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Mm, Wally.
What?
Is this chamomile?
Yes, it is, but I'm sorry,
it's pronounced "camel milk. "
Camel milk?
Now, you've got it.
Here, be sure to come back
for lunch.
Ooh, "Hoomus Hotties"
Yes!
I'm bringing in babes
to sex things up.
Oh, and the hotties
will be wearing holsters
squirting out shots
of hummus?
Yes. Hakim!
Show them.
I have combined America's love
of sex, guns, and chick peas.
That's the big three.
C'mon, kid,
we're taking a ride.
Where we going?
Never mind, just get
in the car.
All right, it's go time!
I'll get in back.
Actually, it's stay time.
Wait, wha-
You win this round,
Lew Staziak!
But when vengeance strikes,
it will be swift-
Hakim!
Too much CO2.
There it is.
My office place
for 27 years.
They'll be tearing
this dump down pretty soon.
I want a souvenir.
Yeah, this'll do.
Wow this place
is amazing.
It's like a real
private eye's office.
A lot of good memories
here.
Hey.
Look, it's a young Lew.
Who's the other guy
in the picture?
My old partner,
Mickey Doyle.
The ***'s the reon
I left the force.
Dirty as they come, he thought
the law didn't apply to him.
I hear you.
I once worked with this guy,
every year he used
the color copier to make
his family's
Christmas newsletter.
Mickey once tracked a guy down
on his honeymoon.
Beat him to death
with an ice bucket.
Oh.
Is that why you left
the force?
I left after Mickey and me
got into a thing in San Diego.
A lot of bad stuff
went down.
Too far over the line,
even for me.
We go to San Diego.
My kids are crazy
about Sea World.
They wouldn't be if they knew
what was buried
under Shamu's tank.
Let's get that door
and get out of here.
What the helicopter?
Lew, look.
There was an old letter
stuffed in the mail slot.
Postmarked March 17, 1963.
Probably just junk.
It's from a Rita Spaulding.
Like I said, junk.
It's from the California
women's correctional facility.
Dear Lew,
I know you probably hate me now,
but there's no one else
I can turn to.
I didn't *** Johnny,
I was framed.
I know you can prove
I'm innocent.
Please, for the tender love
we once had?
How about for all the times
you pounded the virtue
out of me?
Please, Lew,
you're my only hope now.
Love, Rita.
Woulda been nice
to get that 40 years ago, huh?
So Lew, you gotta tell me
who this Rita Spaulding was.
Just a starlet,
pretty little party girl.
Legs went on forever.
So whatever happened
between you and Rita?
I wasn't fast enough for her,
so she dumped me
for some low-life creep.
Worked her way
down the food chain
until she ended up
with a greasy mobster
named Johnny Zambrano.
Johnny took four in the gut
at a party in the marina.
Rita couldn't beat the rap,
and ended up getting life.
But Rita said
she didn't do it, though.
There's a slew of evidence.
His blood on her blouse,
her prints on the gun.
Do you know if Rita's
still in prison?
I don't know,
and I don't care.
Excuse me, Lew Staziak,
my friend.
I need to speak
to my friend Andy, my friend.
Okay, what is it,
Wally?
What do you think
of my Hoomus Hotties?
Oh.
They're very nice,
and, um, ready for a swim.
Now, for fun, rank 'em
in terms of true hotness.
One, two, three.
Oh, uh, rank 'em?
I they are all
equally gorgeous.
Just for fun.
Uh
One, two, three.
You, the tall one,
you're out.
What? I didn't
I can only afford
to keep two.
Get going.
I wanted to keep you,
but my friend Andy says,
"No, that ***
must go. "
Wal-no!
I- I you are very pretty.
He did
Lew?
So Lew's girlfriend
has been in prison for 40 years?
Well, I wouldn't call her
his girlfriend.
I set up a meeting
at the prison tomorrow,
nd he won't even come.
a
That's because he's still
in love with her.
It's classic male-female stuff
right out of junior high.
She might be innocent,
and he's willing
to let her die in prison.
Boys.
And she probably
loves him too,
and anything she did
was just to get his attention.
Um, she was convicted
of shooting a murderous gangster
in the face four times.
But she didn't shoot Lew.
Wow, it's nice that I get
to meet Rita
in the warden's office
rather than her cell.
How'd she pull that off?
Bye, Howie!
Thanks again!
Oh, well talk
about a special delivery.
This is the kind of package
a girl could get used to.
Hey, Charlie,
do me a favor.
If I start screaming,
count to 1,000
before you come in.
Well, aren't you just
the cat's pajamas?
You are, aren't you?
Oh, hell, yes.
Come sit next to Rita,
sweet cheeks.
Ms. Spaulding,
I'm Andy Barker.
Thank you for seeing me.
Mm, I was looking forward
to it all day.
P.I., huh?
What is it about private dicks
that gets me all dewy?
Anyway, uh, I came
across a letter
that you wrote to Lew Staziak
about 40 years-
Lew Staziak?
Oh, you've seen him?
I bet you two talked
about me.
I bet he said my legs
went on forever.
Of course, this one
only went on till 1987.
Give it a try?
Uh, no thanks.
Sure.
Well, I'm sorry
about your leg.
Oh, it's no biggie.
There's a girl in D block
who lost the other one.
Now we buy shoes together.
You said in your letter
that you had been framed
for the ***.
That's right,
couldn't have done it.
I was at The Brown Derby
at the time.
Well, that ought to be
fairly easy to prove.
Well, whoever framed me
got everybody to dummy up.
So no one saw you
going in?
No, I was
with a married guy.
We went
in the back door.
We did that a few times,
didn't we, doll?
Well, Lew Staziak,
as I live and breathe!
Actually, I was talking
about going
in the back door
of The Brown Derby.
So was I.
No, I mean the back door
of the restaurant.
Oh, we didn't go there.
Uh, Lew, what are you
doing here?
I realized I couldn't
let you alone with this one.
She'd fill your head with lies
and your pants with hands.
Still got two of those.
Hey, you changed your perfume,
what is that?
Lacquer.
I just had my leg done.
And lucky for me
because Lew Staziak's
back in my life!
Stick your extra sock in it.
I just came to warn
the kid about you.
Oh, Lew, don't be that way.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I need you now.
I needed you, and you dumped me
for Mickey Doyle,
and you dumped him for
that mobster who you killed.
See ya in hell.
Lew, you seem mad!
It isn't true.
I didn't kill
Johnny Z.
My only crime is I always fall
for the bad boys.
Well, that and arson.
Ms. Spaulding,
I'd like to help you,
but I-I just don't know
where to start.
Oh, you have to help me.
I gotta get out of here,
please!
I'll show you where
the wood ends
and where Rita begins.
Uh
That-that's flattering,
but, um,
I just had a big lunch.
I'm gonna help you,
Ms. Spaulding.
I promise you that.
Thanks! Oh, and tell Lew
I'm sorry I broke his heart!
And burned his house.
I'm sure that this woman
is innocent,
but how do I prove
that Rita Spaulding
was at The Brown Derby
on the night
of August 23, 1962?
August 23, 1962,
The Brown Derby?
That means she was there
the same night
as Gene Kelly's
Why would you
remember that?
That was a legendary night!
Barbara Stanwyck wore
a strapless taffeta Edith Head
with an Oleg Cassini clutch.
How do you not know that?
I've got something
that could help us.
Andy, I need your help.
I have to get rid
of one more Hoomus Hotties.
No, no, no, I'm not gonna
get involved this time.
Yeah, I understand.
It's not fair to put you
in that situation.
Right.
Now, for lunch,
what would you
rather not to have:
lamb or chicken?
Well, I'd like lamb,
so, I guess
I'd rather not have chicken.
You, chicken, you're out!
What?
Andy says, "Go pull a sled,
you dog!"
Here, check this out.
Why is Chicken crying?
All right, The Brown Derby,
August 23rd, 1962.
Yeah, but I don't see Rita
anywhere in this photo.
No, but this paparazzo,
Jon Leibowitz,
must have shot several rolls
of film that night.
Yes?
Hi, we're looking
for Jon Leibowitz.
I am Jon Leibowitz.
You are?
I changed my name
when I came to this country.
There was much prejudice
against the Chinese people.
But who doesn't love
a Jew?
Oh.
I can't believe you still have
all the photos from that night.
I really applaud
your filing system.
How you doing over there,
Simon?
Oh, fantastic.
I can't stop looking
at Barbara Stanwyck
and her leathery cleavage.
Gene Kelly's 50th
was a big night.
Buddy Hackett took off his pants
and sat down on the cake.
That was comedy back then.
It wasn't funny,
but they committed.
Wait a minute.
There's Rita,
in the background.
Shewasthere.
Well, that proves it.
I mean, she couldn't have been
anywhere
near Johnny Z. that night.
She didn't do it.
You know what's doing it
for me?
Barbara Stanwyck
and her weather-beaten taters.
Hey, honey, call me back.
I just found proof
that Rita Spaulding's innocent.
I'm gonna take it
to the DA tomorrow.
Guess who I'm here
celebrating with?
My good friend
Sean Connery.
Hello, Jennifer.
This is Sean Connery.
Ah, forget it.
Hey.
Give me that.
Oh what is your problem?
Keep your nose
out of other people's business!
I've been watching you.
Your bagel-eatin'
photographer friend
told me about these.
Now, I got 'em.
Who are you?
Mickey Doyle.
Lew Staziak's old partner?
Yeah.
And as long as
I'm on this earth,
Rita Spaulding stays
in the slammer.
But she's innocent.
Well, all you gotta do now
is prove it.
Oh!
Oh, does it always have to be
in the stomach?
Have you ever had your heart
broke by a one-legged lady?
Change lady to dude,
and yeah.
You're gay?
Yeah.
This is a gay bar.
Uh, sweetheart?
I'm gonna need
my business card back.
Hey, Lew.
Mm.
So what are you doing
in here?
Hey, you said you had
a visit from Mickey.
You sure it was him?
Well
I got a video of him
with my phone.
Yeah, and I just flew
over here in my toaster.
No, seriously, watch.
You tell Staziak
he loses again!
I'm Mickey Doyle,
the best there ever was.
Typical Doyle.
Not enough to win,
he's gotta brag about it.
Why would he beat me up
and then take the evidence
that would have sprung
Rita?
Because he was mixed up
with the mob back then.
You know, I bet somebody hired
him to kill Johnny Zambrano.
And then he pinned it
on Rita
just because she broke
his heart?
I mean, is Mickey Doyle
really that evil?
If you knew what went down
in San Diego,
you wouldn't ask
that question.
Well, we gotta do something.
Rita's innocent.
There's nothing he can do,
he took all your evidence.
Yeah, but you know what?
He doesn't know that.
Is he as bad with technology
as you are?
Yeah, first time he saw
a cassette deck,
he emptied his service revolver
into it.
I got an idea.
I'm sorry, I don't have time
to man the controls, Andy.
Hakim!
You and your disco hair
don't dip your pen
in company ink!
I'm sorry.
Simon, are you sure
that you can handle this?
I went to film school.
I think I can handle
a microphone
and a napkin dispenser.
How do you know this guy Doyle's
gonna show up
with the pictures anyways?
I told him I had access
to new forensic technology
that would link him
to the evidence
and prove
that he planted it.
Hey, that's him.
Ha-ha!
All right, Barker.
You got five minutes.
Have a seat.
Rolling.
And action!
Why don't you tell me
what you got.
All right.
We both know that Rita's blouse
with Johnny's blood
and the gun
with her fingerprints
were found at the scene
of the crime.
Mm-hmm.
But what you don't know
is that the LAPD
now has a DNA molecular
image replicator
that could conclusively prove
who handled those items
besides Rita.
I had no idea.
When the DA reexamines
the evidence,
I think we both know
what they'll find.
I see what you're saying.
Aww, snap!
Andy, bringin' in da noise!
It's just a shame is all.
Yes, it is.
Wait, what's a shame?
About the fire.
Fire?
At the police station,
in '72?
Fire that destroyed
all the evidence
from this case?
Oh, wow.
What the hey.
At least the little fellow
ge an A for effort.
Starting that fire
was one of the best moves
I ever made.
I destroyed the evidence
from six different crimes
I committed.
Oh!
That was pretty clever.
But I think you'll
be interested to know-
Here's your root beer
and napkins.
Didn't get it.
What?
Oh, we don't have it,
your order.
The, uh, the falafel machine
got unplugged,
and it didn't falafel everything
that we wanted it to falafel.
Perhaps you wouldn't mind
ordering again, okay?
Beat it, Gunga Din!
Thank you, thank you.
You know what?
I don't buy it.
Yeah, one person
couldn't orchestrate
something so complicated.
It's not that complicated.
I'm Mickey Doyle.
I killed Johnny Z.,
I framed Rita Spaulding,
I burned all the evidence.
Yeah, well, I'm not as stupid
as you think.
Oh, yeah?
Because inside
that napkin dispenser-
Missed it!
What the hell
is going on?
You and me
We're going
for a little walk.
Where we going?
Parts of you are going
to 50 different places
around the city.
Kid's not going anywhere.
Lew Sleaziak.
I'll be needin'
those photos, Mickey.
Oh, really?
Or what?
I'll start talking
about San Diego.
I'll tell 'em
everything, names, dates
Places to dig.
Shamu
You wouldn't.
We'd both end up
going down for that.
Que sera, sera.
I don't get it, Lew.
That broad dumped you,
same as she dumped me.
You mean you'd
really be willing to throw
everything away for her?
Yes.
That's why you couldn't hack it
on the force, Lew.
You're soft!
Wait a minute.
Lew Staziak is ten times
the man you'll ever be.
Oh, yeah?
And by the way
I think I owe you something
from before.
Oh!
Damn it!
Maybe you'll get
Rita free, Lew.
But you've got nothing
on me.
I can't believe
we're just gonna let him go.
He won't be getting far.
See you, suckers!
Forgot to take it
out of my trunk.
How's your wine, sweetheart?
Well, it's better than the stuff
we used to make in my toilet.
You guys are adorable.
Oh, hey, if you're
not doing anything,
we'd love to have you
over for Easter.
Now wait a minute,
that *** waiter
gave me baked
and I asked for mashed.
No, that's I heard you
ask for baked.
I don't care
what she asked for.
He's dead!
Give me your steak knife.
No!
Here you go, slugger.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Oh, and there's a shiv
in the heel!
Oh, this is so romantic.