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>> BRAND: Hello. All right, the problem is, is that we've
started, uh, Brand X, but it's on at a new, earlier time.
I don't know, scheduling issues and stuff like that, but, I
mean, look, there's no one here.
I'm just in this barren wasteland, confronting the
absolute reality of life without a crew-- all right, we've got
one camera person.
It's like a Blair Witch Project version of a TV show.
But there's no audience, there's no glamour, there's no
hullabaloo to speak of, no razzmatazz, no pizzazz.
It's just me, listlessly confronting the reality that
we're born alone and ultimately we die alone.
(cheering) Don't be ridiculous!
There's an absolute television program happening at 11:00 on
a TV!
A TV!
Imagine that invention!
It's like the moon landing.
It is like the moon landing.
Hello.
Teleprompter.
(audience whooping) Hello.
Welcome to Brand X.
Thank you for watching.
This is a TV program.
We are absolutely live.
Brand X is a show a bit like, I don't know, uh, what is it
called, Duck Hunters or, uh, Moon Landings.
It's like that, except Brand X rhymes with "spandex."
It's the only program that actually does.
If you've got another show that you think rhymes with "spandex,"
you can tweet us: brandxlive-- put a hashtag in front of that--
and we will ignore it, 'cause we're very busy at the moment,
to tell you the truth.
The show is absolutely live.
As if to prove that, uh, look-- I've got a copy here of a Holy
Koran and the Holy Bible.
Look at that.
Would this be allowed in a show that wasn't live?
(high-pitched): "Mwa, mwa, mwa, I love you, I love you.
Oh, he's so different after all!
Yeah, we're basically just guidebooks to life.
Mwa, mwa, mwa, I love you, you love me."
All relig... all Islam is in there, all Christianity's in
there-- they're basically just a couple of books. Mwa!
Let's put them there.
That would never happen if the show wasn't live.
If you want to, yeah, remember you can tweet us about that or
about any issue: hashtag brandxlive.
If you don't know what hashtag is, I just think you're out of
touch with culture, generally speaking.
Uh, but it doesn't matter, you can still watch, it's just you
won't have an intercommunicative experience.
Over here now providing atmosphere from the Sex Pistols
is my punk uncle, it's Steve Jones! Look at him!
(cheering, whistling) Steve, I see that you're wearing
an American flag.
>> JONES: Yes.
>> BRAND: Why is that?
>> JONES: 'Cause I'm an American.
>> BRAND: Well, it's clear that you are not.
And is that not in a way a bizarre desecration of the flag,
such as, like, I don't like that.
Don't spill nothing on that during the show, mate.
>> JONES: I'm not.
>> BRAND: Or else we'll get in all sorts of trouble.
Okay, the point of the show today is, uh, we just want you
to feel generally a bit more upbeat.
When the show ends, in one hour's time, look deep inside
yourself, you'll find this divine spark of energy.
Ask it whether or not you feel better, and it should go:
(squeaks): "Yes!" Now it's time for, uh, news.
Because, you know, on programs like this, they do news.
Well, this is a program like this, so here is that news now.
News is simply a thing that has happened quite recently.
That's all it is.
It's not all of the news that's happened.
That would be too... well, that would be excessive, wouldn't it?
Imagine every single thing that's happened.
So these are just bits we've chosen that are relative to you.
(clears throat) Pope Benedict XVI has retired.
Right. Firstly, when was there 15 other popes called Benedict?
I've never met a person even called Benedict in my whole
life.
Have you ever a met a person called Benedict?
You have met a person called Benedict? Who was it?
When did this happen?
Well, that Benedict in the middle... in the American War of
Independence, there was a person called Benedict, wasn't there?
Benedict Arnold who plotted to betray the Americans to that
other army that were involved in that war.
I don't remember who they were, but they were probably a little
bit better.
(laughter) Pope Benedict, uh, XVI...
When did all these Benedicts happen?
In his retirement speech, he said-- I like this-- he goes, he
retired 'cause it felt like God was asleep during times in his
papacy.
Well, like, that seems like the sort of thing you should tell
people if you're the pope and God goes to sleep.
Put that in one of your speeches.
"God, I'm wondering what to do.
They're gasping at the Vatican, sire."
(snoring) Mention that-- that's one of
your main pope duties, to do that.
When do you think that he noticed that?
Could it possibly have been at the time when four percent of
all priests were found to be literally molesting choirboys.
24,000 priests were found to be molesting little kids, and
that... that, perhaps, was while God was having a gentle nap.
(grunting) (imitates child): "Stop it!
Stop it!" (deep voice): "Quiet!
We don't want to wake up God!" (laughter)
(yawns) "Did anything happen whilst I
was sleeping?" "No, not really.
It's a pretty quiet time.
Oh, yeah, there was one bit, I spilled a little bit of
Communion wine."
"Oh, bless you, my son, that is forgivable."
"Oh, I don't know if I've been reading the Psalms as much as I
should have been."
"Even that is forgivable.
You are not perfect, although you are my anointed one."
"Oh, yeah, and there's this thing where lots of priests have
been having sex with children now."
"What?" (whooshing) ♪ God does a spit-take, God does
a spit-take with Holy Communion wine, which is his own child's
blood, that's weird. ♪ (laughter)
The Onion-- here is a bit more news that is not directly
related to the previous bit-- The Onion has been forced to do
an apology, 'cause it called that little kid Quvenzhané
Wallis an un-sayable word.
It's such a rude word that not only can I not say it, I can't
say any of the euphemisms around it.
All we can actually say is-- you know there's an adventure place
where dolphins swim about for amusement and jump through
hoops.
What's the name of that place?
>> MAN: SeaWorld.
>> BRAND: SeaWorld.
It's almost that.
(laughter) The Onion called, like a place
where dolphins and whales sing about for human amusement, The
Onion called that lass that.
But, like... (groans) that's really annoying, because
I don't think they actually meant it.
It's actually part of a type of thing what is called a joke.
So if any people that are really stupid are watching, here is the
formula for that type of joke.
It's based on a concept that is called irony.
Now, I can talk you through this now.
What it is, is say you were to say, for example, Mother Teresa
is a ***.
Mother Teresa's not a ***, right?
So that is a thing called irony.
You can argue whether or not that's a funny thing to say, or
cruel, given that she's dead and stuff, but it definitely isn't
meant to be she literally is a ***.
If you said, "Oh, Joan Collins is a ***," or "J-Lo is a ***,"
I'm not saying that would be true, but people might take it
the wrong way.
Because it's not so empirically obvious.
For example, also, say you were to say, like, "The Dalai Lama is
a ***," right?
The Dalai Lama is not an ***.
Even if you're in the Chinese government, you probably
wouldn't go, "Oh, he's a right ***, the Dalai Lama," would
you?
You'd probably have to go, "Well, I admire the stands he's
taken."
So if you'd say, "Donald Trump is an ***," or even "Russell
Brand is an ***," that is a more forgivable thing.
We are gonna explain more of this complicated idea after a
commercial break.
We are bound to have commercial breaks.
It's a necessity in the economic reality that we live in.
After the commercial break, we're gonna talk to Dermot
Mulroney about big skulls.
But first let's watch a few little films made by capitalists
to explain to us why we should have certain things in our lives
to make us feel better inside.
Create me some atmosphere, Jonesy!
Look at Prince Charles!
He looks surprised.
>> BRAND: Hello. We're, uh...
Brand X has started again now.
We're in the gallery.
This is where they actually make the show.
Hey, where's that image that we were gonna do of Prince
Charles's face that I called for?
Could we have a look at that now?
Do you remember at the end of the show I said, "Prince
Charles's face"? There he is.
Does look quite surprised.
I think you'll agree that's quite worth looking at.
I'm just hiding in here for a while.
We've not told the audience that we're back on the telly yet, so
I just want to see how they actually act when they don't
know that they're on television, you know, reveal their sort of
true colors.
I think I just tore through my trousers there when I climbed
over that thing. It's difficult.
How's it going, everyone?
Are you okay?
(several reply indistinctly) What's going on?
Are you all right, Jonesy?
>> JONES: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Ah, life. So hard sometimes, I wonder why I get...
Why are you dressed like that?
>> WOMAN: You scared me with the water.
>> BRAND: I scared you with the water and that's your response
to it?
Just speak into that.
This device has been designed to capture your... everything you
say.
>> WOMAN: My entire voice? Okay.
>> BRAND: Do you realize, right, that the commercial break is
over and this is on television, and you are being exposed as
truly evil!
>> WOMAN: Really?
>> BRAND: You're dressed like Cruella De Vil, woman!
(laughter) Is that what you were going for?
She wears puppies as coats.
We have got a load of... in that little caravan back there, it's
all full of little dogs and stuff like that.
Yeah, it's full of them.
We got them from L.A. dog pound.
If they have not re-housed in one week, they will be killed.
(audience gasps) It's not my fault.
I don't run a dog pound.
I've got no power over that at all.
Okay, we... remember, we want your tweets to talk to you.
If you want to tweet us on today's big issue, it's
abortions-- should they be allowed, yes or no?
So hash... so send us your tweets: hashtag abortion, should
they be allowed, yes or no?
Hashtag, we'll solve that by the end of the show.
Are you all right, Jonesy?
>> JONES: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Are you?
>> JONES: No.
>> BRAND: Well, what's wrong?
'Cause... what-what seems...
We've had a tweet, as a matter of fact, saying that you don't
look very well.
Here is that tweet.
Look. "Steve looks like he could use..."
This is... David Walker says: "Steve looks like he could use
an enema. Maybe two."
Where would you even put the second one?
>> JONES: Yeah.
(laughter) Um...
>> BRAND: Have you ever had an enema?
>> JONES: Yeah, loads of them.
>> BRAND: Have you?
>> JONES: Yeah.
>> BRAND: I'm nervous of that.
>> JONES: Colonics.
>> BRAND: Colonics, yeah, colonics.
I mean, look, I'm not nervous about using that aperture as a
place of pleasure...
(laughter) ...but the idea of pumping it
full of water-- did you watch what came out through a silvery
tube?
(audience groans) It's not happening now!
This is a thing called language.
That's what we were trying to say about the, uh, the, uh, that
recreation park where amphibious mammals swim about, remember,
and that young actress lass being referred ironically to as
that.
There's got to be someplace where language can be safely
used, hasn't there?
>> JONES: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Has there?
Jonesy says life has got to be safely... there's got to be
places where language can safely be used in life.
We're gonna do the show next week in London, in spite of
Jonesy's various, uh, like, English-looking paraphernalia.
That thing there.
>> JONES: This American flag.
>> BRAND: Well, yeah, you got the American flag, all right.
But that guitar stand, that amp, you refuse to come to England
with us, don't you?
>> JONES: I'm scared to.
(laughter) >> BRAND: W-Why?
>> JONES: I don't like flying.
>> BRAND: Why don't you like flying, mate?
>> JONES: I don't know.
It came to me at a later age in life.
I never used to be scared of flying...
>> BRAND: Well, probably because when you were younger,
you did everything on ***.
(laughter) It's hard to be scared of
anything if you're on ***, isn't it?
>> JONES: I've got feelings now.
>> BRAND: Yeah, you're...
It's the last thing you need.
>> JONES: It's a problem.
>> BRAND: Well, we're gonna get someone to help you a little bit
later in the show; he's a yogi.
We've had him on the show before-- he's a bizarrely
dressed gentleman, he's a mystic, he's a wanderer, he's a
sort of unicorn man, he's called Harijiwan.
He's gonna come on later and expel that fear from you.
And also quite soon, we're gonna be talking to a man who does
pretending to be other people for a job to get money.
His name is Dermot Mulroney.
But before we do any of that stuff, let's go into this
Airstream what's full of a bunch of dogs that, well, at the
moment they've got one week to live.
The clock is ticking on these dogs.
The clock is literally ticking.
If you came in this Airstream in one week's time, you'd be
looking at a bunch of dead dogs.
(audience groaning) Don't blame... I don't run...
Do you think I make the laws?
Oh, hello. Russell Brand here.
Yeah, we must kill dogs within one week.
I've not got the jurisdict...
Oh, my God, they're so cute.
Hello. Oh, look at these dogs!
(dog growling) >> WOMAN: It's okay...
>> BRAND: That one's a bit angry.
>> WOMAN: He's a little protective.
>> BRAND: What is he protective of?
It's not even his caravan.
This is our caravan.
>> WOMAN: There we go, there we go.
>> BRAND: Do you want some water, mate?
Want a little glass of water?
Look at these little dogs.
Where do you come from?
>> WOMAN: We're from the East Valley Animal Shelter.
>> BRAND: Oh, my God, they're so cute.
>> WOMAN: This is Ken and Barbie.
>> BRAND: Ken and Barbie?
>> WOMAN: There's Ellie.
She wants your attention.
>> BRAND: All right, darling.
All right, mate.
>> WOMAN: That's Mr. Magoo.
>> BRAND: So, they're from a dog pound, are they?
>> WOMAN: Yes. We're from the shelter right over on Vanowen
in Van Nuys.
>> BRAND: What happens if they don't have a house in one week?
>> WOMAN: We try to find them homes...
>> BRAND: Be honest.
>> WOMAN 2: They're totally depending on you to come and get
them in one week.
>> BRAND: Like, if... they've got one week, ticking clock on
them...
Oh, look how cute they are.
They're so lovely.
They're so much nicer than people, aren't they?
>> WOMAN 2: That's very true, they are.
>> BRAND: Like, wouldn't it be nice to have a society just run
by dogs-- but would it work?
Can I take Ellie with me?
>> WOMAN: Sure.
>> BRAND: She don't want it...
>> WOMAN 2: She is our spunkiest one.
>> BRAND: Let's just leave the door open, and if they...
Oh, that one's so cute.
Look, it thinks it's a person.
It literally thinks it's a person-- it's standing up like a
person, it's making decisions...
I saw it trying to hire an accountant.
Those dogs, if we don't save them, in one week's time, they
will literally be butchered.
Have you chosen a technique for killing them yet?
>> WOMAN: With love.
>> BRAND: They said "with love," and love does hurt.
That could be the worst way to die, as a matter of fact.
Okay, is it one minute before we can't be on the television
anymore, Gareth?
>> GARETH: Yes.
>> BRAND: Okay, right, so after, like, we've seen those dogs-- if
only there were something we could do.
They've only got a week on our dirty little circle of a
planet-- I think it's called "world"-- unless we do something
to save them.
Now, we're gonna have a commercial break now.
Uh, you can, if you want, you can continue to watch the...
this-- there'll be some commercials-- little films about
products-- or you could have a look at another channel.
On one, there's a thing called Extreme Couponing.
That sounds all right, doesn't it?
That's literally on now-- Extreme Couponing.
Look, this is it!
This is Extreme Couponing.
You could watch that briefly.
That looks quite good, if you want to watch it.
There's another thing on called Cops, and there's another thing
called Worst Cooks in America.
You might prefer those programs to the commercial breaks that
ultimately fund all this.
You've already paid for those commercials, actually, because
there's a surcharge on top of the products, so you've already
paid for them, so you can watch them if you want.
Okay, we're gonna have some commercials now, but then we'll
be back here.
Who's gonna save those dogs?
Jonesy, do some music.
Ladies and gentlemen, do an applause.
See you shortly.
Dermot Mulroney!
He's a pretender!
We're gonna talk about big heads, big heads, big minds.
Der Mulroney! Mulroney!
♪ ♪
>> BRAND: All right, mate, want a dog?
>> JONES: No.
>> BRAND: Don't like dogs?
>> JONES: No, I do like dogs.
>> BRAND: Well, but don't you want one in your house?
>> JONES: I like... I like no commitments whatsoever.
>> BRAND: Well, don't you think that's a high price to pay for
independence, mate?
>> JONES: No, it's all right with me.
>> BRAND: No commitments at all?
>> JONES: Nothing.
>> BRAND: Like, a goldfish.
>> JONES: Nothing.
>> BRAND: Gerbil.
>> JONES: I've got some, um...
I've got some coyotes outside.
>> BRAND: That's not a commitment, mate-- they're
gonna just stay there anyway.
>> JONES: Yeah, but, you know, they feed themselves.
>> BRAND (laughs): That's what he likes.
He's got a commitment to some coyotes.
Even Roadrunner saw the same one every week.
Okay, now it's time for a thing that we do called "Getting to
Know Crew, Getting to Know All About Crew," where we get to
know someone on our crew.
This week, it is a person called Jeremy-- he's in sound.
All right, Jeremy...
Are you all right?
>> JEREMY: I'm great.
(cheering, whistling) >> BRAND: So, what are you doing
on the crew?
>> JEREMY: Uh, I am booming.
I boom whenever you talk to somebody in the crowd-- I put
the boom out there so we can hear 'em.
>> BRAND: Go on, let's do an example of it, like if I was
talking to this man here.
Sir, what makes you tick?
Who are you?
What's the real thing that makes you happy in life?
Think! Think! Talk! Say a thing!
>> MAN: The Internet.
>> BRAND: See? The Internet.
Jeremy, without you, we never would have heard that man saying
those things.
>> JEREMY: Exactly.
>> BRAND: And then you can talk into it yourself.
>> JEREMY: If I need to.
>> BRAND: Sometimes when you're booming people, do you think,
"I'm putting a foamy black phallus into the mouth of a
stranger?" >> JEREMY: No.
>> BRAND: You never think that?
You never think that when it comes... You're never tempted
to say, say you were booming me, and you're never tempted to
do it sort of like that?
Sort of...
(moans) "I'm lonely!
I'll count my commitments only to the coyotes in me garden!"
That's you, Jonesy.
That was "Getting to Know Crew, Getting to Know All About Crew"
with Jeremy.
We know him now.
(applause) I've told you before several
times that Dermot Mulroney was gonna be on this show.
Somewhere inside yourself, you must have thought I was lying
'cause we ain't seen sight nor sound of him nor nothing,
have we?
Well, here is that man who goes by the name Dermot Mulroney.
I've met him already.
You're about to see him.
Prepare yourselves to reach *** peaks.
It's Dermot Mulroney!
(applause) If you want, you can sit there
and we'll do an interview.
>> MULRONEY: Thanks.
>> BRAND: We'll do a talk show interview of you.
>> MULRONEY: I'd like that.
>> BRAND: Dermot, thank you for coming here.
>> MULRONEY: My pleasure.
I'm enjoying the show immensely.
>> BRAND: This is a cup of water like you would have nowhere
else in the world.
The only place you have a cup of water is on a talk show.
That should be in a glass, shouldn't it? Should it?
That's the basic convention in life.
>> MULRONEY: I long ago decided to never have that.
>> BRAND: Why?
>> MULRONEY: If I were to find myself on a talk show, for
example, I would decline.
>> BRAND: If that happens, you must.
>> MULRONEY: Well, it's happening now, and I'm not gonna
have the water.
>> BRAND: Dermot Mulroney has correctly identified the nature
of reality there.
We are on a talk show, this is a cup full of water, you ain't
having none.
>> MULRONEY: Need any other help or you... you good?
>> BRAND: No, thank you.
I'm pretty good.
I mean, we're a bit worried about the caravan full of dead
dogs to tell you the truth.
>> MULRONEY: Understandable.
Yeah, that's worrisome.
>> BRAND: We just wish there was something could be done about
those dogs, but in one week, they're for the high jump.
Jonesy's not gonna have them.
He's happy with his lifestyle of solipsism, constant ***
and coyotes.
>> JONES: Don't any one of you lot want one of them dogs?
>> BRAND: Jonesy, that won't work.
>> MULRONEY: That'll never work.
>> BRAND: People won't want...
People don't want dogs.
People are happy to let them die, it's clear.
Now, Dermot-- I know, only joking. Or are we?
Now I interview you.
Dermot...
>> MULRONEY: Begin.
>> BRAND: Dermot, you are here to promote a type of a film.
The film has got Nicole Kidman in it.
You are in it, too.
>> MULRONEY: Wait, I know the answer to this one.
>> BRAND: Stoker.
>> MULRONEY: Ah, you gave it...
you gave it away.
>> BRAND: This film, what happens... When you're watching
it in a cinema, what will happen?
>> MULRONEY: Uh, you'll find yourself, um, having an
enjoyable time.
>> BRAND: Right.
>> MULRONEY: It's a really great movie.
>> BRAND: What's it all about, the story of this film?
>> MULRONEY: Well, it stars Nicole Kidman.
Frankly, I just have a small role in it, but I was pleased
to get it because although I'm married to Nicole Kidman in the
storyline, I did not meet her.
>> BRAND: That must be difficult for the marriage.
>> MULRONEY: It's was tough.
The film also stars Mia Wasikowska and Matthew Goode,
and it's a bizarre *** story basically.
>> BRAND: In the film, you all pretend to be someone different
than you actually are, and then someone records that, and then
we can watch it and see if we like it.
>> MULRONEY: That is correct.
>> BRAND: I see.
>> MULRONEY: Yes.
>> BRAND: Dermot, before you were in this film with Nicole
Kidman, you were in a different type of film.
The name of it was, of course, Young Guns. It was about
cowboys that were sexy.
Was it nice to be a sexy cowboy?
>> MULRONEY: Um, it was.
Yeah, I found that, um, I found that film very enjoyable.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I liked it.
>> MULRONEY: Really, of most of the films that I've worked on,
that was the one that I had the most enjoyable time on.
>> BRAND: 'Cause it was a bunch of...
>> MULRONEY: You notice that "enjoyable" is my word
of the night?
>> BRAND: It's nice that you enjoy life, Dermot, because if
you were...
>> MULRONEY: Life's enjoyable.
>> BRAND: Say you were saying, "I was in a constant paradigm of
limitless torture, spun out between threads of woe, trapped
in a web of agony," I'd worry about you.
>> MULRONEY: Right.
>> BRAND: I'd worry about him, Jonesy.
>> MULRONEY: No, I'm having an enjoyable time.
I'm not dangling like you described.
>> BRAND: I met your wife.
She's gorgeous.
>> MULRONEY: Thank you.
Yes, she is.
>> BRAND: What is she?
Some sort of Latina lady?
>> MULRONEY: No, no, she's an Italian.
>> BRAND: Ah, Italian, okay.
>> MULRONEY: European, Mediterranean.
>> BRAND: She's a Mediterranean lady.
Dermot, in spite of this being 2013, you refuse to cooperate
with our technological advances-- e.g. Twitter.
You refuse to do it.
Why is this?
>> MULRONEY: I don't have anything against it.
I, um, I just found it an awkward... I found it awkward.
And then I discovered that I had been on Twitter for a long time
by some sort of impostor.
>> BRAND: Yeah, people masquerade as you.
We've started to do it as well.
We started an account for you.
It's called DermotMulHotRod.
Here is that.
Uh, you've been tweeting quite a lot today, Dermot, and some of
the things you've said are, quite frankly, unforgivable.
>> MULRONEY: Oh, no, no.
>> BRAND: "Yo, Dermot Mulroney in the house!" you said.
You started quite well, but then you went on to say...
Look at this.
"***, send me naked pics.
I'm famous."
Why would you do that?
We are gonna be back with Dermot Mulroney after some commercial
messages.
Jonesy, play us a song.
(applause)
(applause) >> BRAND: Hello, you're watching
Brand X.
This is Brand X.
It's a type of program.
What you were watching before was commercials.
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back to
the show.
You's lot can brighten up.
(laughter) That is a good way of making
people focus, I've learned over the course of the show.
Now, as you know, there is an, uh, Airstream caravan there full
of puppies.
Have you killed any of those puppies yet, ladies?
Ladies?
>> They're still here.
>> BRAND: Have you killed any puppies?
>> WOMEN: No.
>> BRAND: Who are you lot?
(glass breaking) >> BRAND: Hey, have you killed
any puppies yet?
>> WOMEN: No.
>> BRAND: The puppies still seem to be alive.
The owners, we're not so sure.
But we've got some good news.
Some... Look at this tweet.
It's an indication that some of the puppies may not meet their
demise.
Have a look at this.
Cassandra Gonzales, cgonzales, says, "We will take a puppy.
I'm in the audience.
Center, third row.
Brand X Live."
Can't really see her.
Can't see her.
Where is she?
Where is she exactly?
Can't see her.
Can't see her at the moment.
We'll have to do it later.
Can't see her.
Can't see where she is.
Okay, Dermot, let's get a...
Let's get on with our interview.
I hope you've not been tweeting anything crazy during the break.
>> MULRONEY: I haven't, no.
I kept it all in.
I repressed it.
I repressed the urge to tweet.
>> BRAND: Dermot, before you became what you are, which is an
actor and a successful one who gets good money and looks real
handsome and, as I just discovered, smells great, you,
uh, you wanted to be a cameraman on TV, huh?
>> MULRONEY: Well, I thought that would be a more reasonable
trade than acting.
I didn't think I'd have much of a chance.
>> BRAND: In my country, we used to have a show called Jim'll Fix
It.
Now, that show had to be banned because the man who ran the show
turned out to be a gargantuan ***, but that doesn't
mean...
I'm afraid it's true.
>> MULRONEY: That seems to happen with a lot of the British
television hosts.
>> BRAND: What are you suggesting?
(laughter) I'd like to take this
opportunity, Dermot, to say that I only have sex with adult human
females, as often as possible and sometimes in the bottom.
Now, Dermot...
Which is legal.
I believe that's legal, isn't it, Jonesy?
Let's just check.
Yeah, that's legal.
That's all nice and legal.
That's all legal.
So I decided to do a thing that is called, uh, not Jim'll Fix
It, because that format's owned and as I said, it was a
*** that did it.
It's called I'm going to help you to become a cameraman.
Would you like to see Dermot realize his dream to become a
cameraman?
Let's see that realized.
(applause) Well, here's a camera.
Zeke, Zeke, borrow us your camera, mate.
Borrow us it.
>> MULRONEY: How you doing?
>> BRAND: Zeke, does Dermot need any tips?
Oh, this is brilliant.
>> ZEKE: Right in through there.
>> BRAND: Put your hand in there.
>> ZEKE: There you go.
>> BRAND: We can see now that Zeke will be a very aggressive
lover.
"Put your hand in there.
Put your hand in there.
Put your hand..."
>> ZEKE: Focus, focus.
>> MULRONEY: Right.
>> BRAND: That's focus.
Look at this.
This is literally being filmed now by the actor, Dermot
Mulroney, live.
Let's go over there.
(applause) Look, it's me and Jonesy.
Yeah!
Remember, okay, remember to tweet us if you want to comment
on any of the issues we've been discussing on the show.
Isn't that right, Jonesy?
>> JONES: Yeah.
Are you enjoying this, Dermot?
Your dream is being realized.
Is it fun?
>> MULRONEY: Uh, it's okay. Eh.
>> BRAND: It's quite nice to see you do that.
Hey, can I have a go?
>> MULRONEY: Yeah, you'll like it.
>> BRAND: All right, this is radical.
Yes!
Look at this now.
This is live television.
There is Dermot Mulroney.
Look at that.
Can I create a vortex up against the monitor?
That's what... This is Zeke, who normally does this.
It's as if we're going into a televisual vortex.
It's a vortex.
We're not respecting the convention.
There's puppies in there that literally could be killed and
have just had a cup thrown at them, and no one's done anything
to resolve it.
What kind of society are we living in?
Dermot, do you feel like your dream's been realized?
>> MULRONEY: Uh, yeah.
>> BRAND: We have just... we have just fixed it for Dermot.
Zeke, what are you doing?
>> MULRONEY: I was having the same situation.
See, this is awkward.
>> BRAND: I can see now why crew members pretend to be so macho.
It's because at any given opportunity, they try and suck
you off.
Look at him go.
They're like lunatics.
Zeke, this is so unprofessional.
Get a grip.
Well done, Dermot.
Thank God Dermot was here to pick up that handheld.
Dermot Mulroney, lovely work.
Zeke, fantastic stuff.
>> MULRONEY: That's good, man.
>> BRAND: Ah, what a lovely interview.
I hope those puppies are gonna be okay.
Hopefully... I just can't see what we're gonna do, though,
Jonesy.
It's challenging.
It's challenging stuff.
>> JONES: What'd he do with that thing?
>> BRAND: What thing?
>> MULRONEY: The thing you told him to remind you about.
>> BRAND: Oh, the Twitter thing.
Yes. Now we're gonna do a thing that Jonesy is
reminding me about.
You've been continually tweeting, it seems, over the
course of the show, Dermot.
Let's have a look at what sort of things you've been saying.
This is Dermot Mulroney.
"I never understood homosexuality more clearly.
Russell is sexy."
Dermot!
>> MULRONEY: Now I understand it.
>> BRAND: You understand now why it happens.
>> MULRONEY: I-I do.
I see clear.
>> BRAND: We see clearly.
You and I could be together.
You could divorce your hetero wife, have a *** husband.
I'll adopt your kids.
>> MULRONEY: I never thought of that before.
>> BRAND: It could work, the two of us just living
a lovely gay life.
Perhaps we could have a three-way marriage with Jonesy.
Just us, and maybe we could have some dogs if I knew where
we could get some.
Okay, it's a commercial break now.
Uh, during this commercial break, have a little
look around.
Maybe check in on that Extreme Coupon thing, or look at Cops.
Or just stay and watch the commercials as nature intended.
Jonesy, play some atmospheric music.
Don't leave! Never leave me!
See you in a minute.
Ah, life.
>> BRAND: Hello. Welcome back.
I've come out of that studio.
It's a weird atmosphere in there.
People are, like, you know, worrying about whether or not
those puppies are gonna be killed.
There's broken cup pieces all over the floor.
I'm with Harijiwan.
He's the next guest on the show.
Are you all right, mate?
>> HARIJIWAN: Well, I'm in a post-pope meditative state.
>> BRAND: He's in a post-pope meditative state.
Imagine that.
>> HARIJIWAN: But it's a live pope, so I haven't been able
to do this meditation in 600 years.
>> BRAND: There you go, see?
That's the kind of thing that gets said.
Why don't we go into the TV studio, Harijiwan?
>> HARIJIWAN: Yeah. There's people out there?
>> BRAND: Yeah. This is what I want, actually, is for you
to help Steve Jones with his issues around fear of flying.
He's frightened of going up into the air, but then...
>> HARIJIWAN: Russell, he's a Sex Pistol.
>> BRAND: He's a scared Sex Pistol.
I think all the Sex Pistols are basically scared little boys.
Hey, look at this.
This is the real world out here.
Look at this. There's a person just loose.
This is a red light that says that television is happening
right now.
>> HARIJIWAN: We're live.
>> BRAND: We know that.
It's live television.
>> HARIJIWAN: Let's go meet a Sex Pistol.
>> BRAND: We're gonna meet a Sex Pistol and we're gonna
cure a Sex Pistol of his fear.
Can there by anything more rewarding in life than taking
a Sex Pistol and taking the fear right out of his life?
>> HARIJIWAN: He's like a post- Sex Pistol.
(cheering, applause) Hey!
>> BRAND: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harijiwan!
He's a yogi, look.
>> HARIJIWAN: Hi, Dermot.
Good to see you.
>> BRAND: Thanks, Dermot.
>> HARIJIWAN: Okay. Jonesy, we're gonna fix you up.
That's the plan.
>> BRAND: Harijiwan.
Right. Firstly, let me let get in my special chair.
>> HARIJIWAN: Get in the captain's seat here.
>> BRAND: Thank you, sir.
Now I think it's worth addressing at the beginning
of the show, we've had you on before, but it's worth saying
that, of course, people like you; you're a Sikh, aren't you?
>> HARIJIWAN: Yes.
>> BRAND: And Sikhs-- so what you're dressed as, that's kind
of a religious thing.
>> HARIJIWAN: Well, we want to stand out.
>> BRAND: You certainly do.
I think if you was in Harry Potter, they'd tell you
to dress down a bit.
(Harijiwan laughs) >> HARIJIWAN: It's a magical
world, though.
>> BRAND: So these kundalini techniques that you know, can
they take Jonesy... what is this feeling you feel when you're all
frightened of being up in the sky, up in an airplane?
What is that feeling?
>> JONES: Well, I think it's gonna crash.
>> BRAND: Mm. That is a worry, isn't it?
'Cause imagine it did.
It'd be horrible.
>> HARIJIWAN: It could happen.
>> BRAND: Sometimes, it does happen, doesn't it?
>> HARIJIWAN: Well, but I got to go, don't look down.
>> BRAND: That's your solution?
>> HARIJIWAN: Because what's up...?
Yeah, that's it.
What's up there?
>> BRAND: He'll still die if it crashes.
>> JONES: Oh, thanks.
I'm fixed. I'm fixed.
>> HARIJIWAN: Yeah, you're in heaven.
You're closer to heaven up there.
>> BRAND: Harijiwan, I think your solution of averting your
eyes from your own demise is a fragile one.
I think we need something more that alters Jonesy's
consciousness so that fear, which has taken ahold of him,
is somehow ameliorated.
That just means broke up and got rid of.
Don't be frightened.
>> HARIJIWAN: It's an English word.
>> BRAND: All of the words you use are English.
>> HARIJIWAN: It's direction, it's direction.
>> BRAND: Yeah.
>> HARIJIWAN: In order to create the fear, I got to put
it somewhere.
>> BRAND: Ooh.
>> HARIJIWAN: And if I can move my attention, my perception,
my awareness somewhere else-- think of your foot.
>> BRAND (scoffs): Think of your...?
>> HARIJIWAN: Now think of your arm.
Oh, my God, that's different.
>> BRAND: Harijiwan, you're beginning to sound like a mad
person might sound 'cause you've said, like, your two suggestions
so far are...
>> HARIJIWAN: Look up.
>> BRAND: ...and think about your own foot.
I mean, it seems to me the technology of yoga derived from
Vedic literature to help human consciousness...
>> HARIJIWAN: Has come up that far, yes.
>> BRAND: Yeah, I don't imagine that the Bhagavad Gita, the core
message of it is, "Think about your foot."
Surely, got to be a bit more profound.
Is there some sort of technique we can use to amend the
consciousness of this man Steve Jones?
This man who is so frightened, he can't come to London with us
next week to do our shows live from London where there will be
Eddie Izzard and ravens and telephone boxes.
>> JONES: And Russell.
>> BRAND: I'm gonna be there as well.
So can we do something?
>> HARIJIWAN: Take an inhale breath.
>> JONES: No.
>> BRAND: He won't-- that's not very cognitive.
>> JONES: All right, then.
(inhales deeply) >> HARIJIWAN: Now hold it.
>> BRAND: You can tell he's a crack addict.
>> HARIJIWAN: Now you let it go.
That's a switch gear.
That switches a gear in the mind.
Simple technique, powerful.
I inhale...
(inhales deeply) Now the mind doesn't know
what to do because it's supposed to get another breath.
So the mind's gonna stop going where it's going.
Got to switch.
>> BRAND: Harijiwan, I like this suggestion.
Would you be prepared to teach actor Dermot Mulroney, Sex
Pistol Steve Jones, person me, and everyone else, all persons
also, a technique for banishing fear from our lives?
>> HARIJIWAN: Yeah.
>> BRAND: Let's all stand up and learn a technique from
Harijiwan.
Stand up!
We're gonna learn a technique.
It's gonna change our consciousness.
It's gonna change our life.
We're gonna be taught by this crazy person.
You people at home, you do it as well.
Abandon your own life.
Abandon your babysitting.
Abandon your dog pound.
Learn some kundalini yoga.
>> HARIJIWAN: Yeah, and the dogs can do this.
>> BRAND: Yeah, those dogs should definitely do this.
>> HARIJIWAN: We start our kundalini class with this.
(chanting in native language) Gives my brain more energy.
Now like this. Simple, like...
(inhaling) This is what you do.
You don't know what to do?
Someone asks you a question, you do yoga.
>> JONES: So just sit on the plane and go like this?
(Harijiwan laughs) I'm gonna make it!
I'm gonna make it!
>> HARIJIWAN: Then you go this.
Jonesy, Jonesy!
Sat...
>> JONES: Sat...
>> HARIJIWAN: ...nam.
>> JONES: Nop?
>> HARIJIWAN: Sat... nam.
>> JONES: Yeah? Like that?
>> HARIJIWAN: Mantra takes me out of the space I'm in
to a new space.
Plane, one space, another space.
Satnam, satnam.
>> BRAND: So all we're being taught there is how to use these
ancient techniques in our own contemporary lives.
>> HARIJIWAN: We try that.
>> BRAND: Why don't we-- all of us here-- carry on doing this
over the the break?
For the full break, the people here are gonna be doing this.
You people at home, stop watching this, stop watching
Extreme Coupons, stop worrying whether those dogs are gonna
make it, and carry on doing your yoga.
Then, by the end of the show, we will resolve these issues.
For heaven's sake, let's yoga like it's 1999.
What I wouldn't give for an extreme Groupon.
Is that it?
>> HARIJIWAN: Inhale out, exhale down.
>> BRAND: Exhale down.
See you in a minute.
>> HARIJIWAN: Okay, thank you.
>> BRAND: Kundalini yoga!
All right, yeah!
Ah, that is good.
All right, sit down, everyone.
We're back. We're back, okay.
Ah, that was good, yeah.
Did you enjoy that yoga that we were doing in the break?
Yeah.
(audience cheers) Harijiwan, these technologies
you teach us are spoiling us and opening our brains and
helping other types of reality, like normal news programs seem
a bit more boring, so well done.
Thank you.
>> HARIJIWAN: Thank you, Russell.
It's giving energy in the brain.
>> BRAND: We need energy in the brain.
>> HARIJIWAN: Then the brain can move.
Move out of one space.
>> JONES: I can fly. I can fly.
>> HARIJIWAN: Yeah, look at him.
>> BRAND: He's better already, isn't he?
>> HARIJIWAN: There you go.
>> BRAND: I think the problem might be now that if he does
that on an airplane, he'll be asked to leave.
Harijiwan, sit down.
Stay there with actor Dermot Mulroney 'cause we got to, like,
we got to resolve something.
Now, over the course of the show, we've been talking about
numerous subjects.
We've invited you to tweet, and you've done that
in your dozens.
Let's have a look at this tweet that's here.
Bekka Farquharson-- which is my favorite name now-- it's at
rustyrockets, "Abortion equals okay."
Thank you for resolving that.
"Dying puppies equals"-- big letters-- "horrible."
Horrible, if you type things things in big letters, that
means you're shouting it.
She's shouting, look.
And then she thinks that The Onion is a weird news source.
I just, look, listen, Bekka Farquharson, if that's
your real name-- which I doubt-- I think that, you know, I just
wish we could do something about those puppies.
I wish we could.
They're in there.
God, they're so cute.
Look at them now, all adorable.
But one week, they're for the high jump.
It's not us, we're not doing.
We don't...
Well, we've tried to do something; there's just nothing
that can be done, is there?
Well, that... what-what are you saying?
You, you, pers...
>> WOMAN: I want a puppy.
>> BRAND: You want a puppy?
The person I'm pointing at-- boom that person.
Go on, mate, don't be afraid.
You just put the microphone right up in her face.
Look at that-- double team her.
She's getting D.P. boomed now, D.P. booming.
What, you... what, you would take one of those puppies home,
would you?
>> WOMAN: Yes, I would.
>> BRAND: How many?
>> WOMAN: Um...
>> BRAND: Which one?
>> MAN: Bring one for me.
>> WOMAN: Two.
>> BRAND: You want two puppies?
Which two?
Come into the caravan, come into the caravan and pick your
puppies.
Anyone else want a puppy?
Don't... Right, you've got to be responsible, because what if it
doesn't die on the way home?
You'll be stuck with it.
Anyone else want a puppy?
Right, okay, these people.
Go in there and select your puppies.
You can all go in there.
Right, so okay, right, it looks like less puppies are gonna die
as a result of this television program.
Anyone else want puppies?
>> WOMAN: Yes.
>> BRAND: Right, okay, there's now more people than puppies.
What we can do is we can break some of them in half, and you
can share the puppies like Jesus on the mount, you can share
the puppies out.
Okay, there's enough puppies for anyone.
There they are, look at them-- those gorgeous little things.
>> JONES: Aw.
>> BRAND: Don't you say "Aw," You were happy to let them die.
Right.
Okay, now this is a part of our show that has a type of name,
the name... I just want...
Actually, before we get into a brilliant item, "You Talk Now,"
I'm just gonna go and look and see what the atmosphere's
like in that caravan because, you know, it's pretty positive
what's been going on, let's have a look.; there's people, there's
puppies.
So, what-- are these people gonna be able to keep
these puppies now?
>> WOMAN: They can take these puppies-- these puppies
are up for adoption.
>> BRAND: These puppies are all up for adoption and now they've
all got homes.
Look at that one, it really loves this ***'s ***.
Don't breastfeed it, that's weird.
And you, you've got that one.
That was my favorite one.
And you's two have got puppies.
It's good-looking girls and puppies.
Have all the puppies been housed?
>> WOMAN: No, not this one.
>> BRAND: Aw, that one's still gonna die-- that is a shame.
Okay, well, we tried.
There's one more puppy left in there if anyone cares enough to
do something about it.
You? All right, we'll sort it out-- well, go in there and take
it, then.
Right, we solved that puppy issue, now it's time... now that
we've saved some puppies that were gonna die without our
intervention, it's time for another thing what is called
"You Talk Now."
This is where we solve problems of human beings that have come
to our show.
(laughs) There's a caravan full of people.
Can you shut the door in the caravan?
'Cause it's distracting-- just shut them all in there.
Shut them in there.
The puppies are saved now.
Hey, can someone... who's gonna be the human that closes that
door of that caravan of the many humans that are on earth?
>> JONES: I'll shut the door... on the other side.
>> BRAND: Excellent work, well done.
Okay, so, uh, now it's time for the thing that is called "You
Talk Now" where we solve the problems of these different
people.
Ah, Jeremy, yes-- we'll need you to boom this guy here.
Actually, do a round of applause-- it'll sound like the
beginning of an item.
(applause) >> BRAND: Now, all of you people
here lined up in a row have got problems-- that's why you've
been put here.
What the hell is your problem?
>> MAN: I need a job, but I'm not good at anything.
>> BRAND: You need a job?
What do you mean?
You're not good at anything?
>> MAN: No.
>> BRAND: Okay, that's a problem, right?
We're gonna solve it.
I'm just establishing the problem.
What's your problem?
>> WOMAN: I don't have a problem-- I have a talent.
>> BRAND: Ah-ha, much more fun.
Show us this rare gift of yours.
What's your name?
>> MEGHAN: Meghan.
>> BRAND: Meghan, the girl with the gift.
What does it involve?
>> MEGHAN: I can vibrate my eyes.
>> BRAND: You can vibrate your eyes.
In this time of suffering, of ecological and economic
disaster, as the world stands on the precipice of
self-destruction-- shouldn't we have some more vibrating eyes?
The answer is, of course, yes.
Let's have a look at them.
Mm, that's scary and weird.
Okay, it's... "talent" is a strong word, and we're not...
And not one that we're gonna be using.
Now, what seems to be your trouble?
>> WOMAN: I'm looking for a job, too.
>> BRAND: You are looking for a job as well, if... right, okay.
So you need a job.
Okay, okay, there's two people here that need actual jobs.
Andrew and what's your name, love?
>> ISABELLE: Isabelle.
>> BRAND: Andrew and Isabelle-- what's gonna happen to you if
you don't get a job?
>> ISABELLE: Well, I'm gonna have to go back home.
>> BRAND: Where are you from?
>> ISABELLE: Switzerland.
>> BRAND: Switzerland-- that's nice there, isn't it?
Cuckoo clocks, Toblerone, things like that.
Must be very relaxing.
>> ISABELLE: It is, it is.
>> BRAND: But you don't want to go back there-- you want to stay
here in America and why wouldn't you?
It's a great country.
>> ISABELLE: It is, definitely.
>> BRAND: Okay, has anyone here got any jobs for these two
people?
>> JONES: Yeah!
>> BRAND: What, Jonesy?
What's... what job would...
Hold on a sec-- what job?
>> JONES: Does she do massage?
>> BRAND: Do you do massage?
>> ISABELLE: I don't.
>> JONES: You know what I mean.
(whistles) >> BRAND: There you go.
Chauvinism, live on your television set.
Is there anyone else here that offers different types of jobs?
No... Ah, yes!
You there, sir, that looks unusual.
What job do you offer?
>> MAN: We're looking for experienced architects.
>> BRAND: Are you an architect, and do you have experience in
it?
>> ISABELLE: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't.
>> BRAND: Ah, that's not gonna work, okay, okay.
Well, we tried, uh, but perhaps by the end of the show.
If anyone watching the show needs a person with a sort of
Cruella de Vil afro and a woman who's too proud to do a ***
massage, you can contact, contact us here at Brand X Live.
Okay, but the last person, I'm pretty sure we can solve your
problem-- stand up, sir, and tell us your name.
>> SANTI: Santi.
>> BRAND: Santi. And what is your problem?
>> SANTI: I have a conflict with my girlfriend.
>> BRAND: You've got a conflict with your girlfriend?
(singsongy): Just tell me about the conflict so I can help you.
What is it?
>> SANTI: Um, I hate cheese and she loves it.
>> BRAND: That's bad, that's really bad.
>> SANTI: Uh, yeah.
>> BRAND: You hate cheese and she loves it?
That's gonna be tough, man.
That's gonna be tough.
Okay, well, look, don't put your hand so aggressively on my
shoulder.
Now, look, what...
Here is a lot of different types of cheese.
What... When you're near the cheese, how do you feel?
You don't like it-- it makes you unhappy?
>> JONES: How about this?
>> SANTI: It does.
>> BRAND: Yeah, go like...
(laughs) Try going like that.
It's not working, it's not working.
Jonesy, his bird's on this phone; give his bird a bell,
will you?
Uh, "Cheese Chick" she's under the name of.
Ooh, that's rough-- Cheese Chick, okay, Jonesy, will you
hold that?
>> JONES: Yeah.
>> BRAND: There's... Aw!
There's actually not enough time because this is a live TV show.
There's not enough time to solve the problem.
You're simply gonna have to get over this cheese fear.
Ladies and gentlemen, the puppies have been saved!
Justice has been done!
A man is being forced to face his fear.
This is Brand X Live.
That's Steve Jones.
Our guest is Dermont Mulroney and Harijiwan.
See you next week!
What's that?
(laughs) Yeah, it's live, it's
really happening now.
Nothing you can do about it.
Join us next week in London with Eddie Izzard.
There we go.