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***.
Fredster!
This stuff is *** rubbish,
by the way.
Stop stealing my
*** spliff!
Arghhh!
Morning, gents,
you thieving ***.
Come on,
I got you some breakfast.
They allowed to serve
lager at 8 in the morning?
I had a word
JJ's got some interesting thoughts
on the benefits of Carlsberg
as part of a balanced
dietary pattern.
Yeah?
Calorifically it's right up
there with 392 energy units,
which is nothing on the
Snickers Duo I'm having
which has the additional
drawback of 28 grams of fat.
Although I can call upon
which doesn't feature in your lager.
But you could argue in some sense
that hops constitute
one of your five a day.
That'll do me.
You not having that, Freds?
That's his fourth so far.
Is that a good idea?
We've college in half an hour.
You'll be carrying an
attention deficit into the day.
Attention deficit?
Intelligence deficit!
Pig!
Well, maybe I won't go then.
You're going to bunk
off your first day?
Freddie, mate,
the sun's shining.
We're bevvied,
spliffed and sorted.
Feels like the beginning of something.
So I'm waiting.
For what?
The signal.
We're starting college, Cook.
No, we're waiting.
Something's gotta start us off.
You're running a randomised
fate model to see
if you continue in
full time education?
I need motivation.
And it needs to
be better than sitting in the sun,
with you two, drinking beers
and smoking your blow.
Jensie!
Have the same again?
And sling a couple of
them cherry shots on top?
Cheers, darling.
Yes, I can feel it!
It's got potential, this day.
It's pregnant.
Shouldn't someone pick up that
bike before it causes an?
For ***'s sake! Jesus ***!
Where the *** did that?!
What the ***?!
Oh! Look at it! Look at it!
Look at my *** car!
You saw that, didn't you?
Did you!? Did you see it?!
I don't know.
You drove into the bollard.
I did not! The *** bike
jumped out in front of me!
You must have seen it,
you're my witness, right? Are you blind?
Why is everyone round
here *** blind?
That girl's looking
at you, Freddie.
Yeah.
Maybe she's looking at me.
She's not looking at you, JJ.
OK.
Nice hair.
Yeah.
She's got nice hair
and nice eyes.
And nice ***, probably.
Shut up, JJ.
Nipples.
We'll just imagine her bottom.
Where's your ***
white stick, woman?
She's absolutely lovely.
You are as stupid as you look!
Ah, for ***
I want your mobile number.
I don't have one.
Your *** email
address, then!
Look at the state
of my *** car!
You must have seen something,
you demented bint!
What What happened?
Is that your bike,
you *** idiot?!
I was signalling
you just kept coming
I didn't even see you!
You came out of
*** nowhere!
I was trying to make you see me.
You just kept coming, man!
No.
That's ***.
No.
Listen!
You *** my bike.
You just ran straight through me.
That is not right!
You haven't got a witness.
Nobody saw me knock
you off your bike.
I did.
It was just like he said!
You ran him over,
and now he's bleeding.
Profusely.
Perhaps we should
call a policeman.
I think it's a crime to
leave the scene of a
There's no need for that.
I'm sure we can sort this out.
Let me buy you a new bike
Look, here.
Come on, take it!
Take it!! Come on, have the lot.
Have the whole *** lot!
Oh, ***!
Forgive and forget, OK?
Forgive and forget, OK?
OK?! All right.
Everything all right, Gran?
Oh, yes.
Just a slight problem,
all sorted out now.
Yes.
He's a pillock,
he wrapped his car around that bollard,
and he's called me
a demented bint.
What the *** did you
say to my Gran, man?
Hello, nice to meet you
Don't ***, "Hello," me
Sweet.
Dad says some things are best
left to the imagination.
But that's not right, is it?
Your dad's a stupid ***, JJ.
Yes.
Do you think she's
going where we're going?
She is now.
There were always
two sides to this story
It was faith that led us here
Two lazy bells
We saw wings that
cling and wings that fell
All our time
It's easy to see all
these changes for me
But all of these
things Do not compare
Not anywhere no
Near the way we do
Through all of this life
There's you.
Aarrgh!
Mum! Mum! Emily hit me! Aargh!
Emily? Are you hitting James?
Sorry! Accident
Argh! That was my
bloody widdler!
Shut up or I'll tell
her what you were doing.
I've got a natural curiosity
for a boy of my age.
*** off.
And I know it's
you stealing the knickers.
They better not be
sticky when I find them.
Get the *** out
of there, ***!
Mum! Mum! Who?
It's me, Emily.
Tell her to get out of the shower.
She's making me late for college.
Gotta dash.
Remember to make
a packed lunch for James.
No!
Why don't you get Katie to?
Good luck at college.
Remember to smile.
*** hell!
You've used all
the *** water!
Jesus! ***!
Oh, for ***'s sake!
You pervy little ***.
Ow Ow! Mum!
She's gone to work, loser.
Ow!
*** hell.
How many times are you gonna do that?
I need to wash my
hair and you've
I knew this top would
look *** bad-***.
It's mine.
Yeah.
Aren't you glad
I made you buy it?
Get dressed, though.
We're gonna be late.
I dunno where
you got this thong,
but it's properly
cutting me in half.
You could give it back.
Sorry.
You know it doesn't
look as good on you.
Oh, there's Danny.
Hey, cutey!
I'm just coming.
Hooo!
I'm telling you, college?
First day? You need to get ready.
Cos we're not waiting for you.
What about my packed lunch?
*** off.
You shave your *** with
Dad's Gillette Mach3.
WU-TANG CLAN: Shame On A ***
So Tommo goes up
the inside, right?
I drop back to cover
Marco and Keeno.
Took a one-two from Jonno,
he's gone, "Danno!"
So I drag back over the ball.
Looked up,
chipped the centre back Boff!
Sambo's in on goal.
Sambo?
He's got a lovely sense of rhythm.
Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl?
That's for me to know and
you to find out, Danny.
Nice one! Nice one, yeah?
Score one for me, honey.
Laters, babe.
See you, Danny.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Renault Megane Coupe!
*** bag
Here, Ems?
Ems?
Yeah?
You oughta spruce up, yeah?
Get some decent threads like Katie.
We're having a party in the
Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday.
Party fun, yeah? The lads,
they love a twin thing, you know?
That's sweet of you, Danny.
Can I get back to you on that?
Yeah, yeah.
Nice one.
Are you Danny?
That gas-head footy player?
Yup
My mate Janice wants
you to sign her ***.
Let me park up.
Your boyfriend's well mint.
Yeah.
He's totally fit.
He took me to the Stakis Grand last
week for surf, turf and shots.
Oooh.
I love Danny
Guillermo.
Wow.
Safe.
Lush.
Foxy.
Oh, yeah, cute.
He's signing Samantha's ***!
Bonkers!
What's surf and turf, Eff?
Sex.
Wow! We'll have a whizzer
time at this college, Eff!
I'm definitely going to
have surf and turf, ASAP.
Mum says boys only
want one thing
so my plan is give it to them,
lots of times.
That way I'll get good at it,
be really popular
and maybe my toes
will stop throbbing.
Bye!
Christ's sakes, Ems.
Come on, you loser!!
Oh
What's wrong with you?
You're always lagging behind me.
Why can't you wear
decent clothes?
Right.
You hate her.
Who do I hate, Eff?
I'll let you know.
Cool.
Let's get this party started.
You want a lollipop?
No.
I know I've got
work to do But hey
My will to move or
even use my brain
Is weathered by
eternal English rain
And when the talk show ends,
I scream
Right at the screen for more
Pregnant teens I
can't fall asleep
It's almost three
So I water the flowers
out on the street
And I spent 5 hours on
the net last night
She smiled at me.
Cool.
She, erm,
didn't smile at you, JJ.
I think you'll find she did.
Mum was right.
A lack of ***
hair isn't necessarily a drawback.
It is a drawback.
Girls are more interested in
my character than my ***.
That's just been proved.
She was not looking at you.
*** me, you're blind.
On the contrary.
My eyesight is keen.
Yeah? How many fingers
am I holding up?
F Ow!
You always do that!
I've got so much *** hair
I can backcomb it and
use it like a lure.
Nice.
Like a Porcupine.
Right, you're all prick.
Toosh.
You mean touche.
Probably.
***.
Nice.
Here we go.
'Welcome to Roundview College.
A meeting place for young people.
'
God help me.
Lovely kids.
So full of energy.
Makes you feel alive.
They look like a right
peck of *** to me.
If I suddenly get a bit
flushed and short of breath,
take over, would you, Doug?
Why would you get flushed?
Just *** do it, ok?!
No problem.
Flushed.
Right you are.
Could I have your
attention, please?
Yes, we are starting.
Excuse
Attention!
Pay attention, look you!
Thank you, Doug.
Welcome to Roundview College.
We are a designated four star
educational establishment
under the National We're All
In It Together Initiative
leading to Ultimate
Improvement status.
Anyone who screws that up will be
officially burnt at the stake.
And expelled.
Yes, and expelled.
God help you all, you're gonna get
some qualifications.
Any questions?
PFFRT!
Thank you.
Now before I turn
you over to your form tutors,
I'd like to tell you something about
the way in which we organise our
PFFRT!
Right! Very funny.
This is a further education college,
not a primary school.
PFFRT!
Stop it! Stop it!
I'll cut your balls off,
you cheeky little turds!
You hear me?
I do apologise.
I think I might be at fault.
Too much rhubarb on
my Ready Brek.
Havoc.
Right.
You are looking a little flushed.
Do you want me to?
No! No.
Just
Last year,
we had some intolerable incidents
so, I want to make
this easy for you.
The following will result in instant
expulsion - smoking on the premises,
setting fire to the premises,
consumption of alcohol
on the premises,
consumption of drugs on the premises,
consumption of ***
on the premises, teacher abuse,
glue abuse, self abuse,
*** intercourse with any
other student, teacher or animal
or combination of the above
including oral sex and/or use
of sex toys, on the premises.
That was nasty
Miss Reedy,
our new head of communications.
Miss Reedy is
joining us from
Where are you joining us from?
Um, I had some time off.
Seven years.
It was stress-related but feeling
a bit better now, hopefully
Oh, Christ.
Form BD1, say your name,
please, when I
Put your hands up, please,
when I call your, erm, name.
Emily Fitch?
Katie Fitch?
Jonah Jeremia Jones?
JJ, present.
James Cook?
Yo!
Elizabeth Stonem?
Mavis Jarundi?
Dobrislawa W
Wieczorek? I'm sorry,
you're foreign.
Frederick Mclair?
Yes.
Yes!
Denise Adebeyor?
Yes.
Yes!
The integrity of the unit is preserved.
I'm still deeply
unhappy with you, mind,
on account of the
unwarranted violence.
All right, I said I'm sorry.
And Naomi Campbell?
Naomi Campbell?
Naomi Campbell?!
*** hell
Hey, Naomi.
Now I get it.
You got anger management issues.
Only when I talk to wankers.
Cool.
You gonna hit me
with your shoe now, or?
I like her.
Oh, Christ.
Same *** form.
Hey, babe?
Babe? Babe?
Babe?
Babe?
Sorry.
I'm not a babe.
No? Well,
I'll be the judge of that.
Shut up, Cook.
Sorry about him.
Listen, trying to
break the ice.
Guess what I've got
tattooed on my ***?
Cook
No, go on.
Guess.
What would you say?
Excuse me?
Yes? What is it?
The boy next to me is
acting inappropriately.
How?
He wants to show me his tattoo.
And not in a nice way.
Right.
You!
Me?
Yes! Why don't you show us
all your pathetic tattoo.
We can wonder at its
magnificent stupidity.
I don't think you'd like it.
Right lad! Smartish!
You've had an instruction.
Show her the tattoo, now!
All right.
Wait.
No, no, no!
Cook, wait, no.
Please, please!
That is ***' impressive,
so it is.
No, no, no, no, no! Let me out!
Let me out!
Don't make me stay.
Let me out!
This is
unacceptable.
Unacceptable!
Silence.
Silence! Silence! You, silence!
PF-F-FFRT!
I do apologise again.
If I ever, ever see your
face in this office again
Get out!
GET OUT!
GET OUT!
Did she expel you?
For what?
Well, getting your
*** out in Assembly.
I'm guessing,
but it's possibly frowned upon.
Even in the state sector.
She understood the bind I was in.
I was doing what I was told.
Very accommodating.
There was something about removing
my *** with a monkey wrench
if she ever saw them again.
I think we reached
an understanding.
Right.
To business.
You mean education?
Women, JJ.
Women?
Um I mean,
I feel like we might be
I don't want to sort of
run before I can walk
Wow.
Girls!
There's a lot of them.
Yep.
So much choice.
It's disconcerting.
No, it's just a matter of sorting
out the wheat from the chavs.
Ah, there we are.
And the wolf shall lie
down with the lamb.
You think she'd
lie down with me?
No!
Yeah? Well, that line is
wrong and popularly misquoted.
It should read: 'The wolf also
shall dwell with the lamb,
'and the leopard shall
lie down with the kid,
'and the lion and the calf together
and a little child shall lead them.
'
Yeah.
We'll try and pick
the bones out of that, J.
I could show her one
of my magic tricks.
Dad says it's an ice-breaker.
Yeah? Let's try that out, then,
before we go leaping in, and we can
see who gets the fatted calf, right?
OK.
Yeah, you.
Darling, my mate wants to try out
his pick-up routine on you.
That OK?
Hey.
Hi, I'm JJ.
Pack of cards.
Nothing funny about them.
Except one minute
they're blue and
Hi.
Hi.
You don't mind if
I take this locker?
You can take anything
if you want it enough.
Great.
Everything's new and I
suppose we should probably, like,
you know,
all get to know each other.
Why?
Well, um
I dunno.
You definitely looked at
me this morning, twice.
I just thought, you know,
maybe we could get to know each other.
I look at lots of people.
That doesn't mean I want
to get to know them.
Do you want me to want
to get to know you?
I, er, I wouldn't mind.
Thing is,
they want to get to know me too.
They're just wankers.
They're your best friends.
OK, so they're my best friends.
That makes it complicated.
I, um, I was hoping not.
I'm Freddie.
Tell you what, Freddie.
Fill in a form.
What's this?
A list of things we're
not allowed to do.
Like that head director said before
your bestest mate got his *** out.
I was gonna see if I could tick
'em all before the end of the day.
But this is much
more interesting.
First one to fill
that out gets to
.
.
get to know me.
And no cheating.
I'll need evidence.
OK.
Cos I wouldn't *** a cheat.
Sorry?
Now watch very closely.
Oh! Where's it gone?
Presto!
Presto!
Put that away before I lose it.
*** me!
Yes, that's alarming.
So I'll just
Ha ha!
And the coup de grace.
Prestissimo!
Yeah!
Magic!
Question is, pet, does that make
you want to give JJ a ***?
Excuse me,
are you *** deaf or something?
Yes, I am deaf.
So why don't you
give him a *** if
you love him so much?
Tossers.
Especially you.
Who are we speaking to here?
Pixie's lip reading.
I'm telling you what she says.
Right, right.
Cool.
She's got *** like choccy Hob Nobs.
I'd like to dunk 'em,
suck 'em and lick off the love.
I'm not sure
Droopy, lardy ***.
Bit spready, bit low slung.
You get me?
I think we've stumbled upon
a flaw in your thinking.
Listen I mean, wait.
Hang on.
Presto.
You cunting
small-balled arsehole bandit.
She may be deaf,
she's also extremely rude.
Yeah.
SANTOGOLD: Shove It
It's bloody annoying they
put us in different forms.
I mean, OK, I'm totally useless
and Mum says I have to do Hair & Beauty,
but I'm good at Philosophy.
I can't understand why I
can't do Hair and Philosophy.
You can't cos it turns out Hair
& Beauty is one subject, not two.
Blooming Nora, how mad is that?
It's inexplicable, Pandora.
Yeah.
Inexplicable.
What does inexplicable
mean, Eff?
Can't explain.
All right! Suit yourself, then.
Whoa!
Hi, I'm Katie.
I'm Bruno and what do you know?
Hello!
Who's your friend?
Pandora.
Wow! You're a corker.
Thanks, um
It's nice to I got to go.
Strewth! Do you think he'd do
surf and turf with me, Eff?
I'll ask.
Gotta go.
Lesson one, practical skills.
Filing our nails - handy!
I'm Pandora.
I'm useless.
Cute.
I'm Katie, that's my sister.
Aren't you Effy Stonem?
Haven't you got a really cool brother?
Yeah, he's cool.
All my friends fancied him.
I wasn't so fussed.
Didn't he go mental?
Anyway I've got a boyfriend.
He plays for Bristol
Rover reserves.
Impressive.
Yeah.
He's well lush.
Let's sit together.
We can chat because,
you know
We're the best-looking in here, really.
Sorry but we are.
We should hang out.
Definitely.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Total lezzer ***.
Excuse me.
Like, don't talk to her.
She tried
to snog my sister at middle school.
Pervy.
Don't you think, Eff?
Watch out, Katie.
I might get confused
and *** you with my
big strap-on by mistake.
***-munching ***.
Just jumped on you,
didn't she
Leave it, Katie.
Whatever.
Come on.
We'll get the best seats, yeah?
So, you the doormat, then?
Sort of.
Interesting, that you
just put up with that.
Yeah.
It's a challenging list.
You gotta give her that.
Sex in school.
Tricky.
Guys, we are now
seven minutes -
eight minutes late for form induction.
Shut up, will you, JJ?
Do you think she's serious?
There's only one
way to find out.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna
I've already got
'teacher abuse' ticked.
And how!
Your *** should not be that colour.
The game is on, Freddie.
You wanna play?
Don't be stupid.
Tell you what,
girls like Stupid.
Ain't you worked that out?
And McFly.
Girls like McFly.
She's a naughty, naughty little girl
and I don't like to disappoint.
Eh?
Someone's left
their *** in here.
Yeah!
Nice!
Check this out!
Oh, my god.
Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal.
Oh, that's definitely
not legal!
Dunno who this Sid guy was but he's
got *** great taste in gash.
I can't look.
Don't make me look.
I have to look.
Oh, holy ***!
That's forbidden.
Forbidden, verboten, interdit.
JJ!
Prohibido, prohibido! JJ! JJ!
I'm sorry.
Was I getting locked on, there?
Locked on, JJ.
OK.
I'm all right.
I'm fine.
But can I just remind you,
in a casual, non-locked-on way,
that we're late?
We're late,
we're late, we're late!
JJ!
Sorry.
I'm fine.
We going?
Hang on.
Shoot me.
Huh?
The *** camera.
Go on.
Right, action.
Cook, what the ***
are you doing?
Action.
Do it, man!
I was saving this for
lunch but what the ***?
Cheers!
What the *** are you doing?
Whoa! Jesus!
*** me.
Christ.
Sorted.
You are *** mental.
Mental is as mental does.
But we're late.
Shall we?
Let's go.
Come on, run!
So, you see,
they don't mean it.
That's what you
have to remember.
They're just kids.
Kids! Yes?
I, um, I suppose so.
They don't mean it.
Have you ever
fallen off a horse?
Huh?
You have to drink your milk and
get straight back on that horse.
OK? Back.
Yes?
Uggy uggy uggy!
What?
Kids.
Cheeky, immature.
Harmless.
They
can't hurt you.
OK?
OK.
They can't hurt me.
Good girl.
Saddle up!
ARGH!
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly
Smooth the cuticle, push.
Smooth the cuticle, push.
Remember to breathe.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Yes.
I'm sorry
We're filing.
What is it?
Well, um,
blimey this is fascinating.
Mega fun.
But the thing is
I have to get out of here.
Sorry?
I have to go because I've got
three super-duper zits coming on.
They're likeproper seepers.
Oh, my God!
Yes, Go! Go!
For God's sake go!
Refresh and moisturise.
Don't waste a second.
Yes.
Refresh and I'm on it!
Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Blooming 'eck.
It's big out here.
Right.
Um Now we've gotta
Christ.
*** it.
OK.
***, ***, ***.
Um OK.
Whatever
We've gotta stand up,
say our names and a unique
fact about ourselves.
Right.
I'll start.
Christ.
I'm Kieran and I hate being
a *** teacher.
You.
Um I'm JJ and with regard
to mathematic aptitude
I'm in the top 0.
3% of the
population which is an interesting
demographic statistic because
paradoxically my communication,
interpersonal and intuitive skills
are towards the lower quartiles.
Yeah.
You've stopped me in my
*** tracks there, yeah.
You.
I'm Katie.
I've never not had a
boyfriend since I was seven.
Congratulations.
You.
I'm Emily.
I've never had a boyfriend.
*** happens.
You.
I'm Naomi.
I hate injustice.
People tell lies about me.
You at the back.
I'm Kumir.
I'm gay.
Yup.
Good.
You.
I'm Max,
and both my parents are artists.
Great.
I'm very very happy for you.
What about you? With the bling.
I'm Effy.
And I think my mum's
having an affair.
Good one.
Shows enterprise.
What about you, big man?
I'm Freddie.
I met a girl I like today.
She's like
Beautiful.
That's it.
That's it? That's your unique fact?
That's just great.
Fascinating, Freddie,
thank you for that.
What about you?
I'm Katie and I had
Frosties for breakfast.
Frosties, that's product
placement in my opinion.
You there at the back
beside the wee gay man?
My name's Nathan
and seven members
of my immediate family
have been on Crimewatch.
Brilliant, what a year
this is gonna be.
Kieran? Yes.
I'm feeling rather ***.
I think I need to go
to the Nurse's office.
Oh, yeah? OK.
Go on then.
Right.
Where were we?
Oh, stuff it.
Let's just watch a DVD about
Oh, Christ.
"How To Be Inclusive".
Holy Mother of
divine ***, who makes up this ***?
Actually, Kieran,
I'm not feeling too well either.
My balls are aching.
I might have to go and see that nurse.
Right! *** off then.
Cheers, Kieran.
See if she can laser
Jordan off them.
OK.
Right,
how the *** does this
Hey.
Can I be in this class?
I don't like mine.
Why not? Make up the numbers.
You doing some A levels?
One, please.
Philosophy.
OK, sit down.
When you've worked out the point of
living, come and *** tell me.
Whizzer!
Where's Effy?
They don't have a nurse.
I just gotta get drugs.
And sex.
Grab my balls! Grab my balls!
Grab my balls!
Grab my balls!
Grab my balls! Grab my balls!
Teach me to learn
to lose myself
My finger was
pricked by someone else
Pull my blood up
through a mixer straw
Spread the words all
over the neighbour's lawn
Don't cry for
sleeping kittens
Cos they won't die today
We'll cover them with flowers
They dream their dreams away
Disconnect the
feeling factory
Put your tongue
up to my battery
Things are so much
smoother when we lie
Crush your cigarettes
out on an orange sky
Lose sleep for
sleeping children
Throw your branch away
The bees they
buzzed so loudly
That I just couldn't stay
I just couldn't stay
Awaiting an audience
Awaiting an audience
Awaiting an audience
Awaiting an audience