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How to Break Up with Someone on Valentine’s Day. So you can’t wait a minute longer—you
have to break up today, even though it’s Valentine’s Day. Here’s how to do it without
getting your personal parts handed to you. You will need Courage Clichés and patronizing
speeches. Step 1. Take the cowardly way out and drop the bomb in an email. If you go with
this option, take the day off so you can barricade yourself inside your home. Push the heaviest
object you own against the front door. Or go on vacation. Step 2. Consider hiring a
professional breakup service. Some will do the deed in person, delivering a “Breakup
Basket” that can include a CD of classic break-up songs and plenty of chocolate. Pricey?
Yes. But remember all the money you’re saving on candlelit dinners. Step 3. Have a friend
handle the breakup for you. Pick someone who never liked your partner in the first place.
Step 4. If you can find the courage, do it in person. The classic setting is a fancy
restaurant, where your partner won’t want to make a scene. If you go with a restaurant,
order a drink and entrée that won’t stain, just in case it does end up dumped on your
head. Step 5. Brush up on cop-out clichés, like, “It’s not _you_; it’s _me_,”
“You deserve someone so much better,” and, “I just don’t know how to love.”
Step 6. Practice offering the usual patronizing speeches, like, “You’re going to meet
someone wonderful who truly appreciates you for how special you are.” Step 7. Rehearse
the following until you can sound sincere saying it: “I know. I’m a jerk. I don’t
deserve to be in the human race.” Step 8. Be prepared to answer the inevitable query,
“How could you do this to me on Valentine’s Day?!” The question will not be rhetorical.
Did you know Jennifer Lopez broke up with Sean “P. Diddy” Combs on Valentine’s
Day in 2001.