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Hi, I'd like to say a few things about Islam, if I may.
Here in the UK, religion was always pretty dormant until Muslims came along
and started burning books and passing death sentences
and generally demanding special treatment for no good reason.
But they've shown everybody else what can be achieved by bullying and intimidation,
so now every crackpot in the country feels entitled to respect for their precious beliefs;
beliefs often lifted wholesale from the ramblings of some ancient desert nomad
with a psychological disorder.
It does seem quite ironic to me that the very people
who have clearly made no attempt to think for themselves
are always the most vocal in demanding respect for their ideas.
But some Muslims go further than this
and claim that they're being victimised in British society,
but I don't really believe that's true.
I do think that a lot of people are getting fed up with hearing about Muslims all the time,
and they wish that Muslims would just shut up and get on with their lives
instead of constantly bellyaching about nothing,
but that's not the same as being victimised.
But because we live in a liberal democracy
and therefore have certain double standards to maintain
any criticism of Islam or Muslims always draws the immediate accusation of Islamophobia,
a dishonest word which seeks to portray legitimate comment as some kind of hate crime,
when the truth is that Islam has a chip on its shoulder
the size of a mosque,
and it looks to take offence at every opportunity.
Some Muslims, it seems, are almost permanently offended about something or other,
and yet you never hear a peep out of any of these people
when some young Muslim girl is murdered
for bringing dishonour upon her insane family.
Suddely everyone's looking at the floor then.
They keep telling us that Islam is a religion of peace
but all the evidence points to a religion of war.
It's holy book urges Muslims to conquer the world
and subjugate everyone to the rule of God.
If Islam had its way, elections would become a thing of the past
and the rest of us would be living in the past
for the foreseeable future.
And some people are very keen to bring this situation about,
especially the loud-mouthed, rabble-rousing Islamic clerics
who we always hear praising the suicide bombers as glorious martyrs.
Yet curiously, you never hear about any of these enthusiasts
blowing themselves up for the glory of God.
They're always very keen to delegate that particular honour.
Despite the guarantee of all those luscious virgins waiting for them in Heaven,
these guys are so selfless that they can always find somebody more deserving.
Now of course the whole 72 virgins scenario has become something of a comedy staple,
and with good reason, but it does have one serious problem,
and that is that the virgins are likely to be good wholesome Islamic virgins,
because there won't be any infidel riff-raff in Heaven.
So presumably they'll have brothers and cousins and uncles
who are all determined to defend their honour
by killing anyone who makes eye contact with them.
They haven't really thought this whole thing through, it seems to me.
For this they blow themselves up?
Wouldn't it be easier just to get an inflatable woman and blow her up?
And then if one of your friends happens to glance at her with lustful eyes
you can simply stone her to death and get another one in the usual way.
Also, I think Muslim women in Britain who cover their faces
are mentally ill.
I realise that in some parts of the world
women don't actually have any choice in this matter,
governed, as they are, by primitive pigs whose only achievement in life
is to be born with a *** in one hand and a Koran in the other.
But it just seems to me that if God had intended you to cover your face
then, in his wisdom, he would have provided you with a flap of skin for the purpose.
Of course, if it gave you any *** pleasure, it would have to be removed;
that goes without saying.
But I don't want to be too *** Islam here, for two reasons.
Firstly, because I don't want to be murdered by some hysterical, self-righteous
carpet-chewing book-burning muppet with *** for brains.
And secondly, I think we do need to make allowances for Islam
because we have to remember that it is quite a young religion,
so maybe right now it's just going through a difficult age;
a little headstrong, full of itself, thinks it knows all the answers,
but I'm sure it will learn.
I think years from now a lot of intelligent Muslims
will be looking back on all this medievalism and jihad nonsense
with embarrassment and shame,
like the Germans do with the Nazis,
and maybe then we can all have a good laugh about it, but in the meantime,
I think any religion that demands earthly vengeance and retribution
for any reason, is not really a religion at all,
but an illness, and should be treated as such.
Peace, and I mean that most sincerely.