah, I'm just there now.
Oh, nothing, nothing --
Oh, hang on a minute, I'm just going inside.
Pauline, don't go in.
Jackie, don't let her go in.
Don't let who go in? What are you talking about?
PAULINE: What are you talking about?
-Nothing. -Nothing.
Love, you're not making any sense.
I'll talk to you later --
What gas? There's no gas to go and turn off.
We're electric.
No, no -- don't hang up.
Sweetheart, don't hang up --
[Hangs up]
Jackie, just get out of the house!
Don't talk to her, Jackie.
Jackie!
Jackie --
[Hangs up]
Top ten, though, Col.
That's got to count for something, hasn't it?
[Mobile rings]
Hello?
Yes, darling.
Right away.
Hi, darling.
Oh! Jackie!
[Groans]
And you say you had every intention of telling me?
Yeah.
But when it became apparent there was going to be sex,
I didn't want to spoil the mood.
So you had good sex under false pretenses, in effect.
Yes, I did.
How much did you have to drink?
It was just a nip, I swear.
Who did you have this drink with?
Arnold.
He runs the crazy golf on Southport sea front.
It was his birthday.
How do you know him?
I play crazy golf on his course when I'm supposed to be working.
-Are you lying? -No.
Carol, can you take that to Dispatch, please?
I know it can't have been easy for you, Howard,
this Armstrong business,
but you have to look at the bigger picture.
Huh. I've been on to the agencies all day,
trying to find a relief driver.
Well, let's not be too hasty there.
Sorry?
Well, as I say, it can't have been easy for you
to sack Armstrong.
Suspend him.
Yeah, suspend him, pending sacking him.
But now that you have,
we should take stock of things for a moment.
How do you mean?
Well, when we get an unexpected chance to cut operating costs,
we should grab it, don't you think?
Cut operating --
Costs. Yes.
Now, what would happen if we don't replace Colin?
I don't know what you mean, Nigel.
Well, we'd reduce the wage bill, for one thing.
Help the profit margin.
But beyond that, we'd be rooting out
a nasty little tumor from this company.
I've never liked Armstrong.
Colin's a good worker.
Your loyalty is commendable, Howard,
but the time has come to discard the baggage
and move on with your life.
I think you've got me wrong, Nigel.
Very wrong, indeed.
Oh, please spare me the working-class sob story.
The man's a loser.
A loser and a waster.
Don't talk about him like that.
I just felt so ashamed,
like I'd let you all down.
But I'll get another job, don't worry.
And we will go to Florida -- I promise.
JACKIE: I don't care about that.
I care that you were too frightened to tell me.
Look, you're an idiot, of course you are.
But you're my husband, and I love you.
And when something like this happens, you've got to tell me.
Not so I can have a go at you.
So I can help.
God, I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
I mean, there was Howard in judgment over me,
telling me I was going to lose my job.
But he tried to help you, didn't he?
Yeah. That made it worse.
Jackie, It's always been me who's stuck up for him.
You know, when we were kids,
if he was being picked on or anything -- what?
[Laughs]
I'll never understand you two.
Come here.
It's going to be all right.
[Knock on door]
[Door opens]
JACKIE: What's up?
Howard's got some news.
What?
[Howard sighs]
Go on, tell them.
Will you be going out job hunting tomorrow?
Uh -- yeah.
Why?
I think I'd better join you.
What's happened?
I had a bit of a ruck with Cockburn this afternoon
and, well, the upshot is,
I'd better start looking for a new job.
Oh, no! No way!
What about the company car?
Colin, shut up!
You've got to think about Victoria now.
I told him that.
No, you go back there tomorrow,
smooth things over, and apologize.
Blame it all on Colin.
Eh?
Yeah, go on, don't be stupid, Howard.
Go on, tell them the rest.
I don't think it's going to be that easy.
Well, you know, I'm quite a big bloke
and it's a pretty small office,
and when I get upset, I get a bit clumsy.
Well, as I was leaving this afternoon,
I, um,
well, I twatted Nigel.
In fact, I think I might have knocked him out.
[Laughing]
Oh, God knows why I'm laughing.
June said it took three of them
to get him into a van and then drive him home!
I think he's coming round.
[All laughing]
I couldn't stop meself.
He was having a go at my mate, you know.
So I hit him.
Not very middle-class, eh, Col?
Come here, you big idiot.
Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment