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The sun has grown so very, very old. How long, cold, fading death? How long?
Welcome... to Night Vale.
Our top story: Last night's Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in
space-time screeched open in the Main Street Recreation Center auditorium,
setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons.
The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound
that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester,
and then kind of slowed down and amped up through some kind of open-source,
easy to use audio editing software. The pteranodons mostly attacked women with
glasses. Night Vale authorities are still unsure why, as Night Vale's only flying
dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year's bout with
throat spiders. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the
vortex and resume the meeting-- which had mostly been about recent lunchroom
price hikes, and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Wilman called
Diane Kreaton's son, Josh, "a bit tubby," and said that maybe he needs a financial
incentive to eat a bit less. In this reporter's opinion, Susan Wilman is dangerously
obsessed with the New York Times bestselling Freakonomics books.
Dangerously so.
...Fortunately, no one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts
from Timothy's Auditorium Repair Contractors, Inc. estimate that close to
$750,000 in damage has been done to the rec center auditorium-- and that
cost includes free storm windows and a complimentary seasonal insulation consultation.
It's election season again, and you know what that means! Sheriff's secret police
will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the
correct council seats and there's no confusion. These family members will be
held in a secure and undisclosed location ...which everyone knows is the
abandoned mine shaft outside of town. But don't let the name fool you, listeners!
It's been used for years, for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions, that
the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these
days, featuring king-size beds, free wi-fi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles! But,
eh, I don't think anyone's going to make the council use those. Remember,
this is America! Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again.
This message is brought to you by the City Council.
The Night Vale Daily Journal today announced that, due to the recent
economic downturn, they will start running ads on the front page. Any
business interested in running one of these "platinum premium" ads should
contact editor Leanne Hart. Hart mentioned that they have also created
a "write your own news story" program for interested citizens. Because every
writer has been laid off, the Daily Journal needs these community contributions to
supply Night Vale with important news and features!
The first platinum premium ad runs next Monday, and features the terrified face
of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone-sharpened
to a rough point, and the tagline "Better Use Tide!"
Hart also said that last year's explosion that decimated the Daily Journal
distribution plant is still "totally an accident", and would like her insurance
rep to call her back. Please, call her back.
City Council has asked me to read the following message: "If you notice strange
auras around any of the following objects in your house: blender, showerhead, dog,
husband, wife, table, chair, doorknob, baseboard, vacation souvenirs or photos,
collectibles of any kind (especially those depicting or involving horses), DVDs
(especially Cliffhanger, There's Something About Mary, and The Wire Season Four),
and any bagged lettuce from California or Mexico...please, report to the council
for indefinite detention."
Speaking of the City Council, it voted this week to remove the large, lead-plated
door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon. You know, the area
pulsing with green light and sotto voice bass humming. Proponents of the
measure claimed that the large, yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out,
"DANGER! PLUTONIUM! DO NOT OPEN DOOR; RISK OF DEATH"
were, at worst, an offensive eyesore and, at best, a "hacky sci-fi cliche". Many Night
Vale citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several angels--
although no angel is admitted to have been present for the City Council meeting,
or any other event ever, for that matter. Old Woman Josie agreed with the
measure, adding that "lead is a health hazard," and that the old door was
"nothing but a ticking time-bomb". According to the meeting minutes, Josie
said, "That old door! OOOOH, that door!! Someone's gonna get some
kinda lead poisoning!"
Carlos...beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks...reportedly was the only
dissenting voice, but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the
minutes only report him stating, "There is no time! No more time!" into a black
rectangle in his hand, and then running, winded, from the community hall.
According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect, and smelled
of lavender chewing gum.
More breaking news on the pteranodons!
We humbly offer the following retractions from our previous reports:
Secret police are now reporting that the offending beasts were not pteranodons
after all, but pterodactyls. Also, pteranodons aren't even dinosaurs, as the
station had previously stated-- just winged reptiles that lived about 70 million
years after pterodactyls. Finally, earlier we reported a death toll of 0, when, in
fact, the number is closer to 38. We regret these errors.
It's almost football season, and the Night Vale Scorpions are gearing up for a
defense of their high school division title! But really, as long as we beat Desert
Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine. Coach Nasir Al-Mujaheed
told reporters he's particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael
Sanderro made during the off-season after that sentient lightning bolt struck
him and gave him the strength of two Jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily
concussed Rene Descartes. But, if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this
year, and stave off the government- administered pestilence that follows
a losing season record, Sanderro will have to improve his accuracy! Last year,
Sanderro only completed two out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he
was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been
removed due to several overdue library books. Apparently, the off-season
lightning strike had healed Sanderro of his terminal ailments and court-ordered
amputations, and he's ready to take on Desert Bluffs-- which is probably the
WORST TEAM EVER. God. They're dreadful.
And now, an editorial: Let's talk for a moment about apartment building
etiquette! Now, I myself live in an apartment building. And there is a
compassion and acceptance you have to have for a certain level of annoyance. It's
people in close proximity to each other, and so there will be some things that you
don't like...and still have to let go. But, other things are absolutely unacceptable!
For instance: a certain level of strange, radiating light or heat on shared walls
is expected. But any oozings or visible membranes are rude and
thoughtless to all of your neighbors! Gibbering, howling, and chants in long-
dead languages are the kind of thing that is fine at 1 PM, but absolutely not fine at
1 AM. We are all in this together. Put your trash in the cans, not in the hallway
leading to the cans! Put on some clothes when standing in front of your windows,
and keep any rituals or crazed experiments to hours in which no one is
trying to sleep. It doesn't have to be hard.
We have a very unexpected treat today, dear listeners! Live, in the studio, we
have one of the mysterious hooded figures often seen around town. We did
not actually invite him here; he was just waiting for us when we unlocked the
studio this morning. He has not moved, nor spoken, since then-- and I'll be
honest, I am only guessing that "he" is a "he", because physical attributes are hard
to determine under these robes, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as
empty and as black as the void of space. But hey! We're doing radio! He's in a
radio station! Let's see if we can get an interview! Mr. Hooded Figure, how are
you doing today?
Ah! O-kay...care to comment on the recent expansion of the forbidden dog park?
... Any comments at all?
Anything you'd like to tell the ordinary folk of Night Vale about your organization?
Listeners, I'm not sure you can see this! It's not a problem with your radio or our
transmitters! The hooded figure is making those noises in our studio! It's pretty
annoying, actually! ALL RIGHT! I don't think he's going to stop,
and he's started to levitate, so... let's go to the weather!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word from secret police that the
rift in space-time opened at last night's PTA meeting has been sealed at last!
The final missing pterodactyl has been returned to its own timeline in either
prehistoric or alternate universe Night Vale! The creature's lifeless body was
found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of all flesh and
with most of its organs inverted and strung around its exposed skull like an
old-fashioned soft meats crown (as worn by the 18th-century religious leaders who
settled our fair burg). The dinosaur's body was returned to the vortex, the gateway
closed, and the PTA meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6 PM. That meeting
will continue to address the important issue of backpacks, and whether or not
they are causing autism. There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents
and teachers who lost their lives in the attack ...followed by a raffle! Remember,
winners must be present at the time of the drawing to claim their prizes.
City Council and the secret police have issued a reminder that Night Vale citizens
of all species, and all geologic eras, are not to enter, look at, or think too long
about the dog park. This reminder, they say, is completely unrelated to anything
that may, or may not, have happened today.
Coming up next: Stay tuned for our one-hour special, "Morse Code for Trumpet
Quintets"! And, listeners: Night Vale is an ancient place, full of history and secrets...
as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of
life...and of us. If you can see my signs, speaking live, then you know: We are not
history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that?
Goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.