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There are many ways in which we guard America from its enemies.
We protect America in space ...
In the air ...
And we protect those whom we hold most dear.
But evil forces are at work in our great country -- a vast left wing conspiracy bent on destroying
the American way of life
through the communist red menace of Net Neutrality.
The Internet that we all depend upon is a finely engineered instrument -- maintained and
guarded mainly by elite military personnel.
Like millions of sewer pipes connected with care -- precision -- and a minimum of duct tape
the Internet is vital to our country's economy and defense.
But now, violent, scheming rabble-rousers are attempting to tear asunder that
which we have so carefully built.
They are even attempting to undermine our own patriotic Federal Communications Commission.
What is it about Net Neutrality that makes it such an insidious horror?
That doesn't really matter.
All you really need to know is what sorts of people lead the effort to spread
the scourge of Net Neutrality.
These are men who would enslave us by turning the Internet
into an instrument for their own depravities.
Men who don't even look very much like us.
Men with very little hair.
Men with too much hair.
These Marxist, communist, raving fanatics must not be permitted to succeed in their hideous
Net Neutrality scheme -- a plan which poses the gravest threat to our great country
since fluoridation.
With your help -- and God's
we will continue to operate the Internet our way -- secure in righteous American hands.
And ensure that the Internet remains a vital instrument of vast profits
for our giant ISPs
the powerful Internet Service Providers who have made our country
the envy of the world.
This is our mission --
our purpose -- our destiny.
America demands and deserves not one iota less.