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"CALIFORNICATION"...
WHAT?
OVITZ! HIT THE BRICKS!
SEE YOU AT THE OSCARS, PAL.
I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY NUTS FOR WEEKS
JUST TRYING TO GET A FRIGGIN' MEETING WITH RONNY PRAEGER.
YOU GOT DAISY THE PART!
I HAD TO INVEST 100 GRAND IN HIS MOVIE.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME. MY NAME IS HANK MOODY. I'M A WRITER.
I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT LEW -- LEW ASHBY.
CALL ME "HE WHO WILL KILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH HIS DAUGHTER."
SHE IS.
[ SNORTS ] OH!
THAT THIRSTY LITTLE NOSE OF YOURS IS COSTING US SOME MONEY.
YOU JUST PUT THE BULK OF OUR NEST EGG
INTO A MOVIE CALLED "VAGINATOWN."
COKE ***.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A STUNT ***.
YOU WILL GET IN THERE AND DRIVE MISS DAISY.
[ MOANS ]
DID WE GET THAT?
LOOK, I HAVE MANY VICES, MY FRIEND,
BUT JAILBAIT AIN'T ONE OF THEM.
[ LAUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME, GENTS.
ALL RIGHT, REPEAT AFTER ME.
I WILL NEVER...
"I WILL NEVER..."
"...EVER..."
...*** MIA AGAIN.
"...*** MIA AGAIN."
THANK YOU.
JESUS. JUST SAYING IT GETS ME WET.
[ SCOFFS ]
*** YOU.
FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO PEN YOUR SORDID, LITTLE *** TALE.
COME ON, MAN. DON'T LEAVE.
WE GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD ME A...FRIEND.
AW, SHUCKS. I'M ALMOST TOUCHED.
BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME
TO INDULGE YOUR EVERY *** DEPRAVED WHIM!
JESUS CHRIST.
I JUST REALIZED WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO LIVE WITH ME.
YOU KNOW, I-I REALLY DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA BE
SUCH A *** NINNY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
OH, A "NINNY"?
B-BECAUSE I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF THE TANG?
BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN SORDID PAST TO CONTEND WITH?
NO. BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME THAT YOU GUYS ***.
OH.
BE THAT AS IT MAY...
REPEAT AFTER ME...
YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT OF THIS ***, CHARLIE.
I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF ANYTHING, HANK.
YOU SIGNED A *** CONTRACT.
SINCE WHEN HAS THAT EVER MATTERED?
LOOK, IT'S EITHER THIS
OR YOU DO THE ADAPTATION OF "*** & PUNCHING."
OR, WAIT, NO. I'M SORRY. I TAKE THAT BACK.
I DON'T THINK I CAN GET YOU THAT JOB.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. THE GUY'S GONE KURTZ.
HE NEEDS A DOCTOR, NOT A BIOGRAPHER.
NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO MOVE IN WITH THE GUY.
YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING HALFWAY, DO YOU?
HEY.
WHAT THE *** ARE WE DOING HERE, ANYWAY?
[ Distorted voice ] HELLO!
I'M EDUMACATING MYSELF
AS TO THE VARIOUS MARKETING OPPORTUNITIES
AVAILABLE TO THE YOUNG *** STARLET.
HOLY ***. YOU REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL, HUH?
YEAH. OF COURSE I LIKE HER.
I LIKE HER IN THE KIND, PATERNAL WAY
ANY AGENT LIKES SOMEONE WHOSE CAREER IS IN HIS HANDS.
HOW ABOUT IN THE KIND, PATERNAL WAY IN WHICH A BOY
SOMETIMES LIKES TO STICK HIS PEE-PEE INSIDE A GIRL?
YOU LIKE HER THAT WAY, TOO?
I KIND OF DID THAT ALREADY.
WHAT?
***, PLEASE!
I HAD TO STEP IN AND STUNT-***. THAT'S ALL.
"STUNT-***"?
LONG STORY. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
STUNT-***.
HOLY ***, JOHNNY ***.
HOW WE GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN ON THE FARM
NOW THAT YOU'VE PENETRATED A *** STAR?
IT WAS JUST THE TIP. JUST THE TIP, THEN I POPPED.
NATURALLY.
HERE'S THE DEAL. THIS IS WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO.
YOU GOT TO GO HOME AND GRAB COKEY SMURF, MEET ME AT L.A.X.
WE GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN, PALOMINO.
I MEAN, WE ARE DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE,
AND I'M AFRAID WE AIN'T NEVER COMING BACK.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
OW!
OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?
JESUS CHRIST, LADY!
YOU JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME.
LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET YOUR NAME
FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES AND WHATNOT.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE THAT ***. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?
YOU KNOW, IT SADDENS ME TO THINK
THAT WHEN YOU HAVE AN INTERNAL DIALOGUE ABOUT ME,
I'M "THAT ***" AND NOT "THAT HANDSOME STRANGER"
OR "THAT GUY WHO MADE A MESS OF MY BUSH -- HANK MOODY."
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MRS...?
JONES.
JONES?
YEAH.
AFTER ALL THIS INTRIGUE, THAT'S KIND OF A LETDOWN.
JANIE JONES.
OH, LIKE THE CLASH SONG. THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I'M HALF-CHUBBED.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE FORGET ABOUT
THIS WHOLE "VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER" THING AND I BUY YOU A DRINK?
HEY. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
YOU KNOW, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT
THE THREAT OF LEGAL ACTION WAS GONNA DO IT,
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA HAVE TO EMPLOY
MY CONSIDERABLE POWERS OF SEDUCTION.
YOU READY?
OH, YEAH.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
I GOT NOTHING. THAT'S IT. I'M OUT.
NO, TOMORROW NIGHT, IN VENICE, MARAT.
I'LL BE THE ONE STARING INTO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DESPAIR.
GET THERE EARLY BEFORE I WET MYSELF.
OH, YEAH!
NAILED IT!
OH, THAT'S RIGHT -- I STILL GOT IT.
OKAY. I SHOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU GUYS THIS,
BUT BECCA IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.
OH, THANK GOD!
I-I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA COME DOWN ON HER
FOR BEING A SATANIST OR SOMETHING, SO.
OH, PLEASE.
I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT WHOLE THING'S JUST A PHASE,
AND, YOU KNOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH WHATEVER MIGHT BE GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
SHE MADE REFERENCE TO SOME CHANGES AT HOME.
WELL, UM, LONG STORY SHORT, UM,
WE WERE TOGETHER, AND NOW WE'RE APART.
AGAIN.
NOT EXACTLY.
IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT JUDGING.
YOU KNOW, I'M DIVORCED.
PRETTY RECENTLY, ACTUALLY.
RIGHT ON!
HANK.
UM, WE WERE NEVER MARRIED, SO THE DIVORCE THING IS...
NO, BUT I DID ASK. A NUMBER OF TIMES.
OKAY, NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE, HANK.
I GAVE HER A RING. SHE GAVE IT BACK.
I GAVE IT TO A HOMELESS WOMAN.
I'M SORRY. THAT'S SO SAD.
IT WORKED OUT FOR THE HOMELESS WOMAN.
SO, UM, NONE OF THAT REALLY MATTERS RIGHT NOW.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT, UM,
WE'RE TOGETHER WHEN IT COMES TO RAISING BECCA.
WELL, YES, BUT NOT ALWAYS.
FOR INSTANCE, I WANT BECCA TO BE A LESBIAN WHEN SHE GROWS UP,
AND KAREN JUST WANTS HER TO BE HAPPY.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. LIKE, YOU CAN'T BE BOTH?
[ CLAPS HANDS ] A HAPPY LESBIAN?
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU THINK, WITH ALL THE MONEY THAT WE SPEND,
THEY COULD AFFORD SOME PROPER GLASSWARE.
[ MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY ]
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MIA LATELY?
NO. WHY? NO MORE THAN USUAL.
WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
W-- I-I DON'T KNOW. W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, NO, IT'S JUST I KEEP STOPPING BY BILL'S
TO CHECK ON HER, AND SHE'S NEVER HOME.
SO, I KNOW SHE LIKES TO HANG OUT
AT ASHBY'S DEN OF INIQUITY, AND SO DO YOU.
RIGHT.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE, NOT OFTEN.
DOES SHE HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS THIS, "SEX AND THE CITY," GIRLFRIEND?
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?
WELL, IT'S JUST, LAST TIME SHE CAME FOR DINNER,
SHE WAS ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS
ABOUT DATING AN OLDER MAN,
AND IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS KIND OF ASKING MY APPROVAL.
WELL, I HOPE YOU SHUT THAT *** DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
NO. I MEAN, WHY WOULD I?
YOU KNOW, IT'S A PERFECTLY VALID LIFE EXPERIENCE
IF IT'S THE RIGHT GUY.
WHY THE *** WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WHY NOT?
I DATED ONE OF MY PROFESSORS ONCE.
THAT'S FOUL.
HE WAS YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE NOW, ACTUALLY.
I'M NAUSEOUS, ACTUALLY.
THE SEX WAS FANTASTIC, ACTUALLY.
[ LAUGHS ] NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MY GOAT.
AM I GETTING IT?
YES! NOW, YOU'RE ONLY GONNA HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME
IF THIS THING GETS OUT OF HAND.
THIS GROSS "OLDER MAN" THING.
NO. WELL, I WANT YOU TO KEEP AN EYE OUT.
I MEAN, MAKE SURE THAT SHE DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR ASHBY.
THAT GUY IS SUCH A *** SCUMBAG.
WELL, HE MEANS WELL, YOU KNOW?
THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. HMM.
GOODBYE.
YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD.
GOOD.
IT SMELLS LIKE LADY HAIR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CUP SLAMS ]
HEY.
HEY YOURSELF, MRS. P.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOUR WRITING.
OH. QUITE POSSIBLY
MY FOUR FAVORITE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
HITS ALL THE PLEASURE CENTERS.
POSITIVELY RHAPSODIC.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO SAY IT
IN FRONT OF YOUR, UM...YOUR EX-WIFE, LOVER, OR WHATEVER.
OH, GOD. I WISH YOU HAD. THAT WOULD'VE PISSED HER OFF.
YOU LIKE *** HER OFF, DON'T YOU?
I DO.
I LIKE *** OFF MY EX, TOO.
COOL. IS HE WATCHING?
YEAH, FROM THE WINDOW.
OH, WELL, I'LL MAKE SURE TO USE MY GOOD ***.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M ON MY PERIOD.
NOT SURE I NEEDED A VERBAL ON THAT,
FOR I CARE VERY LITTLE ABOUT SUCH THINGS.
I WAS IN NAM.
GOD. MY EX ALWAYS CARED. HE THOUGHT IT WAS DIRTY.
OH, IT IS DIRTY... IN A GOOD WAY.
ALSO, I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TIME TO TRIM THE HEDGES LATELY,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I DO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, AND, AGAIN, NO WORRIES.
I ENJOY A GENEROUS THICKET.
[ MOANS ] I GOT TO TELL YOU,
YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT PERIODS AND *** HAIR
HAVE JUST MADE ME A BIGGER FAN.
IT'S WHAT I DO.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU CARE TO DISCLOSE?
I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT *** YOU RIGHT NOW.
OH, YOU ARE A CHATTY ONE, MRS. PATTERSON.
BABY.
Baby!
LOOK WHO I FOUND.
HMM?
DAISY?
WH-WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'S WRONG?
SHE WAS SLEEPING OUTSIDE IN HER *** CAR!
I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU GUYS.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
MY *** MANAGER SHOWED UP AT MY APARTMENT AND --
YOU HAVE A MANAGER?
YOU REMEMBER THE GUY WHO WAS SHOOTING THE "SLAM VAN" STUFF?
THAT SMELLY, *** ***? THAT'S YOUR MANAGER?
NO. YOU'RE MY MANAGER. HE'S JUST A *** SCUMBAG.
[ SIGHS ] AND YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS WORTH MENTIONING?
I WAS JUST SCARED YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO WORK WITH ME.
AND THEN EVERYTHING JUST HAPPENED SO FAST.
WHAT DOES HE WANT?
MONEY. HE WANTS TO BE BOUGHT OUT OF HIS CONTRACT.
OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
CLIENTS GET POACHED ALL THE TIME.
I PUT YOU IN "VAGINATOWN," I GET THE COMMISSION.
WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD HIM.
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE TRASHED MY APARTMENT AND ATE ALL MY FOOD.
I'M JUST GONNA CRASH IN MY CAR.
I JUST REALLY DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU GUYS OUT.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T BE SILLY. DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'LL -- WE'LL MAKE UP THE GUEST ROOM.
JUST GET INTO BED, BABY.
MOMMY AND DADDY WILL KEEP YOU SAFE.
MARCY!
WHAT?! SHE'S SCARED SHITLESS.
COME ON, DAIS.
I'M TOO TIRED TO FRESHEN UP
THE *** GUEST ROOM.
MAMA NEEDS HER SLEEP.
[ SIGHS ]
[ MOANING ]
WHOA!
OH.
OH, GOD.
OH, THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, LADY. HAPPY TO PROTECT AND SERVE.
WHAT?
I THINK I'M GONNA CRY.
OH, DEAR. DON'T DO THAT.
NO. IT'S, UH -- IT'S NOT A BAD THING. IT'S, UM...
COMING MAKES ME CRY. I MEAN, ON OCCASION.
I-I-I GET THAT.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES, AFTER I COME,
I WANT TO...WEEP, YOU KNOW?
BUT, USUALLY, I JUST NAP.
YOU KNOW?
[ WHIMPERS ]
YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU OR, UH...
COMFORT YOU IN SOME...
FASHION?
[ Sobbing ] NO, THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO OFFER,
BUT IT'S -- IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
OKAY.
[ SOBBING ]
HEY, WHERE'S THE *** IN THIS JOINT?
DOWN THE STAIRS, TO THE RIGHT.
DAMIEN?
[ With mouth full ] MR. MOODY?
YOU *** MY MOM.
I *** YOUR MOM?
I *** your mom.
DID YOU HURT HER?
[ DISTANT LAUGHTER ]
OH, NO! YOU DIDN'T!
I CAN EXPLAIN.
OH, NO, YOU CAN'T.
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO REASON.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT THERE, LOVER.
YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS! THIS IS SICK AND WRONG!
[ SCOFFS ] SURE.
IT'S SICK AND WRONG WHEN HE DOES IT,
BUT IT'S PERFECTLY FINE FOR YOU TO *** ME.
STOP SAYING THAT OUT LOUD. IT'S NOT OKAY.
THAT'S WHY WE NEVER DID IT AGAIN, MIA.
NEVER SAY "NEVER," HANKIE.
OKAY. I PROMISE I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT AGAIN LIKE THREE TIMES!
[ LAUGHS ] FAR MORE THAN THAT.
OW.
DO YOU WANT KAREN TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS, YOUNG LADY?
I DON'T KNOW, HANK.
DO YOU WANT KAREN TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS?
BECAUSE FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS COULD MEAN FINDING OUT ABOUT US,
WHICH COULD VERY WELL MEAN THE DEATH OF HOPE, HANK.
[ VELCRO RIPPING ]
WHAT THE *** IS THIS?
KURT *** COBAIN...
PLAYED THAT.
COURTNEY GAVE IT TO ME.
I HELPED HER PRODUCE A DEMO, WRITE SOME SONGS.
IT'S YOURS.
YOU'RE GIVING ME KURT COBAIN'S GUITAR BECAUSE YOU *** MIA?
NO. I'M GIVING YOU KURT COBAIN'S GUITAR BECAUSE...
YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND, AND I, UH...
LET YOU DOWN.
TAKE...CARE OF IT.
I MEAN, YOU -- YOU CAN PUT BECCA THROUGH COLLEGE
WITH THAT *** THING.
OKAY.
YOU HUNGRY?
YOU LIKE CREPES?
I GOT A NEW PAN I WANT TO TRY OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO -- I'M GONNA MAKE US SOME CREPES.
BECCA, IT'S NOT HALF AS CRAZY AS IT SOUNDS.
Becca: *** YOU!
OKAY. BUT I THINK THAT YOUR LANGUAGE
IS PERHAPS A TAD INAPPROPRIATE.
OH, IT'S *** APPROPRIATE, ALL RIGHT.
KAREN, WILL YOU -- WILL YOU CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE?
DO YOU SEE ME FRONTING IN ANY WAY?
I'VE ADMITTED THAT I'M WRONG, YOU KNOW.
STILL, I DON'T THINK THAT THAT --
YOU DON'T TALK TO YOUR OLD MAN THAT WAY.
OH, WELL, YOU DO IF HE *** YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER.
I DIDN'T KNOW, OKAY?
AND I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS "BOYFRIEND" TALK.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
HOW COULD YOU EVER BE EXPECTED TO KNOW SUCH A THING?
YES. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THIS THING IN A CERTAIN LIGHT,
THE WHOLE MESS CAN BE VIEWED AS ALMOST ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.
HMM.
COME ON.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THE BOY UNTIL THE DINNER PARTY.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO HIS MOTHER WAS?
OH, WELL, IF YOU WERE NOT SO PREOCCUPIED
WITH STICKING YOUR *** IN ANY HOLE THAT WILL HAVE YOU,
YOU MIGHT NOTICE THESE THINGS.
YES, BUT YOU KICKED MY *** OUT OF THE HOUSE.
YOU MADE MY *** HOMELESS.
AND OUT OF DOORS IS A PLACE
WHERE PENISES DON'T GENERALLY FARE WELL
IN THE RAIN AND THE WIND AND ALL THAT.
HANK, SHUT UP, OKAY?
MY HOMELESS *** NOW MUST SEEK SHELTER
FROM THE STORM WHERE AND WHENCE IT CAN.
DID SHE SAY TO YOU, "OH, HANK, I LOVE YOUR WRITING"?
YOU SEE THAT? THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
YOU JUST KNOW MY ***. IT'S PERFECT.
IT'S WHY WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.
SHE NEEDED A GOOD CRY. SHE WAS LONELY.
WHAT'S THE HARM?
THE HARM?
OH, WELL, THE HARM IS RIGHT THERE, OKAY?
THAT IS THE HARM -- BIG HARM.
AND THE WORST PART IS SHE WAS DEFENDING YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, HE DIDN'T BREAK IT OFF WITH HER.
HE -- HE JUST SAID THAT YOU WERE A ***
FOR SLEEPING WITH HIS MOTHER.
THAT'S LEGITIMATE.
BUT THAT DID NOT SIT WELL WITH HER
BECAUSE NO ONE TALKS *** ABOUT HER BELOVED FATHER.
SO SHE BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM.
[ GROANS ]
***.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME.
KURT COBAIN PLAYED THIS GUITAR.
IF YOU TREAT IT RIGHT,
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK ANOTHER DAY IN YOUR LIFE.
YOU CAN'T BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE.
DAMIEN WAS RIGHT -- YOU ARE A ***.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
[ GROANS ]
HEY, MRS. PATTERSON. IS, UH, DAMIEN HOME?
HE'S, UM -- HE'S NOT HERE. HE'S AT BAND PRACTICE.
DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?
I-I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
DON'T LET HIM SCARE YOU. HE'S A GOOD KID.
HE'S JUST VERY PROTECTIVE OF HIS MOTHER.
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
WELL, I MEAN, WE CAN'T LET OUR KIDS
RUIN A PERFECTLY EXCELLENT *** CHEMISTRY, CAN WE?
JESUS. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY,
IT SOUNDS PRETTY *** REASONABLE.
CAN YOU -- CAN YOU WRITE THAT DOWN FOR ME FOR LATER
IN CASE I NEED TO USE IT?
OLD MAN, I WILL GO *** MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ***!
HEY, SETTLE DOWN, TOWNSHEND.
I CAME HERE TO TALK TO YOU, MANO A MANO.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. COME ON.
SETTLE DOWN, BUDDY. WHAT IS IT?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT. COME ON.
[ GRUNTS ]
OKAY. HERE WE GO.
COME ON, MAN. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
N-NOTHING. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, AND BECCA'S TOTALLY DEAD TO ME.
WELL, THAT'S A SHAME.
THAT'S A CRYING SHAME
BECAUSE SHE APPEARS TO BE VERY FOND OF YOU.
MM-HMM.
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
NOTHING THAT I COULD EVER REPEAT WITHOUT VOMITING.
NOW, COME ON. WHAT CAN WE DO?
LET'S FIGURE THIS OUT.
OKAY. FIRST OF ALL, REPEAT AFTER ME.
OKAY.
I WILL NEVER...
"I WILL NEVER..."
"...EVER..."
...EVER...
"...EVER..."
...*** MY MOM AGAIN.
"...*** MY MOM AGAIN."
...*** YOUR MOM AGAIN.
BOYS, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE SO QUICK TO...
FINE. WHATEVER YOU WANT.
OKAY?
WE GOOD? ANYTHING ELSE?
WHAT'S UP WITH THE GUITAR?
LADIES, I AM HOME!
WELL, IF IT ISN'T MR. BIG *** HOLLYWOOD AGENT.
STEAL ANY *** CLIENTS ON THE WAY HERE,
YOU BALD ***?!
IS EVERYBODY OKAY HERE?
YEAH. I THINK IT'S CALLED A "*** GO GET."
Charlie: YOU COME TO MY HOUSE,
YOU PUSH AROUND A COUPLE OF GIRLS.
YOU COULD HAVE CALLED, TEXTED, WE WORK THIS OUT OURSELVES.
YOU POACHED MY GIRL.
THAT *** -- SHE BELONGS TO ME.
SWEETHEART, PUT THOSE FINGERS AWAY.
WHO KNOWS WHERE THEY'VE BEEN?
OH, WAIT A SECOND. I *** DO.
THEY'VE BEEN IN MY ***.
YEAH. ONE GOOD TIME.
HEY, JERK-OFF, YOU KNOW WHAT A *** CONTRACT IS?
THIS IS NOT A VERY GOOD DEAL, DAISY.
[ Sarcastically ] YOU THINK?
BAD NEWS -- YOU'RE CONNECTED TO GILBERT GOTTFRIED HERE FOR LIFE.
GOOD NEWS -- THIS WILL NEVER HOLD UP IN COURT, ***.
MAYBE NOT, PERRY MASON, BUT GUESS WHAT?
A LOT OF NOT-NICE *** CAN HAPPEN DURING THAT TIME.
YOU WANT TO *** TAKE THAT CHANCE?
MOTHERLESS *** ***!
*** YOU!
OW! [ GRUNTS ]
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WASN'T VERY NICE AT ALL.
THAT'S MY SOY MILK, AND I HAVE SERIOUS DAIRY ISSUES.
YES, YOU DO.
I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW.
AND, YOU, PLEASE PUT MY WIFE DOWN.
I GOT NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.
BUT DAISY -- SHE'S COMING WITH ME.
SWEETHEART, COME ON, HONEY. WE'VE GOT A PAST.
YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE SPECULUM SERIES WE WANTED TO DO?
I THINK THE TIME IS RIGHT.
COME ON, HONEY. LET'S MAKE SOME ***!
HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR HER?
SHE'S NOT A *** SLAVE, CHARLIE!
YOU KNOW WHAT, PAL?! I BELIEVE IN THIS GIRL!
YEAH. SHE IS GONNA BE A HUGE STAR ONE DAY.
"VAGINATOWN" IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
THERE WILL BE MUCH RUING OF THIS DAY.
RUING, RIGHT. BIG *** STAR. JENNA *** JAMESON.
WAIT A SECOND. THERE'S *** CHINESE! BIG!
OKAY, LOOK. IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S COOL.
I'M GONNA GIVE HIM SOME MONEY FROM THE EMERGENCY FUND.
OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. BABY.
Charlie: BABY, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF --
SHE'S FAMILY, OKAY?
AND THAT'S WHAT THE MONEY'S FOR -- EMERGENCIES.
WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE, HUH?
YOU GO BACK WITH THIS GUY, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE STARRING IN YOUR OWN LINE OF GYNECOLOGICAL TRAINING FILMS.
NOT ON MY WATCH.
OKAY. BABY. BABY!
MAYBE YOU COULD JUST WRITE HIM A CHECK.
I WILL GIVE HIM WH--
ALL OF IT?
YOU SPENT ALL OF IT?
THAT WAS MY MAD MONEY, BABY.
PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU, CAPTAIN ***!
I LOVE THAT CAR.
[ SNIFFLES ]
I'M SORRY, DADDY. [ SNIFFLES ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU'RE GOING TO YOUR MOTHER'S.
BUT GOING TO MY MOTHER'S MAKES ME WANT TO DO DRUGS!
A LOT OF 'EM!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
IT'S A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU TO CHILL OUT.
[ SIGHS ]
WHATEVER YOU SAY, DADDY.
I'LL HELP YOU KNOCK THIS MONKEY OFF YOUR BACK, BABY.
IF YOU LET ME.
[ SNIFFLES ]
[ CRIES ]
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
NOWHERE. JUST GOING FOR A WALK.
NO ONE WALKS IN L.A.
WE DO. ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL.
WE'RE NEW YORKERS.
THERE IS NO "ALWAYS." THERE'S JUST RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW, DO YOU?
NO. I DON'T.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW I SAY THIS TOO MUCH --
ALL THE TIME, PROBABLY,
BUT I WAS WRONG TO DO WHAT I DID,
AND I WAS WRONG TO BE SO GLIB ABOUT TRYING TO FIX IT.
THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG, DAD,
JUST THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT.
I GUESS I DON'T LIKE
THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW.
YEAH. ME NEITHER.
SO, UH...
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH ABOUT THIS BOY?
I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON. IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING.
USE YOUR WORDS.
HE'S REALLY SMART.
OH. LET'S NOT GO CRAZY.
AND HE MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY.
WELL, THAT YOU ARE.
YOU'RE VERY PRETTY. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
SHUT UP. I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL.
DON'T SAY THAT.
LOOK. DON'T EVER SAY THAT.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD TO ME.
THEN TREAT ME THAT WAY.
[ Voice breaking ] I'M ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE, DAD, ALWAYS.
EVEN WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE. BUT I'M SICK OF IT.
GET YOUR *** TOGETHER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU AND MOM
NEVER SAY ANOTHER KIND WORD TO EACH OTHER,
BUT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PARENTING YOU BOTH.
I'M A *** KID!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HALF THE TIME.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS --
IF YOU KEEP CRACKING JOKES AND TAKING ANOTHER DRINK
AND PRETENDING THAT LIFE IS ONE BIG, STUPID PARTY,
YOU WILL MISS EVERYTHING.
Damien: BECCA!
YOU HAVE FUN, OKAY?
NOT TOO MUCH FUN.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ EXHALES HEAVILY ]
HEY, DAMIEN.
YOU THINK I MIGHT TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE GUITAR CENTER
AND GET YOU SOMETHING COOLER THAN THAT ONE? THAT'S...
NO, MAN. THIS GUITAR IS AWESOME.
IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING COBAIN WOULD HAVE PLAYED.
AWESOME.
HAVE FUN, HONEY.
MAY I HAVE ANOTHER, PLEASE?
[ English accent ] I DON'T THINK SO.
REALLY? AM I THAT SLOSHED?
NO. BUT IF I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME WITH ME,
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE AT...HALF-MAST.
OW.
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M SO FLATTERED.
I JUST DON'T THINK I'D BE VERY GOOD COMPANY FOR ANYBODY TONIGHT.
WHY NOT? I'VE HEARD GOOD THINGS.
NO, I AM VERY AGREEABLE.
AND YOU ARE NOTHING IF NOT A BEAUTIFUL BARMAID.
I'VE JUST GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH OF MY DAUGHTER'S VOICE
RUNNING AROUND IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW
TO BE GOOD COMPANY FOR ANYBODY.
THAT'S NOT AS CREEPY AS IT SOUNDS, EITHER.
HONESTLY.
SO, UH, TONIGHT,
I THINK YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SETTLE FOR...
THE TIP! JUST THE TIP!
GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD.
GOOD NIGHT, HANK.
GOOD NIGHT, BEAUTIFUL BARMAID.
[ EXHALES HEAVILY ] AM I TOO LATE?
DID YOU ALREADY WET YOURSELF?
SO, WHAT ARE WE DRINKING?
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CLOSED CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY SHOWTIME NETWORKS
AND BLIND DECKER PRODUCTIONS